FACE OFF

AMERICANS ARE TALKING ABOUT President Barack Obama’s first female Hispanic Supreme Court nominee. Middle Easterners are discussing the opening of France’ first military base in the Gulf. Iranis are preparing to elect a new president. Pyongyang is threatening to launch more nuclear missiles. Seoul is still mourning the demise of a former president. And the Indian community in Sydney is accusing Australians of racism following a spate of attacks against an Indian student. In the Philippines, lawmakers and high profile lawyers are debating on a celebrity doctor’s explicit sex videos! Welcome to RP, the entertainment capital of Asia.

Postscript to a Sex Scandal
For the first time following the spread of their sex video, actress Katrina Halili and Dr. Hayden Kho faced each other at a Senate hearing last Thursday. It was the week’s most intense Senate moment – since the heated exchange between Juan Ponce Enrile and Aquilino Pimentel.

Before the hearing started, a fuming ex-cop and former Pagsanjan, Laguna mayor-turned tabloid columnist Abner Afuang poured bottled water on Dr. Hayden Kho. Senate committee on youth, women and family relations chair Jamby Madrigal was shocked. In her entire adult life, it marked the first time she saw a man get wet.

When former Pagsanjan, Laguna mayor Abner Afuang poured water over Hayden Kho’s head, Sen. Jamby Madrigal shouted, “Please arrest that man. Arrest that man!” Madrigal then wished she could repeat the same exact words soon – as the Senate puts into trial Sen. Manuel Villar Jr.

Members of the senate were surprised by the dousing incident last Thursday. Sen. Panfilo Lacson asked if there was enough security. Sen. Francis Escudero asked if they could hold an executive session. Sen. Lito Lapid asked about the brand of the bottled water.

Cosmetic expert Vicki Belo, who was in Europe, denied spreading Hayden Kho’s sex videos. During the hearing, Belo’s statement was read by her lawyer, Ateneo law graduate, Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila president, former opposition spokesman, and senatorial aspirant Adel Tamano – who was hoping to get ample exposure and media attention at the Senate hearing… until a former cop stole the whole show.

Lawyer Adel Tamano insisted that Dr. Hayden Kho made 40 sex videos but with four women only. Hindi pa man senador, sinungaling na.

THIS JUST IN. The Philippine Movie Press Club has just released the nominees for Star Awards for TV. Along with Startalk and The Buzz, the Philippine Senate received a nomination for Best Showbiz-Oriented Talk Show. Congratulations!

Before and after the Senate hearing, Dr. Hayden Kho – clad in Tide-white polo – granted several one-on-one interviews with various networks and newspaper reporters. Reli German has officially started his job.

In those interviews, Hayden Kho said his behavior might have been triggered by a bad experience with a former girlfriend who slept with four other men including a cousin of his while they were together. He also blamed another ex-girlfriend who allegedly recorded their sexual trysts without his consent. Amazing! I wonder how much money has Vicki Belo poured into Reli German’s PR arsenal to cook up such tales.

During the Senate hearing, Katrina Halili said she thought Hayden Kho was a doctor. She eventually realized he was a director. But after watching those post-Senate hearing interviews, Hayden Kho has exposed his talent in fiction. Brillante Mendoza’s got competition!

Elsewhere: Startalk’s editorial on the Hayden Kho sex video scandal aired last May 23, 2009.

In Other News…
Lim and Afuang
Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim visited former cop-turned tabloid columnist Abner Afuang at the Pasay City jail where he was detained following the dousing incident at the Senate. Lim said, “I want to sympathize and show my support for Abner.” Asked how he felt about Lim’s statement, Afuang said, “I feel like an oil depot.”

Influenza A
Health officials say there are now 14 confirmed cases of Influenza A (H1N1) in the country. But senators are not worried. That’s just 14. What’s fourteen compared to 40 sex videos?

Lakas-Kampi Merger
Administration-allied parties Lakas-CMD and Kampi have merged. But rumors say… this early, the newly-wed parties are already showing cracks… to which staunch opposition senator Jamby Madrigal said, “Awesome! I love cracks.”

Erap’s Comeback Film
Former president Joseph Estrada says he will gauge his 2010 presidential bid on the box-office results of his comeback movie, “Ang Tanging Ama N’yong Lahat.” Pwes! By all means, let us support a mass boycott of that film!

DOON, DITO
Doon… sa South Korea, ang dating pangulong iniimbestigahan dahil sa katiwalian… tumatalon sa building. Patay!
Dito… sa Pilipinas, ang dating pangulong napatunayan ang katiwalian… tumatakbo sa halalan. Patay… tayo d’yan!

Doon… sa Amerika, ang addict sa liposuction, inooperahan ng mga cosmetic surgeon.
Dito… sa Pilipinas, ang addict na cosmetic surgeon, hinahayaang mag-liposuction.

Doon… sa Afghanistan, binabato hanggang mamatay ang babaeng nagtataksil sa asawa.
Dito… sa Pilipinas, ang babaeng nagtaksil sa asawa, binoboto hanggang maging senadora.

Enjoy your weekend!

_______
“Obscenity is the sign of a weak mind trying to express itself.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says…
If Erap would run again for president, do you seriously believe he’ll win?
Not this time: 81%
Definitely, yes!: 19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Congratulations to my Los Angeles Lakers: 2009 NBA Western Conference champions! See you in the finals!

