READY TO FIGHT

THE MILITARY HAS suspended operations against Muslim separatists accused of killing 14 marine soldiers in Basilan earlier this month. As they wait for their commander’s signal to attack, soldiers spent time taking photos of one another, headshots to be specific – as souvenir just in case.

Top 10 Rejected Titles for Movies Starring Marine Soldiers and Muslim Separatists

10: All Not Quiet on the Southern Front

9: Y Tu Mama Matay Rin Kayo!

8: Ratta-tat-tat-tat-touille

7: Tipo Tipo, Bang Bang

6: V for Veheaded

5: Gangs of No Pork

4: One Battalion Flew Over the Abu’s Nest

3: Dude, Where’s My Head?

2: My Best Friend’s Beheading

And the number 1 rejected movie title starring marine soldiers and Muslim separatists …

1: Pirates of Basilan: Beheaded Man’s Chest

PSYCHIATRIC

Command Conference

President Arroyo will fly to Zamboanga on Friday, July 27 to visit troops there and preside over a command conference of Western Mindanao commanders as the military moves against those responsible for the deaths of 14 Marines in Basilan on July 10. The president wants to see the soldiers while their heads are still attached to their bodies.

Reform Bloc

Defeated candidate for the House speakership Pablo Garcia of Cebu and his allies have formed a so-called “reform bloc” to serve as a check on Speaker Jose de Venecia. Again, that’s “reform bloc” – a euphemism for loser.

One-China Policy

Foreign Affairs Secretary Alberto Romulo said the Philippines will uphold its one-China policy amid moves by Taiwan to become a member of the United Nations. That means importation of White Rabbit candies from Taiwan will not be allowed.

Loveless?

In response to a reporter’s question about her love life, Sen. Loren Legarda replied, “My love life is my career at ang taumbayan.” Hmpf… two-timer!

Edu vs. Child Porn

Optical Media Board Chairman Edu Manzano has formally sought the help of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines to fight child pornography. That’s exactly a wise move because Catholic priests sure know a lot about ‘children’ and ‘porn.’

Psycho

Dr. Lourdes Ladrido-Ignacio, a former president of the Philippine Psychiatric Association revealed that 20 percent of Filipino adults have “psychiatric disorders.” Those who witnessed the House of Representatives’ selection of its Speaker last Monday tend to believe that the figure is higher. (Ang bumuboto sa sira-ulo ay mas sira ang ulo.)

Psycho II

A former president of the Philippine Psychiatric Association revealed that 20 percent of Filipino adults have “psychiatric disorders.” But judging from the crop of politicians we have just elected, that figure is actually small.

Mediocre

The UP Fighting Maroons remain winless, losing four straight games in the ongoing UAAP cage wars. The Diliman-based squad is so mediocre it would even lose the game if it competes… against itself.

Piolo and Angel

ABS-CBN is reportedly cooking up a film project for erstwhile GMA 7 star Angel Locsin and its centerpiece talent Piolo Pascual. Shooting of the film starts as soon as network executives decide who – between Locsin and Pascual gets to play the role of the leading lady.

HECKLING THE STATE OF THE NATION ADDRESS

IN HER SEVENTH State of the Nation Address, President Arroyo stated that she’d rather be right than popular. GMA has finally accepted the fact that she cannot be a Joseph Estrada – so wrong and yet so popular.

* * *

The president unveiled her administration’s “blueprint for development” for the next three years that would help the country achieve a First World status in 20 years. Yup, that blueprint is just for three years. But don’t you worry, her political advisers are starting to plan for the remaining 17 years.

* * *

For more than 45 minutes, President Arroyo enumerated the accomplishments in her “super regions.” And everyone agreed: she’s way better in geography than in economics.

* * *

President Arroyo presented what she called “just a sampler of our P1.3 trillion medium-term public service program” and stated that her successor would have an easier time than she did. Caught by the cameras, Manuel Villar was all smiles.

* * *

The president vowed to open 29 airports nationwide by 2010. That’s plenty of departure options to choose from in case her family is forced to go into into exile. (“Mikey, sa Clark ka. Ikaw naman Luli, sa Cebu. Ako sa NAIA. Si Mike sa Puerto Princesa. Bilisan n’yo para malito ang media!”)

* * *

In an apparent reference to the unresolved political killings in the country, President Arroyo urged Congress to enact laws to fight “political violence.” Some congressmen were overheard asking: “How in hell do we enact laws against the AFP?”

