COMEDIANS & A MURDER

Wowowee Controversy

After more than a week of silence, ABS-CBN finally released a statement saying the Wowowee incident was a result of a “mechanical glitch.” Willie Revillame is a robot.

Sen. Mar Roxas said he would file a resolution seeking an immediate investigation of the alleged manipulation attempt in the game show Wowowee. If that happens, palengke na naman sa Senado.

Sen. Lito Lapid also expressed interest in conducting an inquiry on the Wowowee scandal. Finally, an issue that he understands.

Comedian and tv host Willie Revillame told fellow comedian and tv host Joey De Leon, “Sa ‘yo na ang ratings. Number 1 ka na! Number 1 na ang Eat Bulaga!” Watching together from afar, ABS-CBN execs reportedly chorused, “Tanga! Bawiin mo ‘yan. Bawiin mo!”

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring Wowowee’s Willie Revillame

5: The Lord of the Rigs: The Two Million

4: How To Lose a Game in Ten Minutes

3: Star Wars: Revenge of the Cheat

2: Confessions of an Overage Drama King

And the number 1 movie remake starring Willie Revillame…

1: The Chronicles of Daya: De Leon, The Glitch and the Cardboard

Joey Marquez Gets 50 Years

Comedian Joey Marquez was sentenced to a maximum of 50 years in prison for the anomalous purchase of walis tingting worth 1.07 million pesos when he was still mayor of Parañaque City. With Joey Marquez in a real fix, let’s see if Svenson’s technology would still be as effective.

Economic Growth

The National Statistical Coordination Board (NSCB) says the economy grew by 7.5 percent. In case you didn’t notice, today’s blog post is about comedians and their jokes.

Inquiry on Sison’s Arrest?

Leftist party-list group Bayan Muna wants Congress to conduct an inquiry on Joma Sison’s arrest in the Netherlands. And that’s the punchline!

DOJ Chief Goes on Leave

Ailing Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales has taken a 30-day sick leave. That means the 31st day will be very critical. Either he has recovered or… hmmm, basta!

Frat Hazing in UP

Officers and members of Sigma Rho Fraternity in UP Diliman reportedly made themselves scarce after the death of 20-year-old Cris Anthony Mendez allegedly due to frat hazing. Furious UP studes now refer to the frat’s members as Sigma Runs.

Members of Sigma Rho Fraternity categorically denied any involvement in the death of Cris Anthony Mendez due to hazing. Sigma Rhoans issued the strong denial – while in hiding.

_________
“Murder in the murderer is no such ruinous thought as poets and romancers will have it; it does not unsettle him, or fright him from his ordinary notice of trifles; it is an act quite easy to be contemplated.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have a safe weekend!

TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT

Joma Sison’s Arrest

The Dutch government arrested CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison for the murder of his former comrades Arturo Tabara and Romulo Kintanar in the Philippines. Dutch authorities are now searching for the murder weapon used by Sison in carrying out the crime – a remote control.

Joma Sison’s Arrest II

Following the arrest of Communist leader Jose Maria Sison in the Netherlands, the government says it is bracing for retaliatory strikes by communist insurgents. “Red alert.”

Joma Sison’s Arrest III

National Democratic Front chairman Luis Jalandoni warned that Jose Maria Sison’s arrest would intensify the revolution in the countryside. He didn’t say though if that includes revolutionary taxation.

Top 5 Movie Titles Inspired by the Arrest of Jose Maria Sison

5: Ouijail

4: Letters from Tiyo Joma

3: The Lord of the Reds: The Fellowship of the Reds

2: Not So Libre

And the number 1 movie title inspired by the arrest of Joma Sison…

1: You’ve Got Jail!

“Hello Garci” Case

The Senate finally decided to re-open the “Hello Garci” controversy. Senators agreed to have equal time on the microphone. After all, that’s what the Omnibus Election Code says about the conduct of political campaigns.

Renaming Shaw Boulevard

Sen. Aquilino Pimentel proposes to rename Shaw Boulevard after former Manila Archbishop Jaime Cardinal Sin. If that happens, the MRT will have a “Sin Station.” Exciting.

