NOTES ON A SONA

GMA’s 9th State of the Nation Address
The good news is… President Arroyo stated in her State of the Nation Address that her term would end in June 2010. The bad news is… that speech was first drafted last December 30, Rizal Day.

According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the president’s State of the Nation Address lasted 57 minutes & 33 seconds. That’s 50 minutes of applause, 7 minutes of critic-lashing, and 33 seconds of accomplishments.

Reports say the president’s State of the Nation Address was interrupted 126 times by applause… and at least three times when she checked on her chest for any leaks.

At one point during her address, President Arroyo acknowledged the presence of Tarnati Dannawi, a Badjao who was taught modern fish farming; he earned 180,000 pesos in one year. She then acknowledged the presence of Lito Lapid, a Kapampangan, who was taught lawmaking; he earned earned 1 billion pesos in five years.

In an apparent dig at Sen. Mar Roxas, the president said, “If you really want something done… don’t pussyfoot… don’t pander.” GMA’s allies in the gallery applauded… except for senators Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla who had to look up the words “pussyfoot” and “pander” in the dictionary.

Reacting to GMA’s tirades, Sen. Mar Roxas said “Hindi ko pinapansin ang mga ganyang banat. Ang pinapansin ko lang ay ang hinaing ng ating mga kababayan” to which Sen. Manny Villar said, “Talaga? Sige nga… mamigay ka ng anim na bahay.”

Taking swipe at former president Joseph Estrada whom she granted executive clemency, Mrs. Arroyo said, “Those who live in glass houses should cast no stones. Those who should be in jail should not threaten it, especially if they have been there.” An irate Estrada told the press, “Eh tanga pala siya eh. Semento kaya ang bahay ko!”

SONA Fashion
Just when we thought KFC’s recent offering was the biggest… came President Arroyo’s SONA attire. Extra Large Bucket of Fries, anyone?

Sen. Jamby Madrigal described her new gown as a “modified Maria Clara.” Just like her.

Presidential wannabe Loren Legarda recycled her outfit – a year-old fuchsia gown by designer Paul Cabral that bared her back- or as opposition stalwarts Ernie Maceda and John Osmeña would call it – backless.

Light Bites
Q: What did Mike Arroyo say when he saw Loren Legarda during GMA’s SONA?
A: Back Off!

In Other News…
Former president Cory Aquino’s cancer has reportedly spread. The cancer is spreading so rapidly… even Noynoy Aquino has lost all his hair.

Mass for Cory
Manila City Hall continues its series of healing mass for former President Corazon Aquino. But starting today, former Supreme Court justice Adolf Azcuna will not be invited.
__________
“Promises are like babies: easy to make, hard to deliver.”
~Author Unknown

Elsewhere
Manila Standard Today columnist Antonio Abaya cries censorship.

What’s more odd than a former Immigration official who eats death threats for breakfast? An ex-president who eats human flesh for dinner! Check this out.

Survey Says…
Who is the most credible among these veteran radio commentators:
Mike Enriquez: 35%
Joe Taruc: 26%
Ted Failon: 24%
Arnold Clavio: 7%
Rey Langit: 5%
Jake Maderazo: 3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

SIPSIP, INC.

The bloc-voting sect that is Iglesia ni Cristo is celebrating its anniversary today. Also celebrating are the newspaper publishers who are raking in revenues from sipsip politicians.

The Professional Heckler scanned three leading broadsheets today: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star and Manila Bulletin and listed down the names of politicians, government officials, businessmen turned politicians, their wives and children, and party list groups who probably spent taxpayers’ money in an apparent effort to win the support of the Manalos and their minions in the 2010 polls.

Those who paid tribute, praised, and glorified the Manalos and the INC through half-page and full-page ads include:

