2009 IN RETROSPECT

IT’S THE END OF 2009. Time to hand out special awards to some of the year’s newsmakers who kept readers of this blog talking, arguing, and yes, heckling one another even.

For some of the categories, there will be a winner and a runner-up. Remember: the role of the runner-up is very important. If for any reason, the winner declines his or her award, the runner-up takes over to fulfill the responsibilities of the winner. Are you ready?

In no particular order, The 2009 Heckler’s Choices are…

“Suicide Bomber” of the Year Award
Winner: Sen. Francis ‘Chiz’ Escudero for dropping a bomb in a gathering of his supporters at Club Filipino. He quit his party and abandoned his presidential bid
“Sa aking paniniwala, sinuman pong nagpaplanong tumakbo bilang pangulo ng bansa, wala dapat partidong kinabibilangan. Ang partido lamang dapat niya ay Pilipinas at ang kanyang mga kapartido ay lahat ng Pilipino.”
Whatever Chiz, whatever!

“In Memoriam” Award
Winner: Sen. Mar Roxas’ quest for the presidency in 2010
- Disgusting political ads + Korina Sanchez + Wowowee appearances: the trifecta of a disastrous premature political campaign
- He languished in presidential surveys until he withdrew his presidential plans. For his supporters, it was a “supreme sacrifice.” For the Professional Heckler, it was a “graceful exit.”
Runner-up: Korina Sanchez’s bid for First Lady
- After praising her then fiancé’s “selfless act,” she went ballistic on radio, demanded an apology from Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros, and lambasted Sen. Francis “Bum Ka Lang sa UP nang Bigyan Kita ng Trabaho sa Dos’” Pangilinan. Ah, bitterness.

“Napilitan Lang Po” Award
Winner: Sen. Noynoy Aquino
- His mother and his sisters were against the idea. He lacked ambition. He lacked determination. He lacked leadership. But he’s got all the stars! That makes him the man to beat next year. Vilma Santos has a term for that: Lucky.
Runner-up: Edu Manzano
A last-minute replacement for Ronaldo Puno, the tv host is facing an uphill climb on his vice presidential bid. If it’s any consolation, there’s a chance that he’ll get more votes than Jejomar Binay, his tormentor in Makati City

“Laglagan Na” Award
Winner: Sen. Panfilo Lacson for his series of anti-Erap privilege speeches
- “God, save the Philippines from Joseph Ejercito a.k.a Joseph Estrada,” Lacson said.
- God knows whatever happened to your exposés Ping! Ano nga ba?
Runner-up: Sen. Jinggoy Estrada for unmasking the “real” Panfilo Lacson as he took the cudgels for his father
- A month-long ‘bangayan’ that exposed both camps’ misdeeds – allegations that were probably true.

“Me and My Stupid Mouth” Award
Winner: Cong. Mikey Arroyo for his incriminating statements during his live guesting on GMA 7’s “Unang Hirit.”
- He redefined the concept of idiocy.
Runner-up: Cerge Remonde on GMA’s breast implant
- “As I said, res ipsa loquitur (the matter speaks for itself). Just look if the President had a breast implant. That’s a private matter. It’s obvious if women have had breast implants. The sexy actresses with (unbelievable) boobs, they’re the ones who underwent breast implants. We can’t say the same thing of the President.”
Aha! Bakit mo alam? Lagi kang nakatitig ‘no?

“Agaw-Eksena” Award
Winner: The H1N1 Virus
- It was the beginning of humanity’s end. Not!
- People avoided public places and commuter trains. Classes were suspended. La Salle Taft became a ghost town. And Asia’s first H1N1 fatality was from the House of Representatives. When the dust settled, Safeguard posted quadruple sales. Hindi kaya pakana lang ng Procter & Gamble ang H1N1 panic?
Runner-up: Former Pagsanjan, Laguna Mayor Abner Afuang
- It was neither Katrina Halili nor Maricar Reyes who showed the nation how to make Hayden Kho wet in mere seconds. It was a fuming ex-cop. And it happened during a Senate hearing.

“Opportunity Knocks Only Once” Award (Also known as ‘Oportunista’ Award)
Winner: Sen. Loren Legarda
-She changes parties faster than she changes panties. Ooops, sorry. An adversary of Sen. Manny Villar during the C5 hearings, she is now his running mate. Why are we not surprised?
Runner-up: Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza
-Initially, they ditched the Nacionalista Party because of Bongbong Marcos. But look where they are now? Rubbing elbows with the dictator’s unico ijo. Whatever happened to ideology?

“Nakausap Ko Si Lord” Award
Winner: Pampanga Gov. Among Ed Panlilio
- In announcing his presidential ambition in July 2009, Panlilio claimed God wanted him to seek higher office. He failed to warn us though that God was fickle-minded.
Runner-up: Bro. Eddie Villanueva
- He’s been saying that the Lord wants him to run. In 2004, God did endorse him but God also voted for another candidate.

“My Lips Are Sealed…” Award
Winner: Sen. Manny Villar
- To the consternation of Senators Jamby Madrigal and Panfilo Lacson, Villar refused to testify on the C5 road project double insertion fiasco at the Senate hearing. The ploy worked for Mr. Sipag at Tiyaga. He maintained his lead in presidential surveys… until Cory Aquino died.
Runner-up: Maricar Reyes
- One of the lead actresses in Hayden Kho’s indie film, Reyes stole the limelight from Katrina Halili when she bagged the Best Actress in a Single Performance Award from the public. Unfortunately, up to this day, she refuses to deliver an acceptance speech.

“Walang Makakaagaw ng Award na Ito Sa Akin” Award
Winner: National Artist Cecile Guidote-Alvarez
- She is the executive director of the National Commission for Culture and the Arts, one of two agencies tasked to search for National Artists. ‘Tapos, siya mismo nanalo?!?!?!?! FYI lang po Ms. Alvarez: naimbento na po ang konsepto ng delicadeza!
Runner-up: National Artist Carlo J. Caparas
- National Artist for Visual Arts and Film?!? Visual Arts na, Film pa? Sa’n ka pa!?!

“Sorry… Tao Lang Po” Award
Winner: Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo for his outburst in a Duty Free Philippines outlet in Parañaque City
- Fajardo’s credit card didn’t bear his signature. When the cashier asked for another ID, he got possessed, and told the staff: “Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo ako kilala? Ako si Boyet Fajardo! At itong putang-inang babaeng ito at ang baklang ito ay mga walang kuwentang tao! I want them fired!”
- Until now though, people are still wondering, “Sino ba ang punyetang Boyet Fajardo na ‘yan?!?”
Runner-up: HK Magazine columnist Chip Tsao for bullying his Filipina maid and calling the Philippines “a nation of public servants”
- The sad thing? It’s true.
[Fajardo and Tsao subsequently apologized but not after getting pilloried by bloggers, columnists, and some opportunist politicians.]

