PADYAK PA! PADYAK!

IT WAS a ghastly noontime fare that made thousands, if not millions of thinking people ask: what were Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez thinking?

I just saw a clip of the couple’s Wowowee guesting (last Saturday) on YouTube – and I must say, being told about it was far less excruciating than actually watching it myself. The cheesy exchange. The public display of affection. The apparently staged announcement of their engagement. I mean, can anything be more insulting than that? A portmanteau sums it all up: Trapo.

And since we’re on this hot topic, here are the Top 5 “revised copy” for Mar Roxas’ premature political ad “Padyak”:

No. 5
Anak itabi mo.
Ako na.
Sobrang sikip dito sa loob,
Sumasakit ang batok ko.

No. 4
Anak, itabi mo.
Ako na.
Hindi ako ‘kita ng mga tao sa labas.
Palit tayo ng puwesto.

No. 3
Anak, itabi mo.
Kasi naman, kuwento ka nang kuwento, ayan, lumagpas tuloy ako.
Ako na nga!

No. 2
Anak, itabi mo.
Ako na.
Sa sobrang bagal mo, ‘inip na si Korina sa kakahintay sa kabila.
Baka nangangati na ‘yon sa dumi ng hangin dito sa lugar n’yo.

And the No. 1 revised copy for Mar Roxas’ premature political ad “Padyak”:

Anak itabi mo.

Hindi n’yo ‘ko anak!
At lalong hindi ko kayo ama!

Anak, sabi nang itabi mo eh!
Ako na!

Sinabi nang hindi n’yo ako anak eh!
At ‘wag n’yo kaming abalahin. Wala pa kaming kita!

Put*ng inaaaaa! Sinabi nang ako na eh! Bababa ka ba o hindi?!

Postscript: Shocked, the boy and his sister rushed home. The man in blue maneuvered the pedicab across the street, fetched her girlfriend, and together, headed straight to Wowowee studios where the same pedicab was raffled off to a lucky viewer. Maagang pamasko mula kay senador.

Going back to my question: what were Mar and Korina thinking when they guested on Wowowee?

Four numbers:
2 0 1 0.

What else?

________
“One insult pocketed soon produces another.”
~Thomas Jefferson

HOLY FLU!

Swine Flu Virus
The biggest news of the week? The human swine flu virus. And Filipinos are getting worried. In fact, they’ve never been this worried since Mar Roxas announced on “Wowowee” that Korina Sanchez is the country’s next First Lady.

Swine Flu Virus II
The human swine influenza virus has already killed hundreds and infected thousands worldwide. The spread of the virus is alarming. To give you an idea how alarming it has become, for the first time in history, Jose De Venecia and his fellow congressmen are avoiding pork.

Swine Flu Virus III
The World Health Organization has raised the alert level on the human swine flu virus to Phase 4, meaning there is sustained human-to-human transmission of the virus. But senators, congressmen, and other corrupt politicians have nothing to worry about because there has yet to be a documented case of human-to-crocodile transmission.

Solons to Vegas
Reports say a large number of congressmen led by House Speaker Prospero Nograles are flying off to Las Vegas to watch the Manny Pacquiao-Ricky Hatton bout on Sunday. Fact is, if they wanted to debate on Charter Change they can freely do since their number in Vegas constitutes a quorum.

Pacquiao on TIME
Final results of a TIME Magazine survey showed that Manny Pacquiao was voted the 22nd “most influential” person in the world. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this he said, “Influential? Naku, dapat magpa-check up na siya. Baka dahil sa swine virus ‘yan!”

Quintuplets
Did you hear about the 27-year-old housewife who gave birth last Sunday to a set of quintuplets? Yesterday, Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez (as shown on ABS-CBN newscasts) visited the woman and her babies. Roxas and Sanchez became emotional when they saw the babies… mainly because they never expected to see such an adorable bunch of election paraphernalia.

Korina On Leave
ABS-CBN announced that Korina Sanchez is taking a leave of absence from her radio program starting May 9. Ted Failon is wondrin’ why women close to his heart are leaving him.

No to Zoos
Barely-clad female members of the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) staged a protest action at the Manila Zoo to urge the management to release the animals to their natural habitat. Tomorrow, they will picket the House of Representatives to call for the release of some 270 crocodiles in captivity.

No to Zoos II
Four bikini-clad women from the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) picketed the Manila Zoo on Tuesday to urge the public to boycott zoos. Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she would support PETA’s call… only if the women would stage similar protests in five more zoos.

Juday and Ryan Wedding
Judy Ann Santos and Ryan Agoncillo have tied the knot in a very private ceremony in San Juan, Batangas Tuesday morning. Thank goodness they were not running in 2010! Otherwise, the wedding would have been held at the “Wowowee” studios.

Earth Day: A Postscript
A week ago, the world celebrated Earth Day. In observance of the significant event, environmental groups planted seedlings; local governments cleaned up rivers, and Vicki Belo recycled her face.

Elsewhere…

My favorite gossip columnist, Vic Agustin of the Manila Standard Today has written an intriguing article. Do you know Leo Magno?

Newsbreak magazine has an update on the jueteng operation in Ilocos Norte.

And for fellow fanatics of our Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers, you can check out this blog for pre-and post-game analyses.

Personal
The Professional Heckler is on Twitter. Search for either: Professional Heckler or heckler8. See you there. (Of late though, people couldn’t find me there. I tried using the “Find People” button but i myself g0t zero results. Dunno why. Sigh.)
_________
“Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.”
~Buddha

MAR & KORINA

Engaged!
I was at Caylabne Bay Resort in Cavite Saturday when I heard the news. And it made me cringe again. My favorite senator Mar Roxas II and a certain Korina Sanchez reportedly guested on “Wowowee” to profess their undying love for each other. I wasn’t surprised though. Everything that happens in “Wowowee” is just a game.

Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez guested on “Wowowee” where they confirmed their engagement. Seen by millions of Willie Revillame fanatics, the couple was reportedly lovey-dovey on the set… thus making them Wowowee’s best “players” ever.

While being interviewed on “Wowowee” with Korina Sanchez about their love story, Mar Roxas shed tears. So did we.

Asked by Revillame to give a message to her senator-boyfriend, Korina Sanchez said, “Gusto ko lang sabihin kay Mar na kahapon, ngayon at bukas, iyong iyo ako.” Immediately after that statement, AGB Nielsen noted that millions of viewers nationwide either turned off their TV sets or switched to “Eat Bulaga.”

