LET THERE BE LIGHT

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Light Bulb Jokes: Pinoy Version

How many senators does it take to change a light bulb?
Fourteen. One to change it, and 13 to keep the ladder steady.

How many senate presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Senate presidents don’t last as long as light bulbs.

How many Filipinos does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred thousand to 1 million. But that was during Cardinal Sin’s time. Today, few people notice the burnt out bulb.

How many Malacañang officials does it take to change a light bulb?
What change? Its bulb life is until 2010. Let it expire!

How many presidential contenders from the opposition does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If more than one wanted to change it, Erap will just do it himself.

How many members of the House committee on justice does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends. How much?

How many press secretaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But he needs a lot of prayers to ensure the thing will work beyond its bulb life.

How many Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter. Light bulb or none, they refuse to see the light.

How many De Venecias does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One: a son to bid for a change in light bulb, and the other, a father to lobby for his son’s bid.

How many Villars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Which one? There are two identical light bulbs.

How many Lacsons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to shoot the old bulb out, and one to screw the new one in.

How many Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don’t have light bulbs. They have chandeliers.

How many Madrigal scions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
There’s no way you could force them to change a light bulb together.

How many Miriam Defensor-Santiagos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. As long as the extent of space between the lower and upper interior surface of the room is proportionally manageable vis-à-vis the distance from the base of the phalanges to the cranium.

How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Don’t be too negative. Darkness per se is not bad.

How many Jocjoc Bolantes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he needs to undergo a series of check up first.

How many Lito Lapids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Huh? What’s a light bulb?

How many Bong Revillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Bong Revilla will screw anything.

How many ZTE-NBN deal witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But he needs the support of the La Salle Brothers to accomplish it.

How many Meralco executives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They will just pass the task to its customers.

How many euro generals does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. Seven to change it, and one to take all the blame if the light bulb fails.

How many NPA rebels does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to buy the bulb from the store, one to screw it in, and another to collect revolutionary tax from the storeowner.

How many gay congressmen and senators does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They’d rather stay in the dark.

How many El Shaddai members does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t bother. Yahweh will change it.

How many Iglesia ni Cristo members does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten percent.

How many Villaraza Cruz Marcelo & Angangco, or ACCRA lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many Caltex, Petron, and Shell executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They prefer screwing all of us!

How many President Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
At least four. (Just to make sure she’ll reach the ceiling.)

Enjoy your three-day break!

DIYOSA

Jesus and GMA
Saying President Arroyo is “being crucified for scoring low in opinion survey,” the oldest member of the House of Representatives, 83-year-old Cebu Rep. Pablo Garcia Sr. has likened GMA to Jesus Christ, to which Jesus Christ said, “Shut up Hestas!”

A number of people have lambasted Cebu Rep. Pablo Garcia Sr. for comparing President Arroyo to Jesus Christ. Come on, let’s not be too harsh on him. We can’t blame the guy if he spoke as if he knew Jesus that well. They’re childhood neighbors!

Cebu Rep. Pablo Garcia Sr. has drawn flak for comparing President Arroyo to Jesus Christ. Opposition members and anti-GMA groups have ganged up on him. Because of too much stress, reports say Garcia has been rushed to the hospital. As of press time, only his closest friends were allowed to visit him, namely… Noah, Moses, and Abraham.

The Impeachment Complaint
Voting 42-8, the House of Representatives justice committee junked the fourth impeachment complaint filed against President Arroyo. After four years, the opposition’s record is now zero wins, 4losses (0W-4L); Jose De Venecia is 3W-1L, President Arroyo, 4W-0L, and her allies in Congress, 500K-1M.

After only three hearing days, the House committee on justice junked the impeachment complaint filed by Jose “Joey” De Venecia III against President Arroyo. The opposition is now evaluating whether the younger De Venecia has gained enough exposure in those three days of full ANC coverage for him to be included in their Senate slate.