“WTF!” Award
Winner: President Arroyo’s Breast Implant
- Who would have thought that our diminutive president had a boob job some 20 years back? Really. Kudos to the doctors and staff of the Asian Hospital in Alabang, Muntinlupa City for leaking her medical records. Wish ko lang may magtiwala pa sa inyo. Good luck!
Runner-up: Former presidential spokesperson Lorelei Fajardo
- Whenever she spoke, I wanted to believe that she’s been “planted” by the opposition to destroy the president. For chrisssakes, tell me: how on earth was she appointed spokesperson of the world’s once 4th most powerful woman?

“Saksakan ng Kapal ng Apog” Award
Winner: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
- From cabinet secretary to senator to vice president to president to congresswoman! What’s next? Barangay Tanod?!?
Runner-up: Andal Ampatuan Jr.
I need not elaborate. The man is a beast.

“Testing Lang… Baka Makalusot” Award
Co-Winners: Manny Pacquiao and ABS-CBN
Weeks before he fought Ricky Hatton, Pacquiao rescinded his existing deal with Solar Sports and signed a contract with ABS-CBN. Threatened with lawsuits, Manny decided to junk the Kapamilya Network and honored his contract with Solar.

“Bolahin Mo ang Lolo Mong Panot” Award (Also known as “Saan Naman Nanggaling ‘Yung Linyang ‘Yun?” Award)
Winner: Joey De Venecia’s radio political ad
- “Ang buhay ko, laging may banta. Hanapbuhay inipit. Kanegosyo, tinakot. Pero lahat ng ito kaya kong tiisin makasama ko lang kayo sa pagsulong ng pagbabago at pag-angat sa kahirapan. Palabra de Honor. Delicadeza. De Venecia.”
Yeah right!
Runner-up: Mar Roxas’ “Padyak”
-“Sama-sama tayo. Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo!”
Akala ko ba lalaban tayo? Eh, bakit ka umurong?

Special Citations
1: Worst Dancer in a Political Ad Masquerading as an Information Campaign for a Government Agency
Winner: Augusto “Tito Buboy’ Syjuco for TESDA

2: Corniest Protest Paraphernalia a.k.a. “‘Pag ‘Di Pa Kami Napansin, Ewan Ko na Lang” Award
Winner: The Liberal Party’s “Bawang Wreath and Necklace” during the Anti-Con Ass rally in June 2009

FINALLY…
Quotable Quote of the Decade:
“Hello, Garci?”
_______________
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
~ Bill Vaughn

Survey Says
In general, how was your 2009?
Great! 23%
Good! 27%
Okay lang! 29%
Punyeta! 21%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Have a great 2010 everyone! Again, thank you keeping me company during the past 365 days. The Professional Heckler looks forward to seeing you back here. Stay safe, healthy, and full of love. Peace!

HULA OOPS! (FEARLESS FORECASTS)

For 2010, here’s what could happen in Philippine politics…

The Arroyos
President Arroyo will win her Congressional bid in Pampanga, her first legitimate victory in 10 years. In the middle of the year, she will be hospitalized due to “severe rheumatism.” But a newspaper columnist, citing a leak from the hospital, will reveal that she was admitted because of an orthopedic-related condition – doctors must re-construct wire rings that were inserted to her legs 25 years ago as part of a bone-lengthening procedure to make her taller.

Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo will be involved in a domestic scandal. Sexy comedienne Rufa Mae Quinto will identify the presidential son as her mysterious fiancé who gave her a multimillion-peso dream house in San Francisco, California.

In Congress
For the first time since it was founded, the Congressional Spouses Foundation, Inc. will accept as members, husbands of congresswomen. First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo will battle former House Speaker Jose De Venecia Jr. for the chairmanship of the organization. Both of them will be trounced though by Teodoro ‘Teddyboy’ Locsin Jr. whose wife will succeed him as Makati City representative.

The National Elections
The Social Weather Stations, and Pulse Asia, Inc. will post a staggering 300 percent increase in revenues in the first quarter of 2010.

Political parties and alliances will cease to exist on May 11, 2010, a day after the elections.

Political analysts will name Kris Aquino the most popular and most influential endorser of Liberal Party standard bearer Noynoy Aquino… followed closely by ABS-CBN, the Philippine Daily Inquirer, and the Philippine Star.

A week before the polls, both the SWS and Pulse Asia surveys will show that Nacionalista Party’s Manuel Villar Jr. still trails Noynoy Aquino by 10 percentage points. Out of desperation, Villar will raffle off the Laurel Mansion in Shaw Boulevard.

The miting de avance of the Liberal Party will be held at Plaza Miranda. There will be a grenade blast but no one will be injured. Liberal Party stalwart Jovito Salonga will blame Nacionalista Party’s guest candidates Liza Maza and Satur Ocampo as well as the Communist Party of the Philippines for the incident. Jose Ma. Sison will blame President Arroyo.

Following the blast, Defense Sec. Norberto Gonzales will recommend the declaration of martial law. Mrs. Arroyo will consider the proposal only if Mikey Arroyo survives a fake ambush at La Vista Subdivision.

In an unprecedented political maneuver, President Arroyo will endorse the presidential bid of frontrunners Noynoy Aquino and Manny Villar. Lakas-Kampi-CMD operators led by Ronaldo Puno will distribute Photoshopped posters of the president raising the hands of the two opposition candidates.

A consistent third placer in SWS and Pulse Asia surveys, deposed president Joseph Estrada will post another landslide win… in San Juan.

Former PCSO Chairman Manoling Morato will make public another videotape from a casino showing Joseph Estrada playing poker. Morato will then disappear, and Sen. Panfilo Lacson will have a new subject for his next privilege speech.

Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party standard-bearer Atty. Gilbert Teodoro will lose his bid for president but his wife, Tarlac Rep. Monica Louise “Nikki” Prieto-Teodoro will be the runaway winner for First Lady in an online poll.

The miting de avance of Bangon Pilipinas Movement in Luneta will be the most attended. Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s special invite to his flock will read: “Inaanyayahan ko kayo sa isang pagtitipon kung saan, sa tulong at kapangyarihan ni Lord… papakainin ko ang limang milyon!”

Although both of them are non-members of Jesus is Lord Movement and therefore, will not be uninvited, Bagumbayan Party’s Richard Gordon and Bayani Fernando will be present at Bro. Eddie’s Luneta gathering. Gordon and Fernando will lead a group of on-call first aid volunteers.

Before the official start of the campaign period, Sen. Jamby Madrigal will quit the race for president. And no one will give a damn.

The Liberal Party’s presidential and vice presidential candidates have a huge chance of winning. But Noynoy Aquino and Mar Roxas will argue a lot mainly because everytime Noynoy seeks Mar’s advice, he would always say, “Noynoy, tumabi ka nga, ako na!”

Nationalist People’s Coalition’s bet and Nacionalista Party’s guest vice presidential candidate Loren Legarda will be defeated again. She’ll be a Liberal before the opening of Congress in June.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay will place third in the race for vice president. It will be his first electoral defeat in 24 years.