* * *

The president also asked Congress to pass legislation that would bring improved long term care for the country’s senior citizens. While GMA was saying this, she was glancing at her ally Pablo Garcia, the 82-year-old congressman from Cebu.

* * *

On terrorism, President Arroyo said, “It is never right and always wrong to fight terror with terror” – with the exception of course of MILF rebels who enjoy beheading dead soldiers.

* * *

On corruption she stated, “Graft won’t be eliminated overnight.” She’s been trying for seven years to no avail for Christ’s sake!

* * *

On education, GMA boasted: “Noon, isang libro bawat limang mag-aaral. Ngayon, tig-isang aklat na bawat grade schooler.” The book she was referring to was recently reviewed by Dr. Antonio Calipjo Go and we all know what Dr. Go has discovered.

* * *

In a tough stance, President Arroyo said, “From where I sit, I can tell you, a President is always as strong as she wants to be.” ‘Wag lang tatamaan ng diarrhea!

* * *

President Arroyo wore a used red terno in her SONA. Just like some of her promises, it was recycled.

* * *

Talking about recycling, leftists, as expected criticized the president’s speech. What else is new?

* * *

Authorities reported that “just a few militants” joined this year’s anti-SONA rally… which is quite understandable since many of them are still missing.

* * *

Reports say President Arroyo’s speech was applauded 106 times, 60 times less than last year’s SONA. Malacañang has berated the sound engineer for not pressing the play button of the “canned applause” more often.

In Other News…

Manuel Villar retained the senate presidency after getting 15 votes from both administration and opposition senators. Indeed, Manny matters.

* * *

Sen. Aquilino Pimentel Jr. lost the Senate presidency to Sen. Manuel Villar. After the voting, Pimentel texted his son and said: “Koko, anak… hindi ka nag-iisa.”

* * *

For joining administration lawmakers in choosing Manuel Villar as senate president, Senators Francis Joseph Escudero, Alan Peter Cayetano, and Jinggoy Estrada were called “bangaws” (large flies) by Sen. Jamby Madrigal… an apt description for people who work in a place full of shit.

* * *

Senators looked elegant and debonair when they showed up at the start of the session today. Onlookers picked Pia Cayetano as the prettiest. Bong Revilla and Chiz Escudero almost clinched the most handsome title… until Jamby Madrigal came.

* * *

Chaos marred the opening of the 14th Congress at the House of Representatives. For a moment, reporters thought they were covering a clash in Tipo-tipo, Basilan.

PROLOGUE TO A SONA

I LOVE THE SONA. It’s one of the best sources of material for a humor article. The first time I wrote a parody of President Arroyo’s State of the Nation Address, it landed on the pages of “Hello Garci, Hello Ma’am: Political Humor in the Cellphone Age,” a political humor book published by the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism. The succeeding year, my piece was cited by Manuel L. Quezon III for its “satirical strength” – daw. Now that explains why I love the SONA. It inspires me to write. I am in my best element during the SONA.

On Monday, July 23, President Arroyo will deliver her seventh SONA. Akalain mo ‘yon! Umabot na pala siya ng pitong taon sa Malacañang! ‘Yung kakapanganak pa lang noong maupo siya, ngayon grade 1 na! Tsk… tsk… tsk.

After the address, expect her allies to express optimism and the opposition, cynicism.

But apart from the content of the president’s speech, the public will also be looking forward to some other characters and events inside and outside the Batasan Complex. As a prologue to our SONA article, here goes the:

Top 10 Things to Observe When President Arroyo Delivers Her 7th State of the Nation Address

10: Will the cops exercise maximum tolerance or will violent dispersals happen again?

9: The motif of Akbayan Rep. Rissa Hontiveros-Baraquel’s baro’t saya

8: The president’s gown. What will she wear – Monique Lhuillier? Carolina Herrera? Gianfranco Férre? O baka naman Ariel Agasang lang yan!?

7: How many times will the SONA be applauded? Last year, it was 166, the most by any Philippine president.

6: How many times will the canned/recorded applause be played? (Notice how the president deliberately pauses whenever she wants the audience to applaud her?)

5: Will newly-released Italian priest Father Giancarlo Bossi be present in Congress during the SONA?

