HOLY WEAK! 2010

IT’S THAT TIME of the year again. Throngs of province-bound passengers will crowd bus terminals. People will drive in droves to beach resorts. Flaggelants will roam the streets. Catholics will visit churches, and Metro Manila streets will be empty. It’s Holy Week! Leading this year’s solemn observance is the First Gentleman… who is currently in Calvary.

Even before Lent, several candidates in the 2010 elections have met with the influential Manalo family. This tradition is called “Visita Iglesia.”

Several political figures and personalities are also joining other Holy Week activities:

In a joint special session, the Senate and the House of Representatives have agreed to stage a senakulo on Good Friday. There’s a huge problem though: with several overqualified lawmakers to play the role, only two will be chosen to portray Dimas and Hestas, the thieves who were crucified with Jesus.

Sen. Manny Villar has agreed to play Jesus Christ… on one condition. His cross will have to be alternately carried by Adel Tamano, Gilbert Remulla, and Alan Peter Cayetano.

Stilll on Villar, his camp is rumored to be staging a modern senakulo in Moriones, Tondo. In their version, Jesus will die because “wala siyang pampagamot.”

Bayan Muna members were assigned the role of the mob during the Nacionalista-organized senakulo. But the play was halted twice when the mob refused to shout “Barabbas! Barabbas!” and instead, chanted, “Poncio Pilato, tuta ng Kano! Imperyalismo, burukrata kapitalismo… ibagsak!”

Sen. Noynoy Aquino who has always been open to ‘any role’ has agreed to play the character of the “chief priest” who commissioned Judas Iscariot to betray Jesus. But Noynoy got so carried away by the character that he promised to reward Judas not just with 30 pieces of silver but hectares of farmland to be given in five years.

In Times Street, the Aquino sisters Pinky, Viel, Ballsy and Kris staged a mini-senakulo participated by Boy Abunda and several other celebrities. But a minor commotion ensued when Kris Aquino, who portrayed the Virgin Mary, insisted on delivering a eulogy – on-cam, live!

Lawyer Gilbert Teodoro accepted the offer to play Jesus Christ but requested that his role be limited to just one scene because of a busy schedule. Organizers granted the request, and assigned Gibô to reenact a very familiar scene: while Jesus Christ is being arrested, his disciples are abandoning him.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal vows to join the senakulo only if Manny Villar played Jesus. Jamby says she’d love to portray the role of a Roman soldier so she could mock, laugh at, and throw things at Villar.

Still on Jamby, she was supposed to take part in the reenactment of the Last Supper. But she backed out when she learned that the meal included salted eggs and galunggong.

Joseph Estrada said he would accept the invitation to play Barabbas only if President Arroyo would play Pontius Pilate… to guarantee his liberty.

In Malacañang, all is set for this year’s senakulo. The stage is ready, the costumes are complete, and cabinet officials have been assigned roles for the drama… until President Arroyo decided to replace them all without notice.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay was asked to portray tetrarch Herod Antipas. Initially, Binay was hesitant to accept the minor role. But he changed his mind when he was informed that Herod would rule Galilee and Perea for 48 years.

To save on resources during these trying times, several organizations will reenact only the Last Supper although there would still be 12 apostles on the table. At least three groups have invited Bong Revilla as a guest apostle.

Judge Vivencio Baclig of Quezon City Regional Trial Court Branch 77 also joined a senakulo where he gave life to Pontius Pilate. When he asked the crowd to choose between Barrabas and Jesus, the crowd yelled: “Barabbas!” But in a shocking turn of events, Judge Baclig decided to release Andal Ampatuan Sr. instead.

Finally, KBL’s Vetellano Acosta who volunteered to participate in a passion play was removed from the cast two weeks before the show when organizers discovered that he was not even Catholic.

Postscript
All senators, except for Jamby Madrigal have confirmed attendance to this year’s Easter Egg Hunt in UP.

Also on Jamby: organizers of a senakulo revealed that when the actor who played Jesus was being laid in the tomb, the senator’s supporters were distributing Jamby bracelets.
—————–
“Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.”
~ Mark Twain

In the News: Ricky Martin
On his official Web site, the former Menudo member said, “”I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.”
Ricky Reyes, Ricky Lo, Ricky Rivero, Ricky Lee, Ricky Belmonte, Ricky Davao(?),Ricky Martin. Any other Rickys out there?

Also in the news: Albay Governor Joey Salceda
Salceda reacted to the dethronement of Bb. Pilipinas-Universe Maria Venus Raj.

Raj was stripped of her title by the Bb. Pilipinas Charities Inc. because of citizenship issues. The BPCI replaced her with the second runner-up, Nicolette Henson. The move has apparently irked Salceda who was quoted to have said, “I wanted to know why the first runner-up, Ms Diane Samar Necio, my townmate, did not automatically take the place of Ms Binibining Pilipinas-Universe, Ms. Venus Raj, who was ousted.”

Tanong ng bayan: Why is the governor so interested in beauty pageants?

Survey Says
Did you participate in the 2010 Global Earth Hour?
I DID! 51%
NO. 31%
I FORGOT/I’M NOT AWARE. 18%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

HAVE A SAFE VACATION!

LIMITS

The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo was rushed to the hospital Thursday morning after another heart-related problem. Since the First Couple rose to power, FG’s heart has always got him into trouble.

Following his heart surgery a few years back, reports say, the First Gentleman’s health has always been questionable. Just like his wife’s election victory.

According to reports, President Arroyo opted to stay in the hospital to keep watch over the First Gentleman. Presidential son Mikey Arroyo opted to stay there too… to watch over the hospital building. No ID, No Entry.

President Arroyo has decided not to campaign in Pampanga to be with her sick husband in the hospital. Nonetheless, the decision to forgo the activity won’t affect her chances of winning in the coming polls since she’s been campaigning in her district for the past three years.

Air Time Limits
The Commission on Elections revealed that Noynoy Aquino has exceeded the allotted time for campaign advertisements in ABS-CBN. He has already consumed 291.5 minutes of broadcast time in the network… and that’s for Kris Aquino’s monologues alone.

Even Manny Villar who has already used 256.5 minutes in ABS-CBN has exceeded his allotted airtime. However, the Nacionalista Party standard bearer is unfazed by his dwindling air time because he’s keen on ‘buying’ the unused spots of Jamby Madrigal and Richard Gordon.

Manny’s Campaign
Manny Pacquiao has kicked off his campaign for a congressional seat in Saranggani province. And his campaign is off to a weird start when he challenged his opponent, businessman Roy Chiongbian to a mandatory urine test a week before the elections.

With Senators Manny Villar and Loren Legarda, Manny Pacquiao, on Friday kicked off his campaign for a Congressional seat in Saranggani province. Villar, Legarda, and the pound-for-pound king were introduced to the crowd by Michael Buffer.

Earth Hour
On Saturday night, the country was plunged into darkness for the 3rd worldwide Earth Hour. More than a thousand cities and municipalities all over the country switched off their lights for one hour… an event described by organizers as “momentous,” and by the people of Mindanao as “corny.”

The 3rd Global Earth Hour was a huge success in the Philippines. Even politicians participated in the event. After switching off the lights in her Ilocos mansion, Imelda Marcos lit the wick attached to the body of her husband Ferdinand.

In Times Street, Noynoy Aquino together with his sister Kris, James Yap, Boy Abunda and their celebrity friends held a torch rally.

All over the world on Saturday, lights were switched off for 60 minutes by Earth Hour participants… except for Noynoy and Villar who exceeded 60 minutes.
————————-
“Your lifestyle – how you live, eat, emote, and think – determines your health. To prevent disease, you may have to change how you live.”
~Brian Carter

Da Who!
When Morocco Algeria, an incumbent local official was informed that her opponent in the coming elections, Bahrain Jamaica was visiting their district, Morocco Algeria hired dozens of impoverished residents to line up in the streets and hold huge placards bearing her (Morocco Algeria) name. “Iparamdam n’yo sa kanya na ako ang iboboto n’yo at hindi siya!” Each “rallyist” was promised 175 pesos for the service. After accomplishing their job, the “rallyists” got the shock of their lowly lives when the staff of Morocco Algeria gave them two pan de sal each, a bottle of mineral water, and P75 only. They’ve been had! Here’s the catch: When the staff of Morocco Algeria returned to retrieve the placards, they yelled: “Hindi puwede! Hindi namin ibabalik ang mga placards na ito hangga’t ‘di n’yo kinukumpleto ang bayad!”