Did you know what happened to “Wowowee” when Mar “Padyak” Roxas and Korina Sanchez guested yesterday? Naging palengke.

Mar and Korina appeared on Wowowee yesterday. Had they guested in the show’s controversial Ultra episode in 2006, no stampede would have happened.

But here’s the latest: the “Wowowee” guesting was just the start for Mar and Korina. They have also been invited to appear on “Kapwa Ko, Mahal Ko.”

Top 5 Answers Given By Korina Sanchez When Sen. Mar Roxas II Popped the Question “Will You Marry Me?”

No. 5: “Handa ka na ba?”

No. 4: “Ako ba’y tanggap na (ng iyong pamilya)?”

No. 3: “Marunong ka pa ba?”

No 2: “Lalaki ka na ba?”

And the No. 1 answer given by Korina Sanchez to Mar Roxas when he asked, “Will you marry me?”

“Kampanya na ba?”

Postscript
After she said “Yes” to Mar, Korina Sanchez asked the senator, “Mahal mo ba talaga ako?” to which he answered: “Put*ng ina naman. Tinatanong pa ba ‘yan?!”

Not to be out-exposed, presidential contender Manny Villar will guest on Susan Calo-Medina’s “Travel Time”. He will tell us the history of C5 road and why it is also called Carlos P. Garcia Avenue.

And Ping Lacson, whose first appearance on “Kakasa Ka Ba sa Grade 5” was criticized by the Gunless Society of the Philippines and Parents Insist: No Guns (PING) will try to be more wholesome this time. He’ll guest on “Sis.”

Party-List Reps
A fourth Arroyo is now in Congress. Maybe they can now proceed to Cha-Cha’s “fourth mode.”

There are now four Arroyos at the House of Representatives: Iggy Arroyo, Dato Arroyo, Mikey Arroyo, and the newly sworn party-list Rep. Lourdes Arroyo, younger sister of the First Gentleman. The Arroyo family thus enters the record books as the Filipino family with the highest combined pork barrel allocation edging out the Cayetano family: Senators Pia and Alan Peter, and Alan’s wife in Congress, Laarni.

The Arroyo family now has four representatives in Congress – Iggy, Dato, Mikey and Lourdes. When people at the Oxford University Press – publisher of the Oxford English Dictionary heard this, they issued a statement condemning the Arroyos for their brazen attempt to change the meaning of the word “marginalized.”

Thirty-two new party-list representatives have been sworn into office. The new batch of new congressmen includes a representative of the leftist Kabataan Party List. With Bayan Muna, Gabriela, Anakpawis, and now, Kabataan at the Lower House, Jose Maria Sison enters the record books as the lone migrant Filipino with the most number of representatives in Congress.

Breaking News: Anti-communist party-list representative Ret. General Jovito Palparan is guesting in a game show soon. He’ll appear on 1 vs. 100.

Survey Says
Who shall win the fight?
Pacquiao: 57%
Hatton: 35%
Draw: 6%
Others:
Annabelle Rama: 1%
Vit Water: 1%
Chavit: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
______

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

DANNY

Daniel Smith is Free
The Court of Appeals (CA) has acquitted Lance Corporal Daniel Smith of raping “Nicole.” In reversing the lower court’s decision, the appeals court stated: “What we see was the unfolding of a spontaneous, unplanned romantic episode with both parties carried away by their passions and stirred up by the urgency of the moment.” Or as “kanto” boys would say, “libog lang ‘yan.”

Daniel Smith has been acquitted by the Court of Appeals. CA justices believe that Smith must be released right away because he’s innocent, he has to start a new life, and he needs to lose some pounds.

In its decision, the Court of Appeals described as “deceptive posturing” the portrayal of Nicole as “a demure provinciana lass.” If it’s any consolation, only Nicole’s lawyer believed her.

Acquitted of rape by the Court of Appeals, Lance Corporal Daniel Smith is reportedly on his way back to the US. When Suzette “Nicole” Nicolas heard this, she said, “Naku teka, kailangang magpa-parlor.”

Did you see Sen. Mar Roxas’ reaction on TV when he heard the news that Daniel Smith immediately left the country after being acquitted by the CA? Roxas said, “Mismong sa sariling bansa natin ay binabastos tayo.” Wait a minute. Did he really say that? Does he even know how we feel whenever his “padyak” political ad is shown tv? ‘Yon ang paulit-ulit na pambabastos!

ABS-CBN Slammed
Media critics slammed ABS-CBN News for its biased and “over the top” coverage of the Trinidad Etong-Ted Failon case. But ABS-CBN President Charo Santos-Concio immediately apologized, and vowed, “Sa Maala-ala Mo Kaya episode namin next week, gagawin naming homicidal summa cum laude graduate si Ted. At ‘yong mga pulis naman, good people na. Promise.”

________
“Justice is always violent to the party offending, for every man is innocent in his own eyes.”
~Daniel Defoe

EARTH DAY

April 22 is Earth Day: a chance to promote love of nature: plants, animals, and the environment. In celebration of this event, the Supreme Court issued a ruling expanding the country’s largest crocodile farm. It allowed 32 additional party-list representatives to sit in Congress.

Of course, the Lower House was in Earth Day mood too. As if the same farm was not big enough, a House of Representatives panel approved yesterday a measure raising the maximum number of lawmakers from 250 to 300.

Likewise, Sen. Mar Roxas observed Earth Day. I know what you’re thinking. But no, he didn’t go for a pedicab ride to work. Instead, when he saw a guy threw garbage at Edsa, minura niya ito.

Former congressman Ted Failon whose wife was cremated yesterday observed Earth Day in advance. Last week, he had his house cleaned up.

Additional House Members
Because of a Supreme Court ruling, the Lower House now has a record number 55 party-list representatives. Isn’t that ironic? While the Lower House is adding 32 more… our senators are killing one another.

House Speaker Prospero Nograles says 32 additional solons means an additional 2.57 billion pesos in pork barrel allocation. That’s 2.57 billion pesos! Or as Sen. Manuel Villar would describe it, “Budget for 10 C-5 road projects.”

The Lower House has 32 additional party-list representatives and controversial retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. is one of them. The country has so many party-list groups… even human rights violators are represented.

Retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. of the anti-Communist group Bantay is now a member of Congress. When Jose Maria Sison heard this, he immediately ordered the deployment of additional security for Satur Ocampo, Teddy Casiño, Liza Maza, Luzviminda Ilagan, and Rafael Mariano.

Loyalists of Joma Sison in Congress vowed to block the entry of retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. to the House of Representatives. They described him as “a butcher, a killer, and a human rights violator” – traits that qualify him for a post in the NPA leadership.

Retired Army Major Jovito Palparan Jr. of the anti-Communist party-list group Bantay is now a member of the House of Representatives. Asked what excites him the most as a congressman, Palparan replied, “ambush interviews.”

Pacquiao-Hatton Fight
Reports say seats for the Manny Pacquiao-Ricky Hatton fight on May 3 (Manila time) are almost sold out. In fact, there are more available seats now at the House of Representatives compared to the MGM Arena.

Wilma Galvante vs. Annabelle Rama
Talent manager Annabelle Rama appealed to her fellow Visayans to join her in a rally outside GMA 7 to demand the resignation of her “enemy,” GMA 7 Senior VP for Entertainment TV Wilma Galvante. But Rama was forced to cancel the rally… when only Cerge Remonde showed up.

For the aborted rally against GMA 7 executive Wilma Galvante, talent manager Annabelle Rama announced on TV a hotline where her fellow Visayans could call her. The toll free number: 1-908-1-SCHIZO.

Quote of the Weak
“Satanas ‘yang Wilma na ‘yan! Satanas ‘yan! At hindi ako titigil hangga’t malaglag ‘yang bruha sa GMA! Walanghiyang bruha na ‘yan!”
~Talent manager Annabelle Rama talking about her adversary, GMA 7’s Senior VP for Entertainment TV Wilma Galvante in a radio interview

(Note: The Professional Heckler has just received information that Annabelle Rama usually eats garbage for merienda. ‘Yan po ang dahilan kung bakit ganyang kabaho ang lumalabas sa bibig niya.)

But in all fairness to Ms Rama, the feisty mom observed Earth Day yesterday… by not opening her mouth for one hour.

Personal:
Two readers of this blog have informed me that Philippine Star columnist Federico Pascual re-printed my post CHICKEN CROSSING today, April 23 in Phil Star but attributed the write-up to someone else. Grrrrr.

Elsewhere…
Where in hell did Loren and Angara go? These senators made me laugh. (Thanks to Rem for sending me the link.)

_________
“We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.”
~Native American Proverb

FIGHTERS

Notter Is Free
International Committee of the Red Cross member Andreas Notter is finally free. It just goes to show that good things do happen when the hostage prays, the military pursues, and Richard Gordon shuts the f*ck up.

Twin Victories!
Nonito Donaire and Brian Viloria scored convincing victories in their respective bouts Sunday. GMA 7 and Solar Sports aired a super delayed telecast of the event but boxing-obsessed fans still waited to see both fights. To give you an idea how obsessed have we become with boxing… yesterday… at the Senate, Manny Villar and Ping Lacson tried to knock each other out.

Being probed by Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s ethics committee on the alleged C5 road double funding, Sen. Manuel Villar delivered a fiery and emotional privilege speech yesterday. He took a swipe at Lacson’s alleged links to murders; Miguel Zubiri’s alleged cheating in the elections; Jamby Madrigal’s questionable ethics, and Mar Roxas’ “girlfriend na bira nang bira.” Later in the evening, Villar’s staff discovered that the senator inadvertently read the draft of a speech intended for next year’s “miting de avance.”

Mar and Korina
Did you hear the news? Sen. Mar Roxas reportedly introduced Korina Sanchez to his relatives on his mother’s side during a recent reunion of the filthy-rich Araneta clan in Bago City, Negros Occidental. It marked the first time in his political career that Roxas formally introduced to close family members… a potential election endorser.

Mar Roxas told the press, “Korina is so much a part of my life and so much a part of my heart, it’s only natural for her to be here also.” Of course, it was just coincidence that all these things are happening months before his biggest political battle.

Something awkward happened when Mar and Korina attended the Aranetas’ reunion in Negros the other day. When Roxas was told that he must introduce Korina to some 1,200 members of the Araneta family, he yelled, “Put*ng inaaa… ang dami naman!”

Something more awkward happened at the Aranetas’ reunion in Negros recently when a research team sent by SWS conducted a survey on the 1,200 family members. When the results were tallied, Mar Roxas placed sixth!

But the most awkward moment actually happened last year when Mar introduced himself to Korina’s relatives. Mar said, “Good evening everyone. From the beautiful city of Bago, Negros Occidental, I am Manuel Roxas II and I believe in the saying ‘If there’s a wheel, there’s a pedicab!’ I thank you!”

The PAO Chief
Talking about introductions, remember PAO Chief Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta? When she heard the news that Ted Failon’s wife was shot, she rushed to Ted’s house and said, “Hi I am Attorney Acosta of PAO. I am not making promises but I will try my best to convince the president to grant you a pardon… just in case.”

I am sure you know Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta of the Public Attorneys Office. She’s the one who fought for the release of Ninoy Aquino’s murderers. She was also photographed with priest killer Roberto Manero when the latter was released a few years back. Reports say Acosta cried when Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales called her “crazy” following her “legal counseling” of Ted Failon. Asked if Gonzales’ allegation was true, Acosta who was then crying, smiled… and then cried again, and then smiled.

Annabelle, Again
Annabelle Rama reportedly watched Sunday’s “The Flash and the Furious” boxing event. After watching both fights, Rama told the press, “Dong, ridi na ko! Iharap mo sa ‘kin sina Joanne Maglipon at Wilma Galvante dong.”

Breaking News!
It’s official! Annabelle Rama has replaced Kris Aquino as the Filipinos’ favorite pastime.

__________
“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
~Spencer Johnson

CHICKEN CROSSING (2009 EDITION)

THEY MADE guesses in 2007. They gave their two cents’ worth in 2008. This year, they will again try to answer the age-old question: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Here’s why according to some local political personalities, government officials, and celebrities:

1: Joseph Estrada: “Binantaan ko ang manok. Kapag hindi kayo nagkaisa ng iyong mga sisiw sa pagtawid… ako na mismo ang tatawid at iiwan ko kayo sa kabilang side ng kalsada.”