4: Compostela Valley Rep. Manuel “Way Kurat” Zamora distributed citrus seedlings to congressmen during one SONA. What will he distribute this time?
a: White Rabbit candies
b: Wyeth milk products
c: MMS photo of John Estrada and Gretchen Barretto thru blue tooth

3: Last year, the president talked about super regions and super maids, remember? What will she do this time?
a: She’ll swallow a stone, will shout: “Gloria!” and dyaraaaan… “Super Glo” – defender of the maids and the yaya
b: She’ll blame the typhoons and the tropical storms for slowing down the development of her super regions
c: Deadma na lang. Promises are meant to be broken naman eh.

2: Last year, GMA was embarrassed when she took the podium even before the national anthem was played – a really awkward moment! What blunder will she commit this time?
a: There will be a wardrobe malfunction that will expose her breasts (Oh no… please don’t!)
b: She’ll insist on doing a solo, a capella number: “Ladies and Gentlemen, to sing the Philippine National Anthem, please welcome… President Arroyo!” (Bayang magiliw, perlash ng shilanganan… alab ng pusho… sha dibdib mo’y buhay.. noh!” )
c: “Mga hayup kayo! Bakit ba gusto n’yong napapahiya ako… noh!”

1: In 2001, the president read a letter written in a “bangkang papel” by three Payatas children. What will she read this time?
a: A text message from an OFW jailed in Saudi Arabia
b: A message in a bottle sent by a kidnapped Filipino in Nigeria
c: A ransom demand by MILF rebels who are keeping five un-retrieved heads of killed marine soldiers

Your guesses are as good as mine. Enjoy your weekend!

OF FLORAL SHIRTS & WHITE RABBITS

Travel Allowance

House Speaker Jose De Venecia announced Wednesday an “important decision” by last year’s House of Representatives: to provide incoming congressmen P1 million in travel allowance. Cebu City’s Pablo Garcia can kiss his speakership ambition goodbye!

Secretary Atienza

Former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza has been appointed as the new head of the Department of Environment and Natural Resources. Atienza was quick to deny however that he was chosen for the job because of his penchant for floral shirts.

Former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza is the new DENR chief. Environmental activists who want to stage protest actions whether on land, sea or air will soon be required to secure a permit from DENR.

Former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza is the new environment secretary. If Manny Pacquiao wins his next fight, Atienza will organize a float parade – in the foothills of Mt. Makiling.

White Rabbit

Several stores have halted the sale of White Rabbit candies and other food products from China that have been found to contain formaldehyde or formaline. In what they insist is an unrelated story, owners of funeral parlors in Binondo, Manila have started to implement cost-cutting measures. Embalmers have been instructed to grind, heat, and liquefy hundreds of kilos of White Rabbit candies.

Top 5 Taglines for ‘White Rabbit’ Candies Manufactured in China

5: White Rabbit Candies: The sweetest companion in time of grief

4: White Rabbit Candies: Dito sa lupa, para nang sa langit

3: White Rabbit Candies: Decomposes in your mouth, not in your hands

2: White Rabbit Candies: Isipin mo na lang… bangkay ka na!

And the No. 1 tagline for ‘White Rabbit’ Candies Manufactured in China…

1: White Rabbit Candies: Tamis na panlaway, Katas na pampatay!

Sexual Abuse

The number of cases of sexual abuse of minors in Eastern Visayas has increased in the first half of the year. Authorities have yet to confirm rumors that this was due to the increased number of priests in the region. (Father… huwag po!)

Mahal’s Turn

Guesting on DJ Mo’s radio program, diminutive tv personality Mahal revealed that she lost her virginity when she was 19. The man who deflowered Mahal has since assumed different identities to protect whatever’s left of his reputation.

ORIENTATION

Twenty-three?

The Moro Islamic Liberation Front claimed there were in fact 23 marine soldiers killed in Tipo-tipo, Basilan last week and not just 14 as reported earlier… a claim that seems to be believable because the MILF is good at doing head counts. I mean, just the heads.

Won’t Surrender

The Moro Islamic Liberation Front will not surrender any of its fighters who killed marine soldiers in an ambush in Basilan last week. Not just yet. They’re still busy decapitating bodies of slain soldiers that were not retrieved by the military.

GMA’s SONA

Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye revealed that President Arroyo has revised her State of the Nation Address eight times and the speech remains a work in progress… which is completely ok because even great writers agree… fiction writing requires patience and time.

GMA’s SONA II

Malacañang says President Arroyo’s State of the Nation Address on July 23 will focus on her government’s vision to make the Philippines a First World country. I told you – it’s fiction.

Orientation

Some 80 neophyte or first-time members of the House of Representatives are set to undergo an orientation seminar tomorrow. Just so you know, being corrupt is not that easy. You still need the proper orientation.