Former President Joseph Estrada (PDI)
Sen. Manny & Cong. Cynthia Villar (PDI/Star/MB)
Sen. Loren Legarda (PDI/Star/MB)
Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri (PDI/Star/MB)
Sec. Ralph & Batangas Gov. Vilma Santos-Recto (Star/MB)
Sec. Leandro Mendoza (PDI)
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago (PDI)
Sen. Bong and Lani Mercado-Revilla (MB)
Sec. Ronaldo Puno ((PDI/Star/MB)
Sec. Gilbert & Cong. Monica Prieto-Teodoro (Star/MB)
Usec. Antonio “Bebot” Villar Jr. (MB)
Batangas Rep. Mark Llandro Mendoza (PDI)
Quezon City Rep. Annie Susano (PDI)
Agusan Del Norte Rep. Jose Aquino III (PDI/Star)
Agusan Del Norte Rep. Edelmiro Amante (PDI/Star)
Cong. Narciso Defensor Santiago III (PDI)
Cavite Rep. Elpidio Barzaga (Star)
Palawan Gov. Joel and Mrs. Fems Reyes (PDI/Star)
QC Rep. Nanette Castelo-Daza (PDI)
QC Mayor Sonny Belmonte & Joy Belmonte (Star)
QC Coun. Winston Castillo (MB)
Precious Hipolito-Castelo (MB)
Bacoor Cavite, Mayor Strike Revilla (Star/MB)
Rizal Gov. Jun Ynares & Provincial Council (MB)
Agusan Del Norte Gov. Erlpe John Amante (Star/MB)
Valenzuela Rep. Sherwin Gatchalian (MB)
Kalookan Rep. Mitch Cajayon (MB)
Batangas Rep. Nicanor Briones (MB)
Batangas Rep. Cesar Cobrador (MB)
Laguna Rep. Dave Almarinez (MB)
Cavite Governor Ayong Malicsi (PDI/Star/MB)
Cavite Vice Gov. Osboy Campaña (PDI/Star/MB)
Imus, Cavite Mayor Manny Malicsi (PDI/Star/MB)
Dasmariñas, Cavite Mayor Jenny Barzaga (MB)
Valenzuela City Mayor Rexlon Gatchalian (MB)
Muntinlupa City Mayor Aldrin San Pedro (Star)
Escalante City Mayor Melecio Yap Jr (MB)
Lipa City Officials (PDI)
Padre Garcia, Batangas Officials (PDI)
San Juan, Batangas Officials (PDI)
Rosario, Batangas Officials (PDI)
San Jose, Batangas Officials (PDI)
Ibaan, Batangas Officials (PDI)
Taysan, Batangas Officials (PDI)
San Jose, Batangas Vice Mayor Tikyo Briones (MB)
AGAP Party List (PDI/Star/MB)
BUTIL Farmers Party List (MB)
Atty. Melanio “Batas” Mauricio (PDI)
Jose De Venecia III (PDI)
Weslie Gatchalian (Star/MB)
Pagcor Chair Efraim Genuino & Trace College (Star/MB)
Former Mayor Ambrosio Cruz Jr (Sugod Bulacan Movement)

Note: The current half-page and full-page ad rates of the three broadsheets range from PhP154,000 to PhP391,000. You do the math.

Ang tanong: whose effort will be rewarded in 2010? MANALO kaya sila? Abangan!
_________
“I would argue that one of the issues which the public should be much more emphatic about with all politicians… is patronage, appointing people to high positions because they supported your campaign or helped you raise money.”
~John Hickenlooper

THE VILLAR SHOW

Villar & Wowowee
In case you were tuned in to Wowowee last Saturday, you would have caught the guesting of presidential aspirant Manny Villar. The program began as a game show at 11:45. By 2:30PM, it has become Damayan minus Rosa Rosal.

Appearing on the noontime perya that was Wowowee, presidential aspirant Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to returning OFWs who joined the game show. Villar, who was present at the studio, was almost in tears… mainly because he received text messages from Eat Bulaga contestants asking for the same.

Six houses and lots were given away by Manny Villar to Wowowee contestants last Saturday. When Mar Roxas saw this, he requested for another Wowowee guesting so he could give away… Korina Sanchez.

Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to returning OFWs who joined the noontime game show Wowowee. When presidential wannabe Eddie Villanueva saw this, he said, “Wala ‘yan! Kapag ako ang nag-guest sa Wowowee… papakainin ko ang limang milyon!”

Six houses and lots were given away by Manny Villar to Wowowee contestants last Saturday. When ex-president Joseph Estrada saw this, he requested for a Wowowee guesting to give away six of his extra mistresses.

Earlier this year, Mar Roxas gave away a pedicab (padyak) to a Wowowee contestant. Last Saturday, Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to six more contestants. Unfazed by the competition, presidential aspirant Father Ed Panlilio is guesting on Eat Bulaga… to give away his virginity.

Six houses and lots were given away by presidential hopeful Manny Villar on Wowowee. Breaking News: The Department of Foreign Affairs has just confirmed that thousands of OFWs have quit their job overseas to join Wowowee instead.

Willie Revillame said there was no politics involved in Villar’s decision to give away six houses and lots to six Wowowee contestants. Ulol!

Noli and the Presidency
Vice President Noli De Castro denied persistent rumors that he would run as vice president of Sen. Manuel Villar. But De Castro explained he might change his decision if Villar would give him six houses and lots.