Security for Erap

Some 6,000 policemen and military troops will be deployed on Sept. 15 when the anti-graft court hands down its verdict on the plunder case against former President Joseph Estrada. If you wanna know how Sulu or Basilan looks like these days, go out on that date.

Garduce in Europe

Mountaineer Romy Garduce has reached the summit of Mount Elbrus, Europe’s highest peak. Garduce had an easier, faster and relaxed ascent because Jiggy Manicad and his news crew were not there to disrupt his climb.

TAKE TWO

Nursing Test Results

The Labor Department says more than 13 thousand passers in the June 2006 nursing test voluntarily re-took the licensure exams for nurses last June 2007. Results showed only 68.96% of them passed this time. The rest (31.04%) wished they had never re-taken the tests.

Nursing Test Results II

A Fatima University graduate topped the 2007 nursing licensure exam. UST is reportedly looking for another possible leak.

Nursing Test Results III

The University of the Philippines registered a 100 percent passing rate in the June 2007 nursing board exam… once again proving that the Philippine General Hospital (PGH) is the best source of human specimen this side of the country.

PMA Test

The Philippine Military Academy (PMA) re-opened its test centers for Sulu residents after 17 years of absence. Hundreds of residents applied for the entrance exams but only 70 qualified because most of them failed to meet the height requirement for males. The Moro Islamic Liberation Front has reportedly expressed interest to train the flunkers.

Destabilization Plot

A senior military officer who spoke on condition of anonymity with the Philippine Daily Inquirer believes that there’s a new destabilization plot against the government. That’s really surprising considering that Gringo Honasan is already with the government.

Pay Hike

The 12-peso daily wage hike for minimum wage earners takes effect Tuesday, August 28. The wage increase is so measly workers wouldn’t even notice it if not for the news on print, radio or television.

Makati Students Promote Recycling

Makati City pupils and students have become active participants in the city’s school-based recycling project called “Batang Bantay Basura.” It’s all in the family. That’s exactly what their parents do during elections in Makati – “recycle.”

Defensor Is Top Spender

Records show that Team Unity candidate Michael Defensor spent the biggest amount of money during the campaign in the last elections. That makes him the biggest loser.

Lunar Eclipse

The Earth’s shadow will creep across the moon’s surface early Tuesday, slowly eclipsing it and turning it to shades of orange and red. But thanks to the Catholic Church’ “extremely effective” Oratio Imperata, Filipinos won’t get to see the eclipse due to very cloudy skies.

Eggs Per Kilo

The United Broilers Association plans to sell eggs on a per kilo basis instead of per piece because of the sudden increase in the price of corn, the main ingredient in feeds for poultry. In another report dismissed as totally irrelevant by siopao vendors, prices of cat food have also gone up.

MALU FERNANDEZ APOLOGIZES

In the interest of fairness, here’s the latest statement issued by Malu Fernandez:

“I am humbled by the vehement and heated response provoked by my article entitled “From Boracay to Greece!” which came out in the June 2007 issue of People Asia. To say that this article was not meant to malign, hurt or express prejudice against the OFWs now sounds hollow after reading through all the blogs from Filipinos all over the world. I am deeply apologetic for my insensitivity and the offensive manner in which this article was written, I hear you all and I am properly rebuked. IT was truly not my intention to malign hurt or express prejudice against OFWs.

As the recent recipient and target of death threats, hate blogs, and deeply personal insults, I now truly understand the insidiousness of discrimination and prejudice disguised as humor. Our society is bound together by human chains of kindness and decency. I have failed to observe this and I am now reaping the consequences of my actions. It is my fervent hope that the lessons that I’ve learned are not lost on all those who through anonymous blogs, engaged in bigotry, discrimination, and hatred (against overweight individuals, for example).

I take full responsibility for my actions and my friends and family have nothing to do with this. To date I have submitted my resignation letters to both the Manila Standard and People Asia, on that note may this matter be laid to rest.”

WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY?
Indeed, nasa pagkakaisa ang tagumpay.
Mabuhay ang mga OFWs!
Mabuhay ang bawat Pilipino!

(My personal apologies to horizontally-challenged people and the members of the porcine family who were unfairly dragged into this controversy.)

Enjoy your weekend everyone. And I mean everyone – including you Malu Fernandez!

THIS IS FOR YOU… MALU FERNANDEZ!

I KNOW.
This post smacks of inconsistency.
While I vowed in my previous post to heckle people only, and not pigs, the stubborn heckler in me prevailed.

After all, Malu Fernandez deserves my wrath. So here goes the…

Top 10 Things to Tell Malu Fernandez When You See IT

10: “Looking at you, we realize what a waste of skin you are.”

9: “You’ve got more issues than PEOPLE Asia and the Manila Standard Today combined!”

8: “A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.”

7: “Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?”

6: “If your conscience could be surgically removed, it would be a minor operation.”

5: “Whatever’s eating you – must be suffering horribly.”

4: “You are the reason God created the middle finger.”

3: “There are several people in this world that we find loathsome – and you are all of them.”

2: “If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!”

And the No. 1 thing to tell Malu Fernandez when you see IT…

1: “In case you die, we’d like to attend your funeral. However, we’ll probably just go to work that day. You know… business before pleasure.”

I HATE PORK

Bigger Offensives

Reports say the military is planning bigger offensives against the Abu Sayyaf Group in Basilan. If the Abu Sayyaf fights tooth and nail, the military will fight tooth and nail. If the Abu Sayyaf kidnaps government soldiers, the military will kidnap Wahab Akbar.

Gun Ban in the South

Sen. Francis Escudero proposed the implementation of a total gun ban to resolve the conflict in Mindanao… a proposal that was immediately lauded by Abu Sayyaf terrorists who find it more challenging to “cut” than to “shoot” marine soldiers.

Gun Ban in the South II

Sen. Richard Gordon says he has convinced Basilan residents to support the proposed total gun ban in the province. Now… if only Gordon could convince their congressman.

A Minute for Ninoy

At the start of Tuesday’s cabinet meeting, President Arroyo and her cabinet offered a minute of silent prayer for Ninoy Aquino. They thanked him for his heroism. Grade school pupils and high school students also offered a minute of silence before the start of their classes. They thanked him for the holiday.

Ruffa and Yilmaz (Again)

Ruffa Gutierrez confirmed that she has ended her rift and has reconciled with Turkish husband, Yilmaz Bektas. Hopefully, that will also end her dramatic acting workshop on The Buzz every week.

Ruffa and Yilmaz (Again) II

Ruffa Gutierrez confirmed that she has reconciled with Turkish husband, Yilmaz Bektas. Unfortunately for Gutierrez, despite her weekly tearful TV appearances when they were still fighting, she’s still a bad actress.

Bigotry in our Midst

A friend from UP, a microbiologist who works in Dubai, expressed his rage at a column written by a certain Malu Fernandez in PEOPLE Asia, a glossy being published by the Belmontes’ Stargate Media Corp.

In a travelogue, the jetsetting unknown (until her bigotry was approved for publication by the Belmontes’ Stargate Media Corp.) wrote:

“The hub was in Dubai and the majority of OFWs (Overseas Filipino Workers) were stationed there. The duty-free shop was overrun with Filipino workers selling cell phones and perfume. Meanwhile, I wanted to slash my wrist at the thought of being trapped in a plane with all of them. Of course, everyone in economy class was yelled at for having overweight hand-carries. Mine was 17 kg (ssshhhh!).”

“While I was on the plane (where the seats were so small I had bruises on my legs), my only consolation was the entertainment on the small flat screen in front of me. But it was busted, so I heaved a sigh, popped my sleeping pills and dozed off to the sounds of gum chewing and endless yelling of “HOY! Kumusta ka na? At taga sann ka? Domestic helper ka rin ba?” Translation: “Hey there? Where are you from? Are you a domestic helper as well?” I though I had died and God had sent me to my very own private hell.”