Top 5 Topics to Be Discussed During the Orientation of Neophyte Solons Tomorrow

5: Sleeping During Sessions: The Most Discreet Ways of Doing It

4: Communists in Congress and How to Deal With Them

3: Extortion 101: How to Earn Money from Yet-to-be Confirmed Cabinet Members

2: One Thousand and One Ways to Personally Spend Your Pork Barrel (And Get Away With It)

And the No. 1 topic to be discussed during the orientation of neophyte congressmen…

1: Ang Pagpapatuloy ng Nasimulan at Nakasanayang Kultura ng Katiwalian sa Kongreso: Isandaan at Isang Paraan Upang Labanan ang Sumbat ng Iyong Konsensya

Celebrities & Apes

Katrina Ojeda, Martin Nievera’s long-time live-in partner denied calling Martin’s two sons by ex-wife Pops Fernandez “monkeys” and explained that she actually treated – both Robin and Ram Fernandez Nievera – kindly. In fact, whenever the two boys wanted to play, she just leaves their cage open.

Indicted

The Quezon City Prosecutor’s Office has ordered the formal filing of charges against TV host Willie Revillame for violating RA 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004 based on the complaint filed by his ex-wife Floralice “Liz” Almoro. To gain sympathy from his fans, Revillame wants ABS-CBN to change the title of his show to Wawa-me! (Altogether now… Wawa-me sinong ‘di mawiwili?)

ZUBIRI HAPI!

Zubiri Wins

Juan Miguel Zubiri is now the country’s 12th elected senator. His camp is holding a series of victory party nationwide. First stop – Maguindanao.

Koko Loses

Lawyer Aquilino “Koko” Pimentel III may have ranked higher than 24 other senatorial candidates but that made it more disappointing. The 13th placer is the first loser.

In and Out

Philippine Daily Inquirer headline today, July 14: Zubiri in, Pimentel out. Just when you thought Zubiri was the more likely to go “out.”

Migz’ Problem

Elected senator Migz Zubiri admits having an “image problem” – something that should not be confused with “identity problem” because the latter has been hmmm, resolved when he got married.

Stripteasing Cop

The National Police Commission (Napolcom) has started its investigation of a 30-year-old policewoman who allegedly posted her picture clad only in a red bra on the Internet. The lewd photo of the policewoman was discovered when the Napolcom chief was surfing porn on the Internet.

Stripteasing Cop II

The National Police Commission says a 30-year-old policewoman who allegedly posted her picture clad only in a red bra on the Internet may be dismissed from the service… unless she performs “extra service” for her chief.

FrancSwiss Investor Sues

A FrancSwiss investor has filed at least 10 criminal and administrative charges against agents of the National Bureau of Investigation-NCR who arrested him last week. The NBI agents allegedly took his Mercedes Benz-SLK 230 topdown (ZFK 230) while other agents took $2,500, P80,000, laptop computer, latest model cellular phones and other personal belongings. The moral of the story: If you want money, don’t invest in FrancSwiss; become an NBI agent.

Rod Strunk Is Dead

Roger “Rod” (Lauren) Strunk, the prime suspect in the murder of his wife, actress Nida Blanca was found dead from an apparent suicide Wednesday morning in a parking lot at the Tracy Inn in Tracy, California. Nida Blanca was murdered in a parking lot too. Strunk sure enjoyed taking lives in parking lots.

SAVAGES

MILF On Marines’ Beheading

The Moro Islamic Liberation Front killed 14 marines during an ambush on government troops in Tipo-tipo, Basilan. The Abu Sayyaf Group then beheaded 10 of the slain marine soldiers. That’s what you call – division of labor.

Exclusive

Jun Veneracion of GMA 7 and his news crew were able to take exclusive footage of the firefight between government forces and the combined elements of the Abu Sayyaf Group and the Moro Islamic Liberation Front in Basilan. Fourteen soldiers were killed, 10 of them were beheaded. When ABS-CBN News & Current affairs head Maria Ressa saw the footage, she felt really sorry – for her own news team that was outscooped by the rival network.

Fake

Reports say the text message allegedly sent by kidnapped Italian priest Giancarlo Bossi was fake. Authorities were almost convinced by the authenticity of the message written in Italian until they read the last part. It says: “Asan na u? Rescue na me.”