The House justice committee has junked the impeachment complaint filed against President Arroyo for insufficiency in substance. Akbayan Rep. Rissa Hontiveros-Baraquel calls it an “abuse of discretion.” Businessman Joey De Venecia calls it “substance abuse.”

JDV’s Book
Cong. Jose De Venecia’s biographical book has been generating big buzz of late, and is predicted to become a best seller once it is released. Kudos to its writer, Brett Decker, and to the group in charge of promo & publicity, the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

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We cannot assume the injustice of any actions which only create offense, and especially as regards religion and morals. He who utters or does anything to wound the conscience and moral sense of others, may indeed act immorally; but, so long as he is not guilty of being importunate, he violates no right. ~Karl Wilhelm Von Humboldt

SHIT HAPPENS

FG: The Morning After
Diarrhea and not heart attack downed First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo while on board the president’s plane to Peru. Now you know why it’s called “emergency landing.”

First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo fell ill because of diarrhea, not heart attack. Diarrhea has also downed President Arroyo a couple of times in the past. Inaalam na ngayon ng Malacañang reporters kung ano ang puno’t dulo ng matinding galit ng tae sa First Couple.

Because of Atty. Mike Arroyo’s diarrhea, the plane carrying President Arroyo enroute to Peru had to make an emergency landing in Osaka, Japan. Didn’t you notice? Sa Pilipinas man o sa Osaka, o kahit sa China, sumisingaw ang baho.

Now it can be told. Diarrhea and not heart attack downed First Gentleman Mike Arroyo while on board the plane carrying the Philippine delegation to the APEC forum in Lima, Peru. The plane had to make an emergency landing when suddenly, oxygen masks started dropping.

On the day the First Gentleman was discharged from the hospital following what was initially thought was a heart attack, the Philippine Daily Inquirer’s banner headline talked about Jose De Venecia finally spilling the beans on Jose Miguel Arroyo as regards the NBN ZTE deal. In case you didn’t notice, the Inquirer was trying to continue what the diarrhea has started.

Top 12 Movie Remakes Starring First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo

12: My Big Fat Freak Shitting

11. Wild, Wild Wet

10: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Shit

9: Muro Amoy

8: MadaGasFart

7: All About Ebs

6: Harry Pooper and the Chamber of Shitlets

5: Kung Fu Martka

4: Mike Arroyo: When Nature Calls

3: Taetanic

2: Groan With the Wind

And the No. 1 movie remake starring First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo…

1: The Fart and the Furious / 2 Fart 2 Furious

JDV’s Biography
This week, Cong. Jose De Venecia will launch his biography titled, “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines.” However, rumors say an unauthorized biography has already made its way to the Internet. The title? “House Speaker Jose De Vendetta: Todo na ‘to! Lintik Lang Ang Walang Ganti. This is For You Anak.”

Former House Speaker’s biography to be launched this week will devote several chapters on the alleged scandals in the Arroyo government. De Venecia had so much ease writing those chapters mainly because most scandals were his brainchild anyway.

Cong. Jose De Venecia will launch this week his biography titled, “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines.” This early, National Bookstore is predicting the biography will top its Fiction List.

Pirates and Oil
Somali pirates are asking for money after hijacking a Saudi supertanker full of oil. Hmmm… wait. Hijacking a ton of oil then holding it for money? Are you sure they’re Somalis? Sounds like the handiwork of the Big 3 to me.

Jesus and the Beatles
After 42 years, the Vatican has finally forgiven John Lennon for declaring that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ. In a related story, a recent survey showed 95 percent of Filipino kids are more familiar with High School Musical’s Zac Efron than the current Pope.

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The past exudes legend: one can’t make pure clay of time’s mud. There is no life that can be recaptured wholly; as it was. Which is to say that all biography is ultimately fiction.
~Bernard Malamud

THE FIRST GENTLEMAN

Emergency Landing
On its way to Lima via Los Angeles for the APEC Summit in Peru, President Arroyo’s plane made an emergency landing in Japan after her husband fell ill on board. ABS-CBN first reported the First Gentleman had suffered a heart attack. Other networks said he experienced stomach cramps; some reported he had chest and back pains. Whatever the real reason was, one thing was sure: for a moment, journalists thought the Philippines would have its second widow president.