Teodoro to Lakas
Another presidentiable, Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro has officially and formally joined the administration party. The move has formally and officially sealed… his defeat.

False Alarm
Do you remember the Inquirer’s banner headline last week about a “kidnapped, drugged, and raped” teenage daughter of a narcotics agent? That story turned out to be false. Now, do you remember former Supreme Court justice Adolf Azcuna’s announcement last Friday during a mass at the Manila City Hall that Cory Aquino has died? Here’s the latest: Azcuna has been offered a job at the Philippine Daily Inquirer!

Light Bites
Q: What’s the difference between the Inquirer and Azcuna?
A: Azcuna apologized.

Solar Eclipse
Last Wednesday, a total solar eclipse plunged China into darkness for like seven minutes… or as the Inquirer’s banner headline said, “Seven hours.”

Hayden Kho
The Philippine Medical Association (PMA) has decided to punish cosmetic surgery intern Hayden Kho over his role in his sex video scandal. As a punishment, he will be forced to fix the president’s leaking boobs – without pay.

State of the Nation Address
President Arroyo will deliver her 9th State of the Nation Address on Monday, July 27. That will be Mrs. Arroyo’s last SONA… the very reason why the Iglesia ni Cristo is having a huge feast on Monday.
________
“It’s true sensationalism sells, but that’s as far as that goes.”
~ Felipe Duran

Elsewhere…
Check out The Professional Heckler’s SONA-related post last year.

Here’s the list of the Best and Worst Food for Your Libido.

Da Who?
An EP of a show received an order from an executive to include in their line up of stories the “ballroom dancing session” some network executives spent with a (new) celebrity. Got no problem with that. But with an additional instruction to “enumerate through Voice Over” the names of the executives as they showcase their Terpsichore-on-Valium skills?! Now, that’s just cheap!

Personal
In case you’re interested, the Professional Heckler is on Twitter.  Click here.

Have a productive week ahead!

STICKERS

[PBA09p6p85op]

Anti-GMA Bumper Stickers
1: Life’s A Bitch, And So Is the President
2: Pekeng Pangulo na may Pekeng Suso
3: Hindi Lahat ng Gloria ay Masarap

Anti-Mar Roxas Bumper Stickers
1: Good Politician, Better Actor
2: ‘Padyak Mo’ng Mukha Mo! Ulol!
3: Mar Roxas: Bi Now, Gay Later

Anti-Manny Villar Bumper Stickers
1: Manny Villar: Harapin Mo Kami Duwag!
2: Always No. 1 in SWS Surveys He Himself Funded
3: C5 at Tiyaga: Kung ‘Di Nabisto, Panalo!

Anti-Brother Eddie Villanueva Bumper Stickers
1: Brother Eddie: Whom the Gods Wish to Destroy…
2: Ka-sekta mo nga Nireject ka, Kami Pa!
3: A Vote for Brother Eddie is a Vote for Morality (You’ve Been Warned!)

Anti-Loren Legarda Bumper Stickers
1: Loren Loren Sinta ni Edong Angara
2: Madame (Political) Butterfly: Papalit-palit, Palipat-lipat
3: I’m Male. 70. Married. (Definitely, your type!) Can I Be Your First Gentleman?

Anti-Noli De Castro Bumper Stickers
1: If Noli De Castro Is Qualified, So Am I
2: Big Voice Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Big Brains
3: Noli De Castro: Kung Takot Kami Kay Gloria, Mas Takot Kami Sa ‘Yo!

Anti-Among Ed Panlilio Bumper Stickers
1: Among Ed Kinausap ng Diyos: Mehhh Ganun?!?
2: God Knows Hudas Talk to Him
3: Another Kapampangan in Malacañang?! Are you nuts?

Anti-Joseph Estrada Bumper Stickers
1: Kung Naloko Mo Kami Noon, Hindi Na Ngayon
2: Joseph Estrada: Re-elect At Your Own Risk
3: If You Can Read This, You’re Not Erap
_________
Survey Says…
Should Father Ed Panlilio run for president?
NO: 53%
YES: 35%
I Don’t Care: 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

THE RUNNING PRIEST II

Among Ed
Officially announcing his bid for the presidency in 2010, Pampanga governor Fr. Ed Panlilio says God wants him to run for president… to which God said, “Ako! Ako! Ako! Lagi na lang ako!”

Father Ed Panlilio is reportedly leaving priesthood to seek the presidency in 2010. Panlilio insists God wants him to seek higher office… to which God said, “Heller! Brother Eddie ikaw ba ‘yan?”