HIGH NA KHO!

Jamby’s Inside Info
Virtually absolving Erik Chua of any liability, Sen. Jamby Madrigal told the press that she knew the identity of the high profile and famous person responsible for the spread of Hayden Kho’s sex videos. Shortly after Madrigal’s statement to the media, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. issued a denial.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she knows the identity of the person responsible for the spread of the Hayden Kho sex videos. She promised to reveal the identity of that person… as soon as she had finished watching Maricar-Hayden Part 2: Now available for download online!

Senate Hearing
Reports say the Senate will start its probe on the Hayden Kho sex video scandal on Thursday. THIS JUST IN! Senators consider postponing the hearing after former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye surfaced and claimed that the videos being sold in Quiapo were fake and that he’s keeping the original copy.

Mommy Kho Breaks Silence
Hayden Kho’s mother, Mrs. Irene Kho appeared on television Monday night and took the cudgels for her controversial son whom she described as “matino, mabait, and disente.” This statement left viewers wondrin’ whether it was Hayden or his mother who’s hooked on drugs.

Mrs. Irene Kho appeared on TV Monday night and blamed actress Katrina Halili, talent manager Lolit Solis, Sen. Bong Revilla, militant women’s rights group Gabriela, and other organizations for her son’s woes. She said, “Ang anak ko pinaglalaruan. Ang anak ko tinatapakan.” Apparently, Mrs. Kho has not seen her son’s lewd videos. Otherwise, she would have said, “Ang anak ko dinadaganan. Ang anak ko kinakain. Ang anak ko inuupuan. Ang anak ko pinapatungan.”

In defending Hayden Kho, a combative Mrs. Irene Kho lambasted Katrina Halili’s “acting,” blamed Lolit Solis and Bong Revilla for the sex scandal, and insisted that her beloved son is “matino, disente, at mabait.” Considering her devotion to Hayden, I wouldn’t be surprised if a video of mother and son starts surfacing soon.

BREAKING NEWS! Mrs. Irene Kho has flatly denied rumors she is somehow related to renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking.

Reacting to Mrs. Irene Kho’s tirades, talent manager Lolit Solis denounced Hayden Kho and called him “coward”, “hypocrite,” “traitor,” and “spoiled brat who went on a tantrum.” Oops, sorry, that wasn’t Lolit Solis. That’s Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile attacking Sen. Aquilino Pimentel Monday.

Pimentel vs. Enrile
After verbally attacking Sen. Aquilino Pimentel, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile resigned Monday as chair of the Senate committee of the whole, which is hearing the ethics complaint against Sen. Manny Villar. On Tuesday however, reports say Enrile will remain as chair. Simply put, Enrile faked his resignation.

Light Bites
Q: What’s the difference between Mrs. Irene Kho and Dr. Vicki Belo?
A: One session of botox

Q: What happens when Vicki Belo gives Juan Ponce Enrile a botox injection without his consent?
A: Ambush makeover

Q: What’s the favorite pastime of Mrs. Irene Kho’s children?
A: “Hayden Sick”

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: A sex video of two impoverished teenage kids doing it inside a pedicab
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Mar Roxas telling one of the kids, “Anak, itabi mo. Ako naman.”

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Manny Villar doing “it” with his wife in a car parked along C5 Road
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Manny Villar doing “it” with an “itik.”
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Manny Villar recorded it on video
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Jamby Madrigal telling everyone she has her own copy of the evidence
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Alan Peter Cayetano defending Manny Villar saying it was consensual.

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Senators enjoying the Hayden Kho videos during an executive session
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Senators Loren and Angara excusing themselves even before the session is over
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Biazon and Enrile get a boner.
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Miriam “gets wet.”
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Jamby staring at Miriam’s crotch.
___________
“Addiction is a symptom of not growing up. I know people think it’s a disease… If you have a brain tumor, if you have cancer, that’s a disease. To say that an addiction is a disease is not fair to the real diseases of the world.”
~C. C. DeVille

ALARMING

Influenza A
The second case of Influenza A (H1N1) in the country has been confirmed… prompting a Malacañang official to quip, “Buti pa ‘yong virus confirmed na. Sina Secretary Lito Atienza at Angelo Reyes, hindi pa.”

In the wake of the Influenza A threat, President Arroyo will visit an elementary school in Manila to spearhead a campaign for hygiene and sanitation in schools in time for the opening of classes on June 1. To demonstrate the fastest and surest way of cleaning up rooms… the president has personally invited Ted Failon and his maids.

Several Catholic Churches in the country have taken steps to prevent the possible spread of Influenza A (H1N1) – such as discouraging the holding of hands during Mass; distributing communion by hand, and advising priests to be less chummy with altar boys.

Catholic churches in the country will discourage the holding of hands during Mass. When Dr. Hayden Kho heard this, he said, “Ayoko nang magsimba!”

H1N1 Scare
With the second case of H1N1 in the country now confirmed, many Filipinos are now observing social-distancing. In fact, Jude Estrada was so alarmed by the news, he now refuses to touch his wife.

The H1N1 threat has become so alarming, Manny Villar refuses to socialize with his fellow senators.

The H1N1 threat has become so alarming, brothers Oscar and Manolo Lopez have stopped talking to each other.