President Arroyo’s plane was forced to make an emergency landing at Kansai airport in Osaka, Japan when First Gentleman Mike Arroyo fell ill. Sketchy reports say President Arroyo thought the First Gentleman was just joking inside the plane when he began clutching his chest. She reportedly told him, “Hmpf! Tigilan mo nga ako. Napanood ko na ‘yan eh. Ginawa na ‘yan nung lalaki sa wheelchair.”

President Arroyo left her husband in Japan to attend the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation forum in Lima, Peru. After all, he is now “stable and okay;” the Philippine economy is not.

Some sources say the First Gentleman will soon fly back to Manila via a Japanese charter plane. This travel arrangement will definitely push through… unless Mikey Arroyo insists on a charter change.

Malacañang is appealing for prayers for the quick recovery of the First Gentleman. Press Secretary Jess Dureza offered to lead the prayer but was politely declined.

Late last night, ABS-CBN News online posted a screaming headline saying the First Gentleman had suffered a heart attack. It turned out to be inaccurate though. But just the same, ABS-CBN never felt so good writing that incorrect news item.

A palace statement says First Gentleman Mike Arroyo is now out of danger. Then, the country is still in danger.

President Arroyo’s plane was forced to make an emergency landing at Kansai airport in Osaka when First Gentleman Mike Arroyo fell ill. Asked if he knew where Osaka was, Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Of course! Ano ako tanga? May branches ‘yan sa Cubao, Baclaran, Guadalupe at Quiapo. D’yan ako nagpapacheck-up ng mata!”

In Other News
Sen. Loren Legarda attended the SRO premiere of Dingdong Dantes and Marian Rivera’s movie One True Love at SM Megamall earlier in the week. The two young stars met Loren in person for the first time. When Marian said, “Hi ma’am, I am Marian,” she replied, “Hi Marian. I am Senator Loren.” When Dingdong said, “Hi Senator, I am Dingdong,” she replied, “Hi Dingdong. I am single.”

__________
So many people spend their health gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain their health.
~AJ Reb Materi

PIRATES & PRAYERS

Postscript to a Senate Coup
Did you hear about US President-elect Barack Obama’s pre-dawn call to President Arroyo last Tuesday? They say Malacañang is so proud of that one call… to which Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “That’s nothing! Before dawn last Tuesday, I received 13 calls.”

As of press time Thursday, both the Senate majority and minority were claiming Sen. Lito Lapid, the confused chairman of the games and amusements committee as their own – prompting the Kapampangan action star to complain, “Ewan ko nga ba sa mga ‘yan. Ang gulu-gulo at ang ingay-ingay sa session hall. Kulang na nga ako sa tulog eh.”

Sen. Francis Escudero wants the chairmanship of the powerful Blue Ribbon committee. Sen. Richard Gordon also wants the Blue Ribbon. Other senators want Alan Peter Cayetano to keep the Blue Ribbon. Everyone is desperate for the Blue Ribbon… except perhaps for Lito Lapid whose only craving is a Red Ribbon.

A Worried JDV
Reports say Cong. Jose De Venecia is worried about the upcoming new appointments in the Supreme Court. Two days ago, he got worried when Juan Ponce Enrile was installed Senate president. He is also worried Congress might totally junk the impeachment complaint filed by his son against President Arroyo. Kawawa naman ‘tong taong ‘to. Ayaw tigilan ng konsensya. Nakakatulog pa kaya siya?

Pulse Asia Survey
In the latest survey conducted by Pulse Asia Inc, 58 percent of Filipinos said they were “losers” or “worse now” compared to last year. Sen. Manuel Villar and Cong. Jose De Venecia share the same sentiment.

Somali Pirates I
According to the Department of Foreign Affairs, the number of abducted Filipino seafarers being held hostage in waters off Somalia rose to 134 after another group of Somali pirates seized a merchant vessel with seven Filipinos on board. President Arroyo is calling on all Filipinos to pray for the safety of the hostages. She ordered Press Secretary Jesus Dureza to lead the prayer.