Survey Says
May iboboto ka bang party-list group ngayong May 10 elections?
MERON. 16%
NAG-IISIP PA. 7%
Ginagago tayo ng mga punyetang ‘yan! Marginalized my ass! 77%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

MARGINALIZED

Marginalized?
Have you heard the news? Mikey Arroyo is running for Congress again. He is the first nominee of “Ang Galing Pinoy,” a party-list group that claims to represent security guards! You know what their campaign slogan is? “Para sa national security… No ID, No Entry!”

Energy Sec. Angelo Reyes is also seeking a Congressional seat. Reports say Reyes is a nominee of the party-list group 1-UTAK, a coalition of jeepney drivers and operators. Reyes representing jeepney drivers is not surprising though considering that he has gotten used to accepting jobs he absolutely knows nothing about.

El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde is reportedly running for a Congressional seat via the party-list elections. He is a nominee of the pro-life group Buhay. Personally though, I think Velarde would do better as BIR Commissioner. He’s really good at collecting revenues.

Reports say Bro. Mike Velarde decided to be one of Buhay’s nominees because of the government’s distribution of condoms. If that’s his only reason, he should have just sought the chairmanship of the CBCP instead!

Can you believe it? El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde is running for Congress too! His supporters believe he’ll make a good “Speaker.”

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Happen if Bro. Mike Velarde Becomes the Next House Speaker

No. 5: The House of Representatives will celebrate its founding anniversary in Luneta.

No. 4: As an icebreaker during marathon sessions, he’ll ask congressmen to stand up and sing “Alive, alive, alive forevermore…”

No. 3: Before and after each session, collection baskets will be passed around.

No. 2: The official House uniform will be “anything checkered.”

And the No.1 thing you wouldn’t want to happen if Mike Velarde becomes House Speaker…

During a vote, he’ll ask his fellow congressmen, “Those who are in favor… say Amen!”

Marginalized, Too?
Dermatologist Manny Calayan is also running for Congress. He is a nominee of the party-list group Alyansa ng Media at Showbiz. Critics believe though that a Calayan victory will further deteriorate the quality of House members. Lalong dadami ang “plastic.”

Backers
Unconfirmed reports say the religious bloc-voting sect Iglesia ni Cristo and the Catholic charismatic group El Shaddai Group are supporting the presidential bid of Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manny Villar. If it’s any consolation, Noynoy Aquino has the CBCP.

CBCP and a Revolution
Caloocan Bishop Deogracias Iňiguez Jr. was quoted to have said that members of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines would join a revolt in the event of a failure of elections. Skeptics doubt though the ability of bishops to win a revolution since they couldn’t even score a victory against Health Sec. Esperanza Cabral.

Gordon On Video
Presidential bet Richard Gordon who once declared, “I don’t need celebrity endorsers,” has appeared on a music video on YouTube with his celebrity endorsers, Moymoy Palaboy. Gordon even danced on that video. When Manny Villar saw Gordon’s video, he asked him to perform live at a Nacionalista Party rally for a fee.

Have you seen the latest Moymoy Palaboy video featuring presidential bet Richard Gordon? They were so lovably cute I thought I was watching the Oompa-Loompas.

Photo of the Weak:
Ganito Kami sa Makati
Outgoing Makati City Rep. Teddyboy Locsin will be succeeded by his wife Louie, if she’d be lucky in the coming elections.

Ano ang akmang deskripsyon, caption, o pamagat sa larawan?
A: Ang noo’y mahigpit na kalaban ng tambalang Sharon at Gabby: ang kilig na loveteam nina Teddyboy at Louie.
B: Gamit na gamit na naman ang mga graduates
C: Kung tapos na ang termino ni lalaki, patakbuhin si babae
D: Parang mag-ina lang.
——-
“I’ve had a tough time learning how to act like a congressman. Today I accidentally spent some of my own money.”
~Joseph P. Kennedy

Survey Says
Batay sa resulta ng recent senatorial surveys, ano kaya ang nangungunang batayan ng pagpili ng mga botante?
KASIKATAN. Kilalang mga pangalan. 62%
KAHUSAYAN. Track record. 16%
PAREHO LANG. 22%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

HACKED!

Harapan: The VP Debate
Did you watch Sunday night’s vice presidential debate organized by ABS-CBN? At one point, Loren Legarda asked Mar Roxas why he kept shifting allegiances. Viewers were shocked to hear that from Loren. For a moment, they thought Jay Sonza would then be mocking Jejomar Binay for being dark-skinned.

Erap vs. MILF
The Moro Islamic Liberation Front has endorsed a “fatwa” against former president Joseph Estrada and declared him “an enemy of Islam.” The MILF took its cue from the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines, which declared Health Sec. Esperanza Cabral an enemy of Catholicism.

Loud Thud
You’ve heard the news about the death of the son of TV host Toni Rose Gayda, right? Reports say neighbors heard a loud thud when Edward James Gayda Lim fell from the veranda of their condo unit last Friday. How about the latest Pulse Asia trust survey? Heard about it? Reports say neigbors of presidential bet Manny Villar heard a loud thud too.

Pacquiao and the President
After attending mass in Quiapo, Manny Pacquiao went to Malacañang and paid a courtesty call on President Arroyo. For years, the pound-for-pound king and the president have become really good friends. They share the same passion for boxing. They have the same work ethic. And they support the same presidential candidate.

Hacked!
Sen. Manny Villar’s official website was reportedly hacked. A blog entry titled “Hacked by Kris Aquino” was posted on www.mannyvillar.com.ph. Kris vows to issue a statement as soon as her Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, and Ate Viel advise her on the matter.

Top 5 Signs that Sen. Manny Villar’s Official Website Has Been Hacked

No. 5: Every time you click his profile, you automatically win a house and lot.

No. 4: Visitors of his website report getting not just viruses but leptospirosis

No. 3: When you try to leave a message in the comments section, the site requires you to log in your name, e-mail address, and favorite ‘Kris Aquino’ moment.

No. 2: Each time you access the site, you get an annoying pop-up that says: “Jamby Madrigal was here!”

And the No. 1 sign that Sen. Manny Villar’s official website has been hacked…

When you open the website, you are automatically redirected to C-5 road.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng tao sa larawan?
A: “Hmmm, napaisip ako ah. What if totohanin ko na lang ang tsismis na si Villar ang kandidato namin ni Mike? Teka….”
B: “Kakaiba na ‘tong pose ko huh! Kapag ‘di pa naman ako na-feature sha blog ni Professional Heckler, ewan ko na lang!”
C: “Paano nga kaya kung magka-failure of elections? Congresswoman na… presidente pa! Exciting!”
D: “Hello? Midas? Kumusta na ang botohan ng mga mahistrado? Are they allowing me to appoint a new Chief Justice? Will I get a unanimous vote?”

