ANG CHIP MO!

The Professional Heckler believes that blasting China or its people just because one Chinese columnist bullied his Filipina helper and lambasted the Philippines is not the right thing to do since it won’t resolve any issue. Doing so would make us no less different from him. Huwag maging Chip! But yes, I join millions of Filipinos worldwide in condemning the bigotry of this Mr. Tsao.

The latest: Asia City Publishing Group, publisher of the HK Magazine’s print and online editions, where Chip Tsao’s article “The War at Home” was printed has apologized.

But the writer has not. So to you Mr. Chip Tsao a.k.a. To Kit: “Leche ka! Hindi mo kami nakikilala? Punyeta ka! Hindi kami si Boyet Fajardo! Kami ay mga Pilipino! A tapang na tao and we want you fired!”

Chip Tsao & Filipinos
Asia City Publishing Group, publisher of the HK Magazine has apologized following the publication of Chip Tsao’s article titled “The War at Home.” When President Arroyo heard this she said, “Apology axshepted. After all, the releasssh of the article could only be a lapssh in judgment… no?”

Chip Tsao & Filipinos II
Asia City Publishing Group, publisher of the HK Magazine has apologized following the publication of Chip Tsao’s article titled “The War at Home.” When ABS-CBN chairman Gabby Lopez heard this he said, “Suportahan at ipagdasal pa rin natin ang HK Magazine!”

Chip Tsao & Filipinos III
According to Chinese columnist Chip Tsao, the Philippines was “a nation of servants.” When society columnist Malu Fernandez heard this, she said, “True!”

In Other News
It’s official! The Philippines was the top participant among 88 countries that joined Saturday’s Earth Hour, to which Chinese columnist Chip Tsao said, “Hmmpf! A nation of records!”

SWS Survey
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that Vice President Noli De Castro is still the top choice of respondents to succeed President Arroyo. Senators Manuel Villar, Loren Legarda and Francis Escudero are still in the magic 4. And Jejomar Binay is still the dark horse.

Father Robert vs. Bro. Eddie
Activist priest Robert Reyes said, “Ito ang panawagan ko kay Bro. Eddie – natalo ka na eh. Be realistic, natalo ka na.” Bro. Eddie replied, “Eh ba’t ikaw? Kahit walang eleksyon, takbo nang takbo!?!!”

Disturbing
A high-ranking politician is reportedly ill, and “it’s not looking good,” my source said. There were conflicting reports though as to the cause of his health problem. Some say it was liposuction gone bad, others say it’s brain-related. So let’s just wait for the official statement… if at all, he’s gonna issue one.
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“Bigotry may be roughly defined as the anger of men who have no opinions.”
~G. K. Chesterton

DARK NIGHT

Dato Arroyo’s Turf
In case you didn’t know, Camarines Sur Rep. Luis Villafuerte has filed a bill aimed at creating another legislative district in Camarines Sur to accommodate the president’s son Dato Arroyo. And next year, Congress will create another country to accommodate the outgoing president.

Earth Hour
Last night, the country was plunged into darkness for the 2nd worldwide Earth Hour, a global campaign to highlight the threats of climate change. The event lasted for only an hour. If it lasted longer, the threats of climate change would be no match to the threats of robbers, holduppers and snatchers in the metro.

In observance of the second global Earth Hour, lights were switched off last night in at least 647 cities and municipalities in the country. But that figure is expected to go higher next year… once Congress creates Dato Arroyo’s new district in Bicol.

I heard that Manny Pacquiao himself observed Earth Hour. In fact, even before last night, Pacquiao has been switching here and there.

Then there’s the controversial senator Panfilo Lacson. When he was told about Earth Hour, he said, “Kailangang patayin ang mga ilaw for one hour?!?!? Papatayin lang pala eh. Sanay ako diyan!”

Reports say 10 million Filipinos switched off their lights last night. The economy is so bad, one-third of them… permanently.

Something weird happened during last night’s observance of Earth Hour in Makati City. Several minutes before the ceremonial switch off at Tower One on Ayala Avenue, it suddenly went dark. Organizers thought someone switched off the lights prematurely… until they realized – the mayor just arrived.

Talking about weird… it turned out that Sen. Mar Roxas wasn’t aware of the Earth Hour campaign. He was actually in the shower when Korina turned off the main switch in the house. And then he yelled, “ Put*ng-inaaaaaa, sinong pumatay ng ilaw?! ‘Di pa ko tapos!”

Millions of people around the world joined last night’s observance of Earth Hour. Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo was one of them. In fact, he instructed all his employees to participate… or else, he’ll get them fired.

Last night’s Earth Hour event was a huge hit in the Philippines. It was so successful, Meralco is now warning of “Earth Hours” if the Energy Regulatory Commission rejects its petition for a power rate hike.

Local organizers lauded Filipinos for observing Earth Hour last night. The “lights out” event was so successful, one of Joseph Estrada’s mistresses was able to sneak past Loi Ejercito.

Remember the good-looking “Alabang Boys” who are detained at the PDEA headquarters? When the lights were switched back on after the Earth Hour, their burly inmates had a huge smile on their faces.

Bro. Eddie’s New Party
Did you hear the news? Defeated presidential candidate and Jesus Is Lord leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva has launched a new party in preparation for his 2010 presidential bid. It’s called… the Try Again Party.

Defeated presidential candidate and Jesus Is Lord Movement leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva has launched a new movement for a renewed bid at the presidency in 2010. Bangon Pilipinas Movement is gone but his son’s Cibac party list group is still active. I don’t know if you’re counting but Villanueva has been launching groups and movements since he went political. In fact, the number of groups and movements he has formed has eclipsed the number of votes he received in 2004.

This Just In!
Sen. Panfilo Lacson has launched a new party. It’s called “Bang! Pilipinas.”

Sen. Mar Roxas has also launched a new party. It’s called “Put*ang Ina… Babangon Pa Ba ang Pilipinas?!”

And yes, Sen. Loren Legarda has just launched a new party. It’s called “She Bangs Pilipinas.”