Somali Pirates II
Somali pirates hijacked Saudi oil super-tanker Sirius Star with 19 Filipinos on board. Sketchy reports say the Pinoy hostages were allowed to use mobile phones. Those who were able to call home assured their loved ones they are being treated humanely, with some pirates even promising them clothes, food, and a chance to meet Johnny Depp.

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If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
~Thomas Szasz

NA COUP HA SA TIYAGA

The Coup
Sen. Manuel Villar has been ousted as Senate president and Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was installed as his replacement. Sen. Gringo Honasan swore in Enrile to his new position. After 22 years, the duo has finally staged their first ever successful coup.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, the 84-year-old lawmaker talked about the Senate’s advocacies, ambitious projects, and a bright future as an independent institution – words that were truly inspiring to hear… especially from someone who may no longer be there when “future” happens.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer identified the members of the core group that strenuously worked for Villar’s ouster: Loren Legarda, Panfilo Lacson, Mar Roxas, and Jamby Madrigal. However, even if you combined their best efforts, much of the credit should still go to Korina Sanchez.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, he thanked everyone who helped him (snatch the third highest post in the land) especially Loren Legarda, Mar Roxas, Panfilo Lacson, Jamby Madrigal, and CP Garcia Avenue.

Another Inquirer report quoted an administration senator as saying Sen. Edgardo Angara plotted against Villar to advance the vice presidential bid of Loren Legarda who could become Joseph Estrada’s running mate if he decided to run. And we all thought the “affair” was over.

Administration senators who voted to oust Villar included Honasan, Richard Gordon, Edgardo Angara, Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr., and Juan Miguel Zubiri. Lito Lapid who couldn’t understand what was happening also voted “Yes” to Villar’s ouster but only because he had a hard time spelling “Abstain.”

Sen. Manuel Villar said he was saddened and surprised by Jinggoy Estrada’s vote. He was even more surprised when the Senate allowed Lito Lapid to vote.

In a statement released following his ouster, Sen. Manuel Villar said he would now concentrate on being a fiscalizer, to which a curious Lito Lapid said, “So, may negosyo rin siyang abono?”

Tuesday’s headline of The Manila Standard Today reads: “Enrile two heartbeats away from the presidency.” When Noli De Castro saw this he said, “So kung ako, one heartbeat, kawawa naman si Pangulong Arroyo, zero heartbeat.”

In Other News…
Press Secretary Jesus Dureza said President Arroyo on Tuesday got a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama reportedly assured Arroyo that good relations and cooperation between the US and the Philippines would continue… in her dreams.

US President-elect Barack Obama phoned President Arroyo on Tuesday at around 3:17 in the morning. Yup, that was a pre-dawn call. Apparently, Obama was hoping nobody would answer.

Malacañang said President Arroyo received a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama praised Arroyo for being honest, hardworking, incorruptible, principled, morally upright, and ethical. And then she woke up.

Pulse Asia Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro topped the latest survey on presidential aspirants conducted by Pulse Asia. De Castro got 18 percent, followed by Manuel Villar and Joseph Estrada, 17 percent; Francis Escudero, 15 percent; Loren Legarda, 13 percent and Panfilo Lacson, 7 percent. With Mar Roxas placing a distant seventh, other presidentiables are hoping to avoid a clash with DZMM’s Korina Sanchez.
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We have to distrust each other. It is our only defence against betrayal.
~Tennessee Williams

REALITY SHOWS

De La Paz: Mea Culpa
Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz appeared before the Senate Saturday and took full responsibility for the infamous Moscow incident. De La Paz says “it is a lapse on my part.” From requesting and approving 10 million pesos, to carrying the huge amount to Russia, to not declaring the said amount, to issuing conflicting statements as to the money’s real purpose – everything was his fault. In fact, De La Paz was too willing to take all the blame, he almost owned up to the fertilizer fund scam.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said De La Paz’s refusal to tell the truth and reveal the role of his superiors in the fund mess was a blow to the country’s efforts to get rid of corruption. And an even bigger blow to her planned revenge on Ronaldo Puno.

