HOLIDAY

Ramadan Ends
The Holy month of Ramadan officially ended Monday evening with the appearance of the new moon. Apparently, Malacañang miscalculated and erred in the declaration of a holiday. So while Muslims rejoice in celebrating Eid’l Fitr today, Christians will rejoice over another non-working day tomorrow.

Ramadan Ends II
Instead of Tuesday, Malacañang declared Wednesday a holiday in celebration of Eid’l Fitr. When it comes to declaring holidays, palace officials never run out of surprises. So watch out! We might just celebrate Christmas on November 1!

The POC Elections
Art Macapagal is seeking to replace Jose “Peping” Cojuangco as president of the Philippine Olympic Committee. Art who? He’s the half-brother of President Arroyo. Or to be more precise, the president is his half sister.

Chinese Milk Scare and Chocolates
Mars, maker of M&M and Snickers chocolates, insists that its products are all safe. It has also denied rumors that M&M actually stands for Milk & Melamine.

Tax on Text
House Speaker Prospero Nograles wants to revive the proposed tax on text messaging to generate funds for, listen to this: “education and health care.” Education and health care. Wow, he must be following the US presidential campaign religiously.

Ces Drilon Returns
After completing her three-month suspension for disobeying her superiors, newsreader Ces Drilon will return tomorrow, October 1 as anchor of ABS-CBN’s “Bandila.” Nope she was not alllowed to resign. Why would the network let go of someone they bailed out from the Abu Sayyaf for millions of hard-earned pesos?

Bb. Pilipinas-Wold Resigns
Controversial Bb. Pilipinas-World titlist Janina San Miguel has reportedly resigned citing as reason her grandfather’s recent death. She will no longer compete in the Miss World pageant in December. Asked if the death of her lolo is putting pressure on her right now, Janina replied, “Yes, the death of her lolo is putting pressure on her right now! It’s a tough dead.”

Pinoy Films Win
Three Filipino films won in the recently concluded Bangkok International Film Festival: Francis Xavier Pasion’s “Jay,” Brillante Mendoza’s “Serbis,” and John Torres’ “When I Was A Child Outside.” In the Philippines, they are referred to as Indie… Indie pinapanood, Indie kumikita.

MVP and Basketball
PLDT president Manny V. Pangilinan is celebrating two victories in two weeks: The Ateneo Blue Eagles’ UAAP championship, and the San Beda Red Lions’ NCAA win. He’s a proud alumnus of both schools. In a few days, San Beda’s top playmaker John Paul Escobal (in photo) is reportedly joining Pangilinan’s Talk ‘N Txt team in the PBA. Sought for a confirmation, Pangilinan said, “Yes he is! And that’s win No. 3 for me.”

DOING A JOLIE

Loren’s Offer to the MILF
Reacting to the Moro Islamic Liberation Front’s appeal to Hollywood actress and UN goodwill ambassadress Angelina Jolie to help negotiate a peace pact with the government, Sen. Loren Legarda said she is willing to fill in for Jolie and help achieve a long-sought peace in the south… an offer rejected by some MILF leaders who said, “How can she help achieve peace in Mindanao when she can’t even help achieve peace at the Senate?”

Loren’s Offer to the MILF II
Sen. Loren Legarda said she’s willing to fill in for UN goodwill ambassadress Angelina Jolie to help achieve peace in Mindanao… an offer rejected by some MILF leaders who said, “How can she talk peace with the government when she couldn’t even talk peace with her husband?”

Loren’s Offer to the MILF III
Sen. Loren Legarda said she is willing to become this country’s Angelina Jolie to help achieve peace in Mindanao. To prove that she’s indeed serious with her offer, she’ll have her lips injected with collagen soon.

Loren’s Offer to the MILF IV
Sen. Loren Legarda said, “I will agree to be like Angelina Jolie but there will be no Brad Pitt,” to which Sen. Edgardo Angara said, “But I told you, I can try!”

MILF Survey Says…
An online survey conducted by the Moro Islamic Liberation Front revealed that North Cotabato Vice Governor Emmanuel Piñol, is the most hated government official by Muslims in the country today. A vocal critic of the canceled MOA on Ancestral Domain, Piñol is also the most hated government official… by the Arroyo government.

