CHIZEE!

This is the original draft of Sen. Francis Escudero’s speech delivered at Club Filipino last Wednesday morning. A copy was sent to The Professional Heckler by a reliable source who requested anonymity.

“Maraming salamat po sa lahat ng taong nandito lalung-lalo sa mga kababayan kong Bicolano sa walang pag-aatubiling pagtungo sa gusaling nasa latitude 14° 36′ 14″ Hilaga ng Equator at longitude 121° 2′ 56″ Silangan ng Prime Meridian sa Mapa ng Maynila, na mas kilala rin sa pangalang Club Filipino.

Nais ko pong ipabatid sa inyo na ako ay nagpaalam na at nag-resign na bilang miyembro ng Nationalist People’s Coalition o NPC, ang partidong itinatag ni Ginoong Eduardo ‘Danding’ Cojuangco ang ninong namin sa kasal ng aking asawang si Cristine, at founder ng NPC na aking kinaaniban sa nakalipas na labing-isang taon ng aking pagiging pulitiko sa Mataas na Kapulungan man ng Kongreso na kung tawagin natin ay Senado o sa Mababang Kapulungan ng Kongreso bilang kinatawan ng lalawigan ng Sorsogon na walang kahihiyang nanguna sa tangka ngunit bigong pagpapatalsik sa noo’y Chief Justice na si Hilario Davide katulong ang noo’y kongresista at paboritong pamangkin ni Ginoong Cojuangco na ngayo’y kalihim ng tanggulang pambansa na nag-aambisyon ding maging pangulo ng Pilipinas na si Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro.

Sinuman pong nagpa-planong tumakbo bilang pangulo, dapat wala pong partidong kinabibilangan, NPC, LP NP, Lakas, Kampi, LAMMPP, PDP-Laban, Magdiwang, Magdalo, Bayan Muna, Akbayan, Migrante, Anakpawis, Sanlakas, Lapiang Manggagawa, Alyansa ng mga Sabungero, Ang Ladlad, 1-UTAK, SMILE, SAMASA, ISA, STAND-UP, KAISA, ALYANSA, (FYI: Mga political parties ‘yan sa UP), Sigue-Sigue, OXO, Sputnik, Ativan Gang, o ano pa man.

Ang dapat na partidong kinabibilangan ng sinumang nagpa-planong tumakbo, dapat po Pilipinas. At lahat ng mga ka-partido niya dapat lahat din Pilipino. Bata man o matanda, babae o lalake, mayaman o mahirap, nakapag-aral o hindi, dilaw man o pula ang kulay, binoto ka man o hindi, maka-Dos man o Maka-Siyete, Globe man o Smart o Sun kapag nagtitipid, tuli man o supot, bakla man o lesbiyana, out man o discreet, bisexual man o straight-tripper, top man o bottom, lights off o lights on, dapat ituring mo ng pantay o pareho dahil kung hindi, baka magkaroon ng kaguluhan sa Pilipinas na mas lalong magpapahirap sa milyun-milyon nating kababayan at ‘yun ang hinding-hindi ko kayang tanggapin bilang lingkod-bayan na nagnanais ng bagong pagbabago sa ating bansa na matatagpuan sa Timog Silangang Asya at nasa tinatawag na Pacific Ring of Fire kung saan madalas magkaroon ng lindol na hindi naman kayang ipredict kahit ng Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology na dating pinamumunuan ng namayapang si Raymundo Punongbayan.

Nagbitiw po ako dahil sa tatlong kadahilanan na iisa-isahin ko kung inyong mamarapatin ngunit kung hindi naman ay iisa-isahin ko pa rin dahil sayang naman ang pagkakataong tayo ay nagkakatipun-tipon sa gusaling ito na nasa latitude 14° 36′ 14″ Hilaga ng Equator at longitude 121° 2′ 56″ Silangan ng Prime Meridian sa Mapa ng Maynila. Ang tatlo pong dahilan ng aking pagbibitiw ay ang sumusunod. Una, hindi ako heredero katulad ni Gilbert Teodoro; pangalawa, hindi ako haciendero katulad ni Noynoy Aquino, at pangatlo, lalo pong hindi ako bilyonaryo katulad ni Manny Villar.

Ngunit ito po ang dapat na unawain n’yo: hindi po salapi o pondo ang dahilan ng pagbibitiw ko sa partido at lalong hindi dahil sa napabalitang alitan namin ni Ginoong Eduardo Cojuangco bagamat gusto kong bigyang diin na hindi ako heredero katulad ni Gilbert Teodoro; hindi ako haciendero katulad ni Noynoy Aquino, at lalo pong hindi ako bilyonaryo katulad ni Manny Villar na malayang makakagastos sa halalang matagal ko na ring pinapagplanuhan subalit hindi ko pa lubusang napagpapasyahan kaya’t ito po ang gusto kong iparating sa lahat: hindi po kakulangan sa pera ang dahilan ng aking pag-atras datapwat kung mabibigyan ako ng pagkakataon ay gusto ko ring maranasan ang maging heredero katulad ni Gilbert Teodoro; maging haciendero katulad ni Noynoy Aquino, at lalo na po ang maging bilyonaryo katulad ni Manny Villar.

Hayaan po ninyong pag-isipan ko ang aking mga susunod na hakbang dahil kailangang kunsultahin ko, hindi lamang ang aking pamilya o kaibigan, kundi maging kayong lahat na kapartido ko na ngayon lalo pa’t ako’y malaya nang makapagpapasya kung ano ang nararapat at makakabuti sa lahat ng tao sa Pilipinas na ninanais ko ring umunlad ang buhay at umangat ang estado sa lipunan katulad ni Gilbert Teodoro na isang heredero; ni Noynoy Aquino na isang haciendero at, lalo na po ni Manny Villar na isang bilyonaryo.

Sa huli, isa lamang po ang hinihiling ko sa lahat: huwag ninyong paniwalaan ang walang basehang alegasyon na salat ako sa pondo kaya ako nagpasyang iwan ang partidong hindi maiwan-iwan ngayon ni Loren Legarda dahil sa pangambang baka ang aking pagbibitiw ay maging mitsa ng katapusan ng kanyang karera sa pulitika. Mali po ‘yon. Hindi po salapi o kontribusyon mula sa mayayamang negosyante ang nagbunsod sa aking pagbibitiw sa NPC bagamat aaminin kong hindi po ako heredero, hindi po ako haciendero at lalo pong hindi ako bilyonaryo.

Maraming salamat po sa inyong lahat at mabuhay ang sambayanang Pilipino lalo na ang maliliit na taong tapat na naglilingkod sa mga heredero, haciendero at bilyonaryo.”

[Please turn to page 2 for continuation of speech...]

_________
“A good retreat is better than a bad stand.”
~Irish Saying

MR. & MRS. PADYAK

LET ME BEGIN THIS post by saying that I am genuinely happy for ex-future president Mar Roxas and his ex-girlfriend, the ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez, who is now a certified madrasta.

Congratulations, best wishes, and most importantly, good luck!

Unknown to many, I was one of the hundreds of uninvited folks who endured the smoldering heat outside Sto. Domingo Church in Quezon City to witness the event dubbed by local media as the “People’s Wedding” and “Kasalan ng Taon.” Dozens of politicians attended the ceremony, probably the reason why it was hotter inside the church.

The truth is: Conrado De Quiros and I were sent wedding invitations by Senator Roxas. However, Korina insisted that we apologize first before security personnel could allow us inside. In short, “No Sorry, No Entry.” De Quiros replied, “I’d rather wait for Noynoy’s wedding.” But the PDI columnist admits he doesn’t have any idea if it will ever happen since “Sa lahat ng pulitikong may girlfriend, si Noynoy lamang ang hindi atat na atat mag-asawa.”

As for me, I opted to be a spectator outside. Thanks to the giant video wall that was installed in front of the church for ordinary people to see the wedding. If it’s any consolation, I was beside the GMA 7 news team. You just have to admire those guys. They were so prepared for the special coverage! In fact, they brought their 3G phones in case the video wall suffered technical glitches!

The ceremony was pushed back to 4 o’clock because the bride wasn’t around yet at the originally-scheduled 3PM rites. It turned out that from the Intercon Hotel in Makati, Korina first went to Heritage Memorial Park in Taguig City to pay respects to her departed parents – in her bridal gown! She plans to do the same this coming All Saints Day.