Obama’s Mother-in-Law
Reports say US President-elect Barack Obama is moving into the White House with his family including his mother-in-law. Yup, his mother-in-law. No Philippine president has ever done that… although Joseph Estrada did plan to bring one to Malacañang. He just couldn’t decide which one.

BF’s Posters
Reports say militants vandalized MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando’s posters in Quezon City. They put a G between BAYA and NI… incurring the ire of actress Susan Roces.

Inspired by BF’s Win
After Bayani Fernando’s half-expected win on “Celebrity Duets,” more and more politicians are rumored to be joining (some were invited) reality competitions:
- Jinggoy Estrada on “Scare Tactics”
- Lito Lapid on “Average Joe”
- Jamby Madrigal will try to pull off a Paris Hilton in the local version of “The Simple Life.”
- Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz is reviewing for “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
- President Arroyo, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez, Loren Legarda, Jamby Madrigal, and the wife of Eliseo De La Paz will be featured on “Girls Behaving Badly.”
- Tessie Aquino-Oreta is training hard now for “Dancing With the Stars.”
- Noynoy Aquino might do “The Bachelor.”
- John Osmeña might do “The Bachelorette.”
- Jose De Venecia was actually invited to be a contestant on “The Biggest Loser.”
And finally, Ping Lacson has reportedly bought a new gun in preparation for his stint on “Kakasa Ka ba sa Grade 5?”

Have a great week ahead!

_________
Few people have the imagination for reality.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

SCANDALICIOUS

Postscript to the Senate Probe
Senators found it particularly unbelievable and incredible that Jocjoc Bolante alone (as he claimed) could have caused the release of P728 million. The Senate has ordered a thorough review of Bolante’s appointment papers. They wanted to make sure he was appointed “undersecretary” and not “president.”

Journalists observed how cool Jocjoc Bolante was when he appeared before the Senate. Still, he was no match for Jinggoy Estrada who was in his usual “saksakan ng hangin” element during the hearing.

Guess who came at the Bolante hearing? Jun Lozada. Yup, the favorite witness of the La Salle community was even caught by tv cameras smiling. You know why? Because three more months with the La Salle Brothers, and he’ll be allowed to officiate his first mass.

Top 5 Reasons Why It Took Some Time Before Retired PNP Director for Comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz Could Surrender to the Senate

5: His wife has just finished hiding vital pieces of evidence: the Louis Vuittons, Pradas, Dolce & Gabbanas, and Manolo Blahniks she purchased during the Moscow shopping spree.

4: He waited for another scandal to break open so the public would forget about the “Euro generals.” Unfortunately though, the only controversy that broke out after the “Moscow mess” was the dismissal of Cristy Fermin from “The Buzz.”

3: It took weeks before his superiors at the PNP & the DILG could decide whether to use the term “cash advance,” “contingency fund” or “intelligence fund” during the next hearing. Finally, they settled for… “bahala ka na.”

2. For weeks, he “wished” he had chest pains, esophagitis, gastritis, ulcers, and even a sleeping disorder but doctors at the St. Luke’s Medical Center repeatedly said, “No sir, you’re totally healthy. We cannot admit you.”

And the No. 1 reason why it took some time before retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz could surrender to the Senate…

1: He had to wait for the Senate hearing on Jocjoc Bolante to conclude. And after watching the proceedings, he realized, “If Jocjoc survived Jinggoy, I will survive Miriam.”

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And nobody lies as much as the indignant do.
–Friedrich Nietzsche

BARACK OBINAY

Birthday Boy Binay
Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay celebrated his 66th birthday yesterday, November 11. Residents of Makati couldn’t believe Binay was only 66 years old… considering that he’s been the mayor of Makati for like 75 years.