Sen. Manuel Villar has launched a new party too! It’s called “Bangon Pilipinas! Bangon Pilipinas!” Notice the double entry?

Guess what! Even non-presidential aspirant Miriam Defensor-Santiago is launching a new party. It’s called “Hibang Pilipinas!”

But the most surprising move yet? DOJ prosecutors have pooled their resources to launch their respective political career. They have formed a new party called, “Bangag Pilipinas!”

Not Running
Jinggoy Estrada says he will not run for vice president in 2010. Good news Pilipinas!

A Brewing Controversy
A reader of this blog sent the link to a column that could trigger a heated exchange between Filipinos and Chinese. But around 4pm, Monday, it was removed by the website. You can still read the article here though. I can’t wait for the Leftists’, especially Joma Sison’s minions’ reaction. Because I’m sure, if the writer was either Briton or American, they’ll be all over the news now condemning him, and trumpeting the Reds’ “nationalism.” Let’s see if they’ve got the balls to denounce the bigotry of their fellow Communist.

Survey Says
Do you think Lacson had a hand in Bubby Dacer’s murder?
Results:
Yes: 76%
Maybe: 17%
No: 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
______________
“The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.” ~Ross Perot

FASHION VICTIM

The Boyet Fajardo Story
By now, you must be all familiar with Angelino “Boyet” Fajardo. But in case you’re not… let me tell you who he is. Boyet Fajardo is the week’s second most unpopular newsmaker – next only to Manny Pacquiao.

The Boyet Fajardo Story II
Boyet Fajardo, the fashion designer who humiliated two Duty Free employees by shouting invectives & expletives at them has apologized. But Fajardo insisted – hurling invectives and expletives at the employees was actually an idea of ABS-CBN lawyers.

Did you hear the news? Boyet Fajardo has apologized to the employees of Duty Free Philippines. GMA 7 is now offering him a TV show.

The Boyet Fajardo Story III
Controversial fashion designer Boyet Fajardo has apologized. Asked why it took him 12 days to say sorry, he replied, “Heller! Pasalamat nga kayo at nag-apologize pa ako! Si Jalosjos nga, 13 years na ‘di pa nag-so-sorry ‘noh!”

Embattled fashion designer Boyet Fajardo has apologized for humiliating Duty Free Philippines employees last March 13. Asked why it took him 12 days to say sorry when he could have done it after two or three days, Fajardo replied, “Two days??? Who do you think I am? Pacquiao?!?”

The Boyet Fajardo Story IV
The employees union of Duty Free Philippines has filed a complaint before the Commission on Human Rights against designer Angelino “Boyet” Fajardo for his outburst inside the store’s outlet in Parañaque City last March 13. Trembling with fear and thinking of the worst scenario, Fajardo has started conceptualizing clothes designs – for inmates.

The Boyet Fajardo Story V
Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo, who humiliated two Duty Free employees has issued a public apology. But his lawyer insisted that the incident was just a “product of creative outburst.” Therefore I conclude, the lawyer is more gay than the client.

The Boyet Fajardo Story VI
Did you know that Boyet Fajardo’s’ “creative outburst” at a Duty Free Philippines outlet in Parañaque City dragged on for nearly four hours? To give you an idea how long the “outburst” was, before Fajardo could even finish his “scene,” Manny Pacquiao has already signed three different contracts with two different networks!

Boyet Fajardo’s “creative outburst” at a Duty Free Philippines outlet in Parañaque City dragged on for several hours. To give you an idea how unusually long it was, “Nicole” was still a Filipina “rape victim” when it started. By the time Fajardo was done, “Nicole” was already an American bride.

The Boyet Fajardo Story VII
Duty Free Philippines rejected the apology of Boyet Fajardo. Embarrassed, the fashion designer will just apologize to Solar Sports and GMA 7.

This just in! The Professional Heckler has just received a call from Boyet Fajardo. The infamous fashion designer clarified that he was not a product of Ateneo. He’s actually a graduate of UST.

Kata-Quote!
“Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo ako kilala? Ako si Boyet Fajardo! At itong put*ng-inang babaeng ito at ang baklang ito ay mga walang kuwentang tao! I want them fired!”
~ Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo’s reaction when, – after presenting an unsigned credit card at the cashier – two Duty Free employees asked for another ID

In Other News…
President Arroyo said that 41,000 people in the Philippines have lost their jobs due to the global recession. The economy is so bad Boyet Fajardo’s boutiques have zero customers for three days now.

Searching for Parad
Aldaber Parad is reportedly wounded. You don’t know Aldaber Parad? Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo siya kilala? Si Aldaber Parad ang bagong lider ng Abu Sayyaf! At ‘yang mga put*ng inang supporters ng Abu Sayyaf at ng mga teroristang bumihag sa Red Cross volunteers ay mga walang kwentang tao! I want them fired (at)!

Abu Sayyaf abductors of three International Committee of the Red Cross members gave authorities until Saturday, March 28, to order the pullout of all government forces in Sulu. Otherwise, they’ll either behead one of the hostages or worse, they’ll be compelled to make “sumbong” to Dick Gordon.

Abu Sayyaf leader Aldaber Parad appealed to fellow Muslims not to condemn their decision to kidnap three Red Cross volunteers. Parad explained that the incident was just a product of their “terroristic outburst.”

WB Road Projects Mess
The Office of the Ombudsman recommended the filing of charges against 17 past and present DPWH officials in connection with the World Bank-funded projects mess. The First Gentleman was not included in the rap sheet but the Ombudsman insisted that some members of the investigating body wanted to actually charge him. Asked how many members went against the First Gentleman, the Ombudsman answered, “Five percent.”

Another Recognition for Pacquiao
Manny Pacquiao has been voted fighter of the year by the Boxing Writers Association of America. The group recognized Pacquiao for successfully fighting Solar Sports and GMA 7 resulting in his winning a contract with ABS-CBN, and then successfully fighting against ABS-CBN and winning back Solar Sports and GMA 7.