Trivia: Ano o sino ang nakikita n’yo sa larawan?
A: Parada ng santong sikreto pa ang identity
B: Prusisyon ng mahiyaing birhen!
C: Si Korina ‘yan. May GMA 7 crew kasi sa labas kaya pilit itinago!
D: Duh! Basta ang alam ko kamukha ni JV Ejercito ‘yung lalaking naka-blue

Deviating from the norm, Korina Sanchez did not wear a veil to cover her face. It was a personal and tactical request, as she wanted to make sure that neither Sen. Francis Pangilinan nor reporter RG Cruz could go near her.

As the Inquirer reported, politics took a backseat at the celebrity-studded event. Everyone was there: from the stalwarts of the Liberal Party to members of Erap’s company and even allies of the ruling Lakas-CMD-Kampi. The only VIP missing was Loren Legarda who reportedly got sick because of climate change.

The almost nonagenarian, former Senate President Jovito Salonga, a principal sponsor was present. Loren Legarda would have enjoyed talking to him.

Among the guests, presidential aspirant Noynoy Aquino was greeted with the loudest applause. The only other time he received such applause from the public was when he told his sister Kris Aquino to “shut up.”

Congressman Teofisto “TG” Guingona III almost didn’t make it to the occasion. Good thing he resigned from the Nacionalista Party on time.

During the offertory, former Chief Justice Artemio Panganiban, a principal sponsor offered chalice and wine. Another principal sponsor, Rosa Rosal offered blood.

Reports say Sen. Mar Roxas wrote his own wedding vow… which was a good thing. Imagine if people behind his TV ads were tasked to write it! Baka nag-back out ‘yung bride!

But an awkward moment happened during the exchanged of vows. After Korina stated that Mar was the fulfillment of everything she ever wanted in a husband; Roxas slipped, and said that Sanchez was the fulfillment of everything he ever wanted in a political endorser.

Yet another awkward thing happened at the reception. When relatives of the groom conducted a survey and asked guests if they wanted the couple to have a baby before the elections, 30 percent chose YES while 10 percent chose NO. The remaining 60 percent chose Noynoy Aquino!

A minor commotion ensued during the traditional tossing of the bridal bouquet. When Korina Sanchez tossed it, the bouquet landed on Vicki Belo’s face, and P100,000 worth of Botox squirted out.

According to the Philippine Star, at the end of the matrimonial ceremony, “Mar and Korina kissed for 11 seconds.” But the Philippine Daily Inquirer said, “the couple kissed for three minutes according to a reliable source who requested anonymity.” The Manila Bulletin merely described it as “a beautiful kiss” while Abante Tonite’s banner headline said, “Nasarapan sa halikan!”

Postscript: In case you missed snippets of the wedding on TV, just follow Inquirer columnist and Liberal Party supporter Manolo Quezon on Twitter. He tweeted a detailed account of the event: blow-by-blow. Good job!
___________
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

IN OTHER NEWS
SENATOR FRANCIS JOSEPH ESCUDERO has announced his resignation from his party, the Nationalist People’s Coalition shocking not only his party mates but the members of the press as well who expected him to declare his presidential bid in a hastily-organized press conference at Club Filipino Wednesday morning. Before dozens of his cheering supporters, the 40-year-old father of twins delivered a speech in Filipino, the original draft of which reached the Professional Heckler. Will be posting it on Friday.

Matapos mag-resign si Chiz sa partido, sinong kandidato ang susuportahan ng NPC? Tatakbo pa ba si Chiz sa pagka-pangulo? Ikunsidera niya kaya ang pagka-bise presidente? Ano ang mangyayari sa plano ni Loren Legarda? Sino ang magiging presidential running mate niya? At ang pinakamahalagang tanong na kamakalawa pa gustong malaman ng publiko: Bakit walang belo si Korina Sanchez sa kanyang kasal?

Survey Says
Should Noynoy Aquino marry Shalani Soledad in case he wins the presidency?
OO, Para may First Lady: 19%
NO. Ayusin muna niya ang bansa. 27%
I don’t give a damn. 54%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak Magazine advises presidential aspirant Manny Villar: You don’t stand judges up

Francis Escudero’s political adviser Lito Banayo insists the senator is seeking the presidency

Loren Legarda’s statement on Chiz Escudero’s resignation from NPC

Morbid but true: Memorial pages on Facebook

THE NOYNOY SHOW

As I have said before, there are only two genuine opposition groups in the country today: the Communists, and ABS-CBN.

Let’s face it.

ABS-CBN is perceived to be pro-Noynoy Aquino, and the public expects it to go all out for Noynoy and Mar in 2010 [despite Beaver Lopez’s dad-in-law’s shameless (as the Inquirer put it) bid to reclaim Malacañang.]

If rumors are to be believed, network bosses plan to reformat ABS-CBN’s UHF channel: Studio 23 so it could implement a new program schedule in support of the candidacy of Tita Cory’s unico hijo.

Here’s a peek at the proposed programming:

Studio 23’s Primetime TV Guide

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays
7:00 – eX, eX, eX (ni Korina, ni Bernadette, at ni Barbara)

8:00 – Zaijan Jaranilla as the young Noynoy in “May Bu…hok Pa”

9:00 – “My Sister Kris: Girl Behaving Badly”

10:00 – “Extreme Makeover: Noynoy Aquino Edition”

11:00 – “I’m A (Reluctant) Celebrity (Candidate), Get Me Out of Here!”

Tuesdays and Thursdays
7:30 – “TV Patrol Tarlac”

8:30 – “SNN: Showbiz Na si Noynoy!”

9:30 – “Kris Says the Darndest Things”

10:30 – “Beauty & the Geek: The Love Story of Shalani and Noynoy”

11:30 – “Sex and the Sissy”

Saturdays and Sundays
7:00 – “Hagupit ni Noynoy: Special Coverage of the Forthcoming Presidential Surveys”

8:00 – “Katorse” (Ang Bilang ng Patay sa Madugong Dispersal sa Hacienda Luisita noong 2004): Noynoy’s Take

9:30 – “So You Think You Can Run”

10:00 – “PBB: Pinky’s Bachelor Brother”

11:00 – “Two and a Half Men” (The Joshua and Baby James Show)

Note: Program schedule is subject to change without prior notice to the Liberal Party and the civil society.

For comments and suggestions please visit,
http://www.studio23lovesnoynoyandfamily.com or type NOYNOY (space) Your Comment (space) Your Spiritual Adviser’s Comment (space) Your Best Friend’s Comment (space) Your Sisters’ Comment (space) Your Girlfriend’s Comment (space) Your Favorite Nephew’s Comment (space) God’s Comment (space) Your name (space) Your Signature (space) and send it to 2366 after your three-day retreat.

__________
“Good advertising does not just circulate information. It penetrates the public mind with desires and belief.”
~Leo Burnett

PARTNERS

Loren Declares Bid
Sen. Loren Legarda who has officially declared her bid for the vice presidency is reportedly looking for a presidential running mate. In particular, Legarda wants a partner who is “Beyond 70,” “Married,” and “Adventurous.”

Loren Declares Bid II
Did you catch Sen. Loren Legarda’s speech last Friday detailing her “green’ platform of government? After listening to her speech, I was convinced that the lady senator’s the best candidate and the most qualified to become this country’s next… environment secretary!

Villar on Wowowee, Again
Presidential aspirant Manny Villar was on the game show Wowowee again last Saturday, and gave away houses and lots to six overseas Filipino workers. If in the next survey he’d still trail Noynoy Aquino by more than 20 percentage points, Villar vows to give away an entire subdivision.

Puno Quits VP Race
DILG Secretary Ronaldo Puno, who has withdrawn his bid for the ruling party’s vice presidential nomination in 2010 says he’s “fed up with politics” to which politics reportedly retorted, “the feeling is mutual.”

Mar & Korina’s Wedding
Sen. Mar Roxas told Senate reporters that he’s “very excited” about his forthcoming wedding with Korina Sanchez. The lady broadcaster is “equally thrilled” but admits she’s been fervently praying that on their wedding day, Roxas won’t give way to Noynoy.

Top 7 Things Korina Sanchez Wouldn’t Want to Hear on Her Wedding Day

No. 7: “And now for the latest update. Tropical storm Santi is now a super typhoon and is expected to make landfall in Southern Luzon and Metro Manila on Tuesday afternoon…”

No. 6: “Akala mo bading, ‘yun pala hindi! Akala mo for show, ‘yun pala for real!”