“On my way back, I had to bravely take the economy flight once more. This time I had already resigned myself to being trapped like a sardine in a sardine can with all these OFWs smelling of AXE and Charlie cologne while Jo Malone evaporated into thin air.”

“All in all, it’s been a pretty good summer. Jetting from the Aegean Sea to the Pacific may sound a bit pretentious until you wake up in economy class smelling like air freshener.”

NOW THAT’S DISTURBING.

My initial reaction? Who the hell is Malu Fernandez? Is her middle name Bigot? What was Joanne Rae Ramirez (Lifestyle Editor of the Philippine Star and PEOPLE Asia Editor-in-Chief) thinking when she allowed the publication of that bigotry-laced column?

I join the chorus of people demanding that PEOPLE Asia issue a public apology.

Out of curiosity, I searched for Malu Fernandez’ name on Friendster, and dyaraan… she’s got an account! Disappointingly though, she posted just one photo – which is quite understandable – she doesn’t have much to show! Besides it is rather unusual for a member of the porcine family to actually maintain a Friendster account. If you wanna know a little bit more about this chunk of kitsch, click here.

I so wanted to heckle Malu Fernandez’ elite cretinism. I wanted to feature her in my “Top 5″ or “Top 10.” But then again, i still value consistency. The Professional Heckler heckles people only. Not pigs.

Oink!

A TYPHOON IS BETTER THAN…

Top 10 “A Strong Typhoon Is Better Than… Because” Statements

10: A strong typhoon is better than cell phone service providers because wherever it may go, it always has signal.

9: A strong typhoon is better than Maynilad because it brings uninterrupted supply of water.

8: A strong typhoon is better than the MMDA because it can dismantle billboards faster.

7: A strong typhoon is better than Joseph Estrada because it can travel anywhere even without a court order.

6: A strong typhoon is better than the Abu Sayyaf or the New People’s Army because even if it kills people, neither the US nor the European Union includes it in its terror list.

5: A strong typhoon is better than most candidates’ well-funded election campaigns because it can always result in a landslide.

4: A strong typhoon is better than the First Gentleman because you can curse the heavy rains, the destructive winds, or the devastating floods and you don’t get sued for libel.

3. A strong typhoon is better than the country’s political opposition because of its strength and power.

2: A strong typhoon is better than President Arroyo because it doesn’t lose its cool.

And the number 1 “A Strong Typhoon Is Better Than… Because” statement is…

1: A strong typhoon is better than luxury cars because it could enter the Philippine area of responsibility freely without having to worry about the massive extortion and bribing activities at the Bureau of Customs.

In Other News…

The Department of Public Works and Highways says 90% of billboards and advertising structures nationwide are illegal. That means only 10 percent of billboard owners refused to offer bribe to city and municipal mayors and opted to follow the provisions of the law instead.

Noli Sued

Vice President Noli De Castro says the bigamy case filed against him and his wife, Arlene Sinsuat by the latter’s two children was just a “demolition job.” Ironically, that’s what he’s been doing to squatters lately – a demolition job.

Abu Sayyaf on YouTube

A video showing two Abu Sayyaf leaders asking for financial and material support for its fight for an Islamic state in the Philippines has been posted on YouTube. Apparently, the support being given by former Basilan governor and now Cong. Wahab Akbar wasn’t enough.

State of Calamity

The town of Pateros has been placed under a state of calamity as six of its 10 barangays have remained flooded. Balut ng hinagpis.

Pacquiao on Roach

Manny Pacquiao denied rumors of a rift between him and his trainer Freddie Roach. As a matter of fact, Manny is closer now to Freddie than to his wife Jinky.

Porn Star

According to the Optical Media Board, the Angel Locsin look-alike in a sex video was actually a Thai porn star. Now we know why OMB people fail to curb the proliferation of pirated videos. They are busy watching porn!

Personal

Kobe Bryant is coming to Manila on September 5. If I had to fall in line just to have my huge KB tarp autographed, I’m gonna do it. I did it the last time he was here, I am gonna do it now. Tulakan kung tulakan.