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“Bullies are always cowards at heart and may be credited with a pretty safe instinct in scenting their prey.”
~ Anna Julia Cooper

NO DEAL

Panlilio for President?
Pampanga governor Ed Panlilio’s supporters want him to run for president in 2010. Rumors say Panlilio is willing to accept the challenge if and only if every city and municipality in the country would open a quarry site.

Panlilio for President? II
Pampanga governor Ed Panlilio says he won’t leave the priesthood even if he runs for president. But that’s okay. After all, a number of our senators and congressmen didn’t leave the circus when they ran for Congress.

“Alabang Boys” Case
Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez has ordered the filing of charges against high-profile suspected drug dealers Richard Brodett, Jorge Joseph and Joseph Tecson otherwise known as the “Alabang Boys.” State prosecutor John Resado felt so guilty he decided to just return the 1.6 million pesos to the boys’ relatives.

“Alabang Boys” Case II
After more than six months, Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez has finally ordered the filing of charges against the Alabang Boys. When the news came out, Embassy Super Club co-owner Tim Yap received several text messages that read, “We’re sorry for your loss.”

Jalosjos Goes Malling
A couple of days after his release from prison, convicted rapist and former Zamboanga Del Norte congressman Romeo Jalosjos went to the mall. He spent an hour shopping, an hour eating, two hours at the movies, and half a day “strolling” at Toy Kingdom’s Barbie and Bratz dolls section.

Pacquiao Backtracks
A day after insisting that his May 2 fight will be shown on ABS-CBN, Manny Pacquiao backtracked and decided to honor his legally binding contract with Solar Sports. In a period of only four days, Pacquiao became Kapuso, Kapamilya, and Katawa-tawa.

ABS-CBN’s celebration was cut short when Manny Pacquiao decided to honor his contract with Solar Sports. Because of this development, ABS-CBN will no longer give a bonus to Dyan Castillejo.

Inquirer columnist Beth Celis said a lady brokered the aborted deal between Manny Pacquiao and ABS-CBN. Did I say ABS-CBN is no longer giving Dyan Castillejo a bonus?

In a press conference yesterday, Manny Pacquiao revealed that the statement he read during an ABS-CBN newscast insisting that his fight would be shown on the Kapamilya channel was actually prepared by representatives of the network. Sources say the prepared statement was actually drafted by the writers of “Maalaala Mo Kaya.”

Did you see Dyan Castillejo’s futile attempt to get a statement from Manny Pacquiao outside his training camp in Los Angeles? Geez, the rumor must be true after all! Dyan will replace Nicolette Sheridan in “Desperate Housewives.”

This Just In! Sketchy reports say Manny Pacquiao will not be wearing shoes when he fights Ricky Hatton on May 2! You know what he’s going to wear? Flip-flops.

_________
“Lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life.”
~Napoleon Hill

HEINOUS CRIMES

Jalosjos Is Free
Romeo Jalosjos has been released from jail. From ex-congressman to ex-convict.

Convicted rapist and former Zamboanga Del Norte representative Romeo Jalosjos has been released from prison. In another news dismissed as totally irrelevant and unrelated by Jalosjos, ABS-CBN has activated another Bantay Bata hotline.

Freed child rapist Romeo Jalosjos says he will not apologize to his victim. The former solon adds he is no longer interested to meet her again… because at 24, he finds the girl too old.

Former congressman and convicted child rapist Romeo Jalosjos spent 13 years in prison. Upon his release, he immediately checked out his neighbor’s daughter who was only a year old when he was imprisoned.

Did you hear the latest update? Released child rapist Romeo Jalosjos is seeking a retrial of his rape case. This time though, he demands a full reenactment.

In 1997, the court ordered Romeo Jalosjos to pay his victim 400,000 pesos in moral damages. Suzette Nicolas or “Nicole” received 50,000. See the difference between the two victims’ morality value?

The Department of Justice ordered the release of convicted child rapist and former congressman Romeo Jalosjos. Jalosjos’ release is part of the DOJ’s campaign to decongest the New Bilibid Prisons… in preparation for Panfilo Lacson and Joseph Estrada’s looming “arrival.”

The Dacer-Corbito Case
As we all know, former police Senior Supt. Cezar Mancao II, in a sworn affidavit, said that Panfilo Lacson had a hand in the murder of PR man Bubby Dacer and his driver Emmanuel Corbito. But Lacson insisted, “I have absolutely nothing to do with the Dacer-Corbito case.” And his former boss Joseph Estrada said, “I have no motive whatsoever.” O s’ya, s’ya, sige na. Suicide na kung suicide.

In several media interviews, former president Joseph Estrada denied he was the “Bigote” being referred to in the Mancao affidavit. And Jinggoy Estrada added, “Eh, ba’t nakatingin kayo sa akin?”

Remember former police Senior Supt. Glenn Dumlao? To fight his extradition, the penniless fugitive has posted a cash bond of 100 thousand dollars! When Loi Ejercito heard this, she told Erap, “Hay naku! Kanino ka na naman nangutang?”

Did you hear about the planned “senaculo” in San Juan? Both Erap and Lacson volunteered to play Pontius Pilate. They couldn’t wait to wash their hands.

Top 5 Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask Sen. Panfilo Lacson These Days But Couldn’t (Or the Top 5 Questions You Shouldn’t Ask Panfilo Lacson Today … Or Else, You’re Dead)

5: You must be losing sleep these days. Do you feel any pressure right now?

4: Who among the members of the local media have agreed to join your Damage Control Department? (‘Coz it’s gonna be one heck of a job)

3: Do you think Filipinos are this stupid to believe that you are innocent of the twin murders?

2: In your illustrious and notorious career both as a police officer and a politician, have you killed an adversary for political gains, or ordered a subordinate to kill a perceived enemy? If not, how could you lie?

And the No. 1 question you’ve always wanted to ask Sen. Panfilo Lacson these days but couldn’t…

1: Have you seen Karma lately? We heard she’s been looking for you.