No. 5: “For the First and Second Reading, may we call on Ms. Mel Tiangco and Mr. RG Cruz.”

No. 4: “In fairness huh, ang ganda ng mukha, hikaw, at kwintas. Parang totoo!“

No. 3: “Huwaaat??? Inatake sa puso ‘yung pari??!!”

No. 2: “This senator will self-destruct in five seconds. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1!” (Wedding March then starts playing)

And the No. 1 thing Korina Sanchez wouldn’t want to hear on her wedding day…

“Mabuhay si Noynoy! [Mabuhay!]

_________
“The woman cries before the wedding; the man afterward.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says
Who should be our next vice president?
Jejomar BINAY; 8%
Loren LEGARDA: 4%
Ronaldo PUNO: 1%
Mar ROXAS: 42%
None of the above: 44%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

TAKE TWO, AGAIN

Erap Declares Bid
Deposed president and pardoned plunderer Joseph Estrada is running for president, again! If you haven’t had enough of “Ondoy’ and “Pepeng,” then, vote for him.

Erap Declares Bid II
In declaring his bid for the presidency, Joseph Estrada said, “… tinatanggap ko ang hamon at hiling ng ating mga kababayan upang ibalik ang dangal ng mga api, ng mga masang Pilipino, upang ibalik ang pag-asa sa mga mahihirap, upang ibalik ang tinig ng masang Pilipino.” Eh tarantado ka pala eh. Matapos mong ibigay ‘yung dangal, pag-asa, at tinig sa mga kabit mo, sa mga crony mo, at sa mga Arroyo, ngayon gusto mong ibalik? Eh ‘di ibalik mo. Gago!

Erap Declares Bid III
Joseph Estrada has declared his bid for the presidency saying, “This will be the last performance of my life,” to which Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said, “Sus! Sinabi ko na rin ‘yan eh!”

Erap Declares Bid IV
Amid questions on his eligibility to run, deposed president Joseph Estrada has officially declared his bid for the presidency in 2010. Where in the world was Panfilo Lacson when we needed him most?

Erap Declares Bid V
Joseph Estrada has decided to run for president next year. In fact, he has already chosen his running mate. He has also picked his senatorial bets. He is so damn ready for 2010 he has decided on almost everything, except for the next First Lady.

Erap Declares Bid VI
Did you see Joey “Delicadeza” De Venecia on TV while his hands were being raised as one of Erap’s senatorial bets? I did! Now, I need a new TV set because the moment I saw that guy’s face, I smashed the TV screen.

Top 5 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Voting for Convicted Plunderer Joseph Estrada to Malacañang

No. 5: Are we prepared for an exchange rate of P65 pesos to $1?

No. 4: When will we ever learn?

No. 3: After Rudy “Weather-weather lang” Meyer, who’s next?

No. 2: We have endured and allowed “nine” years of Mikey in Malacañang. Are we letting Jinggoy have his “eight?” [He had two already.]

And the No. 1 question you should ask yourself before voting for Joseph Estrada…

Ano ako, tanga?

In light of FAMAS Hall of Famer Erap’s renewed quest for the presidency, I am reprinting a chain email that first surfaced during FPJ’s unsuccessful bid for president in 2004. This is a list of prospective envoys/ambassadors of RP to the rest of the world had the King won. I have added some names to the list. Who knows, these people might just get their appointment papers once Erap reclaims Malacañang! Kung si Rudy Meyer nga na-appoint eh! Nothing is impossible.

African Union: Susan Africa
Amman: Jordan Herrera
Beijing: Kim Chiu
Brunei: Cristina Gonzales
Chile: Randy Santiago
Colombia: The Alabang Boys or Tim Yap
Germany: Baron Geisler
India: Shivaker
Jamaica: Jaya
Japan: Akihiro Sato
Mongolia: Mr. Shooli
Medjugorje (Bosnia & Herzegovina): Marian Rivera
Romania: David Bunevacz
Russia: Nanette Medved
Spain: Gerald Madrid
Switzerland: Geneva Cruz
Tel-Aviv: Dick Israel
Malaysia/Indonesia/Korea/Thailand/Singapore: Asia Agcaoili
Turkey: Ruffa Gutierrez-Bektas
United Kingdom: Victoria London
Vienna: Amy Austria
United States: Gerald Anderson
Special Envoy to the Skies: Rey Langit
Special Envoy to the Fields: Pilar Pilapil
Special Envoy to the Seas: Tiya Pusit

In Other News…
Quoting an anonymous source, the Philippine Star reported that Nationalist People’s Coalition founder businessman Eduardo ‘Danding’ Cojuangco would likely support Sen. Noynoy Aquino instead of Sen. Francis Escudero. An aide of Escudero says he will face the press as soon as he has finished drafting his official statement. He’s almost finished; he’s already on the 18th page.

PBA Update
Alain Katigbak, the Atenean heckler who was attacked by Wynne Arboleda after hurling invectives and hurtful words at the Burger King guard wants the PBA to ban the player for life. In a letter to the league, Katigbak said, “That fVK7#^$k!ng^#9 must b%E&*()^$!annihilated!@$#^! I am from Ateneo and he’s just a good for not^H%i$n3g(* son of a b%I&t^c$h*&#$#8^$#. I will use my con%n$ection#s to mAk*3%7^#$)* that son of a%But$^c(h! pay!. Pu*ang-I%na n’\/a! Atenista ako! Atenista ako! You f&ck&ng goD&%6da&mn s%n(^of*abt&c%h! Nagkamali ka ng kinaL%aba%n haY^up k#ang dem*0n&y!o ka! Ban him you f&u*k*I*ing id%Iot$! Yours truly, Alain Katigbak, P.S. Kizz mY a$$!

_________
“Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Estrada (Inauguration Day, 1998)
[Don't worry Erap. We will remember that when we go to our polling precincts in 2010.]

Survey Says…
What is Noynoy Aquino’s best asset as a presidential contender?
Being the son of Cory and Ninoy: 37%
His untarnished image and reputation: 36%
Kris Aquino: 27%
His track record as a lawmaker: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

DAYTIME DRAMA

I EXPECTED a stormy Monday because of Typhoon Ramil but much to my surprise, it was so hot outside. In fact, I have noticed that it’s been so hot these days; too hot that even robbers chose to spend their Sunday in Greenbelt mall.

Greenbelt Robbery
At least 11 robbers carrying high-caliber firearms barged into a Rolex store in Greenbelt 5 Sunday morning taking with them a bag-full of Tudor watches. Less than a year before the elections, investigators described the Rolex store robbery as “timely.”

Greenbelt Robbery II
For neutralizing at least one suspect during the Greenbelt 5 heist, two cops (security aides of Taguig Mayor Freddie Tinga) were promoted one rank higher. Had they killed the robber while the guy was in handcuffs, either of them could become the future PNP chief, or senator even.

Greenbelt Robbery III
Following the Rolex store heist in Greenbelt 5 on Sunday, police vowed to beef up security in other malls to prevent brazen daylight thievery. If they were that serious in fighting thieves, when will they secure Batasang Pambansa?

Greenbelt Robbery IV
ABS-CBN correspondents Ces Drilon and Ricky Carandang were in Greenbelt 5 when the robbery took place Sunday morning. Authorities thanked Ces and Ricky for being cooperative in the investigation. The two journalists reportedly answered every question asked by the police… except for one: “Kayo na ba talaga?”

Top 5 Reactions of Political Figures to the Greenbelt Mall Heist

No. 5: Sen. Noynoy Aquino: “Sana po’y maintindihan n’yo na wala muna akong mailalabas na statement tungkol diyan. Bigyan muna po ninyo ako ng tatlong araw upang kunsultahin ang Pink Sisters at nang maipagdasal ko na rin ang mga naligaw ng landas nating kababayan!”

No. 4: Sen. Manuel Villar: “Akala mo pulis, ‘yun pala hindi. Akala mo shoppers, ‘yun pala robbers.”

No. 3: Joseph Estrada: “Ano ‘yung heist?”

No. 2: Mayor Jejomar Binay: “Ganito kami sa Makati. ‘Pakialam n’yo!?!