Greetings to Rhea Veda and the Ibon Foundation peeps. Hello also to some of the supporters of senators Mar Roxas and Dick Gordon who have exchanged barbs through my blogs. 2010 is indeed just around the corner.

Enjoy a cool long weekend!

WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE

Bad Weather

President Arroyo got stuck in traffic due to flood and a heavy downpour caused by tropical storm Egay. The president has finally met her match. Mas masungit ang panahon.

Binay’s Firetruck Ride

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay was forced to ride a fire truck in going to the city hall because the streets were submerged in floodwater. The last time he tried to wade through murky floodwaters one stormy evening, street children started ganging up on him. They mistook him for a mudfish.

Tarantino Rides the Padyak

Hollywood director Quentin Tarantino (of such acclaimed films as Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill 1&2) had to ride a padyak or pedicab to Malacañang (where he was to receive a lifetime achievement award) after the limousine he was riding in got flood-stuck. The unusual experience gave him an idea for his next movie – its working title: Killjoy.

Crushed Cars

The Presidential Anti-Smuggling Task Force today destroyed 17 smuggled vehicles worth more than 30 million pesos. The destroyed vehicles included a Lincoln Escalade, three BMW X5s, an Astro Van, an Audi 80, a BWM 3 series sedan, a Pajero, two Nissan Terranos, three Hyundai Grandeurs, a Toyota Estima and a Nissan Serena. That explains why the Philippine flag at the Bureau of Customs was flown at half-mast today. Customs people are in mourning.

Toy Recall

Mattel Inc., America’s largest toy-maker recalled about 19 million Chinese-made toys worldwide, including popular Barbie and Polly Pocket, due to high lead paint content and tiny magnets that could be swallowed by kids. Chinese stores however refused to withdraw the toys. Instead they started a new promo, Buy One Toy and Get A Free Pack of White Rabbit candies. (Na naman!)

Apology from Cannibals’ Descendants

The descendants of cannibals from Papua New Guinea who killed and ate four Fijian missionaries in 1878 have apologized for their forefathers’ actions. To prove their sincerity, they heaped praises on the Fijian missionaries saying they must have tasted so good.

ASS YOU LIKE IT

Balance in Congress

After a debate on the need for “gender balance,” the House of Representatives elected its first ever woman deputy speaker. Honest solons are now pushing for “species balance” – juicy posts, they say, must not only benefit crocodiles in the House.

Migz’ Ass

Sen. Jamby Madrigal commented that Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri’s bottom “is beautiful.” The statement baffled her fellow senators who didn’t expect her to appreciate men.

Migz’ Ass II

Before she began her interpellation during a Senate debate, Sen. Jamby Madrigal commented that Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri has a beautiful ass. As a local adage goes: “Kung ano ang kinakain, siyang lumalabas sa bibig.”

Happy People

According to the World Database of Happiness, Filipinos are the 40th happiest people in the world ahead of more than 100 other nations. Thanks to our habit of electing clowns to Congress.

Rapist Solon?

The Supreme Court upheld the filing of a rape case against Cong. Francisco Matugas of Surigao del Norte who allegedly tried to rape a female employee in 2001 when he was still governor. The Supreme Court’s ruling was hailed as “timely” since the New Bilibid Prisons will have a vacancy soon with Cong. Romeo Jalosjos’ impending pardon.

Another War

A state of calamity has been declared in Pampanga. Peace Corps volunteers are traveling there soon. There’s a looming war between the governor and the vice governor.

 World’s Oldest Dies

The world’s oldest person, Yone Minagawa of Japan has died at a nursing home. Asked about the secret of her long life, the attending nurses of the 114-year-old woman said, “White Rabbit candies.”

World’s Oldest Dies II

The world’s oldest person, 114-year-old Yone Minagawa of Japan has died. Rumors say she sustained fatal injuries when a flock of woodpeckers mistook her for a piece of dry wood.

Chinese Manufacturer Kills Self

The head of a Chinese manufacturing company accused of shipping hundreds of thousands of lead-tainted toys later withdrawn from stores has committed suicide. He died after swallowing a Dora the Explorer doll.