Lakas-Kampi-CMD candidate Edu Manzano will not be successful in his bid for the vice presidency. ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs head Maria Ressa will then lift the restrictions imposed on Manzano’s fiancée Pinky Webb, who was barred from talking about her relationship with Edu or being seen in public with him during the election period.

Bayan Muna’s Satur Ocampo and Gabriela’s Liza Maza will both lose for senator but will still celebrate… primarily because they’ll receive more votes than rival group Akbayan’s senatorial bet Rissa Hontiveros.

Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla will win another Senate term but Lito Lapid will lose. An SWS survey will then reveal that Filipino voters have at least matured by 1 percent.

The Local Elections
Manny Pacquiao will defeat the rich and influential Roy Chiongbian for congressman in Saranggani Province. Floyd Mayweather Jr. will question the win and accuse Pacquiao of using steroids before he fought Chiongbian.

Mayor Jejomar Binay’s son Jejomar Erwin or Junjun will win the mayoral race in Makati City. The younger Binay will look forward to serving the residents of the country’s financial district… until his six-year-old son is old enough to succeed him.

In Entertainment
Megastar Sharon Cuneta will lose… ten pounds.

ABS-CBN will continue to dominate the nationwide ratings. And Annabelle Rama will continue to dominate GMA 7 bosses.

ABS-CBN will continue to harvest Golden Dove trophies from the KBP … mainly because it’s the only network that participates in the said awards.

Vice President Noli De Castro will return as main anchor of TV Patrol World. He will do what he does best: news reading.

ABC 5, majority owned now by (my former employer ha-ha) Manny V. Pangilinan’s Mediaquest Holdings will make its presence felt by being different. For at least a month, it will air its only top-rating program Talentadong Pinoy, 24/7!

One of Annabelle Rama’s sons will come “out.” Rama will blame GMA7 executive Wilma Galvante for making her son gay.

GMA 7’s most loyal host, Master Showman German Moreno will be hospitalized… due to acute insomnia.

Over at the Kapamilya Network, after being toppled by Vhong Navarro’s ‘Showtime’ in ratings supremacy, Wowowee’s Willie Revillame will quit the show. And no one will give a damn either.

Charice will make it to Hollywood. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will adopt her.

A fire will damage one of the rooms in Hayden Kho and Vicki Belo’s love nest. Belo will suffer first-degree burns. Hayden will subsequently admit that it was his fault: he mistook Vicki for a huge candle and lit her with a match.

Hayden Kho will attempt to commit suicide again… not in a pineapple plantation though but inside Vicki Belo’s bedroom. Probers will rule the cause of death as prolonged exposure to hazardous plastics.

Recently renamed Encore, controversial high-society party place Embassy will be renamed again. Embassy will soon be known as Ecstasy.

In the News…
Tiff Off
The highly anticipated Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather Jr. bout was canceled after Pacquiao’s camp rejected Mayweather Jr’s demand that they undergo a blood test 48 hours before the fight. Manny is against any test that involves blood because the last time he underwent the procedure, some kid claimed he was his father.

Salceda Praised
Albay Gov. Joey Salceda has been praised for his efficient and effective disaster-response program during the eruption of Mayon Volcano. Every single person was rescued alive… prompting Salceda to describe his constituents as “lucky bitches.”

Ano ang nababagay na pamagat, deskrispyon o caption sa larawang ito? [Note: Presidential candidates Estrada, Villar, & Aquino and VP bet Roxas visited evacuation centers in Albay last week.]
A: Wanna bet?
B: “O, siguraduhin lamang po na tamang pangalan ang mamarkahan sa inyong mga balota huh.”
C:
“Presidente Erap, puwede po bang tulungan n’yo kaming lumipat sa Makati? Libre daw po lahat do’n eh.”
“Senador Villar, pa-raffle ka naman ng bahay at lupa dito sa evacuation center.”
“Senador Noynoy at Mar, next time po, isama n’yo naman sina Kris at Korina!”
D: “Sana laging pumuputok ang Mayon para lagi din silang makaalala.”
_______________
“The most reliable way to forecast the future is to try to understand the present.”
~John Naisbitt

Have a safe and productive 2010 everyone!

CHRISTMAS AND POLITICS, TOO

FIRST, some bad news. Mayon Volcano has erupted. The explosion has endangered the lives of Albay residents… prompting President Arroyo to declare martial law in the province.

AGAIN, I would like to apologize for this delayed post. I promise to have regular updates after Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, a number of political personalities emailed me and asked why their own re-creations/re-enactments of the Nativity Scene were not mentioned in the previous post. I told them I was running out of time when I uploaded that particular post last Sunday. Nonetheless, I promised to feature their own Yuletide anecdotes in the succeeding posts.

It’s the holiday season. It’s Christmas! The signs are all over: people flocking to Divisoria; Communist rebels declaring a truce with the government, and Satur Ocampo shaking hands with Bongbong Marcos!

Did you hear what happened when the First Gentleman dressed up like Santa at the palace? When he started talking, his grandchildren said, “You’re not Santa! You’re Santo Niño!”

A Yuletide trivia about the Defensor-Santiagos. Since 1992, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago and her husband have refused to display Christmas trees in their house. Asked why, the couple replied, “Ganun katindi ang galit namin sa mga puno.”

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is perhaps the most consistent local executive when it comes to playing Santa to his constituents. He’s been doing that for 23 consecutive years!

Instead of designating someone to buy stuff for him, Sen. Manny Villar himself did the shopping this year. The most expensive item he bought was Loren Legarda.

Atty. Gilbert Teodoro had a difficult time shopping. So he just let Ronaldo Puno do the work for him.

Something bad happened to the Nativity Scene created by Sen. Panfilo Lacson. The three kings who were traveling at night were mistaken for robbers and were ‘neutralized.’ Lacson accused Erap of masterminding it.

The Liberal Party’s re-enactment of the Nativity Scene was one of the most controversial. Serge Osmeña backed out from playing Jesus when he learned that Ralph and Vilma would play Joseph and Mary.

In Pampanga, the re-enactment of the Nativity Scene at the capitol was ordered stopped by Governor Ed Panlilio. The priest-on-leave canceled the event when Mr. and Mrs. Bong and Lilia Pineda insisted on playing the role of the infant Jesus’ “godparents.”

In fairness to Lakas-Kampi-CMD, they did try to re-enact the Nativity Scene. They just couldn’t really complete the cast.

The Roxas-Araneta family had a lavish Christmas party in which the Nativity Scene was reenacted. As expected, Mar Roxas played Joseph. Korina Sanchez was infant Jesus’ stepmother.