And the No. 1 reaction of a political figure to the Greenbelt Mall heist…

Sen. Chiz Escudero: “Ako po’y naniniwala na hindi sapat na dahilan ang kawalan o kakulangan ng pagkakakitaan upang gumawa ng kasamaan ang isang tao o grupo ng mga tao sa isang lipunang nabibigyan naman ng kalayaan at karapatan ang bawat isa na mamuhay nang naaayon sa itinatadhana ng batas at sa mga panuntunan ng moralidad na sinusunod at pinapaniwalaan ng higit na nakakaraming tao – mga palatandaan na naghahari at buhay ang ating demokrasya. Saan nga pala dun ‘yung Greenbelt 5?”

In Other News
The country’s third oldest political party, Lapiang Manggagawa has reportedly endorsed the presidential bid of Public Works and Highways Sec. Hermogenes Ebdane. Ebdane is flattered by the endorsement and plans to thank the members of the party… as soon as he successfully finds one.

PBA’s Harshest Penalty Ever
The Philippine Basketball Association suspended guard Wynne Arboleda of Burger King without pay for the rest of the 2009-10 Season for kicking and punching a fan who heckled him at courtside during the Whoppers’ game against the Smart-Gilas Team at the Araneta Coliseum last October 16. While the suspension is in effect, Arboleda hopes to try out for the Philippine kickboxing team.

PBA’s Harshest Penalty Ever II
For punching and kicking an Atenean heckler identified as Alain Katigbak who hurled bad words at him, Burger King’s Wynne Arboleda was suspended until July 2010 by the PBA. The trash-talking Katigbak on the other hand, was offered a job by the campaign team of Sen. Mar Roxas II.
________
“It’s the rich you can terrorize. The poor have nothing to lose.”
~Imelda Marcos

Survey Says
Of these presidential hopefuls, who do you think is the “hottest?”
NOYNOY Aquino: 64%
CHIZ Escudero: 14%
JOSEPH Estrada: 1%
GILBERT Teodoro: 8%
MANNY Villar: 13%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

SURVEYS

SWS Survey
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that a whopping 60 percent of Filipinos wanted Sen. Noynoy Aquino to succeed President Arroyo in 2010. Again, that’s 60 percent! In a related story, a global study has revealed that Filipinos are the most sympathetic people in the world.

SWS Survey II
According to the latest SWS survey, 60 percent of Filipinos wanted Sen. Noynoy Aquino to replace President Arroyo in Malacañang next year. An even higher 80 percent wanted Joshua Aquino to replace Mikey Arroyo in Malacañang next year.

SWS Survey III
Liberal Party’s Noynoy Aquino got an uber-impressive 60 percent rating in the latest SWS survey. Noynoy is so popular, he actually placed second to Obama in the Nobel Peace Prize balloting.

SWS Survey IV
Sen. Noynoy Aquino obtained a ginormous 60 percent rating in the latest SWS survey. Again, that’s a whopping 60 percent! To give you an idea how much 60 percent is, think of the Op-Ed section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer. Of that section’s five regular weekday columnists, only Belinda Olivares-Cunanan and Neal Cruz won’t vote for Noynoy. That’s what 60 percent is!

SWS Survey V
Asked by the SWS to name leaders who should replace President Arroyo in 2010, 5 percent of the respondents picked Sen. Loren Legarda while 4 percent chose Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro. Six percent actually answered, “I don’t know.” To at least outrank Legarda, Teodoro is now locating that “6 percent” so he could introduce himself.

Top 3 Questions Asked In the Latest SWS Survey Topped By Sen. Noynoy Aquino

No. 1: Anak siya ng isang dating pangulo at ng isang bayani. Sino ang iboboto mo sa pagkapangulo sa 2010?
A: Manny Villar
B. Joseph Estrada
C. Gilbert Teodoro
D: Wala sa A, B, and C. Malamang nasa E.
E. Oo nga. Nandito nga! Noynoy Aquino! Now na!

No. 2: Ayaw ng Pilipino sa mandarambong. Ayaw ng Pilipino sa nandodoble ng budget sa road project. Ayaw ng Pilipino sa bata ni Gloria. At ayaw ng Pilipino sa batang trapo. Sino ang nag-iisang kapatid na lalaki ng TV host na si Kris Aquino?
A: Boy Abunda
B: Bambi Fuentes
C: Tsokoleit
D. Jobert Sucaldito
E. Noynoy Aquino

No. 3: Gusto mo bang maging First Lady ang nasa larawan? Kung oo, sino ang dapat mong iboto sa 2010?

A: Feeling ko si Congresswoman Cynthia Aquilar-Villar ang nasa larawan. Siyempre, si Mr. Sipag at Tiyaga ang choice ko.
B: Ito ang larawan ni former Sen. Loi Estrada bago ang botched cosmetic procedure. Kaya ang iboboto ko ay si Erap.
C: Kilala ko siya! ‘Yan ang former Nikki Prieto na ngayon ay kongresista at maybahay ng iboboto kong pangulo sa 2010, si Secretary Gibo Teodoro.
D: Hoy, A, B, at C: ang dami n’yong daldal! Ang tatanga naman ng sagot n’yo! Si Cristine Flores ‘yan na wife ng ating magiging presidente sa 2010… si Chiz Escudero!
E. Siya si Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad – ang babaeng makakakuha ng pwestong dating inasam at pinangarap ng isang lady broadcaster. Noynoy Aquino for president!

IN OTHER NEWS…
GMA is Hot!
A foreign blog listed the 172 “hottest heads of state” and our very own president, Madam Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo placed 9th. President Arroyo is so hot… her 20-year-old breast implants melted!

GMA is Hot! II
According to a foreign blog, President Arroyo is the 9th hottest among 172 heads of state! The president is so hot, militants are blaming her for climate change.

GMA is Hot! III
Of the 172 “hottest heads of state” listed in a foreign blog, President Arroyo impressively ranked 9th! The president is so hot, even the First Gentleman refuses to touch her.

GMA is Hot! IV
According to a blog, President Arroyo is the 9th “hottest head of state.” The president is so hot… when she visited hell recently, she thought it was winter season there.

GMA is Hot! V
A foreign blog listed the 172 “hottest heads of state” and our very own president, Madam Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was in 9th place. But the ranking is expected to change… as soon as Noynoy Aquino officially declares his bid for the title.

Mar & Korina’s Wedding
It’s a go for the wedding of Sen. Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez on October 27. As I have mentioned before, since Mar has given way to Noynoy, the wedding coordinator will no longer set up a ‘presidential’ table. The lavish event has also been scaled down in deference to the nation’s recent catastrophic typhoons. The only unchanged plan is the traditional “something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.” In fact, the bride didn’t even have to exert effort to complete all four. Everything’s in her face.

Rare Find
Biologists have found the world’s first known vegetarian spider in Central America. Amazing! But that’s nothing compared to the world’s first “bitch” that made the list of the 10 “hottest heads of state.”

Newspaper Survey
According to the latest Nielsen Media Index study for the first half of 2009, the Philippine Daily Inquirer was the choice of 48 percent of Filipinos in National Urban Philippines. But the study is being questioned by the Philippine Star because the remaining 52 percent chose Noynoy Aquino.
________
“Popularity is the easiest thing in the world to gain and it is the hardest thing to hold.”
~Will Rogers

Survey Says…
I am just curious, and please don’t lie: how young are you?
12 – 18 years old: 4%
19 – 30 years old: 47%
31 – 45 years old: 31%
45 – Above: 19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

TAKE TWO

IT’S CONFIRMED. Deposed president Joseph Estrada is running for president in 2010 with Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay as running mate.

The confirmation came from Erap’s son himself, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada, and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile. Asked who could be Estrada’s closest rival, Enrile said, “everybody is a close rival of Erap.”

Nonetheless, Estrada is confident of overtaking Noynoy in the next survey. Why? Unverified reports reveal he is spending millions of pesos to commission the next presidential survey. Not only that! He drafted the questions himself! However, unknown to Erap, the research firms made some last-minute revisions in the final questionnaire. Yet again, the Professional Heckler obtained a copy.

So, here it is. Indulge!

For the Exclusive Use of Sssh W. Ssssh and Fools Asia
Target Sample: 1,238
Coverage:
1: San Juan City
2: Baseco Compound (Tondo)
3: Erap City (Resettlement Site in Rodriguez, Rizal)
4: Makati City (South Cembo, Comembo, East Rembo, West Rembo, Pembo, Brgy. Singkamas, Brgy. Rizal, Brgy. Bangkal & Brgy. Pitogo)

Magandang araw po. Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay nagsanib puwersa ang Sssh W. Ssssh at Fools Asia upang isagawa ang pag-aaral na ito kaugnay ng susunod na halalan. Gaano n’yo nga ba kakilala sina Joseph Estrada at Jejomar Binay? Gaano kalaki ang inyong paniniwala sa kanilang kakayahan? Susuportahan n’yo ba ang kanilang kandidatura?