The Hayden Files: A Postscript

In case you haven’t heard, let me tell you that Dr. Hayden Kho has apologized for his actions. He said that recording his sexual trysts was “a lapse in judgment.” Here’s a portion of his “I Am Sorry” speech:

“Mga minamahal kong tagahanga,

For the last several weeks, the issue of the sex videos has spun out of control. Tonight, I want to set the record straight. You deserve an explanation from me, because you are the people who adore me.

I was anxious to chronicle my life and during that time had sex with many women, including a sexy young actress, a commercial model, a beauty queen, two Brazilians, a comedienne (Todo na ‘to mga friends!), and an elderly woman. My intent was not to embarrass them, although it did. As I mentioned, the erection has already been videotaped and the condom inserted. And as you remember, the outcome had been predicted by every major DVD store owner, and adjudged sleazy, obscene and explicit by international observers, and our own OMB.

That said, let me tell you how I personally feel. I recognize that recording the sexual acts was a lapse in judgment. I am shorry. I also regret taking so long to speak before you on this matter. I want to assure you that I have redoubled my efforts to get psychiatric treatment and earn your trust.

Nagagambala ako. Maliwanag na may kakulangan sa wastong pagpapasya ang nangyaring pagrerecord ko ng aking pakikipagtalik. Pinagsisisihan ko ito nang lubos. Humihingi ako ng tawad sa inyo, sa lahat ng mga butihing mamamayan na nabawasan ng tiwala dahil sa mga pangyayaring ito. Ibig kong tiyakin sa inyo na lalo pa akong magsisikap upang malinis ang aking pangalan at matamo ang inyong tiwala.

I now want to close this chapter and move on with the business of entertaining. I ask each and everyone of you to join hands with me in a show of unity, to help forge one Philippine showbiz, where everyone is equal under the law, and everybody has the opportunity to use their God-given talents to make a better life.

Condemn the sin, not the sinner. God bless Philippine showbiz!”

Did you watch GMA 7’s Startalk last Saturday? If not, you have just missed the official launch of opposition lawyer Adel Tamano’s senatorial bid.

Dr. Vicki Belo’s legal counsel, Adel Tamano revealed that someone demanded P4 million from Belo in exchange for her video with Hayden Kho… a claim dismissed as “insane” by DVD vendors in Quiapo who said that their fake Vicki Belo-Hayden Kho sex videos wouldn’t even sell at P20.

Former opposition spokesman Adel Tamano revealed that someone demanded P4 million from Belo in exchange for her video with Hayden Kho. Seriously? Four million for Vicki Belo’s sex video?!? Come on. Who would want to see their grandma banging her driver?

Dr. Vicki Belo’s lawyer Adel Tamano admits that a Vicki Belo-Hayden Kho sex video exists but insists that it was “tamer.” In other words, it wasn’t that hot and steamy; otherwise, Vicki Belo’s nose, jaw, cheeks, boobs, thighs, and tummy would have melted.

Lawyer Adel Tamano says Vicki Belo’s sex video with Hayden Kho was “tamer” – something that was believable since it’s kind of difficult to have sex with a wax figure.

Appearing live on GMA 7’s Startalk, former opposition spokesman Adel Tamano claimed that someone demanded P4 million from Belo in exchange for her video with Hayden Kho. Asked why such a huge amount for her client’s explicit video, Tamano said, “Off the record, 4 million pesos is a relatively small amount as compared to the value of the video’s main attraction: my client’s 5 million peso-rejuvenated twat.”

Light Bites
Q: What goes up when Joseph Estrada and Manny Pacquiao sit down for a talk?
A: Their combined IQ. It becomes 175.

Q: Why does Sen. Lito Lapid refuse to tutor his youngest daughter on Influenza A (H1N1)?
A: He hates algebra.

From a friend:
Q: Ano ang sasabihin mo kapag nag-hi sa ‘yo si Katrina Halili?
A: “Hayden.”
____________
“Hygiene is two thirds of health.”
- Lebanese Proverb

Elsewhere
Congratulations to Filipino director Brillante Mendoza who received the Best Director award for his film “Kinatay” at the recently concluded 62nd Cannes Film Festival. Awesome! He won against Academy Award winner Ang Lee, Academy Award nominees Pedro Almodovar and Jane Campion and acclaimed director Quentin Tarantino. Galing!

Survey Says…
Should the PRC revoke Dr. Hayden Kho’s medical license?
Yes: 67%
No: 26%
Not sure: 7%
We have a new survey. Please vote now.

FRIDAY LIGHT BITES

Oh, what a week!

Just when presidentiables Ping Lacson, Loren Legarda, Richard Gordon, and Mar Roxas thought it would be a “Manny Villar on the hot seat” week, Bong Revilla enters the picture and grabs the limelight. Or as American Idol judge Randy Jackson would say, “Dawg! You came here prepared and you made it your own!”

Before I cap the week off with another dose of light bites…

Have you heard the news? Health officials have confirmed the first case of Influenza A infection in the country! The dreaded virus is definitely here. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he immediately instructed his chief of staff to download Norton or AVG.

Hayden Apologizes
Hayden Kho has apologized for video recording his sexual trysts with different women. He has also volunteered to suspend his practice of medicine… to focus instead on producing “indie” films.

Dr. Vicki Belo finally admits that she also has sex videos with Hayden Kho. Lawmakers are now checking on whether there’s enough law against sexual predators to protect the elderly.