Medical Help

Estranged couple Ruffa Gutierrez and Yilmaz Bektas have been seeking psychological help to resolve their marital problems. But after only a day of session, the assigned psychologist backed out. Siya mismo, naloka.

OF BATTLES & BOLOS

No Revenge

President Arroyo says military offensives against the Abu Sayyaf must continue, not as an act of vengeance but as a strategy to win the peace. That’s her tried and tested formula whenever she’s into a fight with the First Gentleman.

Target: Presidency

Sen. Richard Gordon is running for president in 2010. If he wins, he’ll become the first Dick to rule the Philippines.

Mar Roxas is reportedly eyeing the presidency too but he refuses to talk about his plans for 2010. That makes him a “closet contender” for president.

Kiss and Make Up

President Arroyo and opposition senator Loren Legarda kissed each other on the cheek and then shared a laugh when they met at the 44th National Defense College of the Philippines Foundation and Alumni Homecoming Day. They had no choice. Cameras were everywhere.

The Love Goat

A 63-year old man in Washington, USA has been accused of having sex with a goat. But that’s nothing compared to the country’s Congressional spouses who continue to sleep with crocodiles.

Heroic Stance?

The Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) last week announced its plan to arm traffic enforcers with bolos or itak. They will be deployed in Katipunan. Tabloid headline soon: Mga tao ni Fernando, pormang bayani.

Top 3 Instances in the Past Where the Bolo Could Have Been Useful

3: During the Tipo-tipo, Basilan battle. Eye for an eye? No, it’s head for a head!

2: The Oakwood Mutiny. It would have been more dramatic if the mutineers had bolos instead of armalites and bombs.

1: During the selection of the House Speaker. Imagine Digs Dilangalen waving a bolo while shouting “Mr. Spikir! Mr. Spikir! Shut up! Shut up!”

White Rabbit Lover

Foreign Affairs Secretary Alberto Romulo says he’s a White Rabbit fanatic and is not at all bothered by findings that the Chinese-made candy brand has formaline. Now that explains why the good secretary looks “preserved.”

Yilmaz and Ruffa

Yilmaz Bektas claims he and Ruffa Gutierrez have reconciled. Yawns.

CHOWKING, ANYONE?

Flooded

Continuous rains since Tuesday night have left several areas in Metro Manila submerged in floodwater. Adversely affected residents are requesting the Catholic Church to halt its Sunday prayers temporarily.

CPP on NPA’s Strength

The Communist Party of the Philippines belies AFP chief of staff Gen. Hermogenes Esperon Jr’s claim that the New People’s Army’s strength has been reduced since the start of 2007. As a matter of fact, due to the rising number of recruits, the CPP-NPA has been forced to re-cluster… as party-list groups.

New Planet

Scientists have discovered the universe’s largest known planet, a giant ball made of mostly hydrogen. In case you wanna know how it feels like to be there, just travel to the House of Representatives. ‘Sing-hangin pero ‘di sing-layo.

The Chowking Experience

An ABS-CBN correspondent was hospitalized after drinking a cup of instant coffee with rat droppings at a Chowking Restaurant in Tutuban. The incident revealed two things: the restaurant is unsanitary and the correspondent is cheap.

Meat Ban

The Philippine government has banned the importation of animals and meat products from Britain susceptible to foot and mouth disease. Chowking owners are supporting the ban. After all, they have sufficient stock of rat meat.

Voluntary Recall

Wyeth Philippines is voluntarily recalling more infant milk formula in cans that have formed rust and mold as a result of Typhoon Milenyo last year. But Wyeth says it is assured of a minimal financial loss this time. Chowking is reportedly interested in buying the recalled milk products for its halu-halo.

Yao Marries

NBA star Yao Ming weds his girlfriend, also a basketball player in China. Yao Ming enjoys the company of the woman so much because she knows how to handle balls so well.

Yao Marries II

Yao Ming’s new wife revealed that the cager loves food and he eats a lot. Because of this, the wife has a new name for Yao Ming – The Chow King.