Ano ang sinasabi ng lalaking naka-orange sa larawan?
A: “Mga two years pa, pwede mo na ‘yang turuang lumangoy sa dagat ng basura!”
B: “Nene, gusto mo bang umappear sa susunod kong commercial?”
C: “Bibigyan ko ng beinte pesos ‘tong bata pero ‘wag mo munang kukunin huh, may camera sa paligid. Election offense ‘yan.”
D: “O, bakit nakadilaw si Nene? Iuwi mo muna at palitan ng damit na orange! Dali!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng (mga) tao sa larawan?
A: “Ito ba ‘yon? Ito ba ‘yung batang nakadilaw nang dumaan si Villar kanina? Bakit naka-white? Iuwi mo muna. Palitan mo ng green!”
B: “Hoy Nene… ‘wag na ‘wag ko lang mababalitaang naliligo ka sa dagat ng basura okay? Kung hindi, idedemanda ko ‘yang nanay mo!”
C: “Pakisabi sa sa tatay mo, ‘wag maniniwala sa surveys! Kahit ‘ka mo si Noynoy, duda rin sa mga surveys.”
D: “Kung makatingin naman ‘tong batang ‘to, parang nakakita ng ‘walang utang na loob na pamangkin.’ Hmpf!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “Settle down people, settle down. Hindi ako aalis ng ‘The Buzz’ ok? Hello??? Ano ako tanga? Free airtime din ‘yon sa campaign ni Noy ‘no?”
B: “Alam n’yo po, you’re so bad. Bakit ang layo-layo n’yo? Hindi po air-borne ang STD! ‘Tsaka, gosh! That was so history. Nag-move on na ako at nag-move on na si Joey! Well, I admit, I still keep that fire-retardant pillow.Ha-ha-ha!”
C: “Ready na kayo? Unahan ‘to huh. Walang tulakan. Game? Bring Me… a photo of that girl Mayen Austria! Now na!”
D: “I can’t hear you guys. Lakasan n’yo naman! Gusto n’yo ba ‘kong maging First Lady?”

————————
“If you give a hacker a new toy, the first thing he’ll do is take it apart to figure out how it works.”
~Jamie Zawinski

Survey Says
On the Supreme Court’s decision allowing President Arroyo to appoint the next SC Chief Justice. Your take:
That’s fine. No problem. 26%
I totally disagree! 69%
Sorry, ‘di ko alam ang isyu. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

March 20th
On this date in…

1784: Governor Jose Basco issues a decree that prohibits the seizure of farmers’ lands, carabaos, and farm implements by creditors while planting or harvesting their crops. Basco also reveals plans to distribute parcels of lands to more farmers in five years. However, one of Basco’s cousins categorically denies that such plan exists in a New York Times interview.

1942: General Douglas MacArthur makes his famous speech regarding the fall of the Philippines, in which he says: “I shall return.” Three years later, he fulfilled his promise… to the delight of Filipinos except for Jose P. Laurel.

1969: In Gibraltar, John Lennon marries Yoko Ono… officially making her the fifth Beatle.

1977: Parisians elect former Prime Minister Jacques Chirac as 1st mayor in a century. Chirac celebrates victory by detonating a nuclear device at Mururoa Atoll.

1990: Imelda Marcos goes on trial for bribery, embezzlement, and racketeering. Her subsequent acquittal would then “inspire” presidents, vice presidents, senators, congressmen, and other people in government.

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Wikipedia, Just Some Photos, and Any Day in History.

Have a safe weekend!

LIGHT BITES (2010 EDITION)

A dose of political Light Bulb Jokes. Enjoy!

Q: How many Liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But while he’s doing it, some 100 torch-bearing celebrities will gather around him to sing “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa.”

Q: How many Nacionalistas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But if the light bulb fails, three others will be there to defend him

Q: How many Aquino sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. Three to change it and one to emotionally relate the experience on TV

Q: How many Villars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They won’t. They’ll just replace it with a new chandelier.

Q: How many Gilbert Teodoros does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Can you find someone else? Anybody but him.

Q: How many administration candidates for president does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One is real; the other, “secret”

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One… but she’ll ask for more time (an extension) so she could screw it in well

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least four. The ceiling is too high.

Q: How many Joseph Estradas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No way! Not again.

Q: How many Nicanor Perlases does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the new bulb, and another to recycle the old one

Q: How many Eddie Villanuevas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. He’ll just say, “Let there be light!”

Q: How many Jamby Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: She doesn’t know how. She doesn’t eat bulbs.

Q: How many Vetelanno Acostas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. He’s not qualified to do so.

Q: How many Loren Legardas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Which bulb? In whose room?

Q: How many Mar Roxases does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Screwing it in easily tires him.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it’s gonna take him 24 years (or more)

Q: How many Miriam Defensor-Santiagos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: She thinks there are three but as far as we can see, it’s only her.

Q: How many Ampatuans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and another to shoot the old bulb and bury it

Q: How many governors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But before he could finish, the Comelec Second Division assigns someone else to do the job

Q: How many members of the Supreme Court does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them… unless there’s a dissenting opinion

Q: How many CBCP members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They find the act immoral.

Q: How many SWS or Pulse Asia researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, plus or minus two

Q: How many Bayan Muna members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and another to shout, “Mabuhay si Ka Satur!”

Q: How many Annabelle Ramas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: “Bakit dung? May TF ba ‘yan dung?”

And finally…
Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and another to tell the whole world about it.

——————–
“The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.”
~George Orwell

Survey Says
Aling kumbinasyon ang mas click sa kampanya?
NOYNOY at KRIS 40%
VILLAR at PACQUIAO 13%
Ma at Pa! 46%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

DRAMA QUEEN!

Kris Aquino, Again
Did you catch the episode of “The Buzz” last Sunday? Kris Aquino cried buckets of tears while complaining against some people who were allegedly using her to attack presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino. Viewers agreed it was Aquino’s strongest performance yet as an actress.

Are you familiar with ABS-CBN’s Sunday program called “The Buzz?” The top-rating program began reformatting last Sunday: from a showbiz-oriented tak show to a “campaign paraphernalia.”

Live on nationwide TV, a tearful Kris Aquino lamented, “Ginagamit ako para sirain ang pamilya ko,” which was really ironic since it was actually her who began the ‘destruction.’

Did you see Kris Aquino on TV last Sunday? She was in tears as she talked about her brother Noynoy, her parents, her sisters, her sacrifices in the ongoing campaign, her life, and her country. After that interview, the Commission on Elections informed Noynoy Aquino that he has just consumed the allotted TV airtime for his political ads.

Did you see Kris Aquino on TV last Sunday? She was inconsolable as she talked about the candidacy of her brother Noynoy, the heroism of her parents, the generosity of her sisters, and her sacrifices in the ongoing campaign. After reviewing the episode, the Comelec considers allowing other presidential candidates’ sister, wife, brother, daughter, son or cousin to have their own “Moment Ko Rin ‘To” segment on a TV show to level the playing field.

After that emotional moment on “The Buzz,” Kris Aquino is the talk-of-the-town again. She is so popular these days, even Mar Roxas now considers withdrawing from the race and giving way to Kris.

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga taong nasa larawan?
A: “Hoy Kris! Ayusin mo nga ‘yang mga daliri mo at baka isipin nilang ikinakampanya mo si Villar!”
B: “Gosh, ang hirap ngumitee under the sun huh. Naku Noy, mas keri ko talagang mag-cry na lang sa studio. Promise!”
C: “Okay ‘tong 3-D shades ni Joshua ah. Ang linaw! Kitang-kita ‘yong mga chicks sa kalsada!”
D: “Aminin mo na Kris, iba ang level ng saya rito!”

Postscript: As I have posted on my Twitter and Facebook accounts, I refused to believe rumors that NINOY and CORY were cousins. Gano’n lang talaga si Kris.

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga taong nasa larawan?
A: “Galunggong ba ‘tong mga ‘to! Sa’n dito ang presyo?”
B: “Hoy Villar! Harapin mo ako! Huwag kang magtago sa likod ng mga kahon, duwag!”
C: [Guy in grey] “Guard, guard! Bakit nakapasok dito si Andal Ampatuan Jr.? Palabasin ‘to!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng bata sa larawan:
A: “Sorry po Senator! Nahihirapan po akong gawin ang V sign sa mga daliri ko kaya ito na lang: C sign for C-5! Joke! Joke! Joke!”
B: “Senator Villar, ako po ‘yung anak ng babaeng nakasama n’yo minsang maligo daw kayo sa dagat ng basura. Sabi po ng nanay ko, ganito lang daw po kalaki ang kuwan n’yo… ahihihi!”

Black Out in Mindanao
Reports say power outages in Mindanao have adversely affected the region’s tourism industry. The situation was so bad, even the Abu Sayyaf Group has not abducted a single tourist in months.