2: Sen. Manuel Villar: “What road? C5 or Carlos P. Garcia Avenue?”

3: Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “I absolutely had nothing to do with it. My conscience is clear.”

4: Sen. Manuel Villar 2: “What chicken?! Itik ‘yon!”

5: VP Noli De Castro: “Bakit ka lilipad pa kung kaya namang maglakad na?

6: Cong. Jose De Venecia: “I will not testify even if the Senate conducts a probe on that matter. I’ve already corroborated the statement of my son who saw the chicken when it crossed the road.”

7: Sen. Mar Roxas: “Put*ang inaaaaaa! Ano bang tanong ‘yan?! Paanong ‘di maglalakad ‘yon eh hindi naman siya marunong sumakay sa padyak?!”

8: First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: “I don’t care about the chicken. I am more concerned about the road. I think it needs repair. When is the bidding?”

9: Satur Ocampo: “Bilang protesta sa pang-aabuso sa karapatang pang-hayop ng mga multinasyonal at dayuhang korporasyong katulad ng KFC, Texas Chicken, Kenny Rogers, at McDonald’s.”

10: Ted Failon: “The chicken was having some problems. It tried to commit suicide by crossing that very dangerous road.”

11: Quezon City Police: “We’re not sure yet if it crossed the road or not. The path where it allegedly crossed was apparently cleaned up thereby contaminating the evidence.”

12: ABS-CBN: “Let us respect the privacy of the chicken.”

13: DOJ Sec. Raul Gonzales: “That chicken is crazy!”

14: Sen. Richard Gordon: “I was able to talk to someone from the other side of the road and he confirmed that they’re holding the chicken hostage. There’s proof of life.”

15: Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro: “The good senator is endangering the life of the chicken. He should let the task force do the talking.”

16: Bro. Eddie Villanueva: “Jeremiah Chapter 9, Verse 10: I will weep for the mountains and wail for the desert pastures. For they are desolate and empty of life; the lowing of cattle is heard no more; the birds and wild animals all have fled.”

17: HK Magazine columnist Chip Tsao: “You’re a nation of chickens!”

18: Public Attorneys Office Chief Persida Rueda-Acosta: “Why not? It has served its minimum sentence. Allow it to walk free!”

19: Subic rape victim Suzette “Nicole” Nicolas: “To marry!”

20: Alabang Boys: “To parteE!”

21: Pampanga Gov. Ed Panlilio: “To quarry!”

22: DOJ State Prosecutor John Resado: “I will answer that question only if you deposit 1.6 million pesos to my BDO account.”

23: Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo: “Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo ako kilala? Ako si Boyet Fajardo! Fashion designer ako, hindi sabungero! At ‘yang put*ng-inang manok na ‘yan ay walang kuwentang hayop!”

24: Manny Pacquiao: “ABS-CBN lawyers made the chicken do it.”

25: Annabelle Rama: “Ang kapal ng mukha ng manok na ‘yan. Matapos kong bigyan ng patuka, siniraan pa ako sa mga alaga kong sisiw! Idedemanda ko siya dong! At sasampal-sampalin ko pa ‘pag nakita ko! Sinimulan n’ya ‘yan… tatapusin ko!”

26: Wilma Galvante: “I helped the chicken cross the road yes, but I categorically deny asking for eggs in return. Hindi kami nasusuhulan dito.”

27: Dr. Hayden Kho: “I am not exactly sure why but I do have proof that the chicken crossed the road. I videotaped it secretly.”

28: Dr. Vicki Belo: “I told the chicken: if you want to look like Piolo Pascual or Dingdong Dantes, stay with Belo. But if you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to other side of the road.”

29: Madam Auring: “Nakikita ko… nararamdaman ko… gaganda ang buhay ng chicken this year. Mangingitlog pa siya nang marami.”

The next day…

Tabloid headline: “Manok… nasagasaan, patay!”

And due to insistent public demand, I’d like to belatedly add another answer to the question: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

30: Sen. Lito Lapid: “All of the above!”

Have a productive week ahead!

Survey Says…
Who’s got the worst TV ad?
All of them were bad: 63%
Roxas: 27%
Villar: 6%
Lacson: 4%

We have a new survey question. Please vote now.

ETONG SA ‘YO!

The Failon Shooting Case
Trinidad Arteche Etong, wife of broadcaster and former congressman Ted Failon died after sustaining a gunshot wound to her head. Some people couldn’t believe it was suicide. Others couldn’t believe it was homicide. And some couldn’t believe that “Teodoro Etong” was Ted Failon’s real name.

Ted Failon was tested negative for gunpowder residue. This morning, probers have announced that his wife Trina’s paraffin test also yielded negative results. Cops are now facing a blank wall. And Sen. Panfilo Lacson has issued a statement denying any involvement in the shooting.

Following the Failon household shooting, I just realized how really bad the economy had been for some people. The economy is so bad Ted Failon is now seeking the help of the Public Attorneys Office.

Public Attorneys Office (PAO) chief Persida Rueda-Acosta, whose office is mandated to help poor Filipinos, rushed to the defense of former congressman and broadcaster Ted Failon. In fact, the PAO chief has been so supportive of Failon, she has already assured him of a “future” presidential pardon.

Even before probers could finish their investigation into the shooting of Trinidad Etong, controversial PAO Chief Persida Rueda-Acosta said in a press conference that as far as her forensic consultant is concerned, Etong committed suicide. Next week, Acosta will also call a press conference to announce her findings that Ninoy Aquino had himself murdered.

For helping Ted Failon, Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales says PAO Chief Persida Rueda-Acosta is crazy. He should know. He’s her counterpart.

Former president Joseph Estrada says beleaguered former congressman and ABS-CBN anchor Ted Failon is still being considered by the opposition as a potential senate bet in 2010. But due to the huge amount of publicity he’s been getting following the shooting of his wife, Failon now considers running for president instead.

The Quezon City Police District has an ongoing probe on the shooting of Ted Failon’s wife Trina. The National Bureau of Investigation has also started a parallel investigation. Not satisfied with both probes, ABS-CBN has ordered the SOCO Team of Gus Abelgas to conduct another.

The Senate has reportedly concluded its probe on the controversial ZTE-NBN deal. Having run out of avenues to grandstand, they will soon open its investigation into the shooting of Trina Etong.