Former senator Jovito Salonga’s favorite Christmas carol is “The Christmas Song.” He particularly likes the line that goes, “And so I’m offering this simple phrase/ To kids from 1 to 92…”

Sen. Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. also loves “The Christmas Song.” He gets horny when he hears the line, “Chest nuts roasting on an open fire…”

Senatorial aspirant and retired Army Major Gen. Jovito Palparan doesn’t like people in Santa outfit. He refused to elaborate but said, “I just hate Reds.”

Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros is giving away Transformers toys this year. He purchased both sets of Autobots and Decepticons… because he believes in toys that depict the battle between good and evil.

Rumors say Korina was a no-show at the Christmas party of ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs… making it the group’s most enjoyable gathering in recent years.

The Kapuso Network’s party for the press was well thought of. However, network bosses were reportedly alarmed when ABS-CBN’s press party got a higher rating from the attendees!

In terms of variety though, ABC 5’s Yuletide parties top them all. Every year, they celebrate the Holidays with new owners, new bosses, and new officemates.

Finally, for the first time in history, the Philippine Daily Inquirer and the Philippine Star had a joint Christmas party. Thanks to their joint sponsor, Noynoy Aquino.
______
“If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.”
~Charles Schulz

Light Bites
Q: In Maguindanao, an unidentified person donned a Santa costume. He was really unrecognizable. But when he spoke three words, the kids around him yelled, “Andal Ampatuan Jr!” What three words did he utter?
A: Backhoe! Ho! Ho!

Survey Says…
After watching them in a couple of presidential fora, who do you think deserves your vote in 2010?
NOYNOY AQUINO 25%
JC DE LOS REYES 1%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 1%
DICK GORDON 26%
JAMBY MADRIGAL <1%
GILBERT TEODORO 36%
EDDIE VILLANUEVA 5%
MANNY VILLAR 6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
I’d like to thank Senator Chiz Escudero for the Holiday txt greets. Chiz’ thoughtfulness never fails to amaze me – despite the heckling.

And to everyone who made this year a remarkable and memorable one for The Professional Heckler, Merry Christmas!

To borrow Pacquiao’s line: Maraming salamat sa inyung supurta!

Have a safe vacation!

CHRISTMAS AND POLITICS

APOLOGIES for the delayed post. It’s the Holiday Season people. Everyone is preoccupied with something: doing some last minute shopping, attending Christmas parties, reuniting with old friends, etc.

These days, people in the metro have the same schedule: 5 hours in the office or malls, 4 hours in traffic.

The Senate is holding a lavish Christmas celebration. Everyone is expected to attend… except for Chiz Escudero. The guy hates parties.

Guess who’ll be the busiest senator this Christmas! Who else but Loren Legarda. She’ll be hopping from party to party.

The Senate plans to recreate the Nativity Scene. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the Virgin.

Sen. Manny Villar won’t play any part in the Nativity Scene but he volunteered to donate the house, the lot, and the manger.

For some reason, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile has rejected suggestions to let Senators Jamby Madrigal, Bong Revilla, and Lito Lapid to play the role of the three wise men.

Sen. Mar Roxas has repeatedly expressed interest to play the role of Joseph. But getting no support from his colleagues, he withdrew.

Eighty-two year old senator Joker Arroyo refused to take part in the activity. But that was understandable since Methuselah was never a part of the Nativity Scene.

Not to be outdone, Malacañang is also recreating its own Nativity Scene. Virgilio Garcillano, Hermogenes Esperon, and Ronaldo Puno will portray the three kings. However, they are not expected to bring incense, gold, or myrrh. Instead, they will deliver… votes.

When Andal Ampatuan Jr. heard Malacañang’s plan, he sent a note to President Arroyo and volunteered his talent. He wanted to play the role of Herod so he could slaughter innocents.

The characters in the palace’s Nativity Scene were already complete when Mikey Arroyo angrily protested his exclusion. To pacify the presidential son, Malacañang people offered him a special but undemanding role. He’ll be the shit of a camel.

At the Lower House, congressmen couldn’t complete their own Nativity Scene. Nobody dared to play Jesus but everyone was qualified to play the role of an ass.

In Times Street, Sen. Noynoy Aquino has recreated his own Nativity Scene. His three wise men look dazed though because they’re following not just one but several stars.

Just as confused are the Three Kings in Sen. Richard Gordon’s Bagumbayan Party’s Nativity Scene. The kings are having a hard time following the star because of several street signs that say: “Walang tawiran, nakamamatay.”

Back to Times Street, Noynoy Aquino had a difficult time finishing his Nativity Scene because Kris Aquino insisted on playing the role of the star.

In Polk Street, chaos marred the recreation of the Estradas’ Nativity Scene. Erap played the role of Joseph but everday, a different woman plays the role of Mary.

The Nativity Scene in Gilbert Teodoro‘s house was reportedly one of the most intricate, beautiful, and well-crafted recreations. Unfortunately, only 2 percent of his friends have seen it.

You can find all kinds of Christmas decors at the residence of environmentalist Nicanor Perlas except for the Nativity Scene. According to the Comelec, he doesn’t have the capability and the resources to create one.

The Villars’ Laurel mansion in Shaw Blvd. boasts of the most expensive decors. There are two six-foot Christmas trees, two giant Santa Clauses, and two life-size Nativity Scenes. A recent survey showed that Villar has narrowed the gap between him and Noynoy so expect a double celebration this Christmas!

Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s own Nativity Scene tops them all. Surrounding the infant Jesus are 5 million sheep!

Finally, the Communist Party of the Philippines produced perhaps the oddest of all Nativity Scene re-creations. Their wise men are in Congress, the shepherds are in the Sierra Madre mountains, and their God is in the Netherlands!

In other news…
Manny Pacquiao, endorser of top brands like Nike, Rexona, and SMB now endorses presidential candidate Manny Villar. Mr. Sipag at Tiyaga is Pacquiao’s only endorsement that is currently No. 2 in the market.

Photo of the Weak
Ito po ay isang malinaw na patunay na may kakayahang ngumiti ang isang aso.

_____________________
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
~Anonymous

This Just In! The Commission on Elections, particularly 2nd Division members Nicodemo Ferrer, Elias Yusoph and Lucenito Tagle have junked the proposal of 1st Division commissioners to put colorful Christmas decors in their office. Yusoph, Tagle, and Ferrer described the proposal as “so gay.”

Have a productive week ahead!

HOPEFUL, HOPEFULS

Official Candidates
The Commission on Elections approved the candidacies of eight presidential nominees: former defense secretary Gilbert Teodoro, Sen. Richard Gordon, Sen. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III, Sen. Manuel Villar, former president Joseph Estrada; Olongapo City Councilor Juan Carlos “JC” de los Reyes, Bro. Eddie Villanueva, and Sen. Ana Maria Consuelo “Jamby” Madrigal. It’s an all-male battle for the presidency!

Official VP Candidates
The list of vice presidential candidates approved by the Commission on Elections was more diverse. There was a woman (Loren Legarda) and there were two blacks (Jejomar Binay and Jay Sonza).