MILF Survey Says… II
President Arroyo is the second most hated government official by Muslims according to the online survey conducted by the MILF. Malacañang described the poll results as “unusual” mainly because “hate” lists are usually topped by the president.

GMA is Back
President Arroyo is back from her five-day visit to the United States but reports say without the “promised investments.” That’s because instead of “selling” the Philippine economy, she sold Miriam Defensor-Santiago.

Vilma Santos and Lani Mercado
Newsbreak magazine reported that Batangas governor Vilma Santos was being marketed as RP’s Sarah Palin, the Alaska governor and US vice presidential candidate. Now hear this: in last Wednesday’s birthday party of Sen. Bong Revilla, Lani Mercado invited Bong’s “other women” – Rufa Mae Quinto, Ruffa Gutierrez, and Gretchen Barretto. First we have our Sarah Palin, now we have our Hillary Clinton.

BFAD Ban
The Bureau of Food and Drugs has banned at least 54 milk and milk-based products from mainland China, which the agency said, would be subject to testing for possible melamine contamination. The partial list includes Nestle ice cream, ice cream cones, chocolates, and even noodles. Sharon Cuneta described the ban as “unfairly cruel.”

UAAP Finals: A Postscript
The Ateneo Blue Eagles trounced the De La Salle Green Archers to win the UAAP men’s basketball title. After the heartbreaking loss, La Salle coach Franz Pumaren described Game 2 of the UAAP Finals as the “worst officiated” game ever. In another news dismissed by Pumaren as totally irrelevant, his kids have admitted that their dad loves to read them his favorite bedtime story of late: the Aesop fable “The Fox and the Grapes.”

Metro Tremors
Two “moderately strong” earthquakes rocked Metro Manila before noon yesterday. Phivolcs has refused to put the blame on actress Nadia Montenegro and Rose Flaminiano who reportedly squared off the exact time the tremors were felt.

LIARS

Squabble at the Senate
In a privilege speech delivered Wednesday night, Sen. Jamby Madrigal attacked Senate President Manuel Villar over alleged double insertions in the national budget. Jamby spoke, “We cannot have a nation run by a thief.” Monitoring Jamby’s speech on television, First Gentleman Mike Arroyo said, “O, what did I do? Ba’t nadamay na naman?!”

Taking potshots at Senate President Villar, Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “Bumaba ka rito. Harapin mo at ipagtanggol mo ang sarili mo. Magpakalalaki ka!” to which Senator Villar said, “Sure! Magpapakalalaki ako… kung magpapakababae ka!”

Sen. Jamby Madrigal described Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano as an “attack dog.” Sen. Pia Cayetano protested the name-calling… mainly because that would make her a bitch.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal’s privilege speech was titled, “How to be A Villarnaire,” and talked about how Villar amassed his wealth. This has upset Congresswoman Cynthia Villar who noticed that she was not properly acknowledged.

Defending his partymate Villar, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano said Jamby and Lacson were “liars who had been twisting facts.” Jamby and Ping retorted that Alan “was lying through his teeth.” Sen. Joker Arroyo has also assailed the “falsity” of Lacson’s allegation but Ping hit back and maintained that Joker was not telling the truth. Sen. Rodolfo Biazon said it was the first time for them to hear senators call one another liars but he wasn’t surprised… it was like hearing Clay Aiken tell the whole world he’s gay.

GMA in New York
In New York now where she addressed the UN General Assembly, President Arroyo held talks with UN delegations to push the candidacy of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago for a seat in the UN International Court of Justice. In campaigning for Miriam, the president said, “Right now, at this very moment, she’s the least tainted member of the Philippine Senate.”

They’re Out!
American Idol runner up Clay Aiken has officially acknowledged he is gay. Two days later, singer Lindsay Lohan admitted her lesbian affair with DJ Samantha Ronson. There has been so much going on at the Philippine Senate, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two would do a Clay or a Lindsay.