Supporters of Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay are comparing him to US President-elect Barack Obama. They’re both from the opposition, they’re both “black,” and they’ve been both snubbing President Arroyo.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay has announced his intention to run for president in 2010. Binay is reportedly hoping to become this country’s Barack Obama. Guess who’s running as his vice president? Jovito Salonga.

What else does the grapevine say? Oh, there’s the rumor that Korina Sanchez has expressed willingness to become Obama’s Oprah and that Archbishop Oscar Cruz wants to be the local version of the Reverend Jesse Jackson. As for the role of Joe the Plumber, Binay might pick obscure characters like Joe the Taho Vendor, Joe the Taxi Driver, or maybe something more obscure like, Joe the Former Speaker.

Makati City Mayor Jojo Binay has declared his bid for the presidency in 2010. When Panfilo Lacson heard this, he told his staff, “Research n’yo nga ang budget ng Makati for its road projects.”

Followers of Mayor Jejomar Binay are comparing him to US-president elect Barack Obama whose victory was eagerly predicted (less than a day after the voting) by its supporters in the media: CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC and CBS. In fact, even before yesterday’s Makati City rally could finish, Binay’s win was already predicted by ABS-CBN, the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the Daily Tribune, and Malaya.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is projecting himself as the Barack Obama of the Philippines. Now hear this: Loren Legarda wants to be the next Sarah Palin, a simple woman whose hobbies include shooting moose in Alaska. In fact, just to learn how to shoot, Loren’s willing to reconcile with Tony Leviste.

Yesterday, November 11, Makati City came out with full-page newspaper advertisements hailing Mayor Jejomar Binay’s rags-to-riches story. Not to be upstaged is former senator John Osmeña who’s also coming out with full-page ads on his drags to bitches story.

Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Mayor Jejomar Binay’s Presidential Campaign

5: Kung nais mo ng liwanag, iboto ang DILIM.

4: Feeling tired? Looking haggard? Sagot ni Binay ang yellow card!

3: Gilagid man ay maitim, malinis naman ang hangarin.

2: No Retreat, No Surrender, Kahit May Kasong Plunder!

And the No.1 rejected slogan for Mayor Jejomar Binay’s presidential campaign…

1: Sinimulang pandarambong sa munisipyo
Ipagpapatuloy ko sa palasyo!
(Promise, may share uli kayo.
Ooops, joke lang po ito!)

(This post was featured on TV5’s TEN:The Evening News on November 12, 2008.)

Miriam Too?
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she might consider running for president “just to be a spoiler” then added that the idea of seeking another Senate term already makes her yawn… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Ay oo, masamang maghikab sa session. Kaya ako, itinutulog ko na lang.”

God and Showbiz
Asked about her recent break up with (alleged) boyfriend, Sam Milby, young actress Anne Curtis said, “Kailangan niyang mag-concentrate muna do’n sa relationship niya with God,” to which God said, “Whaaaatever!”

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The ambitious are forever followed by adulation for they receive the most pleasure from flattery.
–Oliver Goldsmith

OF DIVAS & DIVOS

Obama and Nine World Leaders
President-elect Barack Obama spoke by telephone with the leaders of nine US allies to express thanks for their messages of congratulations. He returned the calls to the leaders of Australia, Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, Japan, Mexico and South Korea. Obama actually considered returning the call of President Arroyo but decided to postpone it… until such time his intelligence adviser has given him the assurance his call won’t be wiretapped.

Miriam’s Failed ICJ Seat Bid
After being edged out by the candidate from the African nation of Somalia, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago lost her bid for a seat in the International Court of Justice (ICJ). Reporters tried to get Santiago’s reaction but her staff said she was busy doing a background check on the Somalian candidate… whose intense ICJ campaign she suspected of having been run by DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno.

Bolante Update
The spokeswoman of St. Luke’s Medical Center said former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder and must stay in the hospital for further tests. Asked about the possible cause of the disorder, she replied, “severe exhaustion of the conscience.”