Bonus Question:
Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Ramon Tulfo has repeatedly implied in his previous columns that you were gay. Why not?

Caught on Tape:
Designer Berating Lowly Employee?
Who is Boyet Fajardo? Is he the male version of the infamous lifestyle columnist slash OFW-basher Malu Fernandez? You be the judge. Watch this.

Survey Says
Was “Nicole” raped?
Results:
No: 42%
Who cares?: 40%
Yes:6%
Maybe: 6%
Others: 6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
_______________
“You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”
~J. Donald Walters

Have a great weekend!

NICOLE

The day’s biggest news? Suzette Nicolas or “Nicole” is now saying she may have not been raped by Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. She has recunted.

In her sworn statement, Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole stated that she wasn’t sure if she was indeed raped by the American Marine. (Kami rin.)

Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony. And Mike Defensor has just appeared on TV saying, “Don’t look at me!”

I have yet to verify this but I just got word that Suzette Nicolas’ middle name is “Mahusay.” Pinsan daw niya si Udong.

So it all boils down to this. Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony against American marine Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. Smith has reportedly paid 50,000 pesos in exemplary damages and another 50,000 in moral damages. After the recantation though, the court might just reduce the amount paid for moral damages to 50 pesos.

In her sworn statement, Suzette Nicolas or Nicole recanted her testimony against American marine Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. But isn’t that what US President Barack Obama had promised? Change!

Sought for a comment, Nicole told the Professional Heckler, “Change? Yes, I can!”

Susan Nicolas, Nicole’s mother told the press that they have “suffered for so long,” they have “gotten so tired,” and despite joining a number of anti-US rallies, they still don’t know what the letters V, F, and A stand for.

In her sworn statement, Nicole stated that “I may have in fact been so friendly and intimate with Daniel Smith,” and that “we simply just got carried away.” In other words, before Smith went on top of her, they had a “visiting force agreement.”

As you all know, Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony against Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. Her mom says she has left for the US to be with her American boyfriend, a Marine soldier she met in Zamboanga City. Tomorrow, Mrs. Nicolas will release another statement expressing their support for the VFA.

Have you read Nicole’s sworn statement? Before some people accuse me of picking on their school, it’s stated there guys. She’s Atenean!

Nope, there’s no truth to the rumor that the story of “Nicole” will be featured in “Maalaala Mo Kaya’s” special episode called… “Ang Birhen.”

And finally, the economy is so bad… Attorney Evalyn Ursua has just lost her job!

Top 6 Messages Left on Suzette Nicolas’ a.k.a. Nicole’s Voice Mailbox

6: “Hello Suzette! Nanay mo ‘to! Ano ngang number ni Daniel? Nagtatanong ang ate mo!”

5: “Si Attorney ‘to! Naknamput… alam mo ba kung anong kahihiyan ang ginawa mo?”

4: “Danny here. I know you’ve missed me. Wanna visit me tonight?”

3: “Nanay mo ulit ito. May matanda bang kapatid ‘yang boyfriend mo d’yan? Pengeng number!”

2: “Hi Nicole. Sa Inquirer ‘to. Did you see your front page photo today? In fairness, kami lang ang naglakas-loob na iladlad ang pagmumukha mo. Kainis ka na kasi!”

And the No. 1 message left on Nicole’s voice mailbox…

1: “Hello? Shi Shuzette Nicolash ba ito? O iha, pashalamat ka kay Preshedente Obama ‘noh? At leassht, nasha Yu-Esh ka na. Ang shaya-shaya ‘di ba?”

This Just In!
Sketchy reports say former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye is calling for a press con to present the real Nicole. Apparently, there were two.

In Other News…
Last Sunday, convicted murderer Rolito Go was allowed to leave the maximum security complex of the New Bilibid Prisons. That was less than a month after the release of Ninoy Aquino’s 10 killers. Today, reports say, convicted rapist and former Zamboanga del Norte congressman Romeo Jalosjos was ordered released from the National Bilibid Prisons by Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez. When they read the news, North Koreans, Burmese, Cubans, and Uzbeks became green with envy. The Philippines is a “free” country indeed!

Serious Stuff: Money on Manny’s Mind
A reliable source told The Professional Heckler that Solar Sports will file a suit against Manny Pacquiao for breach of contract. This, after Pacquiao reportedly signed a deal with ABS-CBN despite his existing contract with Solar Sports. My source said, “Inilaglag ni Manny ang Solar at GMA 7.” A sports columnist has written earlier that “Pacquiao chose the network because it offered him full media support to ensure victory in the next year’s congressional elections.” Sigh.

Survey Says…
What is the most “jologs” FM station?
Results:
Barangay LS: 50%
101.9 For Life: 30%
Love Radio: 9%
YES FM: 3%
Energy: 3%
Mellow Touch: 2%
Others: 3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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“A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity.”
~ Baltasar Gracia

CONFESSIONS

Lacson, Murderer?
A Philippine Star report said former police senior superintendent Cesar Mancao identified Sen. Panfilo Lacson as the brains behind the murders of publicist Salvador “Bubby” Dacer and his driver Emmanuel Corbito. But of course! It couldn’t be Erap… ‘coz we’re talking here of brains!

Lacson, Murderer? II
Rumors say Sen. Lito Lapid was shocked by the news that a fellow senator masterminded the twin murders. Lapid was heard saying, “Grabe naman siya! Hindi na naawa sa kambal!”

Chinese Boat to the Spratlys
A week after President Arroyo signed the Philippine Baselines Act (which China opposed), the Chinese government sent a state-of-the-art patrol ship to the disputed Spratly islands. To counter China’s bullying act, the government is sending Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago.

Solar Sports: Losing Heat?
Reports say Solar Sports, the network that brings us live PBA games and Manny Pacquiao fights has been losing money lately. It has reportedly implemented pay cuts among its employees and talents including sports commentators. In fact, as a cost-cutting measure, when Manny Pacquiao fights Ricky Hatton in May, Manny himself will be one of the fight analysts. (You know…)

Solar Sports is losing so much money… its PBA coverage will soon be annotated by a deaf mute (image inset a la Kapwa Ko Mahal Ko).