Perlas Is Out
The Commission on Elections rejected the presidential bid of Nicanor Perlas. The commissioners junked him when they learned that the environmental activist’s platform includes “Cleaning up the Comelec.”

Suicidal?
Former actor, Marcos loyalist, and forever aspiring public servant Amay Bisaya reportedly vowed to commit suicide on Election Day if he loses his gubernatorial bid in Bohol province. But friends and supporters have advised Bisaya not to lose hope in case he doesn’t win at the polls. After all, he can always rely on a Comelec recount.

Hopeful
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 86 percent of respondents would enter the New Year with hope. But the Nacionalista Party is questioning the survey because the remaining 14 percent of respondents answered “Noynoy Aquino.”

Judge Dreads
Judge Luisito Cortez of Quezon City RTC Branch 84 has backed out from handling the trial of Datu Unsay Mayor Andal Ampatuan Jr. for the Maguindanao massacre. Asked why, Cortez replied, “Better back out than be backhoed.”

Ano ang angkop na deskripsyon, pamagat, o caption sa larawang ito?

A: “Teka lang, teka lang. ‘Wag n’yo na ‘kong kunan. Baka sabihin naman nila, gumigimik lang ako.”
B: “At least puwede ‘ko itong gawin. Si pinsang Noynoy, delikado. Masamang dumikit sa sanggol ang amoy sigarilyo.”
C: “Kapag ‘di pa naman nag-double digit ang rating ko nito, ewan ko na lang.”
D: Lahat ng nagiging trapo ay nagsisimula sa mga eksenang ganito.

Overseas
In Texas, USA… Houston became the first city to elect an openly gay mayor, a historic development described by Comelec commissioner Nicodemo Ferrer as “immoral.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “It’s an FG.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “You mean, my first nine years?”

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi suffered a broken nose and two broken teeth when a deranged man hit him with a statue during a Milan rally. Berlusconi was immediately put into a car but remained calm and waved to to the crowd. In the Philippines, a deranged woman almost hit President Arroyo with a tomato during a rally in Manila. Arroyo was immediately put into a car but remained calm and declared Martial Law.
_____________
“Dum spiro, spero” (While I breathe, I hope)
~Latin Proverb (Cicero)

Survey Says
Are you done with your Christmas shopping?
YES! 10%
NOT YET. 73%
Bawal sa religion namin/Pass muna. 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

LEFT WITH VILLAR

Villar and the Left
Party list representatives Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza have finally agreed to join the Nacionalista Party as guest senatorial candidates. The hardcore leftists made the decision to join Villar’s party because they’re running under similar platforms and they’re running out of time.

Villar and the Left II
Leftist solons Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza of the newly formed Makabayan Party have forged a tactical alliance with presidential aspirant Manuel Villar Jr.’s Nacionalista Party for the 2010 elections. While Ocampo and Maza also held talks with the Liberal Party, they opted to say yes to Villar mainly because it was more acceptable for them to be in the same slate with Bongbong Marcos than Rissa Hontiveros.

Villar and the Left III
Leftist solons Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza have picked Manny Villar over Noynoy Aquino. The Left finds it more acceptable to support a ‘Panginoong May Bahay’ than a ‘Panginoong May Lupa.’

Villar and the Left IV
Nacionalista Party standard bearer Manuel Villar Jr. said, “If you can’t understand why we teamed up with Makabayan, you don’t understand what the Nacionalista Party is fighting for.” Of course, we do! You are fighting for survival!

Villar and the Left V
Nacionalista Party has formed a tactical alliance with Makabayan Party, an umbrella group of hardcore Leftist organizations including Bayan Muna, Gabriela, Anakpawis, Kabataan, Katribu, Migrante, Courage, and the Alliance of Concerned Teachers. With the support of the Left, Villar believes his will be the biggest proclamation “rally” ever.

IRREPLACEABLE?
For Senator Manny Villar
[Inspired by the “strange” alliance between the Makabayan Party and the Nacionalista Party (with Bongbong Marcos). To be sung to the tune of Irreplaceable, Beyoncé’s Grammy Award-winning song. Before start singing, right click here for musical accompaniment, para mas cool.]

With the Left, with the Left
With the Left, with the Left
Hmmm, with the Left, with the Left

Everything you’ll do for a win, with the Left
From the outset that’s your wish, yes
(If) we don’t buy it don’t say ouch (say ouch)

You keep courting those guys, that’s fine
And Bongbong Marcos at the same time
But it’s our fate you put on the line
Be wise with your moves lest we call you an ass

Refrain:
Standing on the platform telling us
”Vote for me you fools,” talking about
How we’ll never ever find a man like you
You got us wrong sir

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We could choose another guy in the precinct
Matter fact seven, eight also running, Manny

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We can have another you by 2010
Don’t you ever for a second get to thinking
You’re irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
And check out that slate, see if it’s fine
Oops, we bet ya thought that we didn’t know
What you did is for your party’s survival

Sir, isn’t that true
Look at your bets, Marcos&Ocampo?
Will they make up and kiss
Hurry up before your ratings drip

Refrain II
Standing on the platform telling us
“My bets are best you fools,” talking about
How we’ll never ever find a team like yours
You got us wrong sir

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We could pick another guy from the Senate
We could have Gibô or that talking short Dick, Manny

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We can have another guy by tomorrow
So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking
You’re irreplaceable

In Other News…
Remember Quezon Rep. Danilo Suarez? The congressman who footed a $15,000 bill for a sumptuous dinner for President Arroyo and her entourage in her recent US trip raffled off 300 thousand pesos to Lower House employees who attended the regular Monday flag-raising ceremony. Senate employees are reportedly excited to attend the flag-raising ceremony next Monday following rumors that Sen. Manuel Villar is raffling off houses and lots.

Not to be outdone, Liberal Party’s Sen. Noynoy Aquino will be raffling off his family’s shares of Hacienda Luisita stocks.

FPJ’s Death Anniv
The family, friends, and supporters of actor Fernando Poe Jr. commemorated his 5th death anniversary yesterday, December 14. Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada also attended the mass. Nope, Jun Lozada is neither a family member nor a friend or supporter of Poe’s. Wala lang. Wala siyang ibang magawa eh, bakit nakikialam kayo?

GMA’s Health
After a “routine check up,” President Arroyo left St. Luke’s Medical Center Sunday morning. The hospital declined to issue a a medical bulletin. Instead, it advised the public to read Jarius Bondoc’s next column for juicy details.

GMA’s Health II
President Arroyo left St. Luke’s Medical Center Sunday morning. The hospital declined to issue a medical bulletin but said the president was excited to attend the Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen to learn more about the effects of global warming on breast implants.