Light Bites
Q: What is over 6 feet vertically and 4.5 inches horizontally?
A: An “excited” Hayden Kho in front of the camera

Q: If Hayden Kho were Manny Villar, how would he make women happy?
A: Double the budget for them

Q: If Hayden Kho were Panfilo Lacson, how would he make women happy?
A: Sunud-sunod na putok.

Q: If Hayden Kho were Richard Gordon, how would he make women happy?
A: Do not rely on his tongue.

Q: If Hayden Kho were Mar Roxas, how would he make a woman happy?
A: Bring her to a noontime show, cry in front of the cameras, and tell her, “Ikaw ang nagpatigil sa aking pagkabinata.”

Q: If Hayden Kho were Jejomar Binay, how would he make women happy?
A: He waits ‘til they get old and then asks them to reside in Makati City

Q: If Hayden Kho were Noli De Castro, how would he make women happy?
A: Simple lang, PAG-IBIG.

Q: How can Hayden Kho make Loren Legarda happy?
A: He cannot. He’s not in his 70s yet.

Q: If Hayden Kho were Mar Roxas, how would he make women happy?
A: Puuutang-i*a! Sinagot ko na ‘yan ah!?!

Enjoy your weekend!

LOOK WHO’S TALKING

Bong, Hayden, & Sex Videos

In a privilege speech Tuesday, Sen. Bong Revilla hit Dr. Hayden Kho for recording his kinky sexual encounters with actress Katrina Halili and several other women. People who have seen the videos say they were really shocked by the sexual acts – although they were more shocked to hear Bong Revilla lecturing Hayden Kho on morality.

Lawmakers, feminists, and even his colleagues in the medical profession slammed Dr. Hayden Kho for the spread of his explicit sex videos. But here’s the strange thing: Sen. Bong Revilla, in a privilege speech Tuesday castigated Hayden Kho for his alleged immoral act. Now that’s like Jose Miguel Arroyo criticizing Ferdinand Marcos for being corrupt.

Sen. Bong Revilla had written the Professional Regulation Commission to revoke the license of Dr. Hayden Kho saying his recent acts were insulting to women. In retaliation, Hayden’s parents wrote the Commission on Elections to do a recount of Revilla’s votes saying his victory was insulting to Filipinos.

After Sen. Bong Revilla’s privilege speech, other senators expressed interest on the issue, and even suggested that a probe be conducted on the “Hayden files”. Panfilo Lacson and Jamby Madrigal, in particular, wanted to know if there was “double insertion.”

The sizzling videos of Dr. Hayden Kho and Katrina Halili so outraged Sen. Bong Revilla he was compelled to bring the issue to the Senate. He was really angry. But if you think you’ve seen Bong at his angriest, wait ‘til he sees the video of Hayden Kho banging Rufa Mae Quinto.

In a privilege speech, Sen. Bong Revilla denounced Dr. Hayden Kho for being a “maniac” – to which the embattled Hayden replied, “Bakit? Sino ba ang may walumpu’t walong anak sa iba’t ibang babae? Ako ba?”

This just in! A cause-oriented group promoting the welfare of senior citizens has begun to draft a statement against Hayden Kho. This is in preparation for the anticipated spread of the Hayden Kho-Vicki Belo sex videos.

Reports say militant group Gabriela will support Katrina Halili if she decides to file a case against Hayden Kho… prompting the celebrity doctor to issue statement clarifying that he’s not an American serviceman.

Vicki Belo was reportedly watching a newscast with a group of highend clients when a portion of Bong Revilla’s speech lambasting her beloved boy toy was shown. The utter humiliation melted her face.

Rumors say Katrina Halili and other women who had sex with Dr. Hayden Kho will surface to tell their side of the story. Yes, they are now ready, and are no longer afraid. To give you an idea how prepared they are, they all agreed to appear in a TV ad called “Ako Mismo… Ang Nasa Video!”

Have you seen the explicit videos of Hayden Kho with his victims? That was like the ghastliest thing Filipinos have ever seen… since the TV debut of Mar Roxas’ “Padyak” ads.

Remember when Jun Lozada was hailed by the UST community when he spoke against the ZTE-NBN deal? They trumpeted the values learned by Lozada from the priests of UST in full-page print ads. I’m wonderin’: was UST alum Hayden Kho absent when the priests taught the same set of values?

Bong & Alec Baldwin

Even before he spoke about, and against Hayden Kho, Bong Revilla was already in the news slamming Emmy Award-winning actor Alec Baldwin for his alleged “racial slur” against Filipinas when he guested on the “Late Show with David Letterman.” Baldwin joked about Filipinas as mail-order-brides. Can you believe it? Neither do I. Bong Revilla watching Letterman?!? ‘Di nga?!

Super Lotto

Nobody has won Super Lotto’s jackpot prize of 116 million pesos… although every lotto bettor who’s seen the Hayden-Katrina videos felt like a winner.

Survey Says…

On the Martin Nievera national anthem brouhaha…

Impose the law: 49%

Law? What law!?: 29%

Deadma: 22%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

___________

“Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it.”

~D.H. Lawrence

GIFTS

Balikatan Fund Controversy
Senate President Juan Ponce-Enrile says the Senate is not keen on investigating the alleged misuse of the budget allotted to the Balikatan military exercises… unless the whistleblower links Sen. Manny Villar to the fund mess.