Pampanga governor Ed Panlilio is leaving priesthood saying, “God is calling me to run for the presidency.” In a related development, the Devil is reportedly having a hard time deciding which candidate to support because there’s just too many qualified bets to choose from.
____________
“If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.”
~ Thomas Szasz

Top 10 Messages Left on Among Ed Panlilio’s Answering Machine Following His Declaration that He Would Seek the Presidency in 2010

No. 10: “Father, this is Jeff Shedlarz from Pfizer. How much do you need for your campaign?”

No. 9: “Father Ed, this is Archbishop Cruz. Ang tigas talaga ng ulo mo!”

No. 8: “Put*ng-ina Father, sigurado ka ba sa gagawin mo? Si Mar nga pala ‘to.”

No. 7: “Among Ed, si Lito Lapid po ito, ang inyong cabalen. Itatanong ko lang sana kung sino ‘yong bastos na babaeng sumagot sa telepono. Imagine, kausap ko na nga siya tapos sabi ba naman, ‘Leave your message after the tone.’ Walang breeding!”

No. 6: “Father Panlilio, si Brother Eddie ‘to. Ang lakas naman ng loob mo! Bakit? May 5 million followers ka ba?”

No. 5: “Father Eddie, si Erap ‘to. Sabihin mo lang kung kailangan mo ng First Lady. May ire-refer ako.”

No. 4: “Father, si Brother Eddie ulit ‘to. The Lord is my shepherd and he has promised me his endorsement. You better drop your plans.”

No. 3: “Among Ed, Archbishop Cruz again here. Bakit? Ano pa bang nagawa mo aside from increasing revenues from quarry operations? Meron ba?”

No. 2: “Father, si Isabela Gov. Grace Padaca ‘to. Ano bang middle name ni Archbishop Cruz: Lapid o Pineda? Parang ang laki yata ng galit niya sa ‘yo?

And the No. 1 message left on Among Ed Panlilio’s answering machine…

“Guessh who!??? Shige Among Ed, tumakbo ka! Shabi nga ng aking namayapang ama, ‘Do what ish right. Do what is bessht. And Mikey will take care of the ressht… sa kapitolyo.”
_________

Personal
I’ll be attending Kobe Bryant’s live show at the Phil Sports Arena today. I was lucky to snag a couple of courtside tickets from Nike’s Creative Agency. Thank you so much Ogilvy!

Newsbreak Online has an item on a veteran PR guy who bolted the camp of presidential contender Manny Villar.

Does Sen. Mar Roxas read The Professional Heckler? I think so. Here’s a February 2009 blog post of Prof. Danton Remoto.

ForbesTraveler’s list of the world’s most astonishing landscapes includes Bohol’s Chocolate Hills.

THE RUNNING PRIEST

Among Ed
Pampanga governor, Father Ed Panlilio has declared his intention to seek the presidency in 2010. If elected, he vows to improve the government’s tax collection… by opening more quarry sites in different parts of the country.

Among Ed II
Last Saturday, Father Ed Panlilio said he was willing to give up his priesthood to be able to run in the 2010 presidential election. Today, Mar Roxas said he’s willing to give up his manhood for the same purpose.

Mar Roxas, Again
Have you seen the sequel to Mar Roxas’ premature political ad “Padyak?” The new one is called “Ramdam.” In the ad, the presidential wannabe told a group of impoverished folks, “Ramdam ko kayo. Huwag kayong matakot. Lalaban tayo.” It wasn’t the first time he said that though. Those were the exact words he told his sperm cells the first time he slept with Korina.

Cory Aquino
To focus on her ailing mother – former President Corazon Aquino, Kris Aquino said she’ll stop making movies for a while. Don’t you just admire Tita Cory? Even in pain, she’s still doing us a huge favor.

First Ms U Delegate
Myrna Sese Panlilio-Borromeo, the first Binibining Pilipinas to the Miss Universe pageant [She failed to make it to the next round.] has died from cardiac arrest. During her funeral, a Bb. Pilipinas Charities representative gave a short but somber three-word eulogy: “Thank you girl.”

World’s Oldest Man
Henry Allingham, the world’s oldest man died at the age of 113 in London. Allingham had five grandchildren and 12 great-grandchildren, 14 great-great grandchildren and one great-great-great grandchild. The cause of death: extreme exhaustion after reading children’s stories.
______
“It is Hell, of course, that makes priests powerful, not Heaven, for after thousands of years of so-called civilization fear remains the one common denominator of mankind.”
~Henry Louis Mencken

Elsewhere…
The Philippine Daily Inquirer is operating a radio station now. Read here.

Is Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay really incorruptible? A COA report says otherwise.