In the service of the Filipino people, tinitiyak po naming walang kinikilingan, walang pinuprotektahan at walang kasinungalingan ang survey na ito.

Personal na Impormasyon
Pangalan: ____________________________ Edad: ______________________

Email Address: _______________ Cellphone No.: ______________

Paboritong ‘Erap Movie:’ ______________________________________

Bakit ka lumahok sa survey na ito?
[ ] Idol ko si Erap
[ ] Idol ko si Binay
[ ] Para sa bayan
[ ] Sayang ang P250

Panuto: Ikulong sa kulungan ang titik na kumakatawan sa inyong napiling sagot. Ito ang halimbawa ng tamang pagmamarka ng sagot.

Tandaan: Nakasalalay sa iyong mga sagot kung may matatanggap kang regalo o wala. Kaya’t maging matalino at praktikal sa pagpili ng letra.

Ikaw ay may labinlimang minuto para sagutan ang mga tanong. Simulan.

1: Si dating pangulong Joseph Estrada ay napatunayang guilty sa kasong plunder. Maging si Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay ay nakasuhan na rin ng plunder. Ngayon, mag-partner na sila. Ano ang masasabi mo sa isyung ito?
A: Pulitika ‘yan! Pinupulitika lamang sila!
B: Maawa naman kayo! Bakit n’yo ba sila inaapi?
C: Pinatutunayan lamang nito na mali ang kasabihang, “Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.”

2: Kumpletuhin ang bahaging ito ng inaugural speech ni dating pangulong Joseph Estrada noong 1998: “Walang kai-kaibigan. Walang kumpa-kumpare. Walang kama-kamag-anak… Huwag n’yo ‘kong __________!”
A: Subukan
B: Tawanan
C: Patalsikin

3: Mula 1986 ay nasa pamamahala na ni Mayor Jejomar Binay (1986-1998; 2001-2010) at ng maybahay nitong si Dr. Elenita Binay (1998-2001) ang lungsod ng Makati. Kabuuang dalawampu’t tatlong taon na sila sa puwesto. Ano ang masasabi mo rito?
A: 23 years?!? You mean, two decades and three years?!? Tama ba ang narinig ko? Or am I just dreaming? Sampalin mo ‘ko! Sampalin mo ‘ko!
B: Tama na! Sobra na! Palitan na!
C: Bakit?!? Naiinggit kayo? Ganito kami sa Makati. Sana walang pakialaman!

4: May mga nagsasabing hindi raw pinapayagan ng Saligang Batas na muling tumakbo pa sa pagka-pangulo si dating Pangulong Estrada. Ano ang masasabi mo rito?
A: Pwes… magkita-kita na lang tayo sa Edsa 4!
B: ‘Wag na kasing makulit. Sinabi nang ‘di pwede eh.
C: Ano ‘yung Saligang Bigas? Relief goods ba ‘yun?

5: Ano ang nasa larawan?

A: Isa sa dalawang opisyal na simbolo ng Makati City na ang ibig sabihin ay “Paglingkuran ang Bayan”
B: Ultrasound ‘yan noong fetus pa lamang si Mayor Binay
C: ‘Wag n’yo kaming gawing tanga! “B” stands for Binay! Alangan namang ‘Belmonte’ ‘yan eh taga-QC ‘yung matandang ‘yun!?!

6: Kumpletuhin ang 1998 campaign slogan ni dating pangulong Joseph Estrada: “Erap para sa ___________.”
A: Gambling lord at corrupt
B: Kabit na masarap
C: Mahirap

7: Sino ang nasa larawan?

A. Ang magiting na bise-alkalde ng Makati City, si Kgg. Nestor Mercado
B: Masyadong madilim eh. Hindi ko makilala.
C: Siya lang naman ang patatakbuhin ni Mayor Binay next year para alkalde, ‘tapos after one term, si Councilor Jejomar Erwin Binay naman. Tuloy ang ligaya!

8: Sa kaibuturan ng iyong puso, sa palagay mo ba ay mananalong muli bilang pangulo si Joseph Estrada?
A: Sure na!
B: Kung hindi babawasan ni Kris Aquino ang kadaldalan, kaartehan, at kataklesahan niya mula ngayon hanggang eleksyon, may tsansa si Erap
C: “God Save the Philippines from Joseph Ejercito Estrada!”

9: Sa iyong palagay, mananalo ba bilang pangalawang pangulo si Jejomar Binay?
A: Sigurado ako, landslide ‘yan! Sa Makati!
B: Sana.
C: Ayoko nga! Eh kung 23 years siyang maging vice president? No way, highway!

10: Ipikit mo ang iyong mga mata. Isipin mo ang ating mga kababayang naghihirap. Imadyinin mo ang mga Pilipinong walang makain dahil sinalanta sila ng bagyo. Pagkatapos, tingnan mo ang hinaharap. Imadyinin mo ang kinabukasan. Ngayon, sagutin mo ang tanong na ito: Kung hindi sina Erap at Binay, sino?
A: Oo nga. Wala nang iba!
B: Hmm, sina Kris Aquino at Boy Abunda? Now na!
C: Wait lang. Imumulat ko na ba ang mga mata ko bago ko ibigay ang sagot? Nakapikit pa kasi ako eh.

Bonus Question
Isa siya sa mga babaeng “malapit” kay Erap. Sino ang nasa larawan?

A: Guia Gomez, future mayor of San Juan
B. Joy Melendrez, basta, siya ‘yun!
C: Laarni Enriquez, favorite mistress

That’s all Polk! Hanggang dito na lamang. Wala nang kasunod.

Hintayin ang aming tawag kung kailan puwedeng i-claim ang apat na kilong bigas, tatlong latang sardinas, dalawang Good Morning towels, at isang “Erap-Binay for 2010” t-shirt. Magdala ng dalawang valid IDs at isang 1×1 picture, (whole body) kapag nag-claim.

Maraming salamat at mabuhay ang Pilipinas!
_______________________________
“You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”
~Anonymous

Elsewhere…
President Arroyo is hot? Check this out. Funny.

Manila Standard’s Antonio Abaya on the Nobel Peace Prize

Philippine Star’s William Esposo on the recent ANC Face to Face Forum featuring Senators Manny Villar, Noynoy Aquino and Chiz Escudero, and Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro

Makati City Trivia:
THE names of Barangay Cembo, Comembo, East Rembo, Pembo, South Cembo and West Rembo in Makati are acronyms. These stand for Central Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Cembo), Combat Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Comembo), Riverside Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Rembo) and Panthers’ Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Pembo). The barrios were established in the late 1940s and 1950s when soldiers from different parts of the Philippines arrived at Fort McKinley (now Fort Bonifacio) and were directed to occupy nearby areas. [PDI/6.02.09]

GOOD DAY, BAD DAY

Neri’s Home Attacked
In case you haven’t heard yet, last Friday, armed men wearing military camouflage uniforms strafed the Quezon City home of Social Security System president Romulo Neri while he was inside the bathroom. When he heard the shots, a terrified Neri immediately phoned President Arroyo and informed her of the attempt on his life, to which the president said, “Ignore the threats, but continue with your shower.”

Neri’s Home Attacked II
Unidentified gunmen fired at the house of SSS president Romulo Neri in Quezon City Friday morning. But investigators are having a hard time solving the crime because Neri refused to reveal more details about the incident citing executive privilege.

Chiz Turns 40
Last Saturday, October 10, Sen. Francis Joseph “Chiz” Escudero turned 40. The presidential aspirant has reached the “awkward age” – too old for Vicki Belo but too young for Loren Legarda.

Chiz’ Suggestion
Sen. Francis Escudero proposed that “instead of extending the semester, the education department automatically give a passing grade this semester for all elementary and high school students in affected areas of recent typhoons.” But radical leftists opposed Escudero’s proposal and said that the final grades must be based on the extent of typhoon damage to each student.

Senate’s Anniversary
The Philippine Senate marked its 93rd anniversary on Monday, October 12, 2009. During the flag ceremony, senators took turns narrating the Senate’s history – from its early years as a legislative body to its present status as an entertainment zone.