The spokeswoman of St. Luke’s Medical Center said former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder. Now that’s really bad. Noon, ‘yong mga dating kaibigan lang ang ayaw dumalaw sa kanya. Ngayon naman, pati antok ayaw siyang dalawin.

CNN’s New Technology
Remember the holographic technology used by CNN in its election coverage last week? A reporter who was actually in Chicago was made to look as if she was right inside the network’s Manhattan studio. Amazing! That’s the same technology being used now by St. Luke’s Medical Center to make it appear Jocjoc Bolante’s still there.

SWS Survey
The third quarter survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations showed that Vice President Noli De Castro (29%) was still the top pick of Filipinos to replace President Arroyo in 2010. Senate President Manuel Villar (28%) came in close second, and Sen. Loren Legarda (26%) placed third. Cong. Jose De Venecia got one percent… which probably explains why he spent two whole days at the cemetery on November 1 & 2. He visited his political career.

Mass in Malacañang
Shortly before midnight on Friday, President Arroyo heard mass in Malacañang celebrated by a bishop from Quezon, and organized by NGO leader Evelyn Kilayko amid rumors of a destabilization plot. Kilayko says she received a text message saying Jose De Venecia is leading the plot. Apparently, Kilayko is not used to receiving text jokes.

ABS-CBN Lets Go of Luchi
ABS-CBN confirmed the resignation of Luchi Cruz-Valdez, vice-president for news production & current affairs after a bitter dispute with fellow news executive Maria Ressa. ABS-CBN accepted her resignation and hailed her contribution to the organization, and to the network’s cost-cutting measures.

With the resignation of Luchi Cruz-Valdez, the network’s so-called group of “tres marias” aka “three divas” has officially been dissolved. The remaining duo of Maria Ressa and Charie Villa will soon be known as “dos lesbos.”

Bayani Wins TV Tilt
MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando has been declared champion of GMA 7’s talent search Celebrity Duets Season 2. Residents of Marikina City are rejoicing… mainly because Mayor Marides Fernando will now stop soliciting text votes for her husband.

Personal
History has repeated itself. I left (and probably lost) my phone in a taxicab Sunday noon. Yup, that’s the same phone i lost in a cab five weeks ago but was found and returned by a UP stude. This time, I think whoever found it has no intention of giving it back to me. Sigh. I’ve got a new phone though.
__________
Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.
–Tony Blair

OH BAMA!

The US Elections
Even before the final ballot could be counted, US presidential candidate John McCain has conceded the 2008 presidential election to Democratic rival Barack Obama. That was a quick one. To give you an idea how quick it was, John McCain accepted defeat in less than 48 hours… Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has yet to concede to Fidel Ramos after 16 years.

The US Elections II
Less than 48 hours after voting began, a new American president was declared. That was fast! To give you an idea how fast it was, John McCain has conceded the presidential race even before Jose De Venecia could sign the copy of the impeachment complaint handed to him three weeks ago.

CNN’s Historic Coverage
For the first time in television broadcast history, CNN aired a live report beamed through holographic technology. Reporter Jessica Yellin who was in Chicago was projected as a three-dimensional hologram and talked to CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer as if she was in the network’s Manhattan studio. ABS-CBN News is reportedly using a similar technology – not to cover the news, but to prevent physical altercations between Maria Ressa and Luchi Cruz-Valdez during their staff meeting.

CNN’s Historic Coverage II
CNN reporter Jessica Yellin said she was surrounded by 44 cameras and 20 computers as CNN beamed her live report through holographic technology. GMA 7 is reportedly looking forward to duplicating CNN’s unprecedented feat but is nonetheless worried they might use twice the number of cameras in order to beam Jessica Soho live!

Briefly Noted: Sic
Deputy presidential spokesperson Lorelei Fajardo said, “We wish to express our profound congratulations to President-elect Barack Obama for his historical and stellar win as the 44th president of the US.” I hope you are reading this Ms. Fajardo. “Historic” po dapat ‘yon, hindi “historical.”

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No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown.
– William Penn

WHO CARES?