Eala Resigns: An Inside Story

Lawyer Noli Eala who was recently disbarred by the Supreme Court for carrying an affair with a married woman, has resigned as PBA Commissioner. The truth, according to a source is Eala wanted to stay as commissioner. However, he was forced to resign after he found out that the PBA Board of Governors, in an emergency meeting on Tuesday, voted 6-3 to kick him out (to protect the integrity of the league). How did they vote?

Against Eala:
1: Ricky Vargas for Talk N’ Txt
2: Tony Chua for Red Bull
3: Joaqui Trillo for Alaska
4: Lito Alvarez for Air21,
5: Atty. Ariel Magno represented Buddy Encarnado for Sta. Lucia Realty
6: JB Baylon for Coca-Cola

For Eala:
1: Ely Capacio for San Miguel Beer
2: Robert Non for Ginebra
3: Atty. Mamerto Mondragon for Welcoat

The same source said Eala was surprised to learn that Red Bull voted to unseat him considering that he has done “several favors” for the team in the past.

Alaska’s Joaqui Trillo (described by the source as “a womanizer” himself), is supportive of Eala. However, much to his surprise – his boss, Alaska owner Wilfred Uytengsu who was so against Eala, decided to attend the emergency meeting. Thus, Trillo had no choice but to “follow orders” eventually voting against his friend.

MR. CHAIRMAN

Senate Committees

Sen. Manuel Villar will give the chairmanship of the Blue Ribbon Committee to a senator allied with the opposition. Apparently, Villar is more afraid of Jinggoy than Miriam.

Administration senator Lito Lapid will retain the chairmanship of the committee on games and amusements. As a senator, he’s just like playing a game and yes, he’s the most amusing.

First term senator Francis Escudero would likely get the ways and means committee. Actually, he’s perfect for the job and we’ve proven that recently: he had a ‘way’ of aligning himself with the majority and the ‘means’ to get away with it.

Another first-termer, administration senator Juan Miguel Zubiri would likely be appointed as chair of the committee on cooperatives. After all, he won as senator because of the poll body’s “cooperation.”

Cheap Medicines

Reports say 170 solons are supporting a bill (bypassed in the 13th Congress) seeking to lower the price of medicines in the country. The rest of them are now busy counting the amount they received from lobbyists.

Gonzales Stays

Palace officials say Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales will not be replaced despite his recent hospitalization due to severe ulcer attack. Isn’t it obvious? Malacañang now wants him dead!

Fewer Hospitals

The Philippine Medical Association revealed that the number of hospitals in the country has dropped by 55 percent in the last 20 years… something that isn’t really alarming since the country’s doctors are now enjoying their nursing jobs abroad.

Breastfeeding Figures

According to Health Secretary Francisco Duque III, breast-feeding rates in the country are at a very low 16 percent. Apparently, the DOH didn’t include “very satisfied” Filipino dads in the official count.

Toy Recall

Mattel has recalled almost a million of its Chinese-made toys (based on popular characters like Barney, Dora and Diego) that contained dangerous amounts of lead paint. From White Rabbit candies to kids’ toys… what exactly is China’s beef against children?!?

Nora Wants Respect

Actress Nora Aunor laments the fact that although she is considered as a superstar in the Philippines, nobody respects her. Ate Guy should not be sad though. Millions of drug users in the country feel the same.

PRAYER FOR THE DRYING

Special Powers

Should the extended dry spell worsen and result to an energy crisis, President Arroyo will ask Congress for special powers. She needs some “super powers” to save her “super regions.”

Prayers

Hoping to end the dry spell, President Arroyo is reportedly seeking divine intervention now. Rumors say she has sought the help of some of the country’s religious leaders to ask God for continuous rainfall. Their responses are as follows:

Archbishop Oscar Cruz:
“Pray for rain? Sige, we will pray for rain. Pero… mag-resign ka muna.”

Ka Ernie Manalo:
“Mahal ng Diyos ang kanyang Iglesia! Ipagkaloob mo lang sa Kanya ang sampung porsiyento ng iyong suweldo, tiyak ibibigay ng Diyos ang iyong minimithing ulan.”