Txtline vs. the NPA
The military in Negros has launched a text hotline to fight the extortion activities of the New People’s Army. To counter the military, NPA rebels are bombing more cell sites on the island.

V FOR VELARDE

El Shaddai Party?
Interviewed by ABS-CBN’s Bandila, El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde said he might be compelled to run for president in 2010 if the Reproductive Health Bill is passed in Congress… thus making him the first presidential candidate to run… on a platform of blackmail.

Bro. Mike Velarde told Bandila that he would be forced to run for president if “provoked and angered” (by what’s happening in the government today). If other Filipinos would have the same mindset, then everyone would be a candidate. Ang saya!

Bro. Mike Velarde says becoming a president is a boyhood dream… until he discovered money in religion.

Top 5 Suggested Slogans for Brother Mike’s Presidential Campaign

5: Tandaan ang pangalan: Bro. Mike po lamang.
Iba po ‘yong Bro. Eddie. Siya po ‘yong talunan! Amen? Amen!

4: Mike Velarde: Kakampi ng militante
Sa Edsa man o sa Mendiola pwedeng mag-prayer rally!

3: Sundin ang Utos ni Yahweh… Iboto si Velarde!

2: Sa ikauunlad ng bayan… payong at panyo ang kailangan!

And the No. 1 suggested slogan for Brother Mike’s presidential campaign…

1: Pagkain para sa mahirap! Sisig, luglog at umaapaw pa!

[This item on Bro. Mike got featured on TV 5's Ten: The Evening News (Sidetracked segment hosted by journalist Jove Francisco).]
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China’s Milk Mess
China reported that the number of children sickened by an infant formula tainted with the banned industrial chemical melamine has doubled to nearly 53,000. That explains the high number of absentees in Beijing’s advance gymnastics class.

Briefly Noted
Don’t you just pity those Chinese kids? They’re born and get nourished with contaminated milk. They survive to become toddlers who play with toys containing lead. And when they cry, they’re offered White Rabbit candies… with formalin.

Lacson and Villar
Talking about Sen. Manuel Villar’s alleged involvement in the double budget appropriations, Sen. Panfilo Lacson asserted, “Alam kong tama ang pinaglalaban ko at handa akong makipagbasagan ng mukha at makipagputukan ng kilay ano man ang kalabasan ng ‘pinaglalaban kong ito,” to which Villar said, “Teka lang! ‘Di pa nga gumagaling ‘tong kilay ko eh.”

Lacson and Villar II
On Sen. Manuel Villar’s alleged involvement in the double budget appropriations, Senator Lacson said, “Handa akong makipagbasagan ng mukha at makipagputukan ng kilay ano man ang kalabasan ng ‘pinaglalaban kong ito.” And then said, “Wait, linawin ko lang, handa akong makipagbasagan ng mukha. Period. ‘Wag na ‘yong kilay. Mahirap ayusin ‘yun.”

PAF Chief vs. Smut
A Philippine Star report says Philippine Air Force chief Lt. Gen. Pedrito Cadungog has banned nude and sleazy photos in all its facilities including command posts, barracks, living quarters and unit bunkers. The ban has confirmed reports Cadungog is a moral crusader, a values advocate, and a jealous type of leader.

Nielsen Survey
According to Nielsen Media Research, the Philippine Star is the most widely read broadsheet in Mega Manila today followed by the Manila Bulletin. The Philippine Daily Inquirer fell to third place… forcing Inquirer execs to drop its “Dare to Ask: Be an Inquirer” campaign and start a new one called: “Care For Us: Buy The Inquirer.”

PHILIPPINE BLOG AWARDS 2008: OMG!

This is surreal.

I still can’t believe that The Professional Heckler has just won in this year’s Philippine Blog Awards. I actually planned to attend the awards ceremonies at One Esplanade but I forgot to print my e-ticket so I decided to just watch it online. I didn’t expect to win anyway mainly because I was up against Supreme.ph, the site being maintained by Tim Yap and other Philippine Star (society) columnists.

But the judges thought otherwise.

Thank you, thank you judges for the recognition.

Yup, local politics is far more entertaining than entertainment itself.