Reports said Ted Failon was mocked and teased by policemen while undergoing gunpowder tests. Failon now knows how President Arroyo feels whenever he is onboard at DZMM.

ABS-CBN anchor Ted Failon claimed that financial problems prompted his wife Trinidad to commit suicide. Loved ones of Legacy founder Celso De Los Angeles have started to strictly monitor his movement.

Investigators say Ted Failon’s wife sustained a gunshot wound to her head. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he said, “Gunshot wound?! Grabe naman! Na-recover ba ang patalim?”

________
“Suicide is man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me – I quit.””
~Bill Maher

WE’VE ONLY JUST BEGUN

Erap’s Picks
Earlier this week, former president Joseph Estrada revealed the opposition’s 12 potential bets for senator in the 2010 national elections. Next week, he will reveal the names of 108 more – for the remaining nine factions of the opposition.

Ex-president Joseph Estrada has bared the opposition’s list of 12 potential bets for senator in the 2010 national elections. President Arroyo’s staunch ally – Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago was included in the list, to which the feisty senator said, “Nakakaloka!”

Former president Joseph Estrada has announced the opposition’s 12 possible bets for the 2010 senatorial polls. The list includes broadcast personality Teodoro Etong a.k.a. Ted Failon – something that didn’t really come as a surprise since Failon is affiliated with the only genuine opposition group in the country today – “ABS-CBN Party.”

Erap has bared the names of the opposition’s 12 potential bets in the 2010 senatorial elections. Liberal Party’s Mar Roxas II has also revealed his party’s three possible senatorial candidates. Asked why he picked only three, he said, “Bakit? Kasya ba ang labindalawa sa pedicab!?”

And did you hear the latest? Born Again Christian leader and presidential aspirant Eddie Villanueva has likewise picked his 12 bets for 2010. He declined to name all but he nonetheless identified four: John, Matthew, Simon, and James.

Bong Revilla’s Plans
Bong Revilla has decided not to seek the vice presidency in 2010. Revilla said he was happy and satisfied being an actor, a TV host… and a part-time senator.

Bong Revilla said he would no longer run for vice president in 2010. Making that decision was by far, his biggest accomplishment yet as a senator.

Bong Revilla has also confirmed that his actress wife, Lani Mercado will run for a Congressional seat in Cavite next year. Caviteños are now wondrin’ if they’ve done something bad against the Revillas to deservr such a harsh punishment.

The First Canine
The White House has a new pet! America’s First Family, the Obamas just bought a six-month-old Portuguese water dog. That was big news in the US! But here? That’s nothing. Malacañang has its own lucky bitch since 2001.

The First Canine II
People at the White House got so excited when they heard about the arrival of the Obamas’ new pet dog. That’s the exact sentiment felt by Malacañang staff when Jinggoy first arrived at the palace in ’98.

The First Canine III
There’s a new pet dog at the White House! But that’s nothing compared to Malacañang’s three rabbits.

ChaCha Survey
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 66 percent of Filipinos are opposed to a proposal to amend the Charter that would allow President Arroyo to extend her term. If it’s any consolation, a whopping 88 percent are in favor of seeing her inaugurate new road projects in Ifugao every week.

GMA’s Wish
Of course, you’re aware that President Arroyo celebrated her 62nd birthday last April 5. But guess what, she’s now accepting gifts and surprises for her 63rd birthday next year. Do you know what’s on top of her wish list? An “advance party.”

De Venecia on Party Merger
Former House Speaker and Pangasinan Rep. Jose De Venecia Jr. warned that the proposed merger of Lakas-CMD and Kabalikat ng Malayang Pilipino (Kampi) could lead to a disaster. Come to think of it, JDV has a point… because the last time Lakas and Kampi solons merged, his Speakership bid had disastrous results.

Senate of the Philippines vs. Villar
Remember the controversial C-5 road extension project in Paranaque City, which received double allocation in the 2008 national budget? The Senate ethics committee headed by Panfilo Lacson has found the case against former Senate President Manny Villar over this road project “sufficient in form and substance.” For the interest of those who do not understand those terms, when you say “sufficient in form and substance,” it means… brace yourself guys: the election season has officially begun!

Wanted: Priests
According to the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines, the country is facing a serious shortage of priests. Hoping to entice young Filipino men to enter the priesthood, the CBCP says the Church is giving seminarians an opportunity to free education, an opportunity to serve the Lord, and an opportunity to become a governor someday.

Despite the serious shortage of Catholic priests, the CBCP has reportedly rejected the idea of accepting gay applicants in the seminary. Senior members of the clergy do not want younger competition.

The CBCP says it is discouraging gays from entering the priesthood. Asked why, a CBCP official said, “Heller! Gusto mong ma-imbyerna ang Papa?!”

In Entertainment…
Actor Richard Gutierrez filed a 25 million peso-libel case against entertainment website Philippine Entertainment Portal for the site’s inadvertent uploading of an unverified news report that Gutierrez got involved in a brawl with a fellow actor. Rumors say, if the actor wins the case, he’ll use the money to buy something special and essential for his mom – breeding.

BREAKING NEWS (April 17, 2009):
Lawyers of Annabelle Rama have issued a cease-and-desist order to prevent the Philippine Entertainment Portal from printing anything and everything on or about Richard Gutierrez because of the barrage of negative comments they generate against the Gutierrezes. Because of this development, the latest illustrated edition of Merriam-Webster will carry the photo of Annabelle Rama and family… beside the word “insecure.”

Kata-Quote!
‘‘I’m running for vice mayor but I don’t know yet under which party.’’
~ Actress and Councilor Aiko Melendez on her plan to seek the second highest political seat in Quezon City

Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today columnist Antonio Abaya wrote:
“… for the protest movement to gain the participation of the crucial middle class, trapos (like Erap) and Communists should be excluded from its leadership. I am glad that some people are finally realizing the validity of that limitation.” Read the complete article here.

_____________
“Never vote for the best candidate. Vote for the one who will do the least harm.”
~Frank Dane

FORCES

Semana Santa: A Postscript
The so-called “Holy Week” is over. You know what that means? After cleansing their souls, senators and congressmen will be back again soon to dirty themselves up in preparation for next year’s Lent.

It’s Easter Sunday. You know what that means? Manny Villar will be very busy selling “itik” eggs.