NPC’s Bets
The Nationalist People’s Coalition is supporting only the candidacy of vice presidential bet Loren Legarda, and is fielding just two senatorial candidates for the 2010 elections – former Sen. Vicente Sotto and Agusan del Sur Rep. Rodolfo Plaza. The decision to field only two senatorial bets didn’t come as a surprise since the NPC has only three remaining members.
________________
“Politics makes strange bedfellows.”
~Charles Dudley Warner

FILTHY, RICH

The Ampatuans
Military authorities say the Ampatuan family whose members are working in government as governors, vice governors, mayors, vice mayors, etc. probably owns as many as 23 houses in Maguindanao, Davao City and Metro Manila, including several mansions. Now we know why they call it “internal” revenue allotment.

Reports say Andal Ampatuan Sr. and his children probably own as many as 23 houses in Maguindanao, Davao City, and Metro Manila. The only other Filipino who’s got more is Manny Villar.

The Ampatuans II
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, in one Ampatuan compound alone, soldiers found a Hummer, a Toyota Land Cruiser, a Chevrolet Suburban, a GMC truck, two Toyota Hi-Lux pick-ups, a Ford F150, an Isuzu D-Max pick-up, a Toyota Hi-Ace van and two military trucks. A separate raid on Andal Ampatuan Jr.’s compound yielded nine funeral cars.

In one Ampatuan compound alone, soldiers discovered a Hummer, a Toyota Land Cruiser, a Chevrolet Suburban, a GMC truck, two Toyota Hi-Lux pick-ups, a Ford F150, an Isuzu D-Max pick-up, a Toyota Hi-Ace van and two military trucks… fueling speculations that a member of the influential family actually works at the Bureau of Customs.

Most Searched
According to Yahoo! Philippines, Manny Pacquiao is the most searched Filipino online in 2009 followed by former president Corazon Aquino. Offline, the most searched were the Ampatuans of Maguindanao.

According to Yahoo! Philippines, Manny Pacquiao is the most searched Filipino online in 2009. Unfortunately for Noynoy Aquino, despite the death of his mother, he didn’t make the Top 5 this time.

Routine Checkup
President Arroyo checked into St. Luke’s Medical Center Friday night for a routine checkup. The president’s medical bulletin is expected to be released Sunday unless of course PhilStar’s Jarius Bondoc writes about it in advance.

CNN Hero Robbed?
A 52-year-old woman was nabbed after snatching from CNN Hero Efren Peñaflorida a pouch containing his “kikay kit” as he was about to board a car in front of NAIA Terminal 2 last Friday. The suspect denied that she tried to steal Efren’s hygiene kit but admitted that she’s been dying to have his “Ako Mismo” dog tag.

Bro. Eddie and Corruption
If elected president, Jesus Is Lord leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva vows to do one thing in the first six months to one year of his term – eradicate corruption in government… or in Biblical parlance, to perform a miracle.

The Nobel Peace Prize
The good news is US President Barack Obama has accepted the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo, Norway the other day. The bad news is, he lost the award two days later after the Commission on Elections declared a new winner.
____________
“I get so tired listening to one million dollars here, one million dollars there, it’s so petty.”
~Imelda Marcos

ISANG LINGGONG PAGHIBIK

The Commission on Elections’ recent ruling against Isabela Governor Grace Padaca and “Ang Ladlad” inspired this parody of an Imelda Papin hit.

Before start singing, click here for musical accompaniment.

Lunes…
”Ang Ladlad” ay ibinasura.

Martes…
Natanggal si Jonjon Mendoza.

Miyerkules…
Na-unseat si Grace Padaca.

Huwebes…
Among Ed? Next na ba siya?

Biyernes
Ay puno ng pakiramdaman
Si Jesse Robredo ay sadyang nahintakutan

Sabado
’Tinuloy kanilang pagbibilang
At pagsapit ng Linggo sino kayang mapupuruhan?

Refrain:
O kay lupit naman ng Comelec
Ruling nito ay sadyang kay bagsik
Natulog kaming pwesto ang kapiling
Ngunit wala na nang kami’y gumising

O kay lupit, Nicodemo Ferrer
Kung umasta para kang si Hitler
Ang ruling mo’y sadya ngang kay saklap
Sa isang iglap lang, tanggal na ang lahat!

Have a great week ahead!

Survey Says
On the martial law that was imposed in Maguindanao, your take:
DAPAT LANG! 67%
MALING-MALI! 23%
I DON’T KNOW. I’M STILL THINKING. 10%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

TWIT TWEETS

DECEMBER 9, 2009: The joint session of Congress has begun. While we await the decision of our lawmakers on Proclamation 1959, let’s read some “tweets” allegedly posted online by some prominent figures.

President Arroyo: “Watching the joint session of Congress on ANC. I’m confident that my allies won’t fail me.”
less than 5 seconds ago from twitterfeed

Agnes Devanadera: “Being grilled now by Cong. Dilangalen on the imposition of ML in Maguindanao. Grabe, ang hirap palang mag-Twitter nang palihim.”
less than 30 seconds ago from twitterfeed

Defense Sec. Bert Gonzales: “Still in Singapore. Not sure if I could attend the joint session tom.”
4 minutes ago from web

Exec. Sec Ed Ermita: “@BertGonzales ‘Langya ka! Nang-iwan ka na naman! Ba’t ka ba nasa Singapore?”
3 minutes ago from web

Andal Ampatuan Jr.: “Can’t sleep. I miss my wives.”
6 minute ago from twitterfeed

Sen. Lito Lapid: “Nasa joined secession ng Kongreso. Nakakaantok. Limang na oras na ‘kong walang naiintindihan.”
about 1 hour ago from twitterfeed

Sen. Bong Revilla: “@LitoLapid Akala mo ikaw lang? Ako rin kaya! Tara, sibat na tayo! Mauna ka na para ‘di halata.”
30 minutes from web

Andal Ampatuan Sr.: “@AndalJr. Gawan mo ng paraang maibalik sa kapitolyo ang backhoe. Hindi pa liquidated ang perang ibinili nun. Baka hanapin ng COA.”
38 minutes from twitterfeed

Imelda Marcos: “Critics of the martial law in Maguindanao should just shut up. Martial rule will make the province and its people beautiful.”
43 minutes ago from Ping.fm

ARMM Gov. Zaldy Ampatuan: “Malapit nang maubos ang pasensya ko. Kapag ako ang napikon, bahala na, magkakalabasan talaga ng baho.”
about 2 hours ago from web

Korina Sanchez: “Hates the thought of having dinner alone again(!) because of this freakin’ joint session. Grrrr!”
about 4 hours ago from Hootsuite

Manny Villar: “The Nacionalista Party has two slots available. If you’re interested, email Gilbert Remulla na lang.”
11:30AM Dec 08th from web

Lorelei Fajardo: “This joint session of Congress is indeed historical.”
about 5 hours ago from Ping.fm

Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “@LoreleiFajardo, Dear, it’s ‘historic’ not ‘historical!’ Well, what can you expect from someone who has never set foot on Cambridge, Harvard, nor Oxford?”
about 3 hours ago from web