Fake II

The purported audio recording of abducted Italian priest Fr. Giancarlo Bossi obtained by ABS-CBN’s Ces Drilon today, Thursday is fake according to the head of Bossi’s missionary group. The voice – speaking in Italian, was difficult to understand due to the audio’s poor quality but authorities were certain that it was fake because the last part of the recording said: “Hello, Bossi? Will I still lead by more than one million?”

Stoned to Death

The Iranian government has confirmed that a man convicted of adultery was stoned to death in a Northern Iranian village this week. Back here in Manila, former President Joseph Estrada and First Gentleman Mike Arroyo have both issued a statement condemning the savagery of Iranians.

Meow!

Operatives of the Kalookan City police arrested two brothers for alleged possession of 23 slaughtered cats that were supposed to be delivered to a siopao factory. The brothers are now in jail while the arresting officers are opening a siopao stand soon.

Meow! II

Elements of the Kalookan City police arrested two brothers for alleged possession of 23 slaughtered cats that were supposed to be delivered to a siopao factory. There’s truth to rumors after all!

8TH WONDER

Guingona & the Anti-Terrorism Law

According to former Vice President Teofisto Guingona, the anti-terrorism law or the Human Security Act is actually Human Degradation Act. But that shouldn’t actually bother him because… well, is there anything left in him to degrade?

Eight Wonder

Seven “new” wonders of the world were chosen overnight by nearly 100 million Internet and phone voters in a contest launched by a private Swiss foundation. The new list includes the Great Wall of China, the Taj Mahal, the Colosseum in Rome, the ruins of Petra in Jordan, the statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro, the Incan ruins of Machu Picchu in Peru, and the ancient Mayan city of Chichen Itza in Mexico. The Philippines almost made it on the list. Finishing 8th was “Team Unity’s 12-0 win in Maguindanao.”

Bossi’s SMS

Kidnapped Italian priest Giancarlo Bossi reportedly sent a text message in Italian to an unknown contact instructing him to fasttrack negotiations for his release. Bossi made the appeal because… the kidnappers are running out of cellphone load.

Textbook Errors

In a full-page ad released Monday, academician Antonio Calipjo Go enumerated hundreds of errors he found in English and Pilipino textbooks. Go cited as deplorable the use of the phrase “titi: ari ng lalaki” in a textbook circulated in public schools. Just so you know, that came out in a textbook called “Hiyas sa Pagbasa.” Hiyas? How apt.

Briefly Noted

Manila Standard Today headline, July 9, 2007:
“Light planes collide over Bulacan; 3 aliens killed”

I wonder where they came from. Mars?

Go to Hell

A Catholic school in Australia refused to admit a 5-year-old boy because his surname was “Hell.” Oh that’s really mean. In the Philippines, church leaders even elect demons to office.

Coping

Reports say singer Erik Santos is “still coping” after his recent breakup with sexy star Rufamae Quinto. That’s completely understandable because it was Erik’s first lesbian relationship.

PROOF OF LIFE

Bossi Case

Unidentified sources reportedly sent MMS photos of kidnapped Italian priest Giancarlo Bossi to his friend, Fr. Angel Calvo in Zamboanga City. The source promised to send more Bossi photos but only if Father Calvo would send some naughty pictures.

Bossi Case II

Unidentified sources reportedly sent MMS photos of kidnapped Italian priest Giancarlo Bossi to his friend, Fr. Angel Calvo in Zamboanga City. Rumors say Father Bossi’s friends questioned the authenticity of the photos because one of the images showed Father Bossi beside a tipsy Gretchen Barretto.

Reformed?

According to Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Rina Jimenez-David, former president Joseph Estrada has fathered another child with one of his mistresses who visited him in his luxurious Tanay villa. Now we know the real reason why Loi Estrada didn’t seek reelection.

Convicted

Constancio Velasco, an assistant prosecutor in Manila has been found guilty of receiving a bribe of P5,000 and gets 12 years in jail. Had he been a solon-member of the Commission on Appointments, there won’t even be a case against him.

Sex Videos

Bacolod Rep. Monico Puentevella has filed a bill which seeks to criminalize individuals or groups who will acquire videos of persons or groups performing sexual acts with the intent of making money out of it. Puentevella is simply describing Seiko Films and Robbie Tan.

Sex Addict

A drug-crazed man reportedly raped a chicken in a village in Bulacan. That’s the second worst thing I’ve heard next only to a politician screwing his constituents.

Guinness Record

China wants the Guinness Book of Records to recognize a newly-built palace in the city of Chongqing where there are 1,000 toilets. A feat that would pale in comparison to our own’s House of Representatives where there are more than 200 walking shit.