Survey Says…
Who’s gonna win this year’s UAAP cage wars?
Cheering na lang: 33%
La Salle: 26%
Ateneo: 26%
UST: 5%
FEU: 5%
UE: 3%
Adamson: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

OPENING THE SONA

PBA09p6390s8

Top 15 Rejected State of the Nation Address Opening Lines

No. 15: “Let us observe a minute of silence in memory of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.”

No. 14: “To officially open this momentous event, please welcome… the members of the Congressional Spouses Foundation interpreting the Academy Award-winning song Jai-Ho!”

No. 13: “And the ‘Pitoy Moreno Award’ for Best Sona Gown goes to…”

No. 12: “Walaaang tulugan!”

No. 11: “After my speech, you may proceed to the Iglesia Ni Cristo anniversary party for your free dinner.”

No. 10: “Is that you Jovy Palparan? Look at you now. I’m so proud of you!”

No. 9: “This will be very short. Why, do you really expect me to accomplish that much in such a short period of time? Hello!”

No. 8: “First, the good news! Identified na ang nag-leak ng info about my boob job!”

No. 7: (Starts singing) “I dreamed a dream in time gone by/When hope was high and life, worth living/I dreamed that love would never die/I dreamed that God would be forgiving

No. 6: “Kapag sinabi kong I am for peace, I mean all out peace for everyone. Kaya mga kababayan, kasama po natin sa gallery ngayong hapon ang unang batch ng mga nagbalik-loob na Abu Sayyaf terrorists. Pasalubungan po natin sila ng masigabong palakpakan at sabay-sabay nating isigaw: Amnestiya para sa Terorista!”

No. 5: “Thank you so much to our major sponsors this afternoon: Pfizer, GlaxoSmithKline, Johnson & Johnson, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Novartis, and Abbott Laboratories.”

No. 4: “Sama-sama tayo! Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo! Teka lang… mali! I am shorry. Dish ish the wrong speech. My goodnesh! The teleprompter! Ayushin ang teleprompter! Pronto!”

No. 3: “Ang hindi papalakpak… hindi ko isasama sa U.S. sa Huwebes!”

No. 2: “I would like to dedicate my last State of the Nation Address to the most caring and hardworking people I’ve ever met – my constituents at the 2nd congressional district of Pampanga! Mañampukaki ing lugud mi kekayu!

And the No. 1 rejected State of the Nation Address opening line…

“Ladies & gentlemen, good afternoon. This will be my last State of the Nation Address…
as of press time.”
__________
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.” ~Alfred E. Neuman

Elsewhere…
Entertainment editor Ricky Lo wrote in his column today:
“The TV newcaster-lovers are now living happily ever after in a posh condo unit they have recently moved into. He is separated from his wife and so is she (from her artist-husband). They are open with their relationship, so it’s safe to say that they, including their “exes,” are into a live-and-let-live kind of set-up. The female newscaster needs some TLC (Tender Loving Care) after the harrowing experience she has gone through. Yes, indeed, love is more comfortable the second time you fall.”
~ I am sure Tito Ricky was referring to Ces Drilon (her ex: painter Rock Drilon). But who’s Ces’ new flame? Okay, okay… here are some clues:
1: Think of a soda brand
2: “Reverse restroom”
3: Re-read my comment on this item. The identity’s “just there.”

Manila Standard Today columnist Victor Agustin wrote about the financial woes of a former member of the Estrada cabinet.

The National Security Adviser, the Chief Justice and a “transition government.” Here’s a juicy item courtesy of Newsbreak Online

Kobe and the Lakers as well as Phil Jackson won trophies at the ESPY (Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly) Awards given by sports network ESPN. Manny Pacquiao was also hailed the Best Fighter. See complete list of winners here.

In case you wanted to see Kobe in the flesh, check out the details of his upcoming Asia Tour. The Black Mamba will be here on Tuesday, July 21.

Us Weekly posted a never-before-released video of Michael Jackson’s horrifying Pepsi commercial shoot in 1984. The King of Pop was literally on fire. Watch the video here.

And finally, the 61st Emmy nominations have been announced! See who made the cut in the major categories.

TRIP

Kim Jong-Il
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has pancreatic cancer. His doctors will not be releasing medical bulletins… but one of his daughters will appear in showbiz-oriented talk shows to discuss his condition.

Pfizer, Briber?
Drug maker Pfizer is reportedly frustrated at accusations it offered bribe to the government to delay the implementation of the cheaper medicines law. But Pfizer is more frustrated the government rejected it.

Arroyo’s US Trip
President Arroyo will finally meet with US President Barack Obama at the White House on July 30. She will be the first leader from Southeast Asia to visit Washington under the Obama administration… after earning the distinction of being the first leader from Southeast Asia to be snubbed thrice by the same administration.