Arnel Pineda Apologizes
Journey frontman Arnel Pineda has apologized to the National Historical Institute for his “incorrect” rendition of the Philippine National Anthem before the Pacquiao-Clottey fight last Sunday. According to Pineda, changing the tempo of the national anthem was a “lapse in judgment.”

Arnel Pineda has apologized for the “incorrect” rendition of the “Lupang Hinirang” before the Pacquiao-Clottey fight last Sunday. Despite the apology though, members of the Hyatt 10 still demanded the resignation of Pineda from the rock group Journey.
—————————-
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”
~Kimberly Johnson

March 16th
On this date in…

1521: Ferdinand Magellan reaches the Philippines. He tries to befriend everyone by adding them on his Facebook account. Lapu-lapu rejects the explorer’s ‘Add Request’ and you know what happened next.

1919: A wireless telephone is invented enabling air pilots to talk in flight, and helping a Philippine presidential candidate to win an election 85 years later.

1934: The US Congress approves the Migratory Bird Conservation Act… otherwise known as “The Loren Legarda Law.”
————-
Survey Says…
After demolishing Joshua Clottey, what SHOULD be next for Pacquiao:
Beat Mayweather and more fights to come! 12%
Retire! You don’t need to fight anymore! 21%
Fight Mayweather! Then, win or loss, retire! 67%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Re-read It!
Apparently, some people didn’t get the “Pia-Rissa Hontiveros” joke in the previous article titled, “Ayon sa mga Bituin III.” Please re-read the post in full. Magi-gets n’yo rin.

Elsewhere
Is there truth to this rumor?

LOPSIDED

Pacquiao Dominates
Manny Pacquiao scored a dominating unanimous decision victory against Joshua Clottey to retain his WBO welterweight title. Sought for comment on the judges’ lopsided scores in favor of Pacquiao, Clottey said, “There are judges that can be bought from Quiapo.”

According to CompuBox, Manny Pacquiao landed 246 of 1,231 punches; Clottey connected on just 108 of 399. The challenger from Ghana was so lackluster, even Jinkee Pacquiao landed more punches on Manny when they last fought over Krista.

The three judges scored the fight: 120-108, 119-109 and 119-109 all in favor of Manny Pacquiao. The decision of the judges is final… unless the Comelec’s Second Division reverses it.

Statistics showed that Joshua Clottey connected on just 108 of 399 punches. Clottey performed so poorly, he was even outscored by Jamby Madrigal who landed 200 of 400 punches on Manny Villar.

Compared to Pacquiao’s 1,231, Joshua Clottey threw 399 punches only. Boxing analysts criticized the New York-based Accra, Ghana native “for not fighting.” In fact, an awkward moment took place when Clottey, who refused to answer his foe’s punches, asked Gilbert Remulla, Adel Tamano, and Alan Peter Cayetano to fight for him instead.

Despite the loss of Joshua Clottey who chose to protect himself than throw punches at his opponent, the people of Ghana are still proud of him. As a matter of fact, the Ghanaian government has offered him the post of Minister of Defense.

Did you catch GMA 7’s delayed broadcast of the Pacquiao-Clottey bout? The fight was so boring, viewers had more fun watching the fight between the ads of Noynoy Aquino and Manuel Villar during commercial breaks.

According to Yahoo! Sports, Pacquiao and Clottey fought before a standing room-only crowd of almost 51,000… half of which were already asleep before Round 6.

In front of millions of televiewers, Manny Pacquiao embarrassed Joshua Clottey. Minutes later, Clottey’s furious mom was interviewed by Pia Guanio on GMA7′s Showbiz Central. She called on the public not to vote for Pacquiao in the coming elections.

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang nababagay na pamagat, caption, o deskripsyon sa larawang ito?
A: “Halika! Sumama ka sa akin! Ihahatid na kita sa bahay n’yo kung ayaw mong makipaglaro.”
B: “O, ‘wag ka nang magalit pare. Joke lang ‘yung sabi ko na kamukha ka ni Akon. Tahan na pare, okay? Come here, give me a hug.”
C: “Parito ka! Parito ka sabi eh! Hindi ako nag-training ng seven weeks para lang mapahiya sa mga kababayan ko! Ilang linggo kong tiniis na ‘di makita si Krista tapos ganito lang ang mangyayari sa fight. Hindi ako papayag!”
D: “Puwede ba tapusin na natin ‘to? Naghihintay na sa akin si Manny Villar sa Pilipinas. Bilisan mo dahil baka abutan pa tayo ng susunod na survey!

For the benefit of those who failed to see the bout on TV, here’s the fight summary:
Round 1: Manny
Round 2: Manny

[Cory Aquino then dies]
Round 3: Noynoy
Round 4: Noynoy

[Campaign period starts]
Round 5: Noynoy loses steam
Round 6: Statistically tied.

[Senate votes on the C5 road extension project ethics complaint vs. Manny]
Round 7: Noynoy regains lead on Manny
Round 8: Manny narrows gap; statistically tied again

Fight continues. Catch the final round on May 10.

Postscript: Reports say the National Historical Institute is filing a complaint against Arnel Pineda for changing the tone and tempo of the Philippine national anthem when he sang it before the Pacquiao-Clottey fight. Meanwhile, the Professional Heckler is filing a complaint against the National Historical Institute for singing the same tune every time Pacquiao has a fight and still failing to resolve the matter.

Have a safe week ahead!

Survey Says
THE EVENT: Pacquiao vs. Clottey. Your prediction:
Pacquiao via KO 59%
Pacquiao via decision 26%
Clottey via KO 8%
Clottey via decision 7%

Apparently, you didn’t know Clottey that much. We have a new survey. Please vote now.

AYON SA MGA BITUIN III

“Ano ang nasa dako pa roon
Bunga ng malikot na pag-iisip
Likha ng balintataw o halaw sa isang daigdig ng kababalaghan
‘Di kayang ipaliwanag ngunit alam mong magaganap.”

Kung pamilyar ka sa mga linyang ito, isa lang ang ibig sabihin n’yan. Repent! Repent! Wala nang makapipigil pa sa iyong patuloy na pagtanda!

Ngunit sa ‘yo na kabilang sa Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, at Taylor Swift generation na hindi maka-relate sa mga linyang iyong binasa, makinig ka! Iyan ang OBB o Opening Billboard ng “Pinoy Thriller,” isang local horror series na ipinalabas noong Dekada Otsenta sa IBC 13. Mapapalad ang mga Pinoy na naabutan ang ganoong uri ng panoorin sa telebisyon: kakila-kilabot, kahindik-hindik, kapani-paniwala. Ngayon… wala na ang mga ganyang klaseng palabas. Kaya magpasalamat tayo kay Kris Aquino for at least trying to keep the genre alive!

So ano nga ba ang nasa dako pa roon para sa mahigit animnapung kandidato sa pagka-senador? Sino ang nagkukunwaring lingkod-bayan? Sino ang dapat nating pagtiwalaan? At sino ang tumatakbo para kumita lamang? Narito ang ilang prediksyon, puna, paalala, pulso, at pakiramdam ng mga bituin.

Paunawa: Sa sobrang init ng panahon, hindi gaanong nakalabas ang mga bituin upang basahin ang kapalaran ng lahat ng senatorial candidates. Kung ikaw ay isa sa mga kandidato at wala ang pangalan mo rito… naku! Be afraid. Be very afraid. Nararamdaman ng mga bituing malaki ang tsansang matalo ka sa darating na eleksyon.

Ngunit kung kasama naman ang iyong pangalan sa listahan ng mga hinulaan, well…
Be more afraid, ulol! Akala mo ligtas ka na sa pagkatalo? Hindeee! ‘Kapal ng mukha mo!

So narito na ang kapalaran ng mga kandidato sa pagka-senador ngayong 2010… AYON SA MGA BITUIN.