To all the winners (like schoolmate Tonyo Cruz who took home the Best Blog: News and Media category for Tonyocruz.Com), and finalists, congratulations!

To my co-finalists in the Best Blog: Entertainment category, OMG! I can’t believe you lost!

Hahaha! You’ve just been heckled!

Thank you to the Philippine Blog Awards 2008!

I owe you one.

To this blog’s loyal readers (including my family), visitors, fans, and detractors… maraming-maraming salamat sa inyong patuloy na pagsubaybay.

To Sheila Coronel (formerly of the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism), the first journalist to notice my political humor posts, thanks for the motivation.

And lastly to Ma’am Charo, Tita Cory, Tita Mariol, Mr. M, Tito Deo, Mr. Gabby Lopez, Attorney Gozon, Ma’am Wilma, Ms Marivin Arayata, Ms Darling De Jesus, Ms. Annette Gozon, and to my Star Magic and GMA Talent Center families… thank you so much for the support.

More heckling to come.

Here’s the complete list of winners.

GROUP HUG

Honasan’s Suggestion
To put an end to the partisan bickering in the Senate, Sen. Gringo Honasan suggested that they hold a bull session and end it with a group hug,

… to which Jamby Madrigal said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to Pia.”

… to which Mar Roxas said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to Migs.”

… to which Migz Zubiri said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to Sonny (Trillanes).”

… to which Antonio Trillanes said, “Are you nuts? I’m in jail!”

… to which Panfilo Lacson said, “Sure, I can stay for an hour in jail!”

… to which Loren Legarda said, “Count me in. I know someone in jail.”

… to which Edgardo Angara said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to (deleted). Ooops, ‘wag na nga lang. May pinatay na ang asawa no’n! Kay Chiz na lang.”

… to which Chiz Escudero said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to my schoolmate Kiko.”

… to which Francis Pangilinan said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to my professor Miriam.”

… to which Miriam Defensor-Santiago said, “Sure, as long as the three-dimensional expanse between ourselves is enough to prevent the possible spread of both pathogenic and saprotrophic microbiological life forms.”

… to which Alan Peter Cayetano said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to my health-buff sister.”

… to which Pia Cayetano said, “Sure, as long as I stand far enough from Jamby.”

… to which Aquilino Pimentel said, “Sure as long as I stand next to Jinggoy.”

… to which Jinggoy Estrada said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to my pareng Bong.”

… to which Bong Revilla said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to pareng Lito.”

… to which Lito Lapid said, “Sure, basta ‘yong group hug, sama-sama tayo. Ayoko ng solo.”

… to which Richard Gordon said, “Stupid! That’s why it’s called group hug! Let me stand next to Noynoy na nga lang.”

… to which Noynoy Aquino said, “Sure, as long as I don’t stand next to Enrile.”

… to which Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to Joker.”

… to which Joker Arroyo said, “I’ll never allow that. I’ll block the proposal!”

… to which Pong Biazon said, “Group hug?! Sure! Let’s go! One… two… three…hugggggg!”

… to which Manny Villar said, “Wait, you forgot about me! Sali ako!”

… to which the other senators chorused, “Ay! Singit na naman?!”

Roxas on Double Insertions
Sen. Mar Roxas today declared an all out war against double insertions in the Senate. A month ago, he declared an all out campaign against the MOA on Ancestral Domain. Mar Roxas is getting all out of late, Korina Sanchez is starting to feel very nervous.

ASA PA!

I know I have a slim chance of winning the award but let me thank the Philippine Blog Awards for naming this blog as one of the finalists in the Best Blog: Entertainment category in this year’s competition.

Indeed, what could be more entertaining than Philippine politics?!

I actually have two nominations pala. The other one was for Best Single Post.

Check out the nominees in other categories here.

And here are the judges for this year’s competition.

YOU’VE GOT MALE!

Senate Anomaly?
An obviously scared Panfilo Lacson excluded El Shaddai leader Mike Velarde in his privilege speech on the alleged budget insertions last Monday. But Jamby Madrigal says she is filing a resolution calling for another Senate probe on the matter and assured that Velarde will be investigated. This has just confirmed rumors Jamby’s got more balls than Ping.