Reports say a total of 29 Filipinos were crucified on Good Friday in different parts of the country in an effort to imitate the suffering of Jesus Christ. However, a majority of extremely devoted Catholics have also refused to be crucified believing that the same degree of suffering can be achieved by repeatedly watching Mar Roxas’ “padyak” advertisement.

Advance Party
As we all know, eight close aides of President Arroyo died after the Bell 412 helicopter they were on crashed in the mountains of Ifugao province amid bad weather last week. Wait a minute. I thought they were the president’s advance party? How come the president’s still here?

Canceled Summit
Asian leaders were evacuated by helicopter from the East Asian summit venue in Pattaya, Thailand after pro-Thaksin protesters breached security barriers forcing the postponement of the event. Philippine president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, a participant in the summit, initially refused to be airlifted. She demanded that an advance party be sent first to her destination – “just to be sure.”

Something weird happened when Asian leaders were whisked off by helicopter after hundreds of anti-government protesters breached security and swarmed into the Asian summit venue in Pattaya, Thailand. When an immediate evacuation by chopper was announced, a majority of the Asian leaders requested that they be airlifted together with President Arroyo.

After the embarrassing cancellation of the Asean Summit in Pattaya, Thailand because of anti-government protesters, Thai Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva promised on Sunday to restore law and order in the municipality. To neutralize the unruly mob, Vejjajiva is seeking the help of their king. But if the situation worsens, he might consider seeking the advice of a certain… Rodrigo Duterte. (Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

Pic of the Weak:
Good Thai or Bad English?

Corrupt Asian Nations
The Philippines has been dislodged by Indonesia and Thailand as the most corrupt Asian economy according to the March 2009 survey by the Political and Economic Risk Consultancy. Six nations are now perceived to be more corrupt than the Philippines. That’s what happens when the First Gentleman “underperforms.”

Moral Force
Supreme Court Chief Justice Reynato Puno is now recruiting members for the newly formed eight man-group called “Moral Force Movement” – to which…
… Archbishop Cruz said, “Moral? Count me in.”

… Panfilo Lacson said, “Force? Pasok ako d’yan.”

… Bro. Eddie said, “Movement? Ang dami ko nang naitayo. Join ako!”

… Loren Legarda said, ““Moral?! Force?! Hay naku! Masyadong biased!”

… Mar Roxas said, “Chief Justice… itabi mo. Ako na! Sama-sama tayo. Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo.”

… Noli De Castro said, “Bakit ka mag-mo-movement pa kung kaya namang tumakbong mag-isa? Sa pag-ibig, walang imposible… bayan!”

… John Osmeña said, “Moral Force?!? Sounds exciting without the M.”

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“Morality is only moral when it is voluntary.”
~ Lincoln Steffens

PRESIDENTIABLES

The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds

The ordeal lasts for only 30 seconds. But it’s enough to make you cringe… and curse. They call it infomercials. But for thinking Filipinos, it’s blatant premature political advertising.

The formula never changed. They would always trumpet their affection and concern for the poor. They’ll carry a baby, mingle with the sweaty, or kiss a toothless oldie. How sweet. How compassionate. How trapo.

Ever wonder what these declared presidential aspirants would say without the aid of a script and sans their trademark hypocrisy?

Tara! Let’s go enter their minds and find out.

Presidentiable Manuel Villar
“Bata pa lang ako inambisyon ko nang yumaman. Kaya nagsikap po ako. Tiniis ko ang buhay bilang tindero ng hipon at isda sa Divisoria hanggang sa makaipon at makapag-aral sa kolehiyo. Sa UP, nakilala ko ang ubod nang yamang si Cynthia Aguilar. Nagsipag ako sa panliligaw, at nagtiyaga ako kay Cynthia, kaya’t kami ay naging magkasintahan at ‘di kalaunan ay naging mag-asawa.

Dahil sa ibayo pang sipag at tiyaga at sa tulong na rin ng yaman ng pamilya Aguilar, napalago ko ang sarili naming mga negosyo. Kaya ngayon, heto: nakahiga kami sa limpak-limpak na salapi. Sabi nila, lahat ng tao, may utang. Wala raw taong walang utang. Mali po. Ako walang utang. Kaming mag-asawa, walang utang. Kaya‘t sa darating ng eleksyon, gusto kong mabawasan naman kahit konti ang aming kayamanan. Ipapamahagi namin ito sa mga nangangailangan. Sana, isa ka sa masuwerteng maambunan.

Manny Villar po…. gustong maging pangulo ng Pilipinas. Sa sipag at tiyaga… at sa laki ng perang naipundar naming mag-asawa, ‘yakang-yaka ang kampanya! Hindi po para sa amin ang aming ginagawa, para po ito sa inyo.”

Presidentiable Manuel Roxas II
“Never pa kong nakasakay sa pedicab. Pero nang sabihin ng aking PR agency na kailangan kong sumakay dito for a TV commercial, na-excite po ako. Imagine, apo ng isang dating presidente, dating DTI secretary, dating congressman, at ngayon ay senador, sasakay sa padyak?! Hindi ko yata keri. Pero nagbago ang isip ko nang sabihin sa akin ni Korina, “Mar, handa ka na ba? You need to do this. You know… para kagatin ka ng masa. Just pretend na isa ka sa kanila. Kunwari hindi ka kabilang sa old rich na pamilya. Go ahead honey, padyak your way to the palace!”

So heto po, napapanood n’yo ako ngayon sa commercial na ito driving a pedicab. Mahangin. Maaliwalas. Pero putttttt*ng-ina, ang sakit pala sa tuhod! Pero keri lang. Kung ang kapalit naman nito ay ang tagumpay sa eleksyon, why not?

Mar Roxas po… dating palengkero, ngayon, pedicab driver na. Kapag ‘di pa ko pumasok sa top 5 sa susunod na survey… baka subukan ko naman ang ibang trabaho: street sweeper, construction worker, traffic enforcer, caregiver o kahit macho dancer. Bahala na. Basta ‘wag n’yong kakalimutan… sama-sama tayo. Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo. At lahat nang ginagawa ko para sa bayan.”

Presidentiable Panfilo Lacson
“Bang!
Matapang.
Bang!
May paninindigan.
Bang!
Walang inuurungan.

Ping Lacson po. Simpleng tao. Galit sa ipokrito. Kaaway ng tiwali. Walang sinasanto.
Sa ayaw at sa gusto n’yo, tatakbo ako sa pagkapangulo.
At kung may gustong pumigil sa aking pagkandidato, isa lang ang masasabi ko:
Bang!”