Juan Ponce Enrile
Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino
Birth: February 14, 1924
Sign: Aquarius
Noong huling eleksyon, nangako kang pabababain mo ang singil sa kuryente. Pa-Epi-Epira chienes ka pa noon! [Kung hindi mo alam ang chienes, itanong mo kay Ka Ernie Maceda). Pero ngayon, laman na naman ng mga balita ang nakaambang power rate hike. Hindi nakakalimot ang mga bituin sa mga pangako. Ang tanda-tanda mo na, sinungaling ka pa! Peke na nga ang ambush mo noong 1972, peke pa rin ang campaign promises mo! Magsisi ka na habang may panahon pa! Baka nakakalimutan mo… otsenta’y sais ka na. Ikaw rin, sige ka…

Satur Ocampo
Bayan Muna Party List Group
Guest Candidate: Nacionalista Party
Birth: April 7, 1939
Sign: Aries
Tatanggap ka ng napakalaking campaign contribution mula sa isang organisasyong mataas ang paghanga sa ‘yo. Tatanggi kang pangalanan ang naturang grupo subalit mabubunyag naman sa media ang negosyo ng mga taong kasapi nito. Involved sila sa multimillion peso-venture na kung tawagin ay “permit to campaign.”

Gwen Pimentel
Nacionalista Party
Birth: March 28, 1961
Sign: Aries
Perfect ang timing ng iyong pagtakbo sa Senado… dahil walang kandidatong Zubiri ang apelyido. Iwasang mag-diet at panatilihing maumbok ang pisngi. Otherwise, mapapagkamalan kang si Dolly Anne Carvajal. Careful.

Jose "Joey" De Venecia III
Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino
Birth: January 1, 1964
Sign: Capricorn
Dedikasyon. Delicadeza. De Venecia. ‘Yan ang ipinapangalandakan ng iyong political ad. Nang marinig ito ng mga bituin, sila’y nahilo, sunud-sunod na nahulog mula sa kalangitan at sabay-sabay na nagsuka. Dahil d’yan, wala kang horoscope! Delicadeza mo’ng mukha mo!

Liza Maza
Gabriela Party List Group
Guest Candidate: Nacionalista Party
Birth: Sep 8, 1957
Sign: Virgo
Hindi mo na kailangan ang gabay ng mga bituin dahil masuwerte kang nilalang. Napasakamay ng mga bituin ang kopya ng iyong Statement of Assets & Liabilities and Net Worth at sila ay nabigla sa kanilang nabasa. Bakit ‘ka mo? Dahil sa lahat ng “masa,” ikaw lang ang milyonarya!

Alex Tinsay
Bangon Pilipinas
Birth: September 17, 1958
Sign: Virgo
Nagtataka ang mga bituin kung bakit hindi umangat-angat ang iyong career sa GMA7 sa kabila ng ilang dekada ng tapat, walang kinikilingan, at walang pinu-protektahang paglilingkod. Tama ang ginawa mong pagbibitiw bilang reporter ngunit mali ang desisyon mong pasukin ang pulitika. Matatalo ka. Bago pa man ito mangyari, ihanda na ang iyong Curriculum Vitaé at maglakip ng apat na 1x1 ID pictures (whole body). Maraming opening sa TV5.

Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim: Liberal Party/ Birth: June 2, 1955/ Sign: Gemini
Ret. Major Gen. Jovito Palparan Jr.: Independent/Birth: Sept. 11, 1950/Sign: Virgo
Col. Ariel Querubin: Nacionalista Party/Birth: March 28, 1956/Sign: Aries
Malabo ang nakikita ng mga bituin sa kandidatura n’yong tatlo ngayong Mayo. May dalawang heneral na sa Senado, sina Biazon at Lacson; may koronel, si Gringo, at may tenyente na rin dito, si Trillanes. Hindi pa handa ang publiko sa pagkakaroon ng ASP - ang Armed Senate of the Philippines.

Pahabol na tanong kay Col. Querubin (titigan ang larawan): Gusto mo bang gumawa ng batas o maglaba?

Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos Jr.
Nacionalista Party
Birth: September 13, 1957
Sign: Virgo
Dahil sa pag-uumpugan ng dalawang magkaaway na planeta sa ilalim ng signos na Virgo, dalawang magkasalungat na pangyayari sa iyong buhay ang nakikita ng mga bituin: Kapag nanalo si Manuel Villar, papayag siyang ipadala ang bangkay ng iyong ama sa isang lugar kasama ang magigiting nating mga bayani. Ngunit kung si Noynoy Aquino naman ang mananalo, ipapadala niya ang bangkay ng iyong ama sa isang lugar kasama ang mga iniidolong Hollywood celebrities – ang Madame Tussauds.

Imelda Papin
Kilusang Bagong Lipunan
Birth: January 26, 1956
Sign: Aquarius
“Well, well, well (sabi nga ni Melanie Marquez) Look do we have here!” For the nth time, nararamdaman ng mga bituin ang pagkamatay ng iyong political career. Utang na loob, huwag mo na itong buhayin. Panahon na upang magbabang-luksa at magmove-on.

Adel Tamano
Nacionalista Party
Birth: October 2, 1970
Sign: Libra
Hindi makakatulong sa iyong kampanya ang endorsement ni Vicki Belo at ng klinika nito. Hindi bilib ang publiko sa endorser na “kaplastikan” ang negosyo. Malaki ang posibilidad na matalo ka sa eleksyon. Huwag mawalan ng pag-asa. Tatanghalin naman bilang “Breakthrough Performance by a Politician” ang iyong acting sa Outlast Battery commercial. Dapat… start agad!

Francisco "Kit" Tatad
GAFD/Gabaybayan
Birth: October 4, 1939
Sign: Libra
Basahin ang hula kay Imelda Papin. Hindi kayo nagkakalayo ng kapalaran.

Jinggoy Estrada
Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino
Birth: January 23, 1963
Sign: Aquarius
Kalimutan ang ilusyong magiging “presidential son” kang muli. Magkakaroon lamang ‘yan ng katuparan kung mangyayari ang alinman sa sumusunod: Una, magpapaampon ka legally either kay Noynoy o kay Villar. [Pumili ka na lang ng mas katanggap-tanggap na pangalan: Jinggoy Aquino o Jinggoy Villar; pero malamang na mas piliin mo ang Aquino dahil hindi mo “feel” ang initials na JV.] At pangalawa, kung ‘yung mahigit sampung milyong tanga noong 1998 ay tanga pa rin makalipas ang 12 years.

Teofisto “TG” Guingona III
Liberal Party
Birth: April 19, 1959
Sign: Aries
May good news at bad news ang mga bituin sa ‘yo. Ang bad news: Ha-huntingin ka ng People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals o PETA (pronounced as pee-ta; hindi Peta at lalong hindi Fita!] dahil sa kalupitan mo sa hayup. Hindi nila nagustuhan ang pambubugbog mo sa tatlong buwaya sa iyong political ad. Ipinapayo ng mga bituin na gumamit ka na lang ng totoong buwaya sa iyong patalastas: mahigit 200 ang iyong pagpipilian… wala pa d’yan ang party list reps. At ang good news: Patuloy na tataas ang iyong ratings sa survey. Sa wakas, unti-unti na ring nagbubunga ang iyong pagiging balimbing.

Gilbert Remulla
Nacionalista Party
Birth: September 5, 1970
Sign: Virgo
Noon: May Chiz Escudero si Joseph Estrada.
Ngayon: Si Manny Villar, may Gilbert Remulla.
Ikaw ‘yon, kid!
May banggaang magaganap sa pagitan ng iyong planeta at ng planeta ng isang pulitikong itatago na lang natin sa pangalang Jambz. Dahil dito, lalala ang inyong away ngayong 2010. Mapipikon siya kapag sinigawan mo siya ng, “Akala mo walang nakakaalam ng tunay mong katauhan? Akala mo lang wala! Pero meron! meron!” Ngunit gaganti siya. Kukuryentehin ka niya. Quits lang.

Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr.
Lakas-Kampi-CMD
Guest Candidate: PMP, NP
Birth: September 25, 1966
Sign: Libra
Bata ka pa lang ay kakaiba ka nang mag-isip. Nakipag-away ka sa isa mong guro dahil ipinagpilitan mong ang “Libra” ay “feminine form” ng “libro.” Huwag ituloy ang planong pagsasampa ng kaso sa mga taong nagpost at nagrepost ng “Bong Revilla Audio Scandal” sa Internet. Panindigan mo na lang ang mga sinabi mo. Tanga ka kasi. Next time na magbibitiw ka ng ganung klaseng pananalita, make sure na may ganito ka munang warning sa iyong mga supporters, “Put@ng-i#a n’yo, off the record to huh!”

Vicente “Tito” Sotto III
Nationalist People’s Coalition
Birth: August 24, 1948
Sign: Virgo
Masaya ang mga bituin sa mabilis na pag-angat ng iyong ranking sa mga surveys. Naguguluhan lang sila kapag nag-iikot ka sa mga lalawigan upang mangampanya. Ano ba talagang partido ang sa iyo’y sumusuporta? NPC o Eat Bulaga? May ibabahagi nga palang trivia tungkol sa ‘yo ang mga bituin. Noong 1992 ay nanguna ka sa senatorial race. Ngunit sa lalawigan ng Batanes ay wala ka man lamang sa Top 24. Ang ibinigay na dahilan ng mga political analysts? Mahina ang TV reception ng “Eat Bulaga” sa naturang lalawigan. Now you know.

Rey Langit
Lakas-Kampi-CMD
Birth: September 20, 1948
Sign: Virgo
Kung malalim mag-isip ang bigatin mong mga kalaban, hindi ka dapat mainggit. Malalim naman ang iyong boses, Pareng Rey! Ngunit nababahala ang mga bituin sa mga balitang sangkot ka raw sa smuggling, Pareng Rey. Dahil diyan, matatalo ka sa halalan Pareng Rey. Babalik ka sa telebisyon at ilulunsad ang isang programang lalo pang magpapayaman sa ‘yo. Ang titulo nito: “Kasangga Mo ang Customs!”

Sergio Osmeña III
PMP/Liberal Party
Birth: December 13, 1943
Sign: Sagittarius
Windang na windang ang mga bituin sa mga pinaggagagawa mo lately. Sumapi ka sa Liberal Party nang mamatay si Cory Aquino. Nag-alsa balutan ka naman nang lumipat doon si Recto. Makaraan ang ilang buwan, bumalik ka uli sa partido at nabigyan pa ng puwesto. Magpalit ka na lang kaya ng apelyido? How about… Trapo? Sergio Trapo.

Ralph Recto
Liberal Party
Birth: January 11, 1964
Sign: Capricorn
Kung hindi dahil sa isang “package deal,” wala ka sa Partido Liberal! Ipakita ang pasasalamat sa iyong misis. For a change, huwag magtungo sa Pegasus this weekend.

Miriam Defensor-Santiago
People’s Reform Party
Guest Candidate: PMP, NP, Lakas-Kampi-CMD
Birth: June 15, 1945
Sign: Gemini
Isa kang illegal logger sa ‘yong past life kaya’t ganun na lang katindi ang galit mo sa mga “puno.” May kaguluhan ang mga planetang gumagabay sa ‘mga tulad mong Gemini ngayong taong 2010. Kambal-kambal na gusot at away ang iyong kakasangkutan. Hindi mo kakayanin ang mga pagsubok. Ikakaloka mo ito!

Franklin Drilon
Liberal Party
Birth: November 28, 1945
Sign: Sagittarius
Positibo ang nararamdamang vibes ng mga bituin sa iyong re-election bid. Kasinlaki ng tiyan mo ang tsansa mong magwagi. Kapag nangangampanya, mahalagang kontrolin ang iyong emosyon upang hindi mapaaway. Huwag patulan ang mga tambay na lalapit sa ‘yo at sasabihan kang: “Kumusta ka na Juana Change?”

Rissa Hontiveros
Liberal Party
Birth: February 24, 1966
Sign: Pisces
Isa kang mahusay na talk show host. Palaging pinapanood ng mga bituin ang programa mong “Strictly Politics” sa ANC. Dahil sa iyong weekly television exposure, malaki ang tsansa mong makapasok sa Magic 12. Curious nga lang ang mga bituin: bakit “Pia” ang gamit mong pangalan sa show at hindi “Rissa? At bakit ka pinapayagan ng Comelec na mag-programa gayong campaign period na? Again, nagtatanong lang ang mga bituin.

Pia Cayetano
Nacionalista Party
Birth: March 22, 1966
Sign: Aries
Iwasan ang isang kapwa senador na lagi kang tinitira in public. Ang totoo niyan, gusto ka niyang tirahin in private. Clue: Babae siya.

Erratum: Sa sobrang pagod ng mga bituin matapos hulaan ang mahigit dalawampung senatorial candidates, napagkamalan nilang IISA sina Pia at Rissa Hontiveros. The two ladies are, in fact, sisters. On behalf of the stars and the planets, our sincerest apologies.

AND FINALLY…

Manuel “Lito” Lapid
Lakas-Kampi-CMD
Birth: October 25, 1955
Sign: Scorpio
Some people drank from the fountain of knowledge. You just gargled. ‘Sensya na. Sobrang tired na talaga ang mga bituin. Sa susunod na eleksyon ka na lang nila huhulaan. Promise.

————-
“A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.”
~H. L. Mencken

Survey Says
On Ruffa’s “The Buzz” walk out and Kris Aquino. Your take:
Kasalanan ni Kris! 22%
OA si Ruffa! 25%
Isang malaking ka-cheapan! Tigilan! 52%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy your weekend!

Photos were taken from the candidates’ Facebook accounts.

THE OSCARS AND PHILIPPINE POLITICS

The 82nd Academy Awards:
A Postscript
The 82nd Oscar Awards have been handed out. James Cameron’s costly sci-fi epic “Avatar” lost in the race for Best Picture. Sought for comment, Cameron said, “May this humbling experience serve as a warning to Sen. Manny Villar.”

A total of 10 films vied for Best Picture Oscar. Before the votes were counted, the frontrunners were “Avatar,” “The Hurt Locker,” and “Inglourious Basterds.” The seven other nominees were “Up in the Air,” “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire,” “An Education,” “The Blind Side,” “A Serious Man,” “District 9,” and “Up.” In case you didn’t know, a scandal broke out a few weeks before the awards ceremonies when James Cameron, director of “Avatar,” the costliest nominated film, and the highest-grossing movie ever – allegedly tried to bribe the director of “Up In the Air” into quitting the race.

After weeks of intense campaigning, the Academy’s 5,835 voting members picked the war movie “The Hurt Locker” as Best Picture. Despite her film’s victory though, director Kathryn Bigelow is a bit worried because “Avatar” director James Cameron has just asked the Comelec 2nd Division to do a recount.

Hollywood observers believe that “Avatar” lost the race… because of rumors that James Cameron was President Arroyo’s secret candidate.

“The Hurt Locker” won the Oscar award for Best Picture. The war drama is set in the tension-filled Bulacan Provincial Capitol.

Winners in the acting category were predictable. Jeff Bridges won Best Actor in a Leading Role while the unanimous choice for Best “Actor” in a “Supporting” Role was Edu Manzano.

I forgot the name of the composer who won the Oscar for Best Original Song but he delivered one of the night’s more memorable acceptance speeches… telling the audience that Gilbert Teodoro illegally used one of his compositions.

“The Cove” – a film about the annual slaughter of dolphins in Taiji, Wakayama, Japan won the Oscar for Best Documentary Feature. The trophy was accepted by Jamby Madrigal who called on Japanese officials to go vegetarian and stop the killing of the dolphins. [In a post interview, Jamby admitted that she didn't know the cost of dolphin meat.]

One of my favorite segments in the annual Academy Awards is “In Memoriam” where they pay tribute to those who died the previous year. For instance, this year, the Academy remembered among others, the death of Michael Jackson, David Carradine, Natasha Richardson, John Hughes, Patrick Swayze, and Chiz Escudero’s political career.