Politics of Hate
Press Secretary Cerge Remonde appealed to the country’s political leaders, particularly presidential aspirants to end the “politics of hate.” That’s exactly what Mar Roxas had in mind when he decided to use “love” to advance his political agenda.

Aung San Suu Kyi
Foreign Affairs Secretary Alberto Romulo has appealed to Myanmar’s military junta to release from house arrest Nobel laureate and democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyi. To prove its sincerity, the Philippine government has offered to help fast-track Suu Kyi’s release by sending to Myanmar – Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta of the Public Attorneys Office.

Lim & Manila’s Elderly
Mayor Alfredo Lim says starting this May, senior citizens in Manila who are celebrating their birthday shall receive gifts from the city government. The package includes Unilever products, PhP3,000 in cash, and college scholarship for their children and grand children. Lim initiated the project after receiving reports that a number of elderly persons in Manila have started to relocate to neighboring Makati.

Starting May 2009, Manila’s elderly will receive gifts from the city government. When an unidentified old man heard this, he exclaimed, “Thank you Mayor Lim! Thank you Unilever! Thank you 2010 elections!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim has just announced his newest project: senior citizens in Manila who are celebrating their birthday shall receive Unilever products, PhP3,000 in cash, and college scholarship for their children and grand children. Now that the program is in progress, he can now focus on his new project: a TV ad.

Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s Latest Project in Manila

No. 5: “Isang balot na ligaya kapalit ng isang balota.”

No. 4: “Kapag termino’y natapos, regalo ay ubos!”

No. 3: “Suyuin ang matatanda habang maaga! Pigilan ang pagbalik ng pamilya Atienza!”

No. 2: “Ganito kami sa Tondo. Sana ganito rin sa buong mundo!”

And the No. 1 rejected slogan for Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s latest project in Manila…

“Hindi lamang sa Makati may nabobola! May puwede ring utuin dito sa Manila!”

Video Scandal
Another scandalous video involving actress Katrina Halili and Hayden “Careless Whisper” Kho has reportedly surfaced! But here’s the strange thing about it: the scandal took place inside a Comelec rest room!

Light Bites
Q: What has three wheels and flies?
A: A pedicab carrying shit

Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: The shit appears on TV during lunchtime

Q: What do you get when you put Manny Villar in a glass of water?
A: Orange juice!

Q: What do you get when you put Jejomar Binay in a glass of water?
A: A chocolate drink!

Q: What do you get when you put Panfilo Lacson in a glass of water?
A: A gunshot wound.

Elsewhere…
Here are two versions (1) Remittance (2) Affordable – of the controversial LBC TV ad that has generated outrage from various sectors like Migrante International for “falsely educating” children about the sacrifices of OFWs. The ads were created by ASPAC/LAW Advertising Agency.

The geniuses of Aspac could learn a thing or two from the people behind a series of similar advertisements shown on US television a couple of years back. Here it is.

Manila Standard Today’s Vic Agustin has an item on the controversial YouTube video showing the father of a poll automation bidder inside a Comelec restroom.

Lastly, this may be a bit late, but I want to share a really nice piece titled “Systems” written by Conrad De Quiros for the Philippine Daily Inquirer.
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“To drive men from independence to live on alms, is itself great cruelty.”
~Edmund Burke

TROUBLED

WHO’s in Trouble?
Dr. Marcus Halton Hodge, a World Health Organization executive from Australia was recently nabbed at a posh village in Makati City for molesting a 12-year-old boy. Caught with his pants down, the WHO executive said he was just testing his syringe.

The World Health Organization thought Mexico’s swine community was dangerous! Until this Australian pig entered the picture!

And probers say Dr. Marcus Halton Hodge, the arrested WHO official has been in the country for six or seven years and has had sex with several pre-pubescent boys. When former Zamboanga Del Norte congressman Romero Jalosjos heard this, he said, “Ang baboy naman nun. At least, ‘yong sa ‘kin girls!”

Villar in Trouble
Instead of attending the Senate probe on the alleged budget insertion for a C5 project, accused senator Manny Villar opted to explain his side to the media via a Powerpoint presentation. Now, here’s the strange thing about it. He opened the presentation with, “Ito ang C5 road. Ang hindi alam ng marami, ang aking lola, si Apo Matea ay pumasok na construction worker habang itinatayo ang C5.”

Lacson for Prexy
Manny Villar’s adversary, Sen. Panfilo Lacson says he is 101 percent sure of running for president in 2010. That’s right, 101 percent! Lacson is so prepared to run in 2010, he has even drafted a concession speech.

Binay Too
Have you seen the TV ad of Makati City mayor and presidential wannabe Jejomar Binay? In the ad, Binay was trumpeting the services being offered by his administration to his jobless, impoverished constituents: free medicine, free hospitalization, free tuition, free school supplies, free movies, etc etc. And then the ad ends with, “Ganito kami sa Makati. Ganito sana sa buong bayan.” Anong palagay n’yo sa amin, tamad?!

I heard Makati City is adopting a new slogan. It goes “Kalimutan ang mga pangarap. Sa Makati City, masarap maging mahirap!”

Another Rape Victim?
Leftist group Gabriela has presented a 22-year-old woman who claimed she was raped by a US Marine in a five-star hotel in Makati City last month. Nope, she won’t be filing charges. At press time, she’s just there for Gabriela’s presentation purposes.