Bro. Mike Velarde:
“Mahal na pangolo… Kong may pananaleg ka, balegtaren mo lang ang iyong payong at ewagayway mu ang eyong puting handkerchep at pakekenggan ni Yahweh El Shaddai ang iyong kahelengan. Ngayon din mahal na pangolo… oolan! Babagyu! Seksek, legleg at omaapaw pa!”

A Self-Proclaimed Imam in Basilan (Refused to be identified):
“Tutulong kaming manalangin kay Allah upang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan ngunit sa isang kondisyon Misis Prisidint: pupugutan ka namin ng ulo! Deal or No Deal?”

Bro. Ely Soriano:
“Tarantado ka pala eh! Tagtuyot man o tag-ulan, kagustuhan ng Panginoon ‘yan. Kung ‘di ka ba naman tanga at kalahati, bakit mo pipiliting umulan kung panahon talaga ng tagtuyot? Gago!”

In Other News…

According to the Department of Labor, female executives and supervisors (1.86M) outnumber their male counterpart (1.4M) in the country’s workplaces. Nope, that doesn’t include the kitchens yet! (Darling, sampay mo na ang labada!)

Disbarred

The Supreme Court has disbarred PBA Commissioner Noli Eala for carrying on an extramarital affair with a married woman. His balls went out of bounds.

Disbarred II

PBA Commissioner Noli Eala has lost his right to practice law for carrying on an extramarital affair with a married woman. He dribbled, and then took a shot at someone else’s court. Of course, the score went to his opponent.

Sex Study

Scholars at the University of Texas have catalogued 237 different reasons why people have sex. The catalogue includes answers like “I was horny,” “I was in love,” “I was attracted to the person,” and the answer that would have possibly been given by John Osmeña’s wife or Jamby Madrigal’s husband if both were respondents in the survey: “I want to punish myself.”

Contaminated

Chinese authorities confiscated two tons of dried banana chips from the Philippines for allegedly containing high levels of the preservative sulfur dioxide. Revenge of the White Rabbits!

Manny’s New Film

Manny Pacquiao has a torrid kissing scene with sexy actress Ara Mina in his latest movie, Anak ng Kumander. Reports say it took nine takes before the scene could be perfected because Ara allegedly complained, “Masyadong matigas ang dila ni Manny.”

YOU BET!

Philippine Lotto

Effective August 15, the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office (PCSO) will increase the minimum lotto bet to P20. The fund-raising campaign for the 2010 presidential race has just begun!

Philippine Lotto II

The PCSO will hike the minimum lotto bet to 20 pesos effective August 15. That’s the surest and fastest way to recover the millions of pesos spent in the last elections!

Cheaper Viagra

Sen. Mar Roxas included Viagra and other anti-erectile dysfunction drugs in the cheap medicine bill he had re-filed in the Senate. Giant pharmaceutical firms described Roxas’ move as “self-serving.”

Drug Users

According to the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA), there are at least 3.5 million Filipinos who use illegal drugs. The three most common illegal drugs of choice by Filipinos according to PDEA are marijuana, shabu, and ecstasy – for beginners, for regular users, and for Borgy Manotoc & friends at Embassy.

CBCP and Child Porn

A week after meeting with Optical Media Board chairman Edu Manzano, the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines formed an adhoc committee to address the influx of pornographic materials featuring minors. To prove that the bishops are serious, there will be surprise inspection of priests’ quarters nationwide.

“RP” Basketball Team?

The Philippine basketball team has failed to qualify for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Had it won the qualifying games, the Olympics would have featured two countries from two different continents represented by two squads – of American players.

Pops and Martin

Reports say Pops Fernandez will soon reveal juicy details about her failed marriage to Martin Nievera. That’s how desperate she is in trying to salvage whatever’s left of her showbiz career.

Pops and Martin II

Reports say Pops Fernandez will reveal juicy details about her failed marriage to Martin Nievera. She’ll talk about his “juice.” (Those who are interested, raise your hands.)