Barbie’s Birthday
Barbie has recently turned 50! Yup, every girl’s favorite doll is half a century old. To give you an idea how old Barbie really is, John Osmeña was only 24 years when he got his first one.

Barbie is now 50 years old! Yup, every girl’s favorite doll is half a century old. To give you an idea how old Barbie really is, Jamby Madrigal was only a year old when the first Barbie doll came out, and she found it boring.

Personal
I am so back. After spending almost a day at the Makati Medical Center (two hours of which I was sedated), my doctor had some great news for me. My colon is 100% healthy. I got so concerned I wasn’t able to sleep for two nights thinking of the worst thing that could happen after the procedure. I was so bothered and scared! As a matter of fact…

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost forgot he was agnostic.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost wrote something positive about controversial Ateneans in government.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost sought presidential wannabe Bro. Eddie Villanueva for a pray over session.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he felt he was Sen. Panfilo Lacson (these days).

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost sent his story to “Maalaala Mo Kaya.”

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost went to Ayala Avenue and shouted, “Puuuuut*ng-ina! Ano ba ‘to!”

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost borrowed money from State Prosecutor John Resado’s lending business.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost took prescription drugs from the Alabang Boys.

The Professional Heckler was so bothered and scared he almost renamed his blog and called it “Happy Battle II.”

And lastly, here’s something you should know. The Professional Heckler became holy when he visited Makati Medical Center today. You know why? ‘Coz that experience scared the hell out of him! (Ay, corny!)

[Seriously… guys, thank you so much for the messages of concern. I appreciate it.]

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“Murder is always a mistake – one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner.”
~Oscar Wilde

SURPRISE CALL

Obama and the President
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. To give you an idea how surprising and unexpected it was, ISAFP agents failed to press the “Record” button.

Obama and the President II
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. The call was totally surprising and unexpected, President Arroyo was compelled to put Cesar Mancao on hold!

Obama and the President III
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. To give you an idea how surprised the president was, when she answered the call, she said, “Hello… Barci! Oops, I am shorry.”

Obama and the President IV
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. Rumors say it was lengthy conversation. To give you an idea how long it was, Cesar Mancao was forced to hang up and even threatened to revise his affidavit.

Obama and the President V
Reports say presidential daughters Sasha and Malia Obama have yet to receive their new puppy from US President Barack Obama. Maybe that’s the reason why Obama phoned President Arroyo. He’s looking for a “tuta.”

The Latest Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro topped the latest Pulse Asia survey with a 19 percent preference rating. He was followed by Sen. Francis Escudero, 17 percent, Joseph Estrada, 16 percent, Sen. Manuel Villar, 15 percent, Sen. Loren Legarda, 12 percent, Sen. Manuel Roxas II, 7 percent, and Sen. Panfilo Lacson, 6 percent. Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay got 2 percent while MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando got only one percent. The First Gentleman was luckier. He got five percent.

Enrile and the House
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile has proposed to increase the number of congressmen from 250 to 350. Enrile’s proposal is contained in his Senate Bill No. 3123 or An Act Establishing Metro Manila’s First Ever Crocodile Farm.

Duterte and the Military
Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte is reportedly fuming over the alleged human rights abuses of the military. Apparently, Duterte is threatened by the competition.

Personal
My date with my doctor has been rescheduled. I just had blood extraction yesterday. It was less painful than I expected. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be back at the Makati Medical Center. Heckling continues Tuesday.

_________
“Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”
~Ambrose Bierce

The Professional Heckler will undergo a medical procedure. A new blog entry will probably be posted Sunday night.

Have a safe weekend.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEC

The Legacy Group Hearings
Caroline Hiñola, former chief executive officer of Legacy Consolidated Plans Inc., bared that SEC commissioner Jesus Enrique Martinez received bribes from Legacy founder Celso de los Angeles. Asked if the allegation was true, Martinez replied, “Of course not! Anong palagay n’yo sa akin state prosecutor?”

According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, SEC commissioner Jesus Martinez is a member of the Citizens’ Battle Against Corruption or Cibac, an anti-corruption group of Jesus Is Lord Movement founder Eddie Villanueva. Martinez, who has been accused of accepting bribes, didn’t deny his affiliation with Cibac but clarified that he only followed Brother Eddie’s advice, “Seek and you shall find. Ask and you shall receive.”

In case you haven’t heard, the S-E-C has changed its name. S-E-C now stands for Security in Exchange for Commission.

Parañaque City First District Rep. Eduardo C. Zialcita admitted receiving millions from Celso De Los Angeles, but he said it was a donation for his public service programs including free coffins, free burial services, free feeding programs, free medical services, free tuition, and free housing projects. Now you know: De Los Angeles is the acting congressman of Parañaque City’s 1st District.

Parañaque City First District Rep. Eduardo C. Zialcita explained that the millions of pesos he received from Legacy Group founder Celso De Los Angeles was used for his public service programs including free coffins, free burial services, free feeding programs, free medical services, free tuition, and free housing projects. When DILG execs heard this, they asked De Los Angeles: “Mayor ka ba ng Sto. Domingo, Albay o ng Parañaque City?”

Beleaguered SEC commissioner Jesus Enrique Martinez was allegedly given a house by Legacy Founder Celso De Los Angeles. But Martinez insisted it was legal… because he’s a “constituent” of Parañaque City Rep. Eduardo C. Zialcita.

Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile announced that he would file a resolution seeking the removal of all officials of the Securities and Exchange Commission for their “alleged ineptness, inefficiency, inutility, and lack of effort.” Enrile’s announcement alarmed SEC Chief Fe Barin, SEC commissioner Jesus Martinez and Senator Lito Lapid.

Malacañang & Francis M
A tabloid headline said: “Francis Magalona, pararangalan ng palasyo dahil sa makabayang pagkanta.” You know who else might receive a palace citation dahil sa kanyang pagkanta? Former senior superintendent Cesar Mancao!