Light Bites
Q: What’s the difference between a congressman and a vulture?
A: One’s preying on the sick, the dying and the helpless, and the other’s a bird.

Q: What’s the difference between a congressman and a crocodile?
A: The crocodile’s skin has purpose

Q: What’s the difference between a congressman and a crocodile?
A: Kids enjoy watching crocodiles on tv

Q: What did the alligator sing when it saw the congressman and the crocodile?
A: “We are family.”

Elsewhere
Here’s the list of the Top 200 Asian universities according to Times Higher Education QS World Rankings.

Newsbreak has a piece on the search for the next National Artist.

Survey Says…
Are you in favor of Pacquiao’s decision to seek a Congressional seat in 2010?
Yes: 25 %
No: 75%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
_________
“Almost all political campaigns involve falsity and playacting.”
~Rich Lowry

MANNY IN MALACAÑANG

On Monday, May 11, Manny Pacquiao paid a courtesy call on President Arroyo. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he curiously asked, “How much kaya?”

President Arroyo has just named Manny Pacquiao “ambassador for peace and understanding.” His first assignment? To settle the row between Martin Nievera and the National Historical Institute.

Also today, Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales appointed Manny Pacquiao as his “special assistant” on “intelligence affairs.” Gonzales declined to give an answer when asked if Pacquiao was tapped for his intelligence or his affairs.

Labor Day Fair
Did you hear about “Jobapalooza” – the Labor Department’s jobs fair last May 1? As it turned out, Manny Pacquiao submitted two resumés. Now he’s got two new jobs!

Ka Freddie
Laguna Rep. Edgar San Luis has filed a resolution seeking to confer honorary Filipino citizenship on Manny Pacquiao’s coach and trainor Freddie Roach. The resolution has reportedly gained the support of Mrs. Arroyo, the country’s honorary president.

Nene vs. Martin
Sen. Aquilino Pimentel wants to impose a month-long ban on Martin Nievera… something that’s totally unnecessary since the aging singer’s next musical project will not happen until February 2010.

Ako Mismo
The call for transparency with regard to the controversial “Ako Mismo” campaign is getting louder. And nastier. PLDT and Smart have already come out and admitted financing the ad. But irate bloggers demand more transparency. They want PLDT chairman Manny Pangilinan to come out next.

Kiko for Veep
Megastar Sharon Cuneta recently confirmed that her husband, Sen. Francis Pangilinan would run for vice president in 2010. If Kiko wins, Sharon becomes the Second Lady… as she has always been.

Light Bites

Q: What do Lacson’s, Villar’s, Roxas’, Legarda’s, Escudero’s, Fernando’s, De Castro’s, and Binay’s premature political advertisements share in common?
A: Our money.

Q: What is orange and pricey, 6 ft vertically and 19.7 km horizontally?
A: Manny Villar on C5 Road.

Q: What is pink, orange, and black vertically – and blue horizontally?
A: Bayani Fernando, Manny Villar and Jejomar Binay simultaneously peeing on Mar Roxas

Q: What is black and pale, and then, red all over?
A: Jejomar Binay before and after he was placed by Ping Lacson in a blender – alive!

Q: What is brown and white; in public, hold each other tight but four feet apart at night?
A: Jamby Madrigal and French husband Eric Valade

Q: What is black and pink, and red all over?
A: Jejomar Binay and Bayani Fernando after a fistfight

Q: What is blue and pale, and soft all night and goes Zzzzzz…?
A: Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez on their honeymoon

Q: If Mar Roxas, Ping Lacson, Manny Villar, Loren Legarda and Erap jumped together off the tallest building on Ayala Avenue in Makati City, who’d land first?
A: Who the hell cares?!

Q: What is Loren Legarda’s best asset?
A: An ex-husband in jail

Q: What do you call an insect that goes inside Lito Lapid’s skull?
A: A space invader.

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“There are two things people want more than sex and money… recognition and praise.”
~Mary Kay Ash

Personal
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THE RETURN OF THE KING

Pacquiao, H1N1, and Politics
Did you see the networks’ live coverage of Manny Pacquiao’s arrival Friday morning? Because of the swine flu scare, airport personnel became strict with the members of the press. In fact, NAIA officials were so paranoid, Jessica Soho was initially refused entry.

Following a World Health Organization advisory on H1N1, Malacañang was forced to postpone Manny Pacquiao’s motorcade in Manila. You know what that means? Lito and Ali Atienza’s kick-off campaign for 2010 will have to be rescheduled too.

Something strange happened to Manny Pacquiao as soon as cameras started taking footage of his arrival on a very sunny Friday. From black, his shadow became floral.

And did you notice how Ilocos Sur governor Luis “Chavit” Singson clung to Manny Pacquiao wherever he went? He has become too “close” to Manny, Jinkee Pacquiao starts to feel a bit romantically jealous.

Manny Pacquiao reportedly donated 100 thousand pesos to DENR in support of the government’s environmental protection campaign. Of course, his advocacy would be a lot more believable if he starts disposing of some “garbage” around him.

Did you see Aling Dionisia Pacquiao at the airport during Pacquiao’s arrival? No? You’re kidding. Of course, she’s there. It’s just that she had way too much makeover, you’d hardly recognize her.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Airport During Manny Pacquiao’s Arrival

No. 5: “Uy! Si Dyan Castillejo. Ooops, sorry, si Aling Dionisia pala.”