Senate’s Anniversary II
The Philippine Senate is now 93 years old. If it were human, Sen. Loren Legarda would have fallen for it.

Rebel Evacuees
Reports say some Communist rebels whose lairs were adversely affected by recent typhoons have sought shelter in evacuation centers in Isabela and Cagayan to avail themselves of relief goods. Social workers say it’s easy to identify Communists from ordinary folks because whenever NPA rebels talk about the recent typhoons, they refer to them as ‘Ka Pepeng’ and ‘Ka Ondoy.’

Rebel Evacuees II
Due to the lack of food in the mountains, some NPA rebels are now staying in evacuation centers in Cagayan and Isabela to avail themselves of the relief goods. Responding to the needs of the rebels, ABS-CBN is reportedly launching ‘Sagip Komunista.’

Irish Priest Kidnapped
Father Michael Sinnott, an Irish priest has been kidnapped “from outside his home in Pagadian City, Province of Zamboanga del Sur” last Sunday. One of the abductors has sent a message to the military saying he’s not afraid to get caught, tried, convicted, and jailed by the Arroyo administration… mainly because he has Spanish blood.

Campaign Headquarters
Last Sunday, October 11, Sen. Noynoy Aquino of the Liberal Party inaugurated his campaign headquarters along EDSA in Quezon City. To keep up with the competition, Sen. Manuel Villar will inaugurate on Friday his campaign headquarters along C5 Road.

Nobel Peace Prize
US President Barack Obama was recently awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize shocking a number of people around the world who thought it was too early to give him the recognition. In a related story, Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, who lauded Obama’s win, has just announced her choice for next year’s National Artist Award for Music – Charice Pempengco.
________
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
~George Burns who died at age 100

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Laguna governor’s ‘brilliant’ post-Ondoy idea

It’s Erap and Binay for 2010, at least according to this columnist.

Survey Says
Who should be the standard bearer of the Nationalist People’s Coalition (NPC)?
Sen. Francis Joseph Escudero: 15%
Sen. Loren Legarda 4%
They should both quit the race: 81%

We have a new survey, Please vote now.

WOOHOO!

GMA’s Rating
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, 6 out of 10 Filipinos are dissatisfied with President Arroyo’s performance. The other four were Mike, Dato, Mikey, and Luli.

GMA’s Rating II
President Arroyo’s satisfaction rating has dropped further to -38 percent. Her rating has sunk to a really low level… the NDCC mulls sending rubber boats to rescue her.

Loren for VP Again?
Sen. Loren Legarda revealed that five presidential hopefuls wanted her to be their running mate. Reports say she is inclined to accept the offer – something that was not surprising since she’s gotten used to being the No. 2 anyway.

Power Outage
Rotating blackouts have hit Eastern Metro Manila. The government has apologized to the residents of the affected areas and vowed to immediately finish the ongoing “elections dry run.”

Personal
THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER would like to dedicate his latest victory in the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards to every ‘thinking’ reader who visits this blog.

Your text and online votes put me in 2nd place (out of 10 finalists) in the Reader’s Choice category, a special award sponsored by Chikka.Com. You know what that means? You know what ‘2nd place’ means?” The second placer is the first loser! Wohoo! Pero ang higit na mahalaga, ‘yung walang sawa n’yong suporta.

But here’s the bigger news: WE took home the “Best Humor Blog” plum besting 10 other formidable opponents in this year’s awards. Wohoo! And woohoo again! It was something that I did not really expect. Seriously, I did not expect it. Why? Because, I hoped for it! I wanted it! And unlike this government, I am honest!

The Event
I wasn’t supposed to attend last night’s awards ceremonies. I was half-sick and feeling half-funny. But after consulting with the Pink Sisters, I decided to show up. After all, during these trying times, someone has to brave the congested traffic, make a sacrifice, and put a smile on everyone’s face. To my co-nominees in the Humor category, tumabi kayo… ako na!

It feels great to be a winner – to be the chosen one. That’s the reason why I’m apologizing to MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando: ‘Sorry Sir but I cannot relate to you.’

As I have mentioned, I placed second in the special award sponsored by Chikka.com. Sources said I was leading the partial, official count. But when votes from Lanao and Maguindanao came in, the eventual winner overtook me by one million votes.

Seconds after the texters’ choice award was handed out, Sen. Loren Legarda gave me a call and asked how it felt to be No. 2. I replied, “You tell me!”

But the experience was both hilarious and gut-wrenching. Habang binibitiwan ng presenter ang linyang, “And the Best Humor Blog Award goes to… ” muntik nang lumuwa ang buwa ko.

Just moments after accepting the award, I received a text message from presidential aspirant Manuel Villar. He wanted me to be his running mate. I politely declined.

Something awkward also happened after my name was announced as the winner. On my way to the stage to accept the trophy, Kanye West suddenly appeared from nowhere and said, “No disrespect to you but Mikey Arroyo has one of the funniest online videos ever.”

I thought I spotted Dr. Vicki Belo in the gallery. When I smiled at her, she tried to move her lips. I appreciated the effort. It was painful.

I would like to particularly thank those people inside the theater that cheered for me. They were total strangers and yet, they applauded the Professional Heckler. I felt so popular last night. President Arroyo dropped by to congratulate me…. and my popularity nosedived.

Kris Aquino was also there. But she was escorted out of the theater – forcibly – when she started telling members of the Philippine Blog Awards committee that they all needed a makeover.

The electronic invite said the program would start at 5:00 o’clock. But the actual ceremonies began at 7:30PM. It was so delayed I thought the event was being organized by the NDCC rescue unit.

So while waiting for the show to start, I just sat on a bench near the restroom. A towering usherette (who claimed to know me) advised me to mingle and introduce myself to the other nominees. I said, “No. Tahimik lamang magtrabaho si Professional Heckler. Kaya marami siyang nagagawa.”

I got home almost midnight. Exhausted, sleepy, and bothered by apparent symptoms of influenza. But my mood instantly changed when I reached our Makati residence. Outside our house was a banner placed by my neighbors. It said, “Ganito ang bloggers namin sa Makati. Sana sa inyo ganito rin!”

My devout Catholic family wanted me to offer a thank you mass after my triumph. I said it was unnecessary since God has already talked to me. In fact, He wanted me to join again next year. But my mom was insistent. So now, I am choosing between Sto. Domingo Church and the Manila Cathedral. One thing is definite though: there will be a celebration at the Araneta Coliseum. It will be a “People’s Party.” And everyone at the ABS-CBN newsroom will be invited. Reporter RG Cruz has actually volunteered to spread the news on Facebook. Helping him out is political strategist Lito Banayo who promised to reprint the invite in his Malaya column.

Again, from the auricles and ventricles of my heart, and on behalf of the synapses, axons, and neurons of my nervous system, thank you ALL so much for inspiring me to write. As I have been tellin’ my friends, ESPESYAL at IBANG KLASE ang mga taong nagbabasa sa blog na ito. Ikaw ‘yun! Kayo ‘yun!

To my readers outside the country: from Vanuatu to Tuvalu to Ouagadougou, Singapore City, Dubai, Mozambique, Tbilisi and Liechtenstein, maraming, maraming salamat! [Kung hindi mo ma-pronounce ang Liechtenstein, sige, palitan na lang natin ng Japan.]

To the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards, especially to the judges in the Humor category: You didn’t fail me. And I knew it. You’ve got taste! A good one.

To my subjects: the politicians, the government officials, the Church, the entertainers, the media, and Annabelle “Divil ‘Yang si Wilma Galvanti ‘dong” Rama: thank you for your understanding. Walang personalan. Trabaho lang.

Sa mga tagasubaybay ng blog na ito sa Pilipinas: marami pa tayong dapat gawin. Marami pa akong dapat sulatin. Marami pa kayong pwedeng basahin. Ang tagumpay na ito ay simula pa lamang. Hindi ko kayo bibiguin. Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Sama-sama tayo. Lalaban tayo. Mang-he-heckle tayo!

Sana lang… RAMDAM n’yo ako.
_________
“Win or lose, we go shopping after the election.”
~Imelda Marcos

PAHABOL: I arrived at the venue at around 4:30PM – exactly three hours before the actual ceremonies began. As I was about to register, a text message came in, “Masyado kang atat na atat.” It was from Inquirer columnist Conrad De Quiros. Now that I have won, I plan to guest (via phonepatch) on Ted Failon’s radio show and demand an apology from De Quiros. Promise, hindi ako iiyak.