UP NEXT: Loren Legarda, Bayani Fernando, Richard Gordon, Eddie Villanueva, and Noli De Castro
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Briefly Noted
On weekdays at 12:15am, GMA 7’s Super Radyo 594kHz airs the previous night’s edition of its late night newscast “Saksi.” Last Thursday, 12:30 am, something weird or stupid happened. Either Super Radyo’s technicians were sleeping on the job or they’re so excited to go on a vacation. Instead of airing Wednesday’s edition of “Saksi,” the AM station aired the Tuesday newscast. It took them 20 long minutes to notice the faux pas. Hoy gising!

Survey Says
Who would you rather vote for president?
Results:
Wala na lang: 58%
Fr. Panlilio: 26%
Bro. Eddie: 15%
Bro. Mike: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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“The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception, the one who lies with sincerity.”
~Andre Gide

HOLY WEAK!

Semana Santa and Philippine Politics

The House of Representatives plans to stage a senaculo on Good Friday. But they have a huge problem. The play requires only two thieves. There are 238 of them.

The Aquino Family of Tarlac is also holding a senaculo at Hacienda Luisita this week. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the virgin.

And Kris Aquino was assigned to read the seven last words. But the queen of talk complained, “Gosh naman Mom! Seven lang?!? Can I discuss each na lang!”

In Cavite, Panfilo Lacson played the role of Pontius Pilate in a passion play. When the mob shouted “Crucify Jesus! Crucify him,” Lacson told them, “Nahh, that’s time consuming. Shoot him!”

In the Arroyos’ hometown of Lubao, Pampanga, local officials couldn’t agree on who should play who in the upcoming senaculo . So they decided to draw lots. Hayun, sa awa ng Diyos, hanggang ngayon binobola pa rin.

Staunch supporters of Pampanga governor Fr. Ed Panlilio rejected President Arroyo’s offer to play Pontius Pilate in a passion play at the provincial capitol. Asked why, they said, “It’s a risk. Pa’no kung irelease n’ya lahat ng convicts?!?”

Loren Legarda will likewise be active this Holy Week. Dozens of senaculo organizers have invited her. She’s the unanimous choice to play Mary Magdalene.

And did you hear about Mar Roxas’ “panata” this Lenten season? He is doing a Visita Iglesia… on a pedicab.

Under fire for “meddling” in the ongoing Sulu hostage crisis, Richard Gordon refused to play the role of any major character in a senaculo in Olongapo City. He’ll keep it low key this time and will just join the crowd… of weeping women.

At the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters, drug agents were alarmed when palm fronds or “palaspas” went missing. They later discovered that the Alabang Boys powdered the palm fronds and rolled them into cigars. (Wow pare! Miss ko na si Maryjane dude!)

Overseas, Manny Pacquiao was invited by the Filipino community in California to participate in the traditional Pabasa. The People’s Champ did say yes to the invitation but instructed his lawyers to double check the “Pasyon” that he’s gonna read… just to make sure it wasn’t written by ABS-CBN lawyers.

Just so you know… Manny Pacquiao is a devout Catholic. In fact, he already did the station of the cross last month. Three stations so far, to be exact.

In Davao City, Passion play organizers couldn’t find “extras” who were willing to act as thieves. They’re so afraid their mayor would take their roles seriously.

Remember controversial DOJ prosecutor John “Lending Business” Resado? Something weird happened at a senaculo in his native Tarlac when he played the role of Judas Iscariot. When Roman authorities paid him 30 pieces of silver for betraying Jesus, he demanded an additional 1.6 M pesos to be deposited to his BDO account.

If that’s weird, then this one’s insane: when fashion designer Boyet Fajardo played the role of a Roman soldier in a senaculo , he repeatedly slapped the guy who played Jesus, and then ordered everyone in the cast to kneel in front of him or else, he’ll have them fired from the project.

And finally…

This just in! Giant oil companies are hiking pump prices this week… in observance of “Mahal na Araw.”

President Arroyo’s Seven Last Words
(To be delivered on the eve of the next president’s inauguration)

7: “Ama, patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko alam ang aking mga pinaggagawa.”

6: “Sinasabi ko sa ‘yo Mike: Ngayon din ay isasama kita sa aking self-exile.”

5: (To All Filipinos) “Mga anak… ako ang ina n’yo! Ako ang ina n’yong lahat!”

4: “Iggy, Mikey lama sabachthani?’ (Translation: “Mga kaalyado ko sa Kongreso, bakit n’yo ako pinabayaan?”)

3: “Natatakot ako!”

2: “Naganap na!” (Ang inauguration ng bagong pangulo!)

1: “Asawa ko, sa mga kamay mo’y ipinagtatagubilin ko ang mga nakulimbat natin sa palasyo!”

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“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

UP NEXT:
PRESIDENTIABLES: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds

GMA AT 62

Top 10 Ways the President Celebrated Her 62nd Birthday

No. 10: Hosted a Snow White-themed costume party. Guess who came as the 8th dwarf?

No. 9: When the clock struck 12, she wore a polka dot shirt and jumped up and down until she got tired.

No. 8: Participated in the reenactment of the annual Palm Sunday feast to commemorate the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. She played the role of an ass.

No. 7: The same way she spent her 30th birthday. Let’s just say, the First Gentleman has never felt this “young” and exhausted again. (Eeew!)

No. 6: Was invited by a certain Mrs. Pineda to be the guest of honor in a special “President’s Birthday Draw” of a “numbers game” in her native Pampanga.

No. 5: “Nothing much. Ash my father would alwayssh shay, jussht do what ish right. Do what ish bessht. And God will take care of the ressht.“

No. 4: Declined the birthday presents from her children. Instead, she was the one who gave them gifts. For Luli, a book: Herb Kay’s “How to Get Filthy, Stinking Rich and Still Have Time for Great Sex!” For Mikey: an early endorsement for his 2010 gubernatorial bid in Pampanga, and for Dato: his own legislative district in Bicol.

No. 3: Got a surprise production number from her two sons Mikey and Dato, brother-in-law Iggy, and staunch House ally Prospero Nograles. They all performed the cha-cha.

No. 2: Didn’t sleep until 4am hoping she’d get a pre-dawn birthday call from US President Barack Obama.