Senate President Manuel Villar denied having knowledge of the alleged Senate insertions. Joker Arroyo defended Villar while Alan Peter Cayetano lashed back at Ping Lacson. Asked if she knew anything about insertions, Jamby Madrigal replied, “I wish!”

Sen. Joker Arroyo, a close friend of Senate President Villar, vowed to block any move that will lead to the investigation of the scandal… to which Sen. Mar Roxas said, “’Di bale, bahala na si Korina at ang DZMM d’yan!”

Watching from the sidelines, former senator John Osmeña said he misses Senate debates so much, “especially these days when they’re talking about something I am so fond of and particular with. You know, insertions.”

From Girl to Boy
For proving that her body is manifesting natural occurring male characteristics, a 27-year-old woman named Jennifer was allowed by the Supreme Court to change her gender entries in her birth certificate as well as her name. She is now adopting the name Jamby.

Lozada’s Fight
Despite a recent legal setback, NBN-ZTE scandal star witness Jun Lozada vows to “continue with the fight.” Unfortunately though, he’ll be alone in the fight this time because his fans, the La Salle Brothers will be busy watching another fight – Ateneo vs. La Salle.

Gabby Concepcion vs. Mommy Rose
Actor Gabby Concepcion wants to pre-terminate his five-year contract with talent manager Rose Flaminiano saying he doesn’t really know her that well – the same defense he gave when he terminated his four previous marriages.

Overseas…
A man was arrested in the Nigerian capital of Abuja for allegedly breaking the law when he married 86 women and fathered more than a hundred children. The man vows to defend his case and if acquitted, plans to immigrate to Manila and run for president.

SIPAG AT TIYAGA

Villar’s Lament
After his name was dragged into the road project controversy, Senate President Manuel Villar told the press, “Hindi sa pagmamayabang, kung anumang yaman na mayroon ako ngayon, resulta ng sipag at tiyaga.” When he courted the uber-wealthy Cynthia Aguilar (Villar), nagsipag siya. And when she finally said yes, do’n na siya nagsimulang magtiyaga.

This Just In!
Amid the “road to nowhere” controversy, Senate President Manuel Villar has categorically denied that he was behind the emergence of a new religious cult that calls itself, “Ang Bagong Daan.”

Villar’s Freak Accident
Senate President Manuel Villar knocked his head against the head of another man as he was going up the stage at Sunday afternoon’s oath-taking of new doctors at the Philippine International Convention Center. Some of the guests believe it was intentional on Villar’s part because the unidentified man has a strong resemblance to Ping Lacson.

Rumors say another minor commotion ensued also at the PICC when the list of new doctors was handed out. It was discovered that names of some non-passers were listed. Minutes later, Senator Villar issued a statement denying allegations he had a hand in the “insertions.”

Mar Roxas Defends GF
Sen. Mar Roxas defended his rumored girlfriend against Senate President Manuel Villar’s insinuations that she is using her radio program to destroy Villar’s presidential bid. Roxas insisted that his broadcaster-girlfriend is just doing her job… something that Villar must fully understand because it’s not easy, and it takes a lot of hard work, guts, and patience to become a multi-awarded character assassin.

Another Roxas Reacts
Dismissed Court of Appeals Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas believes his dismissal from the judiciary was politicized… or at least that’s how he perceives it; that’s how his family looks at it; and that’s how ABS-CBN reports about it.

The PCGG Chairman
PCGG Chairman Camilo Sabio is facing disbarment over his alleged attempt to influence his brother, Court of Appeals Justice Jose Sabio, to rule in favor of GSIS in its bid to take over Meralco. But as fate would have it, Jose Sabio wasn’t influenced… mainly because Meralco’s offer was more tempting than his brother’s.

Suicide Attempt at the Airport
Claiming that her husband has abandoned her, a woman attempted to commit suicide by hanging herself at the NAIA Terminal 3. But the suicide try went kaput when the ceiling of the terminal collapsed.