Meralco and Manny Pangilinan
Manny Pangilinan’s PLDT group has acquired 10% of Meralco. So be prepared. Whether you like it or not, malapit nang maging prepaid ang kuryente! (Me na me talaga!)

Inmate Escapes
An inmate of the Manila City Jail bolted from detention Tuesday morning after a hearing at the city hall for his murder trial. The inmate explained that he escaped from jail to check on his wife after receiving news she was cheating on him. Nope, the inmate’s name isn’t Tony Leviste.

Showbiz and Economy
Rumors say actor Jomari Yllana and alleged singer Pops Fernandez broke up because of financial problems. That’s how bad our economy is. And just to prove that our economy is much worse, Pops Fernandez has dropped collagen lip injections for live bee sting.

Did He Really Write That?
Columnist/TV host Butch Francisco wrote about the Q&A portion of the recently concluded Bb. Pilipinas 2009 pageant in the Philippine Star. A portion of the column goes:
“But while grammars were correct and their sentences were well put together and made for pleasant listening, most of the answers were lacking in substance. Very Chiz Escudero — you know, nice to listen to, but is there actually anything there?”
(Ouch! Come on Chiz supporters, what can you say about that?)

Did She Really Say That?
“Ang mg labi po ni Michael, ni Francis ay iki-cremate bukas ng madaling araw.”
~ Saksi anchor Susan Enriquez reporting live seconds after showing Michael V’s tearful tribute to Francis M during last night’s necrological service

Did She Really Say That? II
Bb. Pilipinas-World 2009 winner Marie Anne Umali’s reply to Gen. Alexander Yano’s question, “What is your idea of fun?”:
“Well, my idea of fun is when you’re being, when you’re leading a positive outlook in life, and you’re happy for what you are, and confident of who you are and what you are, then, then therefore it is my idea of fun.”
(Fun nga!)

Survey Says
Are you in favor of the Right of Reply Bill?
Results
No: 43%
Yes: 26%
What’s that?: 30%
Others: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
_________
“It is essential to seek out enemy agents who have come to conduct espionage against you and to bribe them to serve you. Give them instructions and care for them. Thus doubled agents are recruited and used.”
~Sun Tzu

THE NEXT EPISODE

ABS-CBN’s Statement
Finally, ABS-CBN has issued a statement on the “Maalaala Mo Kaya” controversy and personally, I appreciate the network’s admission of its mistake. Part of the statement reads:

“Be that as it may, and after careful deliberation, MMK realizes that its writing and research pool may have been remiss in one thing—verifying with UPLB the veracity of the indicated facts of the letter sender. Having said that, MMK sincerely apologizes for the oversight.”

Amen!

This incident should serve as a lesson to its researchers and writers. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, nananahimik lamang. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, umiiyak o tumatawa lamang sa mga ginagawa n’yong kuwento sa inyong palabas. Maraming tagapanood: NAG-IISIP.

Top 5 Proposed Plots for the Next Episode of ABS-CBN’s “Maalaala Mo Kaya” (With Episode Title Suggestions)

No. 5:
Title: “Gamot”
Synopsis: Three summa cum laude graduates who belong to affluent families from Ayala Alabang Village couldn’t get a job. So they resorted to peddling drugs to equally wealthy patrons. But they got caught and jailed. Not used to staying in adverse environments like claustrophobic and dilapidated detention cells, they lost their minds. Authorities subsequently released them. However, the traumatic experience was too much for the rich kids, they never regained their sanity and became a trio of “grasa boys.”

No. 4:
Title: “Batchmates”
Synopsis: Two summa cum laude graduates from the Ateneo de Manila University were appointed to sensitive government posts. They were batchmates and friends from way back. They defended each other in legal battles. They were really that close. When male summa cum laude almost died after a heart surgery, female summa cum laude got so depressed. She eventually lost her mind and became a “babaeng grasa.” Male summa cum laude recovered. But when he discovered what happened to female summa cum laude, he himself sank into depression, lost his mind and became a “taong grasa.”

No. 3:
Title: “Abono”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Ateneo De Manila University robbed a government-owned bank and stashed away some 728 million pesos. He divided the loot among his friends – fellow thieves – who were running for elective posts that year. Hunted by authorities, he fled the country and worked in a fertilizer factory in Russia. Latest reports say his daily exposure to chemicals affected his health, specifically his brain. He eventually lost his mind and became a “lalaking grasa.”

No. 2:
Title: “Cellphone”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Assumption College became the country’s second highest-ranking government official. One day, she received a “magical cellphone” from the devil. The devil said she could use the cellphone to call anyone she wanted in order to win a hotly-contested presidential election. It turned out to be true! When the high-ranking female government official phoned an election official, her lead automatically ballooned to one million votes. She won the elections. However, the excitement brought about by the victory proved to be detrimental to her mental health. She eventually lost her sanity and became a “babaeng grasa.”

And the No. 1 proposed plot for the next episode of “Maalaala Mo Kaya”…

Title: “Rehas”
Synopsis: Ten convicts in the assassination of a former senator were granted executive clemency. The murdered senator’s high-profile daughter was deeply shocked by the decision of the president whom she supported during the elections. When she learned about the decision, she went into hysterics on national TV, convulsed live in front of the cameras, lost her sanity (which has always been unstable to begin with), and never recovered. She eventually became a “babaeng grasa.” By the way, that high-profile daughter? She was a summa cum laude graduate of the Ateneo De Manila University.

In Other News…

Mancao To Tell All?
Former senior superintendent Cesar Mancao of the now defunct Presidential Anti-Organized Task Force (which was used to be headed by Panfilo Lacson) is reportedly coming home to reveal everything he knows about the Dacer-Corbito double murder case. Some people are worried though because Mancao is telling his story via ABS-CBN’s “Maalala Mo Kaya.”