Arroyo’s US Trip II
Some 100 congressmen are vying for slots in President Arroyo’s entourage in her July 30 trip to Washington DC. Not everyone will be allowed to leave though… lest the president be accused of smuggling crocodiles.

Pacman and Kobe
Fresh from his recent Nike pictorial with NBA superstar Kobe Bryant, Boston Celtics fanatic Manny Pacquiao is now saying he’s an LA Lakers die-hard. Wala pa man sa pulitika, balimbing na.
__________
“I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.”
~Robert Louis Stevenson

2010

The Top 12 Predicted Top 10 Topics of this Blog in May 2010

No. 12: The Top 10 Most Disgusting Political Advertisements

No. 11: The Top 10 Signs ABS-CBN Supported Presidential Bet Mar Roxas

No. 10: The Top 10 Reasons Why Dr. Vicki Belo Failed in Her Senatorial Bid

No. 9: The Top 10 Additional Benefits for Makati City Residents As Revealed By Winning Opposition Senator Jejomar Binay

No. 8: The Top 10 Real Reasons Why Every Presidential Candidate Was Present in Each of the Nine Healing Masses for Cory Aquino Two Weeks Before the Polls

No. 7: Ang Sampung Pinakabonggang Dahilan Kung Bakit Nanguna sa Halalang Pam-Party List ang Grupong “Ang Ladlad” – Promise!

No. 6: The Top 10 Alibis Given by Presidential Candidate Bro. Eddie Villanueva When His Flock of “Five Million” Voted for Someone Else… Again!

No. 5: The Top 10 A-List Celebrities Spotted at the Victory Party of Cong. Manny Pacquiao

No. 4: The Top 10 Things that Could Have Happened If Vice President Noli De Castro Rejected Sen. Manuel Villar’s Millions and Ran for President Instead

No. 3: The Top 10 Ways Korina Sanchez Reacted When Defeated Presidential Candidate Mar Roxas Reportedly Told Her: “Show’s over. And so are we.”

No. 2: The Top 10 Possible Challengers of Newly-Elected Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to the post of Prime Minister

And the No. 1 Predicted Top 10 topic of this blog in May 2010…

The Top 10 Reasons Why the Commission on Elections Declared A Failure of Automated Elections
___________
“Never make predictions, especially about the future.”
~ Casey Stengel

Awesome!
This is hilarious. Just change the name in the URL to personalize your own “tribute.” Thanks to Mel for this.
Here is the link.

HEALING MASS

Prayers from the Palace
For the speedy recover of former president Corazon Aquino, Malacañang sponsored a healing mass. Hours later, President Arroyo sponsored another… to heal her mass.

Relatives of former President Aquino attended the healing mass in Malacañang. After the mass, Lupita Aquino-Kashiwahara and the president talked about her upcoming SONA. Tessie Aquino-Oreta and the president talked about education. And Tingting Cojuangco & the president talked about cosmetic surgery.

Cory Aquino
Reports say ailing former president Corazon Aquino is now taking small portions of food. She would have actually eaten more than that… if her “bantay,” Joshua Aquino (Salvador) would just stop eating less.

SWS Survey
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that the trust rating of the cancer-stricken Corazon Aquino rose to 60 percent. Cong. Mikey Arroyo does not expect her mom to achieve such a high trust rating mainly because her tumors were found to be benign.

Poll Automation
Something historic happened this week. The P7.2B poll automation deal between the Commission on Elections and Smartmatic-TIM Corp. was signed. Even more historic, the president has signed an endorsement deal with Belo Medical Clinic.

Villanueva on Polls
Jesus Is Lord leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva stressed that only God can stop him from seeking the presidency in 2010. Villanueva is very confident that unlike in 2004, God will not switch alliances in 2010.

Villanueva on Polls II
Born Again preacher Bro. Eddie Villanueva revealed that his political party, the Bangon Pilipinas Movement has many possible senatorial candidates in 2010. To be exact… five million.

Villanueva on Polls III
Bro. Eddie Villanueva stressed that only God can stop him from seeking the presidency in 2010… to which God replied, “Whateverrr!”