Low Quality

The Chinese government now admits that 20% of its products do not meet the country’s own quality standards. That’s precisely the reason why they put up those malls in Divisoria!

Homoerotic

Have you seen the tv advertisement of this certain brand of lollipop? It says: “Chupa Chups: The pleasure of sucking.” Be careful what you feed your kids.

EUREKA II

Did you find all 12 surnames? Check this out:

Nicolas Escudé romped away with four singles titles when he was still active but he wasn’t able to penetrate the ATP Tour’s Top 10 ranking. I was reminded of the talented French netter when I caught the third round match between two Frenchmen last night in this year’s Wimbledon tournament. But we’ll not be talking about tennis here. It’s just that I was glued to Star Sports when I thought of writing this puzzle. This will be easy. In appreciation of your efforts, I might be doling out original bossa nova CDs for the first three people who’ll send the correct answers. Good luck and have fun! Talking about fun, newly elected senator Antonio Trillanes wasn’t having fun when he took his oath. He was blazing. He used the opportunity to take potshots at the president and Miguel Zubiri. For his adoring fans, he is the heroic bida and both GMA & Migz are villains. Ah politics! We are so engrossed with politics that our attention has been diverted from the Wyeth milk mess. If we don’t remain vigilant, that could happen again. Who knows? Today, Bonna and Promil, tomorrow, Enfagrow or Enfalac. So never ignore pressing issues like this one. From milk to coffee. Batangueños, particularly residents of Talisay town oppose the planned construction of a spa by a Korean firm on Taal Volcano. The Koreans might have secured a permit and an ECC but Philvolcs was apparently not consulted. The latest rumor is that the town mayor who approved of the project now wears a bullet-proof white vest because of threats he’s been receiving lately. Here’s a piece of trivia: the mayor lives in the neighborhood where I was born. He was an ordinary man then until politics transformed him into what he is now. On the topic of transformation, friends who watched Transformers in Greenbelt ranted about the film’s amazing effects. I wasn’t a fan of the cartoon program when I was a kid so I rather watch the news about the alleged extortion activities of some of the members of the Commission on Appointments. [Sign of old age? Maybe. Sigh.] The finance chief has barely defended himself from the graft allegation of some members of the CA, yet another accusation is being hurled against him. “This is war!,” Roy of Baguio who emailed me yesterday said. I heard that the “big boss” in Malacañang is no longer happy with what’s happening. Oh well, let’s just wait and see. I need to remind you that there are 10 surnames hidden in this paragraph. Actually 12 but two are very obvious. I suggest that you print this out before starting your search. Enjoy!

FREE AGAIN

Free Again

Hours after Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol pleaded not guilty to charges of indirect contempt, Comelec Chairman Benjamin Abalos said Bedol would be allowed to return to Maguindanao. An ecstatic Bedol reportedly thanked Abalos and promised to treat him to dinner at Makati Shangri-la soon.

Eye Surgery

Maguindanao elections supervisor Lintang Bedol had undergone a cataract surgery last Monday. Now that explains his difficulty in locating the missing certificates of canvass.

Pulled Out

Reports say the Moro Islamic Liberation Front has pulled out of the Bossi rescue operations. The MILF could no longer pretend they’re friends with the AFP.

Hazardous

President Arroyo announced that her administration would increase the hazard pay of government soldiers. The president has finally realized how hazardous it is for soldiers to campaign for administration bets during elections.

Cell Phone Theft

Sen. Richard Gordon wants a longer jail term for snatchers of cell phone and gadgets like iPods. Ironically, the Senate talks about incarceration of suspected petty felons when it couldn’t even question extortionist solons – who by way have admitted to their “crime.”

Cellphone Smuggling

The National Telecommunications Commission reported that cell phone smuggling in the country has increased by 35% this year. That explains the 35% increase in revenue collection of the city of San Juan – from Greenhills stores alone.

Kris & the Movies

Kris Aquino says she won’t make any movies until Baby James turns one. That means Star Cinema will have to shelve any planned horror project for at least a year.

Kris Aquino will not do movies until Baby James turns one. That means moviegoers will be spared from torturous cinema for at least a year.

Kris Aquino vowed not to make movies until Baby James turns one. Do us a bigger favor Kris… make it forever!

Popcorn Fare

Some film critics describe the movie Transformers as “car advertisements in disguise.” Similarly, Kris Aquino films are in fact vehicles to promote some anti-sore throat brands.