No. 4: “Bakit ‘di magkamukha ‘yong dalawang boys?”

No. 3: “Akala ko ba bawal lumapit ang media? Eh bakit nakapasok si Jessica?”

No 2: “Member ba ng Team Pacquiao si Chavit?”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the airport during Pacquiao’s arrival…

“Hi Secretary! Hi Ali! Saan ang luau party?”

Much Ado About Martin
Martin Nievera has been criticized for singing the Philippine National Anthem the wrong way. To give you an idea how badly he sang it… Freddie Roach’ version was a lot better.

The bad news is Cavite Rep. Elpidio Barzaga Jr. mulls filing a formal complaint against singer Martin Nievera. The really bad news is he’s seeking reelection next year.

In Other News…
Korina Sanchez has bid farewell to her radio program as she takes a year off from ABS-CBN’s news programs (including Bandila) starting May 8 to focus on Mar Roxas’ campaign. The prolonged leave of absence was understandable though because it usually takes a year to prepare for a stunning defeat.

With Korina Sanchez now on leave, Ted Failon will return to their radio program. Members of the Quezon City Police District are losing sleep these days.

AkoMismo Brouhaha
AkoMismo.Org’s online campaign has generated a lot of controversy because of its apparent links to PLDT and Smart Communications. Some individuals who signed up by providing personal information including mobile phone numbers felt they’ve been had. Now, they’re signing up for a parallel campaign initiated by Globe Telecoms. It’s called KayoNaLang.Org.
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“Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous than those of the body.”
~Cicero

AKO MISMO!

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IF YOU WERE GLUED to the Pacquiao-Hatton fight last Sunday, you would have caught the one minute ad of AkoMismo.Org. According to the group’s website, Ako Mismo is about “YOU making a stand and taking real action for the causes you believe in. Causes that you yourself can truly pursue to make a real, positive difference to your fellow countryman, to your country.”

Also aired during the commercial gaps were the “infomercials” of some government officials, advertisements which are now the subject of debates.

Inspired by AkoMismo.Org’s tv ad, the Professional Heckler takes another dig at these premature political advertisements.

Sen. Mar Roxas: May mas lalala pa kaysa sa problema natin sa walang kuwentang panoorin sa telebisyon

Sen. Manny Villar: Sa walang saysay na balitaktakan sa radyo

Sen. Panfilo Lacson: Sa mga halos hubad na babaeng nagsasayaw sa pantanghaling mga programa

VP Noli De Castro: Sa mga paulit-ulit na drama sa hapon

Sen. Loren Legarda: Sa tabloidal na pagbabalita sa gabi

Mayor Jejomar Binay: Sa tsismisan at siraan ng mga artista

Sen. Richard Gordon: Sa milyun-milyong tagapanood ng telebisyon

Sen. Francis Escudero: Sa milyun-milyong tagapakinig ng radyo

Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro: Ang pinakamalalang nakikita ng mga Pilipino

MMDA Chair Bayani Fernando: Ang pinakagrabeng naririnig ng mga tao

Pagcor Chair Ephraim Genuino: Ay ang walang pakundangang pangangampanya ng mga pulitiko

Tesda Director Augusto Syjuco: Atenistang sumasakay sa padyak

Finance Sec. Gary Teves: Senador na sa camera ay umiiyak

Lacson: Opisyal na nakikipag-usap sa teroristang Abu Sayyaf

De Castro: Bilyonaryong humihimas ng itik

Roxas: Bise-presidenteng ginagamit ang Pag-IBIG

Villar: Dating pulis na murder ang posibleng kaharaping asunto

Teves: City mayor na may kasong pandarambong sa husgado

Escudero: Cabinet member na nakisakay sa kasikatan ng isang boksingero

Teodoro: Senadorang papalit-palit ng partido at mahilig sa mga mukhang lolo

Binay: Inhinyerong pilit ginagawang rosas ang nilalakaran mo

Gordon: May balbas-saradong nangangako ng trabaho

Fernando: At may nagbibigay pa ng tips sa parating na bagyo.

Syjuco: Para sa interes ko at ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin

Genuino: Lalabagin ang batas-panghalalan makamit lamang ang adhikain! Sinu-sino nga ba ang mga ito?

Mar Roxas: Ako Mismo!

Manny Villar: Ako Mismo!

Ping Lacson: Ako Mismo!

Noli De Castro: Ako Mismo!

Loren Legarda: Ako Mismo!

Jejomar Binay: Ako Mismo!

Richard Gordon: Ako Mismo!

Francis Escudero: Ako Mismo!

Gilbert Teodoro: Ako Mismo!

Bayani Fernando: Ako Mismo!

Augusto Syjuco: Ako Mismo!

Ephraim Genuino: Ako Mismo!

Gary Teves: Ako Mismo!

At sino ang dapat sisihin kung ang isang tulad ni Manny Pacquiao ay tumakbo at iboto ng mga taong sukang-suka na sa mga trapo at naghahanap ng pagbabago?