Ateneo vs. La Salle
The rivalry between ADMU and DLSU further heats up as the two collegiate teams meet anew in the UAAP men’s basketball finals. Ateneans, in particular are so proud of their team whose coach Norman Black together with players Chris Tiu, Kirk Long, Jobe Nkemekolam, Vince Burke III, and Rabah Al Hussaini (while waiting for Game 1) will be busy shooting for the latest campaign of United Colors of Benetton.

Ateneo vs. La Salle II
It will be another exciting cage battle as DLSU and ADMU face each other in the UAAP men’s basketball finals. La Sallistas in particular, are so proud of their team. Asked why, a La Sallista replied, “Yeah, we’re so proud of our team!”

CONDUCT UNBECOMING

Bribery and the Court of Appeals
The Supreme Court dismissed Court of Appeals Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas for violating the Judicial Code of Conduct in connection with the bribery scandal involving the Manila Electric Company. Roxas was a bit saddened by the decision but was nonetheless thankful that finally, he’ll have plenty of time to spend the millions of pesos he received from the power firm.

Bribery and the Court of Appeals II
In connection with the bribery scandal at the Court of Appeals, the Supreme Court has dismissed Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas, to whom Meralco said, “O, wag nang manisi. Bayad ka na!”

Bribery and the Court of Appeals III
Associate Justice Jose Sabio, the original whistleblower in the Meralco bribery scandal, was found guilty of simple misconduct and conduct unbecoming of a justice of the Court of Appeals. He was suspended for two months without pay. Again, that’s without pay. Sabio has just sent a text message to businessman Francis De Borja saying any amount that he’ll offer will now be accepted.

Bribery and the Court of Appeals IV
In connection with the Meralco bribery scandal at the Court Appeals, Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas was dismissed; Associate Justice Jose Sabio was suspended; Presiding Justice Conrado Vasquez was severely reprimanded; Associate Justice Bienvenido Reyes was reprimanded, and Associate Justice Myrna Dimaranan-Vidal was admonished. Hats off to Meralco for successfully corrupting the judiciary!

In Other News…
All priests in the 91 parishes of San Fernando City, Pampanga vowed to help gather 1 million signatures against the Reproductive Health (RH) Bill. In fact, several couples have already expressed support for the anti-RH campaign. They just couldn’t sign right now because they’re having an orgy.

Of the Reproductive Health Bill, San Fernando Archbishop Paciano Aniceto said, “Let’s fight the culture of death. Let’s fight the anti-life conspiracy.” That statement was released 10 minutes after Archbishop Aniceto finished watching X-Files 2.

Top 5 Suggested Slogans Rejected by the Archdiocese of San Fernando for the Anti-RH Bill Campaign

5: Sa ikauunlad ng bayan, maraming bata ang kailangan!

4: Ang Utos ni Yahweh: Humiga at Magparami

3: Isang Milyong Lagda Para sa Isang Milyong Bata

2: Dare to Bare: No to Condom!

And the number 1 suggested slogan rejected by the Archdiocese of San Fernando for their anti-RH Bill campaign…

1: Sign Up for Sex!

Chavit’s Appointment
Chavit Singson has been appointed as deputy National Security Adviser… mainly because his bodyguards and escorts have already outnumbered the police force in the entire Luzon.

MV Princess of the Stars’ Captain
The Regional Disaster Coordinating Council in Central Visayas has confirmed that the missing captain of the ill-fated MV Princess of the Stars is dead… officially eliminating Sulpicio Lines’ last potential scapegoat.

Belo and BF
Celebrity cosmetic expert Vicki Belo and boyfriend Dr. Hayden Kho are reportedly heading towards splitsville. Rumors say youthful Hayden has not been seeing Vicki lately because of his very tight schedule. So tight that it’s reportedly even tighter than Vicki Belo’s face.

CHEERS!

UP Fighting Maroons
The UP Fighting Maroons finished with a 3-11 slate in the recently concluded eliminations of the UAAP. UP trailed Ateneo, FEU, La Salle, UE, and UST. These days, UP really appreciates the importance of having Adamson and NU in the league.