Palin and the Prankster
US vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin fell victim to a prank caller who identified himself as French president Nicolas Sarkozy. After six minutes of phone conversation, Palin became suspicious that it was not the French leader she was talking to when the person on the other line began asking, “Would you like to lead by one million? ‘Yong dagdag. ‘Yong dagdag.”

Filipinos on US Polls
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 3 out of 4 Filipinos don’t care who wins in the 2008 US presidential election. But 3 out of 4 survey respondents do care who wins between Nadia Montenegro and Cristy Fermin.

JDV Signs Complaint
After weeks of dilly-dallying, Cong. Jose De Venecia has finally endorsed the impeachment complaint filed by his son against President Arroyo. A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 3 out of 4 Filipinos don’t care. Period.

Bolante’s Condition
Reports say several tests conducted on former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante revealed the presence of multiple gastric ulcers, esophagitis and erosive gastritis – a relatively new medical condition collectively known as “whaaatever!”

Angara on Movies
Saying Filipinos need “psychological and cultural entertainment” in times of despair, Sen. Edgardo Angara asked the film industry to come up with “artistic and creative” projects. Rising to Angara’s challenge, the film industry has tapped Jocjoc Bolante for a series of acting workshops.

Upright Cabinet Members
Former senator and Marcos trade minister Vicente Paterno said the only “upright” Cabinet members were Social Welfare Secretary Esperanza Cabral and Defense Secretary Gilbert Teodoro. Cabral said the observation was “flattering.” Teodoro said it was “inspiring.” Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales said it was “seditious.”

“Euro Generals”
After closing its investigation on the case of the “euro generals,” the Philippine National Police sent the case to the Office of the Ombudsman – the government agency that conducts “probes to nowhere.”

Who’s Your Daddy?
Nasty rumors say an actor-senator is the real father of young actress Jennylyn Mercado’s baby. It’s difficult to identify the father though because the Senate has 23 actors.

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The price of apathy towards public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.
–Plato

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN PHILIPPINE POLITICS

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A WEEK AFTER the February 2006 standoff at the Marines headquarters in Fort Bonifacio and the succeeding raid at the Daily Tribune office, I came up with a list of 20+ things I learned from those recent events in Philippine politics. The Philippine Daily Inquirer published the list albeit trimmed to 18, while People’s Journal (lifting the same list from the PDI) printed it as an editorial the next day.

Home alone on a quiet All Souls Day, I opted to create a rather serious post today. Enjoy reading, and let’s continue heckling this week!

Some of the things I’ve learned from recent events in politics and government:

You are poor. You are a suspected thief. You get locked up.
You are rich. You are a suspected thief. You get a check up.

A contingency fund, a cash advance, and an intelligence fund. They are one and the same.

If you’re a police general and you couldn’t attend an Interpol conference abroad, send your wife instead.

Catholic bishops and nuns – the staunchest critics of the proposed bill to curb population explosion do not actually contribute to population growth.

Impeachment is a numbers game. Winners usually take home a seven–figure jackpot.

History tells us that it takes decades to build states and nations. Today, it only takes a MOA to create one.

When an economic adviser calls her president a “bitch,” something is wrong with the adviser. If he doesn’t get fired, something is wrong with the president.

Double budget insertions are perfectly legal. Unless discovered.

The surest way to get appointed in a government post is to lose in a national election.

When an executive clemency is granted shortly before midnight on a Friday, better check on the list of convicts to be released. You might be in for a surprise.

Relatives of murder victims who oppose the granting of an executive clemency to a murder convict must learn how to swim first before they appeal their case to the Justice secretary..

There are only two genuine groups of oppositionists in the country: the Communist Party of the Philippines, and ABS-CBN.

And thanks to the Commission on Human Rights, I have learned that when a suspected NPA or Moro rebel is tortured, that’s human rights violation. When a government soldier is killed by the suspected NPA or Moro rebel, that’s life.

Have a great week ahead!

Elsewhere…
Did Luchi Cruz-Valdez resign from ABS-CBN?
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Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment..
Edwin Percy Whipple