And the No. 1 way the president celebrated her 62nd birthday…

Ordered the release of another high-profile murderer.

Happy birthday Mrs. President!

______________________
“No one is ever too old to do a foolish thing.”
~ J. Sheridan Le Fanu

Survey Says…
Are you spending the Holy Week outside Metro Manila?
Yes: 66%
No: 27%
Undecided: 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

UP NEXT:Ever wonder what would happen if our presidential contenders dropped the “kaplastikan” in their premature political advertisements, and become genuinely honest about themselves instead? In his next post, the Professional Heckler will bring you: Presidentiables: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds (First In A Series of Suggested TV Advertisements).

Plus: A special Lenten post. Abangan!

PRESSED RELEASE

Hostage Freed
The government says there was no ransom paid to the Abu Sayyaf Group for the release of International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) volunteer Mary Jean Lacaba. Did you know what the terrorists sought instead? Blood donation for their wounded members.

In a phone-patched interview over a TV newscast minutes after Lacaba’s release, Philippine National Red Cross chairman Sen. Richard Gordon said he wanted to cry… but decided to “control” it when he realized he was just on the phone, not on camera.

ICRC volunteer Mary Jean Lacaba was held hostage by terrorists for 77 days. If she were an ABS-CBN reporter, Abu Sayyaf bandits would have been counting millions of pesos by Day 9.

By now you must be all familiar with Sulu Vice Governor Lady Ann Sahidulla – the mediator for the government who facilitated the release of Lacaba. Here’s the strange thing. Ms Vice Governor has access to the Abu Sayyaf lair. She’s been in and out of their hideout. She mingles with them. She talks to them. She negotiates with them. And she does it with so much ease. Is she an “honorary member?”

The Abu Sayyaf terrorists still holding two foreign hostages threatened on Friday night to execute their remaining captives. Infuriated, DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno warned the bandits that if they execute the hostages, the military would execute the Vice Governor.

Sulu Vice Governor Lady Ann Sahidulla is in the news again following the release of Mary Jean Lacaba. She’s been in the news before, when Ces Drilon and her crew were kidnapped… which makes me wonder: does Sulu province even have a governor?

Just a random thought: if the First Gentleman would be doing what Sahidullah does, would he settle for a mere five percent?

Travel Advisory
Canada is advising its citizens to avoid traveling to Mindanao. The Department of Foreign Affairs understood but subtly protested the advisory saying the Philippines is a perfectly safe place for foreign nationals… unless of course, your name is Chip Tsao.

Murder Charges vs. Ka Joma
I’m sure you’ve heard the news. Dutch prosecutors have dropped the criminal charges filed against CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison in connection with the murder of his two former comrades turned critics Romulo Kintanar and Arturo Tabara. Dutch prosecutors decided to junk the charges because the murder weapon was never found – a remote control.

Kidnapping Cases
Anti-crime advocate Teresita Ang-See has noted a rise in kidnapping cases as the 2010 election nears, to which the Sulu Vice Governor said, “Eh ba’t nakatingin ka sa ‘kin!”

Bar Exam Results
San Sebastian Law School’s Judy Lardizabal who obtained her bachelor’s degree in social work from the University of the Philippines topped the 2008 Bar Exams in which five Ateneo law graduates finished in the top 10. When a La Sallista heard this he said, “Sus! Lahat ng mga ‘yan dumaan sa La Salle! Sa’n ba ang venue ng bar exam, ‘di ba sa ‘min?!”

Briefly Noted
Have you seen Mar Roxas’ latest TV commercial where he was shown driving a pedicab? Oh I admire politicians. They never run of out of creative ways to redefine “kaplastikan.”

___________
“RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.”
~ Ambrose Bierce

‘SENSYA NA… TSAO LANG!

“The ‘servant’ is a sacred term. A Hong Kong government official is a civil servant. We are all servants to God, right? I’m now aware that I’ve crossed the line and I offer my public apology.”
~Chip Tsao’s apology aired over ATV Television Tuesday night

Postscript to a “Chip” Column
Parañaque City Rep. Roilo Golez has challenged HK Magazine columnist Chip Tsao to one round of boxing. His wife calls it “courage.” His supporters call it “nationalism.” I call it publicity.

Interviewed on ATV Television, HK Magazine columnist Chip Tsao apologized for calling the Philippines “a nation of public servants.” Dissatisfied with the apology, the president is sending “super maids” to Hong Kong “to teach” him a lesson.

Remember Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s statement during the NBN-ZTE deal probe that the Chinese invented corruption? Chip Tsao said, “Not true! We did not invent corruption. We invented satire!”

The Filipino consul in Hong Kong revealed that “Luisa”, the Filipina domestic helper identified in Tsao’s column was being treated well in the Tsao household. To give you an idea how well she’s being treated, “Luisa” admitted that she’d rather work for Chip Tsao than work for Princess Revilla.

The Bureau of Immigration has ordered airport authorities to prevent Chip Tsao from entering the country, to which the controversial Chinese columnist said, “Duh! Do they even have airplanes there?”

Rumors say Sen. Panfilo Lacson has flown to Hong Kong to hunt down Chip Tsao. He wants to personally thank the columnist for diverting media attention from the Dacer-Corbito murder case.

In Other News
DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno says the three Red Cross volunteers held hostage by Abu Sayyaf terrorists are still alive. Puno adds government soldiers, with their tanks and mortars have surrounded the Abu Sayyaf lair in Sulu. They’ve also invited Cong. Roilo Golez in case the kidnappers prefer hand to hand combat.

Alma Marries Mayor
Parañaque City councilor Vanessa Lacsamana a.k.a. Alma Moreno wed Marawi City Mayor Fahad Salic in a Muslim rite two Saturdays ago. Alma is now officially the city’s Fourth Lady.

Parañaque City councilor Alma Moreno has married Marawi City Mayor Fahad Salic who, according to reports, has three other women. But that didn’t bother Alma who was previously married to another mayor with twice as many.

Annabelle Rama Sued
GMA executive Wilma Galvante has sued talent manager Annabelle Rama for libel. She also asked the court to order the Bureau of Food and Drugs to test Rama’s mouth for salmonella “dahil sobrang dumi ng lumalabas dito.”
________________
“A stiff apology is a second insult. The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.”
~G.K. Chesterton