UP Pep Squad
The UP Pep Squad outclassed its rivals to win the 2008 UAAP-Samsung Cheerdance competition before a capacity crowd at the Big Dome. UP officials has since denied rumors its pep squad actually receives a bigger budget than its basketball team.

Personal
I am so overwhelmed by UP’s win I am posting a photo taken yesterday. Funny. So many people took pictures of my banner. Others, including Ate Glow, a UP alumnus herself (?) borrowed it for a photo op. Congratulations to the UP Pep Squad!

While other teams performed a routine, the UP Pep Squad told a story.

Final Scores: UP 93.30/ UST 85.27/ FEU 83.96/ ADMU 83.81/AdU 81.04/UE 72.89/DLSU 70.07/NU 68.30

MINDANAO 2028

Newspaper Headlines From the Independent State of Mindanao, Year 2028

Al Haj Murad seeks fresh term as Mindanao president,
Christian minority calls for boycott of polls

* * *

New government inaugurates police and military camps in Cotabato;
Osama Bin Laden is guest speaker

* * *

Commander Bravo sworn in as new chief of the Armed Forces of Mindanao

* * *

Abu Sayyaf Party wins big in local elections

* * *

Murad ignores pleas to release Piñol, 14 other political prisoners

* * *

President Escudero vows to block Mindanao’s bid for Asean membership

* * *

Fundamentalist cleric renews call to reclaim Sabah, invade Manila

* * *

Didagen Dilangalen named new Mindanao envoy to the Philippines

* * *

Suicide bomber attacks Lanao public market, suspect identified as Catholic

* * *

December 25 declared as a special working day, Christians cry foul

* * *

Ailing Joma Sison hits Malacañang, to seek asylum in Mindanao instead

* * *

Mindanao adopts “kudarat” as new currency unit

* * *

Government issues list of new national symbols:
Durian is national fruit; tuna, nat’l fish; airsoft, nat’l sport and Fernando Poe Jr., national hero

* * *

Nokia unveils latest cell phone unit, new feature can detonate 10 bombs simultaneously

* * *

RP-Mindanao Friendly Games seen to ease tension between the two states

* * *

Maranao lass is 1st ever Bb. Mindanao, eyes Miss Universe 2029 title

COMING SOON

Bolante’s Asylum Petition
The United States Court of Appeals has denied the petition for asylum filed by former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn “Jocjoc” Bolante. The decision could finally pave the way for his deportation… an intense Senate hearing… and the escalation of war in Mindanao.

Bolante’s Asylum Petition II
The United States Court of Appeals has denied Jocjoc Bolante’s petition for asylum. In the next few weeks, we would know if angioplasty would still work on the First Gentleman.

Bolante’s Asylum Petition III
Jocjoc Bolante is facing immediate deportation after the United States Court of Appeals denied his petition for asylum. The opposition is hoping Bolante’s testimony could finally cause the downfall of President Arroyo. Finally, they realized they couldn’t always rely on an upset stomach.

Senator Joey De Venecia?
Cong. Jose De Venecia Jr says people are “pushing” his son Joey III to run for either senator or congressman in 2010… to which Joey III said, “Well, I have always loved those people… especially the ones who do the ‘pushing’.”

Piñol’s Assassins
North Cotabato Vice Governor Emmanuel Piñol- who strongly opposed the MOA on Ancestral Domain signed by palace and MILF representatives, claimed he has received information that at least 11 assassination teams have been organized to kill him… 10 from the MILF and one from Malacañang.

Pacquiao and Politics
Three months before his fight against Oscar De La Hoya, Manny Pacquiao took his oath as a member of Kampi, President Arroyo’s political party… officially confirming rumors he is a masochist: first, De La Hoya would make him bleed then Kampi would bleed him dry.

Tiya Dely Signs Off
(Warning: Only those who have listened to Tiya Dely’s radio program will get this joke.)
Tiya Dely Magpayo, the 87-year-old veteran radio host who suffered a stroke last August 30 passed away Monday, September 1. Her funeral will include eulogies, singing of kundiman songs, and a letter-reading contest… “kung saan ang magwawagi ay tatanggap ng isandaang piso sa pamamagitan ng koreo.”