Legacy Group
After testifying against Celso De Los Angeles, two former employees of the Legacy Group were not able to sleep for two nights. Yup, two nights. But that’s nothing compared to Panfilo Lacson who hasn’t slept for a week.

Jude’s Wife
According to tabloids, former presidential son Jude Estrada’s wife Rowena is pregnant. The Catholic Church is checking on the possibility that this could be the second case… only the second case of Immaculate Conception in the history of Christianity.

Eraserheads Concert
A few days before the first Eraserheads reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s mother died. A day before the second reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s good friend Francis died. Utang na loob, no more third reunion concert please!

Did She Really Say That?
“Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano’ng itetext n’yo?”
~ Saksi anchor Vicky Morales to Joey De Leon at the wake of Francis Magalona
(Heckler says: Ang dapat na tanong Vicky, ‘Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano po ang gagawin n’yo kapag bigla ‘siyang nag-reply?’)

Have a great weekend!

_________
“Research is formalized curiosity. It is poking and prying with a purpose.”
~Zora Neale Hurston

UPLB REACTS TO MMK

UPLB to “Maalaala Mo Kaya”:
“Set the record straight”

UPLB has issued an official statement to ABS-CBN Broadcasting Corporation in light of a recent episode of their “Maalala Mo Kaya” program which inadvertently cast a bad light on the University and its constituents:

“Our attention has been called by constituents and alumni to an episode featured in Maala-ala Mo Kaya entitled “Blusa,” which was aired on ABS-CBN on Feb. 28 and on TFC recently. Our constituents and alumni were concerned whether the episode was based on truth.

The story was of a woman who allegedly graduated BS AgriBusiness, summa cum laude, from the University of the Philippines Los Baños or UPLB, who could not find a job, and ended up a stripper. We tried to find out who the subject was by tracking all 27 of our summa cum laude graduates from the time the University was established in 1909. We could not find anyone matching the subject as portrayed in “Blusa.”

Whether or not the subject was a UPLB graduate, we deeply sympathize with her and her family. However, in the interest of maintaining its reputation as a truthful storyteller, the MMK should have a mechanism to validate claims by letter senders especially those that require a stretch of imagination as to be believed.

While indeed touching and a perfect example of a human-interest story, “Blusa” regrettably affected the reputation of UPLB as an educational institution and its constituents and alumni. We therefore request ABS-CBN to set the record straight and correct the wrong impression that it created among its viewers. We also make an appeal to producers of similar programs to be more prudent in reporting stories with claims that would affect the reputation not only of a school but also of its alumni in the Philippines and abroad.

Thank you.”

(Thanks to Prof. Stella Tirol for sending the statement to The Professional Heckler.)

MALALA NA KAYA?

Postscript to an Insulting ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya’ Episode

The Professional Heckler has just confirmed after verifying from the University of the Philippines that ABS-CBN’s “Maala-ala Mo Kaya” indeed sensationalized its February 28 episode about a UP alumna (BS Agricultural Business Management, not Agriculture major as previously stated here) who, according to the drama anthology finished summa cum laude but failed to get a job and became a night club dancer. The summa cum laude claim of “Maalaala Mo Kaya” was a sham, a deception, isang malinaw na pagkakamali kundi man tuwirang panloloko sa mga tagapanood ng naturang programa. Earlier today, I was able to talk Prof. Ma. Stella Tirol, Office of Public Relations Director of UP Los Baños and apparently, they have drafted a statement as regards the issue. Nope, no summa cum laude graduate from UPLB or from any other UP unit became a night club worker because she couldn’t get a job. That’s just ridiculous. Hopefully, Professor Tirol could email me the statement today so I could post it here.

So what now Ate Charo? Malala na Kaya?

OMG! (Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez)

It’s March!
Can you believe it? It’s already the third month of 2009! What does that mean? Graduation day, summer, beach, bodies, and of course, fire! March is Fire Prevention Month. And to usher in the strict observance of Fire Prevention Month, arsonists had to torch the Baguio City Public Market.

Under Fire
An impeachment complaint has been filed against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. I know what you’re thinking. What?! Atenean na naman?!

A day after an impeachment complaint was filed against her, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez held a press conference. Yup, she faced the media. That was really unusual… because normally, Ateneans who are under fire run to St. Luke’s first.

As the Philippine Daily Inquirer described it, former senator Jovito Salonga of the Liberal Party, “came out of retirement” just to file the impeachment complaint against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. Judging from her reaction though, looks like even Ninoy Aquino’s resurrection will not make her quit.

Former senator Jovito Salonga of the Liberal Party “came out of retirement” to file an impeachment case against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez… to which the feisty Ombudsman said, “I’ll never quit my post… kahit si Mar Roxas pa ang mag-come out!”

Press Secretary Cerge Remonde insists Malacañang is keeping a hands off stance on the Gutierrez case. To prove it, they all went to Boracay and enjoyed the beach while Gutierrez faced her accusers.

Top 5 Things to Tell Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez That Could Possibly Make Her Quit

5: “If you resign now, we’ll let you go to Belo. But if you stay, we’ll forcibly bring you to Calayan. Now, who do you wanna look like?”

4: “St. Luke’s Medical Center has just released an advisory. Kapag may nangyari daw sa ‘yo during an impeachment trial, never ka nilang i-a-admit! So quit now!”

3: “Jose ‘Joseph’ Estrada, Jose De Venecia, Jose Miguel Arroyo, Jocelyn ‘Jocjoc’ Bolante, Celso De Los Angeles. Do you seriously want to be their muse?”

2: “Aalis ka ba sa puwesto o mumurahin ka ni Mar Roxas in public?”

And the No. 1 thing to tell Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez that could possibly make her quit…

1: “Maawa ka naman kay Senator Salonga. Mag-ootsenta’y nuwebe na ‘yong matanda. Isipin mo na lang tatay mo siya. Isipin mo na lang anak ka niya. Isipin mo na lang nakikiusap ang ama sa anak. Isipin mo na lang huling pakiusap na niya ito. Isipin mo na lang last chance mo na ito para mapaligaya siya. At isipin mo na lang isasadula ng “Maalala Mo Kaya” ang buhay mo. Kakaawaan ka ng publiko. Makikisimpatiya sila sa ‘yo. At muling babango ang pangalan mo. So ano? Magreresign ka ba o hindi?!? Punyeta!”