Light Bites
Noon: Kapag nanalo sa malaking bidding, tuwang-tuwa… nagti-treat
Ngayon: Kapag nanalo sa malaking bidding, umaayaw… nagri-retreat

Noon: Kapag umuwi sa probinsya ang pangulo – nagbabakasyon, nagpapahinga
Ngayon: Kapag umuwi sa probinsya ang pangulo – nakikiramdam, nangangampanya

Noon: Kapag naospital ang presidente; dedicated sa trabaho: Good job!
Ngayon: Kapag naospital ang presidente; dedicated sa asawa: Boob job!
________
“Before healing others, heal yourself.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says…
Your take on the president’s health, particularly her reported boob job:
:Leave her alone! 73%
:It’s a public concern: 27%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy your weekend!

SPECIAL EVENTS

GMA’s Boob Job
Malacañang said the breast augmentation procedure done on President Arroyo 20 years ago was “a medical necessity.” Doing it was healthy… for her marriage.

GMA’s Boob Job II
Latest reports say the National Bureau of Investigation is discreetly conducting a probe to identify the source of the leaked information on President Arroyo’s medical records at the Asian Hospital. Once identified, he or she will be offered to write a column for The Philippine Star.

Red Alert
The police and the military are on red alert following the spate of bombings in the nation’s southernmost areas. Meanwhile in Malacañang, the First Family has been on a heightened alert following a recent ‘explosion’ – on the president’s chest area.

Top 5 Text Messages that Really Freaked Out the President While in the Hospital Recently

No. 5: “’Wag na ‘wag mong ipapaalis ‘yan. Or else, hahanap ako ng iba.” – Mike

No. 4: “I am keeping a video of ur boob job from 20 yrs back.” – Dr. Hayden Kho Sr.

No. 3: Free Health Trivia from Your Friends at Smart: “Breast cancer is the second most common type of cancer worldwide.”

No. 2: “I knew it! I knew there was something in there!” – Nani Perez

And the No. 1 text message that really freaked out the president while in the hospital recently…

“Madam Prisidint, sinabi ku na pu sa priss ang tutuu. Nivir kayung nagpa-upira sa susu.” – Cerge

Non-working Holiday
The good news is… Malacañang has declared July 27 (Monday) a non-working holiday in celebration of the 95th founding anniversary of Iglesia ni Cristo. The bad news is… 10 percent will be deducted from your salary this month.

Non-working Holiday II
The good news is Malacañang has declared July 27 a non-working holiday in celebration of the founding anniversary of Iglesia ni Cristo. The bad news is, Ang Dating Daan’s Ely Soriano is seeking a TRO against it.

[Note: Malacañang clarified Wednesday its previous statement that July 27 would be a “non-working holiday.” The Iglesia ni Cristo Day will be a “working holiday” after all. 'Yan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. Natakot siguro kay Ely Soriano.]

Jackson Memorial
Some 17 thousand ticket holders, who won in the online lottery, flocked to Staples Center in Los Angeles for Michael Jackson’s memorial service. Rumors say a second memorial is being planned… but limited tickets will be raffled off only to boys under 14.

Something awkward happened when Michael Jackson’s casket was brought to the Staples Center for the memorial service. When his body arrived, thousands of fans started chanting… MVP! MVP!

Happy People
Filipinos are the 14th happiest people in the world. Last year, we ranked lower at 17th . But that was long before the Katrina-Hayden-Maricar videos came out!

Filipinos are the 14th happiest people in the world. Last year, we ranked lower at 17th. But that was long before Mar Roxas’ padyak ads came out.

Elsewhere…
Here’s the complete list of the world’s happiest people.

The subject of Michael Jackson’s obsession when he was 21 years old surfaces.

_________
“Those who are enslaved to their sects are not merely devoid of all sound knowledge, but they will never even stop to learn.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says
Should the Comelec pursue full poll automation in 2010?
Results:
Yes please: 82%
Maybe next time: 18%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

SILICONE VALLEY

GMA’s Health
After initially dismissing it as just a “rumor,” the president’s spokesman, Cerge Remonde finally admitted that Mrs. Arroyo had breast augmentation 20 years ago. Still, Remonde’s revelation did not answer the bigger question: why is Mike Arroyo still unhappy?

The president’s spokesman, Cerge Remonde admitted that Mrs. Arroyo had breast augmentation 20 years ago but vehemently denied that she was hospitalized last week because of “leaking breast implants.” Unsatisfied with Remonde’s explanation, the Senate is conducting a probe on the matter.

Cerge Remonde was not supposed to confirm reports that President Arroyo’s got fake breasts… until former press secretary Ignacio Bunye organized his own press con and in an attempt to defend his former boss, he told the press, “There are two sets of breasts. One was real, the other was fake.”

Unconfirmed reports say former senator Luisa Ejercito had come to the defense of President Arroyo on the issue of breast augmentation. Speaking before some members of the media, the ex-first lady called on the public to respect Mrs. Arroyo as “a leader” and “as a woman.” Ejercito then excused herself, and said, “Maiwan ko muna kayo. Magpapalit lang ako ng ilong.”