ALL: Kami mismo!
________
“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction.”
~Winston Churchill

Survey Says…
Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez announced their engagement on “Wowowee.” Your initial reaction:
Eeew: 64%
So?:19%
Nice: 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

SIMPLY AMAZING

Pacquiao Dominates Hatton
Filipino icon Manny Pacquiao knocked out Briton champ Ricky Hatton in Round 2 of their multi-million dollar slugfest at the MGM Grand Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada. The fight was so lopsided Hatton spent more time on the floor than on his feet.

Manny Pacquiao scored a technical knock out against British boxer Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. That was the fastest thing Pacquiao has done since leaving and re-signing with Solar Sports.

Manny Pacquiao posted his 49th career win when he finished off Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was Korina’s reply to Mar Roxas’ question “Do you want to be my first lady?” She answered, “Yes!” in two seconds.

Manny Pacquiao decked Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. The only thing faster was Daniel Smith’s departure when the Court of Appeals acquitted him of rape.

Manny Pacquiao finished off Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was Manny Villar’s denial that he sought two budget allocations for the same C5 road project.

Manny Pacquiao ended his bout with Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yes, it was that fast. The only thing faster was Ping Lacson’s decision on the ethics complaint against Manny Villar.

Manny Pacquiao demolished Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was how bad karma struck the now cancer-stricken Legacy founder Celso De Los Angeles.

Manny Pacquiao ended his bout with Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was Ted Failon’s instruction to his maids to clean up their house when his wife allegedly killed herself.

Manny Pacquiao felled Ricky Hatton in just 359 seconds. Yup, it was that fast. The only thing faster was ABS-CBN’s acquittal of Ted Failon on his wife’s mysterious death.

Did you catch Sir Tom Jones when he sang Britain’s national anthem “God Save the Queen?” Before the first round could even finish, he was heard singing “God Save Hatton.”

Reports say Metro Manila was almost crime free during the Pacquiao-Hatton bout. The only unlawful acts committed were even seen on TV – the premature electioneering of Villar, Roxas, Lacson, Binay, Legarda, and if you noticed during the bout’s telecast: Teves, Teodoro, and Genuino.

Pacquiao’s mother, Aling Dionisia was in Las Vegas, Nevada during her son’s fight. But the religious mom refused to watch the bout at ringside… because the MGM Grand Arena was charging extra for the Sto. Niño.

The Pacquiao-Hatton fight was officially over before 12 noon. But GMA 7’s telecast ended at 3pm… fueling speculations that the Kapuso network was in a different time zone.

Computer statistics showed that Manny Pacquiao landed 73 of 127 punches, while Hatton made 18 of 78. GMA 7 fared better because it was able to air 150 of the 152 scheduled 30-second TV ads.

Former US President Bill Clinton who visited Pacquiao in the latter’s hotel suite two days before the fight was equally stunned by Pacquiao’s superb punch that felled Hatton. It was the most powerful punch Clinton has seen in years… next only to Hilary’s.

Top 5 Reasons Why Manny Pacquiao Ended the Fight So Quickly

No. 5: He caught Annabelle Rama and GMA executive Wilma Galvante trading dagger looks at ringside. He wanted to prevent a catfight.

No. 4: The next best thing to “rumble” is to gamble. Off to the casino baby!

No 3: ABS-CBN lawyers and Dyan Castillejo were waiting in his locker room. They have a more lucrative offer.

No. 2: So that dozens of Filipino solons in Vegas could go home early and do their freakin’ job!

And the No.1 reason why Manny Pacquiao ended the fight quickly…

He’s fast tracking his retirement. Eleksyon naaaaaaaa!

Postscript
Pacquiao’s demolition of Hatton prompted President GMA on Sunday to declare a “national day of celebration” to honor the feat. Meanwhile, the other GMA, GMA Network that is, declared Sunday a “national day of tv commercials.”

A Royal Call
Did you know that… shortly after Manny Pacquiao’s demolition of England’s Ricky Hatton, Queen Elizabeth was on the phone talking to the People’s Champ? Initially, she couldn’t say a word. And he barely understood her. But people around Queen Elizabeth described her as very happy. Seconds later, she started crying, and that broke Pacquiao’s heart. He terribly missed his youngest daughter – Queen Elizabeth.

And pirated videos of the Pacquiao-Hatton fight have started to sprout in Quiapo. But we warn you: it is a bit more expensive mainly because the total running time is five hours – including commercials!

Check out this YouTube clip featuring the Visayan Hatton.

Light Bites

Q: What is black and blue, and white all over?
A: A British boxer down on the canvas

Q: What is blue, plastic, has three wheels and induces vomiting?
A: A senator on a pedicab

Q: What is blue, plastic, and gets wet on high temperature
A: A senator crying on a noontime show

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician and a really bad lawyer?
A: Two congressmen and a low-key Atenean

Q: What do you get when you cross an intoxicated politician and a physician for the third time?
A: A gay son

Q: What do you get when you cross a soldier and a badminton enthusiast for the second time?
A: A lesbian

Q: What do you get when you cross a French-speaking housewife and a brilliant politician for the fifth time?
A: A tactless blabbermouth

Q: What do you get when you cross an over-ambitious beauty queen and a one-time murder suspect?
A: Martial Law.

_________
“Boxing is a sport at its most brutal, most primitive, and most natural. Two men defending their honor and courage, in a ring surrounded by observers, whose love for the sport is essentially spiritual. Boxing is the last refuge of the modern day warrior.”
~ THOMAS DONELSON, Viewing Boxing from Ringside