GMA in Boracay
President Arroyo was in Boracay the other day. Or as Albay Governor Joey Salceda would say it, “bitch on a beach.”

Resado In the News Again
Embattled State Prosecutor John Resado insisted that the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency did not conduct a buy-bust operation on the group of suspected drug dealers known as the Alabang Boys. Relatives of the Alabang Boys described Resado’s latest testimony as, “honest,” “credible, “ and “worth 1.6 million.”

Have you heard the rumor? The Alabang Boys have fired their lawyers. You know why? Because the boys just realized State Prosecutor John Resado was doing a much better job compared to them.

Euro General
“Euro general” and former PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz has strongly denied rumors he had been implicated in the fertilizer fund scam. The rumor was apparently fueled by a tabloid headline that said: “Ex-comptroller De La Paz, nag-abono!”

_________
“Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?”
(Who will guard the guards themselves?)
~ From Satire VI of Roman Poet Juvenal

THE YEAR OF WRITING/TALKING DANGEROUSLY?

The Right to Reply Bill
Senators Mar Roxas, Francis Escudero, and Loren Legarda, original signatories to the Right of Reply bill have withdrawn support for the measure. In appreciation of the trio’s sudden change of mind, the Philippine Daily Inquirer has invited them as guest storytellers in the paper’s regular Read-Along Sessions. You know what they’re reading? “Ang Alamat ng Balimbing.”

Sen. Francis Escudero, co-author of the Right of Reply Bill has flipped-flopped. Escudero said he realized two things: one, it was a mistake to support the bill, and two, it’s an even bigger mistake to displease the media a few months before the 2010 elections.

Senator Mar Roxas has withdrawn his support for the Right of Reply bill. He arrived at the decision after having a bad dream. In the nightmare, he sees a copy of the Inquirer, the Star, Malaya, and Daily Tribune with identical banner headlines that read: “Put*ng-Ina!” – Roxas. Then the very next day, the banner headlines of the four broadsheets read: “Put*ng Ina Mo Rin!” – Malacañang.

And Loren Legarda? I would not even talk about Loren Legarda. Considering her track record, it would have been more surprising if she didn’t change her mind on the issue.

Sen. Lito Lapid couldn’t understand why the media is opposing the Right of Reply bill. The Kampampangan lawmaker believes that everyone has the right to reply… as long as “meron siyang load.”

Top 5 Things We Wouldn’t Want To Read in the Papers, See on Television or Hear on the Radio Once the President Signs into Law the Right of Reply Bill

5: Inquirer Special Issue: One Thousand Readers React to Ramon Tulfo

4: Ngayong Sabado sa Imbestigador: Inireklamong Pulis, Inireklamo si Mike Enriquez

3: The Philippine Star Special Paid Advertisements Edition: Ang Dating Daan vs. Iglesia ni Cristo: Sino’ng tunay na gago, tarantado, sira-ulo at manloloko?

2: Ted & Korina vs. Mike & Gloria: Live! Gabi-gabi sa ABS-CBN Primetime Bida

And the No. 1 thing we wouldn’t want to see on TV once the president signs into law the right of reply bill…

1: Startalk and The Buzz Present: FACE/OFF Calayan vs. Belo… (Seventh in A Year-Long Series)

Dangerous Roads
A study conducted by the United Nations Children’s Fund last year revealed that the country’s roads are the most dangerous in Asia. In close second were the roads in Ateneo.

Speed Limit
Remember MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando’s declaration last year that there is no speed limit on Edsa? Nope, he’s not backtracking. But here’s the latest: Fernando is imposing a speed limit… at the parking lot of Ateneo de Manila.

You’ve heard about Ma. Theresa Torres, right? She’s the driver of the vehicle that killed the Atenean fourth grader last week. According to her lawyers, upon her release, the family will bring Theresa to a convent for “counseling.” A convent? Seriously? Since when did our nuns become experts on driving and traffic rules? (For chrissake, bring her to an LTO seminar!)

You think Ateneo roads are dangerous? Think about its alumni! (You know who they are!)

Oreta Gets Post
Defeated administration senatorial candidate Tessie Aquino-Oreta has been appointed chief of the newly-formed “Early Childhood Care and Development Council.” The council will focus on children six years and below – the age group that will most likely appreciate… her talent in dancing.

Belo vs. Boy: A Postscript
Boy Abunda has reportedly forgiven Dr. Vicki Belo. He made the decision after several hours of staring at himself in the mirror.

Briefly Noted: Malala Na Kaya?

People have been asking me to react on the episode of ABS-CBN’s Maala-ala Mo Kaya last Saturday. It tackled the story of a summa cum laude agriculture graduate from the University of the Philippines who couldn’t find a job and ended up as a nightclub dancer. Firstly, that’s the very reason why I do not watch local soaps or drama anthologies. It’s full of bullshit. Secondly, is our economy that bad? Believe me, even if Bangladesh registers an economic growth thrice that of the Philippines, no summa cum laude graduate from UP would end up working as a stripper because she couldn’t get a job! Thirdly, no agriculture major student finished summa cum laude in the last two, three or even four decades. Lastly, I am 101% certain that the episode writer didn’t graduate from UP and knew absolutely nothing about UP. The ignorance was annoyingly insulting, and appallingly stupid.

Survey Says…
What social networking site do you prefer?
Results:
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Friendster: 25%
Multiply: 21%
G4M: 4%
Downelink: 1%
MySpace: 1%
Others:1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

______________
“Some of the press who speak loudly about the freedom of the press are themselves the enemies of freedom. Countless people dare not say a thing because they know it will be picked up and made a song of by the press. That limits freedom.”
~Geoffrey Fisher</aof