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards was a success. The live show went smoothly as planned… except for that awkward moment when Kris Aquino joked about James Cameron’s loss prompting the “Avatar” director to walk out of the studio.

For the first time in Oscar history, a woman was named Best Director. Kathryn Bigelow, ex-wife of “Avatar” director James Cameron, won for the Iraq War drama, “The Hurt Locker.” The title of the movie refers to a place of ultimate, inescapable emotional pain… or as Annabelle Rama would call it, “The Buzz.”

Also spotted at the 82nd Annual Academy Awards and the after-Oscars party were…
… Adel Tamano, Gilbert Remulla, and Alan Peter Cayetano who defended James Cameron for spending a huge amount of money on “Avatar;”

… Ruffa Gutierrez’ mother Annabelle Rama who had an apparent dislike for Kathryn Bigelow. Rama told the press, “Hindi pa nga nananalo, ang yabang-yabang na!”

… Danding Cojuangco’s wife Gretchen who told the media that she’ll be rooting for “Anybody but James Cameron;”

… KBL’s Vetellano Acosta who was escorted out of the Kodak Theatre when organizers discovered that he was not even a registered member of the Academy;

… Joseph Estrada and his complete former cabinet. At four in the morning, the only sober person in Estrada’s entourage was his driver;

… Health Sec. Esperanza Cabral who distributed free condoms to celebrities;

… Lipa City Archbishop Ramon Arguelles and Caloocan Bishop Deogracias Iñiguez Jr. who tried to stop Secretary Cabral from distributing the controversial contraceptive;

… Bayani Fernando who dismantled illegal sidewalk vendors that gathered near the event venue;

… Leftist senatorial bets Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza who felt “home” on the “Red” carpet, and finally,

… Loren Legarda who hopped from table to table.

Top 5 Things that Could Happen If Filipino Politicians Organized the Oscar

No. 5: Kodak Theatre will be declared an election hot spot.

No. 4: Communist members of the Academy will generate billions of pesos from its “permit to campaign” scheme.

No. 3: Loren Legarda will be part of every nominated movie.

No. 2: Administration bets in major categories will likely lose.

And the No. 1 thing that could happen if Filipino politicians organized the Oscars…

Real winners will be known three years after the telecast of the awards ceremonies.

————————–
“Bibili na lang kami ng trophy sa Recto.”
~Actor Cesar Montano after his film, “Bagong Buwan” (directed by Marilou Diaz-Abaya) lost the Best Picture prize to Chito Roño’s “Yamashita: The Tiger’s Treasure” in the 2001 Metro Manila Film Festival

Survey Says…
The bishops vs. Health Secretary Cabral on condom distribution. Whose side are you on:
The bishops! No to condoms! 7%
Secretary Cabral, you’ve got balls! 88%
Hindi ko alam ang issue. Sorry. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Why “Avatar” lost the Best Picture plum

Proudly Pinoy: Monique Lhuillier’s creation worn by Twilight’s Kristen Stewart got rave reviews

Personal
Thanks to columnist Ellen Tordesillas for the flattering compliment and for promoting this blog on her site. And to several other bloggers who created links to “The Professional Heckler,” maraming, maraming salamat.

Enjoy the rest of this hot week! Ingat!

AND THE 2010 OSCAR GOES TO…

THE 82nd ANNUAL ACADEMY Awards will be handed out Monday, March 8, 2010. Academy voters will have to choose a winner from 10 Best Picture nominees. Yes, 10 are competing for the top prize! This year’s race has two frontrunners, Noynoy Aquino and Manny Villar.

The Best Picture category in the 2010 Oscar Awards has a total of 10 finalists. Creating early Oscar buzz was Vetellano Acosta’s loveable Na’Vi character in “Avatar.”

Trying to give Avatar a good fight is “The Blind Side” starring Gilbert Teodoro.

Another Best Picture nominee is “A Serious Man” with Bro. Eddie Villanueva in the title role.

A cartoon has made the cut this year. Starring Joseph Estrada, “Up” is also a frontrunner in another category, Best Animated Film. Most “Up” supporters are from Mindanao.

Of course, who could ignore the well-written, anti-Villar flick topbilled by Noynoy Aquino and Mar Roxas? “Inglourious Basterds” received eight nominations including one for Best Picture.

A heavy drama is also in the running for Best Film. “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” tells the story of an abused child… intensely and effortlessly portrayed by Jamby Madrigal.

And believe it or not, presidential son Dato Arroyo’s first film also earned a Best Picture nod. It’s called “District 9.”

Likewise, the story of a man who spends most of his life flying from one place to another, living an unsettled, uncertain life made the list of final nominees. “Up in the Air” is Panfilo Lacson’s most realistic project so far.

Did you hear what happened to the producer of Best Picture nominee “The Hurt Locker?” The man has been banned from attending the awards ceremonies for negative campaigning. It was later found that he was working for both Noynoy and Villar.

Unfortunately, Richard Gordon’s “Transformers” was shut out of the final list of nominees. Sorry.

This just in! The winner for Best Foreign Language Film will be presented by Deputy Presidential spokesperson Gary Olivar.

And in the acting category, Jeff Bridges is a shoo-in for Best Actor while Loren Legarda is up for Best Actress. They both starred in the film, “Crazy Heart.”

In Other News…
GMANews.TV reported that a total of six local Catholic bishops are backing the presidential bid of Ang Kapatiran party standard-bearer JC de los Reyes. The bishops threw their support behind JC after he promised them that he would never, ever try using a condom.

The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that Ang Kapatiran party standard-bearer JC De Los Reyes got zero percent. That’s what happens when bishops endorse you.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: “Ang sarap talaga ng feeling kapag lumolobo na naman ang lamang sa kalaban.”
B: “Puwede bang iuwi ko na lang ang mga ‘to ito para kina Joshua at Baby James?”
C: “Ilayo n’yo sa ‘kin ang mga lobo! Daliiiii! Baka makita tayo ng mga bishops! Galit sila sa lobo! Biliiiiis!”

Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: “Huwag ka sanang mabibigla kapatid. Pero, familiar ka ba sa term na ‘foot fetish?’”
B: “Alam mo iho, lahat ng ginawa ni Hesus, gagawin ko rin! Kaya ‘pag natalo ako sa darating na eleksyon, lahat ng anyong tubig sa Pilipinas, gagawin kong alak at mag-iinuman tayong lahat!”
C: “Juan Kapitulo Trese Bersikulo Uno hanggang Disisyete: Basa! “Si Hesus ay tumayo mula sa hapag, nag-alis ng panlabas na balabal at nagbigkis ng tuwalya sa baywang. Pagkatapos, naglagay siya ng tubig sa palanggana, at sinimulang hugasan ang paa ng mga alagad at pinunasan ng tuwalyang nakabigkis sa kanyang baywang.” Makalipas ang mahigit dalawang libong taon, nagkatawang-preacher siya at tumakbo sa pagka-presidente. Amen.

Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: “Kailangan ko ba talagang kainin ‘to? Saan ba ‘to galing? Baka magka-hepa ako!”
B: “Pakisabi kay Professional Heckler, huwag na huwag niyang ilalabas ang litratong ‘to. Utang na loob, hindi ito ang anggulo ko! Please lang!”
C: “Iniinsulto n’yo ba ako? Hindi n’yo na kailangang ipamukha na ang aking SURVEY RATINGS at ang BANANA have something in common: they’re both sagging.”

————————-
“Awards are so unnecessary, because I think we get so much out of our work just by doing it. The work is a reward in itself.”
~Natalie Portman

Survey Says
Your take sa pamimigay nina Erap (P1,000) at Villar (P20) ng pera sa kampanya:
VOTE BUYING! 76%
OK LANG ‘YUN! 12%
PAKIALAM KO! 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a productive and safe week ahead!

HIDE-AND-SEEK

Friday Light Bites
One really dark evening, presidential and vice presidential candidates together with some politicians decided to have fun by playing hide-and-seek:

Even before the game started, Vetellano Acosta was disqualified because he didn’t know the rules.