It’s confirmed! Twenty years ago, President Arroyo had a boob job. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he said, “Eh ano namang masama dun? ‘Buti nga may trabaho ‘yong tao.”

Light Bites
Q: How did the issue of the president’s breast augmentation reach the media?
A: It “leaked.”

Q: Before the president’s boob job, how did the First Gentleman’s friends call him?
A: Sawimpalad.
Q: After the president’s boob job, how was he called then?
A: Kapuspalad.
(Note: Subject to confirmation.)

Top 20 Movie Remakes About the President and Her Breasts

No. 20: Bukas Lulusog ang mga Tala

No. 19: Orapronobreast

No. 18: The Silence of the Lumps

No. 17: Tatlong Taong Walang Juice (Subtitle: Eeew!)

No. 16: I Know What You Did 20 Years Ago

No. 15: Doctor Dodolittle

No. 14: I Still Know What You Did Last Week

No. 13: The Grapes of Rot (Subtitle: Nang Biglang May Tumulo)

No. 12: Sinapo Ka Ngunit Kulang

No. 11: Honey, I Blew Up My Breast (20 Years Ago)

No. 10: An Inconvenient Growth

No. 9: Honey, I Shrunk My Breast (Last Week)

No. 8: The Chronicles of Gloria: The Liar, The Bitch and the Implant

No. 7: Kapag Suso’y Sinugatan

No. 6: What’s Dripping Gloria’s Grapes?

No. 5: There’s Something About Mammary

No. 4: The Devil Wears Fake Bra

No. 3: Sinungaling Mong Suso

No. 2: The Pursuit of Cup-E-ness

And the No. 1 movie remake about the president and her breasts…

The Year of Leaking Dangerously
___________
“B is for Breasts of which ladies have two; Once prized for the function, Now for the view.”
~Robert Paul Smith

Have a productive week ahead!

IMELDA

Birthday Girl
Former First Lady Imelda Marcos celebrated her 80th birthday on July 2. Insisting that she’s nearly broke, she opted to host a very modest party. To give you an idea how modest it was, the candles she used for her cake… were made from her husband’s thighs.

One of the greediest people of all time (according to Newsweek magazine) just turned 80! Imelda Marcos became an octogenarian on July 2, 2009. You know what that means? She can be the next Senate president or mayor of Manila!

Top 10 Ways Imelda Marcos Celebrated Her 80th Birthday

No. 10: Spent hours lecturing her most famous grandson on the bad effects of “ecstasy”

No. 9: Torched hundreds of current and past issues of Newsweek magazine

No. 8: Watched videos of her all-time favorite local reality show, “Born Diva”

No. 7: Laid a wreath of flowers at her late husband’s imaginary tomb at the Libingan ng mga Bayani

No. 6: With daughters Imee, Irene, & Aimee, and Marcos loyalist Cherry Cobarrubias, plus a medium, visited the Manila Film Center and conducted a séance. She sought forgiveness from the “spirits” for whatever “harm I have caused you.”

No. 5: Learned the steps of “Single Ladies” and “Jai Ho” with her favorite dancing partner, PCGG Chairman Camilo Sabio

No. 4: Sponsored a high school essay writing and art contest with the theme, “Tatlumpu’t Anim na Taon ng Martial Law: Kagandahan, Kapayapaan, at Kaunlaran”

No. 3: Visited the metro’s slums to “spread beauty and hope”

No. 2: Defrosted and cleaned her favorite refrigerator… “dahil ayaw ni Ferdie na madumi ang kanyang higaan.”

And the No. 1 way Imelda Marcos celebrated her 80th birthday…

Same as last year: injected herself with a dose of formaldehyde – good enough for another year!

________________
“They call me corrupt, frivolous. I am not at all privileged. Maybe the only privileged thing is my face. And corrupt? God! I would not look like this if I am corrupt. Some ugliness would settle down on my system.”
~ Imelda Marcos

Elsewhere…
President Arroyo and… what? A boob job?! Holy mammary glands Batman! Here’s a titillating report from Newsbreak Online. (And be sure to come back here ‘coz that’s one topic I wanted to feast on next. I mean, the procedure, not her boob!)

Personal
Good news fellow Kobe and LA Lakers fanatics. The Black Mamba will drop by Manila on July 21. Awesome!

Enjoy your weekend!

Survey Says…
Can Prof. Randy David beat President Arroyo in Pampanga?
Definitely: 40%
Maybe: 31%
No Way: 29%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.