______
I won’t be able to reply to everyone who’ll post his/her congratulatory message, so here na lang: HUGS. (Cheeeeeeesy!]

And here’s the list of winners.

WANTED: RUNNING MATE

Sen. Noynoy Aquino has Sen. Mar Roxas. Deposed president Joseph Estrada has Mayor Jejomar Binay. Sen. Chiz Escudero and Sen. Loren Legarda have each other, and Sec. Gilbert Teodoro has a tree.

Less than two months before the filing of certificates of candidacy, Sen. Manuel Villar has yet to name a running mate. Desperate to find one before the next major survey, rumor has it Mr. Sipag at Tiyaga has begun screening interested applicants for the VP slot. In fact, a portion of the written test for potential candidates was leaked to the Professional Heckler by a rejected applicant. But the camp of the good senator was quick to deny that such test existed and dismissed the document as “black propaganda.” Nonetheless, I am re-printing a sample of the questionnaire here.

Partido Nacionalista
Paghahanda Para sa Halalang Pampanguluhan sa Taong 2010
Aplikante sa Pagka-Pangalawang Pangulo Bilang: 4

Buong Pangalan: ________________________
Gamit na Alyas sa Bank Account sa Switzerland: _________________

Kaaarawan at Eksaktong Gulang: ___________________ Are you sure? __________

Kasarian: [ ]Lalaki [ ]Babae [ ]It’s Complicated [ ]Walang kasarian ang paglilingkod!

Estadong Sibil: [ ]Walang Asawa [ ]Kasal [ ]May Kinakasama/Hindi Kasal [ ]Hiwalay
[ ]Kabit [ ]Nagpaplanong Iwan Ang Asawa] [ ]Maraming kinakasama at okay lamang sa kanila ang ganoong set up

Paniniwalang Panrelihiyon: [ ]Romano Katoliko [ ]Iglesia ni Kristo [ ]Born-Again Christian [ ]Protestante [ ]Born-Again pero present lagi sa celebration ng birthday ni Bro. Mike Velarde sa Luneta [ ]Katoliko pero present lagi sa birthday celebration ni Bro. Eddie sa Ultra [ ]Sumasamba sa Pera [ ]Satanista [ ]Walang pinapaniwalaan

Dating Partidong Kinaaaniban: _____________________
Dahilan ng Pagkalas: [ ]Wala silang pera [ ]Wala silang tsansa [ ]Variety is the spice of life

Layunin ng Pagsusulit: Gaano mo kakilala si Senador Manuel Villar Jr? Gaano kalaki ang tiwala mo sa kanya at sa partidong kanyang pinamumunuan? Maaasahan ba namin ang iyong katapatan sa Lapiang Nacionalista?

Panuto: Ikulong sa hugis-bahay na larawan ang titik na kumakatawan sa iyong napiling kasagutan. Kapag hindi hugis-bahay ang ginamit sa pagmamarka ng titik, wala kang makukuhang puntos kahit tama pa ang napiling sagot. Doble ang mababawas sa kabuuang iskor kapag ang titik ay ikinulong sa larawang hugis salamin, hugis puno, hugis padyak, o hugis jeep.

Ito ang halimbawa ng katanggap-tanggap na paraan ng pagmamarka ng sagot.

Ito naman ang mga halimbawa ng maling paraan ng pagmamarka sa napiling sagot:

Ikaw ay binibigyan ng labinlimang minuto upang tapusin ang bahaging ito ng pagsusulit. Simulan.

1: Bakit mo nais maging running mate ni Sen. Manuel Villar Jr?
A: Naniniwala ako sa kanyang katapatan at kakayahang maglingkod sa bayan
B: Baka sakaling ma-impeach siya, eh ‘di ako ang magiging presidente!
C: Marami siyang pera. Matalo man ako, may extra-kita pa!

2: Kumpletuhin ang linyang ito mula sa isang patalastas ni Senador Villar: ‘Akala mo petiks, ‘yun pala mali. Akala mo conyo, ‘yun pala laking-Tondo. Akala mo trapo, ‘yun pala ________________.”
A: Trapo talaga!
B: Ka-tropa Mo!
C: Trapong Discreet!

3: Ano ang masasabi mo sa alegasyong dinoble ni Senador Villar ang pondo para sa kontrobersyal na South Luzon Expressway to Sucat leg ng C-5 road extension project?
A: Nang marinig ko ang isyu, lumuwa ang buwa ko
B: Maraming mambabatas ang gumagawa n’yan, hindi lamang siya
C: Malicious! Libelous! Paninirang-puri sa kagalang-galang na senador!

4: Ano ang ibig sabihin ng mga titik na S at T sa S&T advocacy campaign ni Senador Villar?
A: Sipag at Tiyaga
B: Sardinas at Tilapya
C: Subdivision at Tirahan

5: Naniniwala ka ba sa mga lumabas na survey kamakailan kung saan nangunguna si Sen. Noynoy Aquino sa hanay ng mga nais maging pangulo?
A: Kinda.
B: Hindi popularidad ang kailangan sa palasyo. Mas mahalaga ang abilidad!
C: Wish ko lang ma-sustain niya until May.

6: Sinu-sino ang nasa larawan?

A: Magigiting at batam-batang senatorial bets ng Nacionalista Party ngayong 2010
B: Pampabango, pampapogi, pampakilig, panghatak sa crowd
C: Mga overage na kalalakihang nagtangkang mag-audition last week sa Starstruck 5

7: Ilang ‘house and lot’ ang ipinamigay ni Senador Villar sa isang guesting niya sa programang Wowowee?
A: Anim! Sure na! Kapuri-puri ang kanyang ginawang pagtulong sa mga kababayan nating OFWs. Mabuhay ka Senador!
B: Oh presidency na makapangyarihan/ Kapag pumasok ka sa puso ninuman/ Gagawin ang lahat masungkit ka lamang!
C: Hindi ako nanonood ng Wowowee!

8: Kung mananalong pangulo si Senador Villar at ikaw naman ay mahahalal na bise presidente, saang ahensya ng pamahalaan mo gustong maitalaga bilang concurrent chief?
A: Sa Customs na lang para mabilis mabawi ang nagastos sa eleksyon
B: Sa DPWH para mapangasiwaan ko ang C5 road extension project
C: Anywhere! Ang mahalaga, kapit-bisig kaming maglilingkod sa sambayanan

9: Sino ang nasa larawan?

A: Ang Pinakamayamang Babae sa Balat ng Lupa
B: Siya ang susunod nating First Lady! Si Madam Cynthia Aguilar-Villar, kinatawan ng lone district of Las Piñas Ziteee!
C: Hindi masyadong clear eh. Photoshopped ba ‘yan?

10: Naniniwala ka ba, nang buong puso’t kaluluwa na mananalo si Senador Villar sa pagka-pangulo sa darating na halalan?
A: Oo naman – kung hindi umatras si Mar at ‘di namatay si Tita Cory
B: Magkano?
C: Walang duda! Siya ang susunod na presidente!

Bonus Questions
1: Described by Wikipedia as numerically halfway between red and yellow in a gamma-compressed RGB color space, ito ang paboritong kulay ni Senador Villar:
A: Itik brown
B: Orange: Ang kulay ng pagbabago
C: Like I care!

2: Kakaiba ang closeness niya kay Senador Villar. May lumabas pa ngang balita na plano niyang tumakbo sa pagka-alkalde ng Quezon City sa ilalim ng Partido Nacionalista. Sino ang nasa larawang ito?

A: Joey De Leon
B: Lolit Solis
C: Willie Revillame

Ang iyong pagsusulit ay nagtatapos dito. Hintayin ang tawag ng partido kung ikaw ay uusad sa ikalawang bahagi ng screening: ang Panel Interview. Isa lamang ang pipiliin bilang opisyal na kandidato ng Partido Nacionalista sa pagkapangalawang pangulo para sa susunod na halalan! Kung hindi ka man mapili, huwag mawalan ng pag-asa. May tsansa ka pa kay Brother Eddie. Ipagpatuloy mo lang ang iyong sipag at tiyaga.

Good luck at mabuhay ang masang Pilipino!