Comelec_Online: “Comelec’s 2nd Division orders Afghan President Hamid Karzai to step down. Opponent Abdullah Abdullah wins recount.”
30 seconds ago from twitterfeed

Hayden Kho Jr.: “Ano bang meron sa Congress? Bakit ‘di napag-usapang masyado ang suicide attempt ko?”
about 15 hours ago

Satur Ocampo: “NP cuts ties with KBL. Uy Liza, chance na natin ‘to!”
8:23PM Dec 08th from Uber Twitter

Gilbert Teodoro: “Watching the replay of the ANC Presidential Forum. Just noticed, Noynoy was reading from a prepared opening statement.”
10:02PM Dec 9th from web

Liza Maza: “@SaturOcampo Are you sure? Kasi, Bongbong is still a guest candidate daw.”
10:02 PM Dec 08th from Uber Twitter

Conrado De Quiros: “@GilbertTeodoro So what if Noynoy was reading from a prepared opening statement? Lest you forget, the forum was a battle between good and evil. And you are evil.”
12:56 AM Dec 9th from web

Noynoy Aquino: “@GilbertTeodoro @ConradDeQuiros Labas ako sa away na ‘yan huh!”
1:02 PM Dec 09th from Uber Twitter

Erap Para sa Mahirap: “Thanks sa greets. 50 yrs na kami ni doktora at kakatapos lang ng honeymoon namin. Pero atin-atin lang mga ‘tol, iba pa rin talaga si Laarni.”
11:28 AM Dec 7th from web

Conrado De Quiros: “Latest SWS survey is out. Noynoy, 47%, Villar, 20%, and Teodoro, 3%. Wohoo!”
02:10 AM Dec 9th from web

Mikey Arroyo: “Watching my all-time favorite TV show. Mr. Bean rocks!”
4:45 PM Dec 5th from Uber Twitter

Manny Pacquiao: “New hir. You know. Tisting lang.”
7:46 PM Dec 6th from the web
_________
“It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.”
~ Joseph Joubert

Follow me on Twitter.

SATISFACTION

I’M SURE YOU’VE noticed how chilly our mornings have become. The temperature is so low, weathermen say it’s actually lower than President Arroyo’s satisfaction rating.

Joint Session
Senators and congressmen are holding a joint session tomorrow to tackle the martial law imposed in Maguindanao. Representatives of the Guinness World Records will also be present to authenticate RP’s latest bid to establish a new world record for the largest gathering of thieves.

The Ampatuans’ Arms Cache
Recent raids in the Ampatuan residences yielded more than 400 carbine, garand and M-14 rifles, more than 300 kind of magazines and thousands of rounds of ammunition, 11 pistols, 20 long HP firearms, several machine guns, sniper rifles, armored vehicles, camouflage uniforms, and mortars. Senate committee on national defense and security chairman Rodolfo Biazon is seeking an indepth investigation to determine how the Ampatuans got hold of one-half of the AFP’s armory.

Same Sex Marriages
Manila Rep. Bienvenido Abante has sought the criminalization of same-sex marriages in the country saying it’s “highly immoral, scandalous, and detestable.” Abante is seeking re-election in Manila but in case he loses, the Comelec Second Division is willing to take him as its fourth member.

In Entertainment…
Last Friday evening, lawyer Lorna Kapunan, a self-proclaimed feminist and women’s rights advocate-turned-Hayden Kho Jr. apologist and defender dismissed rumors that her client had another suicide attempt. However, witnesses claimed they found the visibly distraught ex-doctor in a pineapple plantation in Silang, Cavite before dawn Friday uttering words like “Huwag n’yo na kong hanapin. Walang nagmamahal sa akin. Nagpaalam na ako sa Diyos.” We all know what happened next: he survived. Due to this development, GMA 7’s “Wish Ko Lang” has invited Hayden to guest on the program. The show will grant his wish to die!

Lawyer Lorna Kapunan said Hayden Kho Jr. was rushed to the hospital not because of another suicide attempt but due to intestinal flu. Attending physicians said he consumed at least 50 leaves of pineapple.

My unimpeachable source said Hayden Kho DID attempt to hurt himself again because Dr. Vicki Belo threatened to break up with him after receiving information that he’s seeing another woman. Worse, that woman was Atty. Lorna Kapunan!

A source said Hayden Kho is back to his old womanizing ways, infuriating his girlfiend, Dr. Vicki Belo. Belo’s reaction surprised a lot of people who always thought that wax figures do not have emotion.

Tiger in Trouble
Golf superstar Tiger Woods is being linked to at least 10 women who have threatened to surface and tell their stories. Some of the women are reportedly armed with incriminating photos. The imminent threat has prompted Woods to declare Martial Law.

Tabloids are linking Tiger Woods to several sexy women. Woods have denied the allegation and insisted that it was just part of the promo for his upcoming film fest entry.

Ten women are being linked now to Tiger Woods. When actress Gina Alajar heard the report, she updated her Facebook status and wrote: “If I were Elin Nordegren-Woods, I would not give up on Tiger. Those 10 girls are not worth it.”

Reports say 10 women have emerged and claimed they had an affair with Tiger Woods. Observers believe eight more will surface to complete the 18 holes.

Playgirl magazine claims it has received a collection of naked Tiger Woods photos. Curious fans are eager to know if Tiger’s birdie is an eagle.

___________
“As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death.”
~George Bernard Shaw

Survey Says
Among these presidential aspirants, who’s likely to withdraw his/her bid before May 2010?
Joseph Estrada :15%
Councilor JC De Los Reyes :18%
Sen. Jamby Madrigal :17%
Nicanor Perlas :4%
No one. Tuloy ang laban! :46%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
An open letter to Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros

If this columnist is telling the truth, why not just identify the subjects of his blind items?

THE PRESIDENT’S REPORT

Martial Law in Maguindanao
Have you read President Arroyo’s report to Congress as regards the proclamation of Martial Law in the province of Maguindanao? Here’s the original draft of the report.

Office of the President
of the Philippines
Malacañang

THE SENATE OF THE PHILIPPINES
Roxas Boulevard, Pasay City

ATTENTION:
HON. JUAN PONCE ENRILE
Senate President

-and-

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
Constitution Hills,
Quezon City, Philippines 1126

ATTENTION:
HON. PROSPERO NOGRALES
Speaker of the House

Your Honors,

Lest we miss anything or be misquoted on something, just refer to ANC, GMA News, the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the Philippine Star, and other news organizations/agencies for a comprehensive account of the situation in Maguindanao.

Either that, or allow us an extension of 72 hours to collate our own information for a more detailed and decent report.

By Order of the President,
EDUARDO R. ERMITA
Executive Secretary

______
Personal
Today, December 7, 2009, I vow to stop joining the government’s Premyo sa Resibo contest. I started texting in 2003. Six years later, I have yet to win a single cent from the promo. Can’t they at least reward loyalty? Now, I am starting to doubt if the photos of winners that come out in newspapers are for real.