Joseph Estrada initially confirmed his participation but decided to back out at the last minute, and accused the organizer of bias.

Mar Roxas, who had an inkling he would lose, withdrew from the game.

The youngest candidate, JC De Los Reyes begged off from joining the nocturnal activity because he needed eight hours of sleep.

With confidence, Bro. Eddie Villanueva volunteered to be “IT” saying, “The Lord is my shepherd. When I seek, I shall find.”

Environmentalist Nicanor Perlas hid behind a tree.

Si Edu Manzano, umasa sa tulong ng isa pang “puno.”

Gilbert Teodoro hid behind a school building, the place where he felt most welcome.

Loren Legarda hid behind a tree. Then, she transferred behind a haystack. Then she transferred behind a barn. Then she transferred behind a cart. She kept doing that until she was found.

Jay Sonza never had to look for a hiding place. He walked a couple of meters away from the base and just stood there.

Richard Gordon, who was too excited to play accused Manny Villar of trying to bribe him into quitting the game.

Manny Villar hid behind Gilbert Remulla, Adel Tamano, and Alan Peter Cayetano.

Jamby Madrigal hid behind parliamentary immunity.

And Noynoy Aquino hid behind his sisters’ skirts.

The game ended shortly before midnight but…

… Jejomar Binay wanted to keep playing… for at least 24 years.

… Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo suggested amendments to the rules so they could extend the game.

… the “it” failed to locate Panfilo Lacson…

… and two former senators, Ernesto Maceda and John Osmeña still refused to come out.
———————-
“Do not repeat the tactics which have gained you one victory, but let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstances.”
~Sun Tzu

March 5th
On this date in…

1558: Francisco Fernandes introduces tobacco smoking in Europe. Coincidentally, Noynoy Aquino is present during the smoking demo.

1899: Gen. Pio del Pilar reports to Pres. Emilio Aguinaldo that revolutionary forces successfully captured American forces in Mandaluyong. Hours later, Mandaluyong is filled with huge tarpaulins that said, “Mabuhay ang mga rebolusyonaryong Pinoy! Isang pagbati mula kina Mayor Benjamin Abalos Jr. at Cong. Neptali Gonzales Jr.”

1934: The first Mother-in-law’s day is celebrated… prompting millions of sons-in-law all over the world to ask why.

1997: Representatives of North and South Korea meet for the first time after 25 years. As a sign of peace, both parties agreed to spend the next 24 hours watching ‘Boys Over Flowers.’

Have a safe weekend!

March 3rd
On this date in…

0468: Pope Saint Simplicius succeeds Catholic Pope Hilarius. Catholics loved Simplicius but they had much more fun when Pope Outrageous replaced him.

1938: Oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia. Minutes later, the US president sends a Facebook message to the Arabian president saying, “Can I add you as a friend?”

1992: President Bush makes a public apology for raising taxes after promising not to. Again, that’s George Bush not Noynoy Aquino.

1995: Camilla Parker Bowles & her husband Andrew divorce. Camilla then patiently waits for Princess Diana’s death.

2001: Voting 13-0, the Supreme Court officially and unanimously rules out that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is the country’s legitimate president, NOT Joseph Estrada. They didn’t have much of a choice, did they?

2005: American Steve Stephen Fossett becomes the first person to fly an airplane non-stop around the world solo. Today, a Filipino is attempting to duplicate that feat: flying solo, nonstop. His name? Panfilo Lacson.

Thanks to Filipiniana.Net, AnyDayInHistory, and Wikipedia.
———————–
Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today columnist Victor Agustin on Conrado De Quiros, Cory Aquino and Ferdinand Marcos. Meh ganun palang kwento. Now i know.

TRUST II

HEARD ABOUT the Asian Trust Poll conducted by Asian Reader’s Digest magazine? The nationwide survey showed that Rosa Rosal was the most trusted Filipino. Liberal Party standard-bearer Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III placed fifth. When Noynoy heard the news, he challenged Rosal Rosal to a one-on-one debate.

Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manuel Villar Jr. placed 60th in the Asian Reader’s Digest Trust Poll. Sought for comment, Villar told the media, “‘Di ako nagbabasa niyang Reader’s Digest” – to which Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “Akala ko sasabihin mo vegetarian ka rin.”

According to a nationwide survey conducted by Asian Reader’s Digest magazine, Rosa Rosal was the most trusted Filipino. If Rosal would be able to sustain her popularity, Sen. Mar Roxas might withdraw his candidacy and give way.

In the recent Asian Reader’s Digest Trust Survey, administration bet Gilbert Teodoro ranked 65th out of 80 Filipino personalities. That was no longer surprising considering that even his own uncle and aunt distrust him.

In the recent Asian Reader’s Digest trust survey, Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino landed in fifth place. His sister, Kris Aquino landed on the bathroom floor.

In Hot Water
His political foes have accused Sen. Manny Villar of vote buying when he handed out 20-peso bills to indigent children during a campaign sortie in Batangas last week. But Villar’s spokesman, Gilbert Remulla insisted the NP standard-bearer was just doing an “act of charity” – in the hope of dislodging Rosa Rosal in the next Reader’s Digest survey.

Noynoy Flipflops
After repeatedly articulating his populist stance of “No New Taxes” when elected, Noynoy Aquino has apparently changed his mind and said that he’s now open to the idea. He didn’t say though which of the five factions of the Liberal Party advised him to do so.

Gays Speak
Ateneo professor Danton Remoto of ‘Ang Ladlad’ says they will not endorse a presidential candidate because three bets: Gibô, Noynoy, and Villar have equally split the votes of the party-list group’s 25,000 members nationwide. The Comelec 2nd Division lambasts ‘Ang Ladlad’s” decision and accuses the group of promoting promiscuity.

Gays Speak II
On May 10, members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) group “Ang Ladlad” will vote for three presidential candidates: Gilbert Teodoro, Noynoy Aquino, and Manny Villar. This just in! Supporters of Jamby Madrigal has issued a statement castigating “Ang Ladlad” for abandoning “one of their own.”

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: “Nakikita mo ba ‘yan iho? ‘Yan ang C5 road extension project at d‘yan kumita nang malaki ‘yung mamang naka-orange na lagi mong napapanood sa TV.”
B: “Siguro, idol mo ang kapatid kong si Kris ano? Bakit sa tanong na ‘what sound does a bee make,’ ang sagot mo ay “The Buzz!”
C: “Anak, palitan mo ‘yang sinulat mo. Ang tamang tandem ay ‘Noynoy-Mar,’ hindi ‘Noynoy-Jejomar.’”

Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: “Pasensya na po. Hindi available si Jollibee kaya si Querubin ang dinala namin.”
B: “Teka, teka! saan ba ako dapat tumingin? Sinabi kasing butasan ang punyetang costume na ‘to eh! Nagpapakahirap ako ‘tapos 1,5 lang? Buwisit!”
C: “Titigan ang dalawang tao sa aking kanan. Sino sa palagay n’yo ang peke sa kanilang dalawa?”

Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: ‘Uy, buchikoi, butchikoi, come to Lolo Dick. Ang cute cute! Kamukha mo ang lola Kate Gordon mo.”
B: “‘Pag ‘di pa tumaas sa 2 percent ang rating ko, talagang nandadaya na ‘yang Pulse Asia at SWS!”
C: “Akala ng Noynoy na ‘yan, siya lang ang may kakayahang gumamit ng props na bata!”

Loud and Proud!
Will you be an honest president if elected?
Their answers:

———————–
“The goal of modern propaganda is no longer to transform opinion but to arouse an active and mythical belief.”
~ Jacques Ellul

Survey Says
Sino ang iboboto mong VP candidate?
Binay 11%
Chipeco <1%
Fernando 31%
Legarda 4%
Manzano 5%
Roxas 46%
Sonza 1%
Yasay 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

March 2nd
On this date in…
1919: Filipina heroine Melchora “Tandang Sora” Aquino dies… 107 years after Batang Sora was born.

Enjoy the rest of the week!