Notice to the Public
This is to inform everyone that Bukidnon Rep. Teofisto ‘TG’ Guingona III whose picture appears herein has ceased to be connected in anyway with the Nacionalista Party effective October 7, 2009. Any transaction – political, sexual, or personal entered into by him for or on behalf of the party is deemed illegal and self-serving, and shall not be honored by NP.
________
“The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How is the president?””
~ Will Rogers

Survey Says
Among these party-list representatives, who would you likely vote for senator?
Akbayan’s Rissa Hontiveros-Baraquel: 31%
Bayan Muna’s Teodoro Casiño: 9%
Gabriela’s Liza Maza: 3%
None of the above 57%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
If you want this blog to win the Reader’s Choice Award in the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards, just key in CHIKKARC L17 and send to 2929. Voting is extended until October 8. It’s okay though if I don’t get to walk away home with a trophy on Friday. The more important thing is… I have you. [Cheeeeeessy!]

TYPHOONS!

Typhoon Erap
Devastates the country for two hours and then leaves. Despite the entry of a new disturbance though, it threatens to re-enter the Philippine area of responsibility.

Typhoon Gloria
Continues to pummel the entire Philippines for nine hours now. Gustiness rivals that of Typhoon Marcos in the ‘70s. Initial damage to agriculture is estimated at P728 million. Damage to infrastructure is unknown but initial reports say reconstruction of Macapagal Boulevard alone has cost the government P536 million. It was also able to sustain its strength after interacting with Typhoon Erap. It is forecast to remain almost stationary.

Typhoon Mar
Threatened to enter Philippine territory but after seeing the vigilance of Filipinos, it was forced to back out and gave way to Typhoon Noynoy.

Typhoon Noynoy
Initially categorized as a tropical storm until weather specialists observed a sudden rise in its gustiness and wind speed. After being officially declared a typhoon, it now brings scattered rain showers in Luzon including Metro Manila. Moderate to strong winds are expected to blow toward the Visayas and Mindanao in the coming days. [By the way, beware of typhoon Noynoy's thunder - it wouldn't shut up!]

Typhoon Villar
Earlier forecast categorized it as a “super typhoon” maintaining strength in Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao. Roads and road extensions were damaged – twice (double devastation). But the entry of Typhoon Noynoy in Philippine territory has eclipsed its impact. The rest of the country will remain cloudy though.

Typhoon (Brother) Eddie:
A similarly-named typhoon entered the country in 2004 and threatened to pour 5 million centimeters of rainwater in the entire country. You know what happened. The typhoon was re-categorized as a drizzle.

Typhoon Bayani
This weather disturbance was located at 14° 38′ 24″ North Northwest of Marikina City. Weather experts refused to categorize it as a typhoon because its impact is localized. It did, however attempt to pack maximum sustained winds similar to a tropical storm. But latest satellite data revealed no sign of activity.

Typhoon Gibo
It was nowhere near the Philippine area of responsibility until three hours before PAGASA made its latest forecast. In fact, typhoon Bayani’s moderate winds were already blowing east of the metro before Gibo made its presence felt and officially entered Philippine territory. The weather bureau forecasts similarities in the movements of typhoon Gibo and typhoon Gloria although both Gibo and typhoon Noynoy originated approximately 10 miles east of Central Luzon.

Typhoon Jejomar
Described by weather specialists as “stubborn” and territorial,” this typhoon has recently threatened the whole country if not for some climatological developments. What’s alarming is that people to tend to ignore Typhoon Jejomar’s ability to destroy. It has remained stationary for 23 years (and counting).

Typhoon JDV
No heavy rains. No lightning. No flooding. It’s all thunder and wind.

Typhoon Loren & Typhoon Chiz
For the first time in local weather history, two typhoons entered the country at the same time making landfall on the same area. The impact is moderate though, without much damage, and both typhoons are expected to leave soon… unless either of them interact with typhoon Erap.

Typhoon Jamby
The hardest to predict among the weather disturbances. Scattered raindrops will not completely wet an exposed surface regardless of duration. But the public is advised to remain cautious of lightning. Despite the rains, temperatures will remain high.

Typhoon Ronnie (Puno)
No satellite or surface data was made available because… “Tahimik lamang magtrabaho ang Typhoon Ronnie kaya maraming nagagawa (na damage).”
__________
“There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.”
~ Willa Sibert Cather

Personal
I just read Malaya columnist Lito Banayo’s piece today, October 6. I have one word for him: peace. And to my readers, thank you so so so much. Let’s just get back to work and make this third world country a happy place to live.

Here’s that portion of Mr. Banayo’s column:
“We rushed our article last Friday the previous morning due to a series of early meetings. The night before, a friend e-mailed us this: “Several political personalities and controversial celebrities reportedly used Twitter to express their thoughts on this latest tragedy. Here are samples of unverified posted tweets.”

I saved the very wittily written “tweets”, and on Thursday morning, while I was on a rush for a scheduled meeting, I decided to use them for my Friday, October 2 column. Little did I realize at the time that the witticisms came from “the professional heckler.wordpress.com.” I even added two or so lines to what my friend sent me.

Readers informed me about my non-attribution as early as Friday afternoon, but there was no way I could apologize in print until today. So very sorry, professional heckler, and to the blog’s many followers as well.”

CALAMITOUS

State of Calamity
As typhoon Pepeng pummels Northern Luzon, President Arroyo places the entire country under a state of calamity. Gilbert Teodoro’s campaign goes nationwide.

Price Control
With the declaration of a state of calamity, price control will also take effect… delighting Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo who really enjoys shopping during stormy weather.

Mikey: “It wasn’t me!”
Calling the accusation malicious, Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo has denied Facebook reports that he was photographed buying liquor at the height of tropical storm Ondoy last week. In another news dismissed by Arroyo as totally unrelated, the Office of the Ombudsman has issued a memorandum prohibiting the release of pictures of government officials without their consent.

Evacuation Centers
Did you see the hundreds, if not thousands of people who were pushing and yanking one another just to get food from TV stations? Where in the world were Congressmen Danilo Suarez and Martin Romualdez when we needed them most?

JIL Cancels Celebration
Presidential hopeful Bro. Eddie Villanueva announced that the 31st anniversary celebration of the Jesus is Lord Movement tomorrow has been called off in respect for the devastation brought by tropical storm “Ondoy” last week. Instead, the preacher and his disciples plan to feed the hungry victims of the storm – five million of them, to be exact.

Croc in Floodwaters?
Reports say a Pasig City resident named Michael Lambert photographed a crocodile as it swam in murky floodwaters during the onslaught of tropical storm Ondoy. In a statement issued immediately after the report came out, Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo claimed he never left home during the storm.

Meralco and Blackouts
The Lopez-owned Manila Electric Company (Meralco) denied rumors it was shutting off power due to typhoon Pepeng. No, it won’t. Lest you forget, Meralco brownouts happen only whenever GMA 7 pilots a Marian Rivera telefantasya.

In Other News…
Communist leader Jose Maria Sison is rejoicing after his name was taken out of the terror list of the European Union. To celebrate his victory, Ka Joma’s NPA comrades are torching five Globe cell sites this month.

Lucky Ombudsman
The House Committee on Justice recently junked the impeachment complaint filed against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. As a gesture of gratitude to the congressmen, Gutierrez is issuing a memorandum circular categorizing SALNs of public officials as highly-classified government documents.
_______
“Prohibit the taking of omens, and do away with superstitious doubts. Then, until death itself comes, no calamity need be feared.”
~Sun Tzu

Survey Says
Who will win the UAAP men’s basketball championship?
Ateneo Blue Eagles: 40%
UE Red Warriors: 13%
I am not interested: 47%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
OCTOBER 6, 2009:
Mr. Lito Banayo has apologized for re-printing in his column a portion of my September 28 blog post. Apology accepted.

Briefly Noted
Even leftist solons have gone the trapo way! Bayan Muna’s Teddy Casiño, Gabriela’s Liza Largoza-Maza and the moderate Rissa Hontiveros-Baraquel of Akbayan have started airing their premature political ads on AM radio. What a shame!

Briefly Noted, Too
If ABS-CBN’s DZMM is perceived to be pro-Noynoy Aquino, MBC’s DZRH is obviously supporting Manny Villar. Listen to its primetime newscast and you will notice its shameless promotion of Mr. S&T.

Briefly Noted III
ABS-CBN featured only the heroics of their talents during the onslaught of tropical storm Ondoy. GMA 7 highlighted only their own artists’ good Samaritan efforts. Even during a disaster, the network war is alive. Nakakasawa na!

Stay safe people and have a productive weekend!

Note: This particular post has been installed with an anti-plagiarism device. Reprint at your own risk.