Kung itinago ko na lamang ang halagang nagastos sa pagte-text mula sa unang araw na nag-join ako hanggang kaninang umaga, baka mas malaki pa ang naipon ko kaysa sa tax collection ng BIR. [Oo, OA ako. Hayaan n'yo na.] Ayoko na! Ayoko na!%@#^4#%#^

RACE ROUNDUP

IN DECLARING her bid for a Congressional seat in Pampanga, President Arroyo said, “Public service is emblazoned on my DNA.” Geneticists who were monitoring the announcement on TV almost believed Mrs. Arroyo’s claim about the quality of her DNA… until they saw Mikey Arroyo.

Contrary to initial reports, President Arroyo is running against three opponents in next year’s elections. They were identified as… Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao.

A day after Joseph Estrada filed his certificate of candidacy, former congressman Mark Jimenez filed his own CoC. Two ex-convicts are now running for president. Welcome to the Philippines!

Sen. Richard Gordon has joined his nephew, Olongapo City Councilor John Carlos “JC” Gordon De Los Reyes in the presidential derby. With neither uncle nor nephew expected to give way, observers predict a very tight race… for fifth place.

Former MMDA chairman Bayani Fernando, who has been very vocal about his presidential ambitions has decided to run for vice president instead. He is now seeking the endorsement of the Pink Sisters.

Joseph Estrada reportedly got pissed when Nacionalista Party’s Manuel Villar Jr. used his trademark “orange” as official campaign color. This prompted Estrada’s advisers to adopt ‘tangerine’ instead as their new color – a move that further incensed the former president who found it hard to spell ‘tangerine.’

Reelectionist senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. of Lakas-Kampi-CMD is a guest candidate of at least four other political parties: Partido ng Masang Pilipino, Nationalist People’s Coalition, Nacionalista Party, and Laban ng Demokratikong Pilipino. But that was nothing compared to Sen. Mar Roxas who used to be a guest on at least five: Wowowee, A.S.A.P., The Buzz, SNN, and Rated K.

While other presidentiables filed their certificates of candidacy with throngs of supporters, nobody (not even her husband) accompanied Sen. Jamby Madrigal when she filed her CoC. Jamby was a ‘one-man team.’

Former senator and Dangerous Drugs Board chairman Vicente “Tito” Sotto III will run for senator under the banner of the Nationalist People’s Coalition. He is also a guest candidate… on Eat Bulaga – daily.

The ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party announced Tuesday that lawyer Raul Lambino would be one of its senatorial candidates in the 2010 polls. Two days later though, he was dropped from the slate after he tried to change the party’s charter.

The Commission on Elections has announced that it has discovered a simple but sure way of determining the precise number of morons in the country through next year’s elections. Thanks to the re-election bid of Sen. Lito Lapid.

Ateneo De Manila University professor Danton Remoto will run for senator as an independent candidate. He is open to alliances though but as to which party, he doesn’t know yet. He’s confused.

Television reporter Alex Tinsay is running for senator under Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s ticket. Tinsay, a veteran reporter on GMA 7 has opted to quit his career in broadcast journalism… after getting tired of pretending he’s got one.

According to Comelec, 75 percent of those who filed for national posts were not serious. To illustrate: say, you have Jamby, Erap, Ely Pamatong, and Mark Jimenez… remove the 75 percent and you’re left with Ely Pamatong.

THIS JUST IN!
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 43 percent of respondents would “surely not vote for” a presidential candidate endorsed by President Arroyo. Asked if he’d still seek GMA’s endorsement, Gilbert Teodoro said, “Sino ‘yon?”

In Local Politics…
Incumbent Batangas governor, Vilma Santos is seeking re-election. Her husband, former senator Ralph Recto is seeking redemption.

Former First Lady Imelda Marcos is making a political comeback. She just filed her certificate of candidacy for representative of Ilocos Norte’s second district. Her campaign slogan? “The shoe must go on.”

President Arroyo’s staunch ally, Mrs. Lilia Pineda will try her luck again in Pampanga’s gubernatorial race against re-electionist priest-on-leave Among Ed Panlilio. Asked about her chances of winning, a very confident Pineda answered, “Katorse/sais! Tumbok ng otsenta/sahod ng beinte.”

Former Presidential Chief of Staff Mike Defensor is running for mayor of Quezon City against outgoing vice mayor Herbert Bautista. Herbert is keeping the location of his headquarters a secret for fear that Defensor will conduct a raid to “rescue” the actor’s supporters.

Jejomar Erwin “Junjun” Binay Jr., son of outgoing Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is running for mayor in 2010 – a move that surprised Makati voters who thought that the Binay family [rulers of the city for 23 years now] would endorse their very loyal vice mayor Nestor Mercado for the post. Asked why he refused to give way to Mercado, Junjun Binay said, “because public service is emblazoned on my DNA, too.”

For the first time in the history of Makati City and perhaps, the country’s local politics, the two frontrunners in the mayoral race are both black.

Still in Makati, Cong. Teddyboy Locsin and former congressman Butz Aquino have severed ties with Mayor Jejomar Binay. The Binay family’s control of Makati is now down to 98 percent.

The People’s Champ, Manny Pacquiao made true his promise (or threat) to file his CoC for representative of the lone district of Sarangani Province. To articulate his vision for the province, Pacman has named an official spokesperson: Michael Buffer. [Altogether now: Leeet’s get ready to rumble!]

And finally, Aiko Melendez, Roderick Paulate, Ara Mina, Alfred Vargas, Arnell Ignacio, Isko Moreno, Daisy Reyes, Lani Mercado, Rico J. Puno, Jestoni Alarcon, Cesar Montano, Richard Gomez, Anjo Yllana, Joey Marquez, Alma Moreno, Gian Sotto, Dan Fernandez, Marjorie Barretto, and Jigo Garcia all filed their CoCs for various posts in next year’s elections. The number of celebrities who came out last Tuesday was so huge, Comelec officials thought Noynoy Aquino was shooting another TV ad.
_________
“An election cannot give a country a firm sense of direction if it has two or more national parties which merely have different names but are as alike in their principles and aims as two peas in the same pod.”
~Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Postcript: Sa gitna ng piyesta at karnabal na nagaganap ngayon sa bansa dahil sa eleksyon, ang tanong ng bayan: meron pa ba tayong bise-presidente? Please lang po. Sakaling may impormasyon kayo hinggil sa taong nasa larawan, ipagbigay-alam lamang sa pinakamalapit na presinto. Marami pong salamat.

Survey Says
Your take on President Arroyo’s decision to seek a Congressional seat in Pampanga:
It’s her right. Hayaan na natin. :15%
Immunity from suit ang habol niya! 67%
Who cares, Care Bears? 18%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

I’ve Got Mail!
From Philippine Star columnist Billy Esposo:
US Ambassador Kristie Kenney: “After several years, our people recovered from 9/11.
I pray that the Filipino people will soon recover from the 4’11.”

Have a great weekend!