ARF!

Anti-Rabies Act

President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo has signed into law the Anti-Rabies Act of 2007. The program involves the mass vaccination of dogs and puppies. Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales Jr. turned pale when he heard the news. He’s afraid of needles.

Mike Defensor Concedes

Surrounded by his family and reading from a prepared statement, former Presidential Chief of Staff and Team Unity candidate Mike Defensor conceded defeat in the senatorial elections. The statement that he read was drafted during the campaign period when his series of ‘Tol ads topped the list of the most ridiculed political advertisements.

Where’s the Party

Senatorial candidate Prospero Pichay says he will throw a party if he reaches the 10-million vote mark. If he reaches 10.5 million, that’ll be a bigger party. And if he reaches 11 million, that’ll be alarming. We need to verify the election returns.

Gun Attack

Good News: Namfrel spokesman Jose Bernas survives shooting
Bad News: Namfrel spokesman now speechless

Pampanga’s Best

At 5.4 kilometers, Pampanga has successfully set a new world record for making the world’s longest longganisa (sausage). Nope, there’s no truth to rumors that Pampanga’s longest longganisa belongs – to a priest.

Seaba Cagefest

The Philippine basketball team won the Southeast Asian Basketball Association championship title in Thailand. That’s really funny since no member of the RP Team was Southeast Asian.

Kobe’s Demand

Kobe Bryant is demanding to be traded from the Los Angeles Lakers – which is not actually possible because Kobe’s the only player on the team.

PICTURE PERFECT

Miss Photogenic

The Philippines’ Ana Theresa Licaros won the Miss Photogenic title (decided through an online vote) in the recently concluded Miss Universe pageant in Mexico City. Unverified pageant sources say Licaros even got more votes than the senatorial bets of Team Unity combined.

Miss Photogenic II

Thru an online vote, pageant crazy Filipinos made Ana Theresa Licaros win the Miss Photogenic title in the Miss Universe pageant – making it three years in a row for Filipina candidates. If the gay population can produce winners in the universe, imagine what they can they do in Congress’ party-list polls.

Miss Photogenic III

For the third straight year, the Philippine representative to the Miss Universe pageant won the Miss Photogenic title. To minimize cost next year, the Bb. Pilipinas Charities will no longer hold the Bb. Pilipinas pageant. Instead, a photo contest will replace the competition. Smile!

Top 5 Questions to Ask Corrupt Filipino Politicians If they Were Miss Universe Candidates

5: What would you consider as your best asset – next to your huge bank accounts?

4: If assholes could fly, when is your next flight?

3: If looks could kill, can we stare at you?

2: If you get elected to Congress and decided NOT to accept hundreds of millions of pesos in pork barrel… are you nuts?!

1: If you have only a day to live and you’ll surely die tomorrow… why not now?

PHILIPPINES, 2037

Philippine Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2037

Bishops, priests, nuns win 130 Congress seats;
Group of sacristans tops party-list polls

After 36 years: Estrada’s plunder trial finally over;
Sandiganbayan to release verdict tomorrow

World’s oldest woman to attend promulgation of fave son’s plunder case;
Doña Mary Ejercito turns 132 today

Ex-president GMA says sorry for accidentally shooting husband Mike;
Family refuses to press charges vs. Alzheimer’s-stricken mom

Makati City edges Vatican out as world’s smallest independent state

Guinness Book bestows longest serving mayor of all time award
to Makati City’s Jejomar Binay, 95

Bar topnotcher Alan Peter Cayetano Jr. opts to defend self
vs. 6th libel suit filed by Mikaela Gloria Montenegro Arroyo

Hans Sy inaugurates SM Mall of the World in Mozambique

Global climate change dries up Pasig River; alert up on Manila Bay

ABS-CBN and GMA both claim supremacy
in latest cell phone tv viewership survey

PBA MVP James Yap Jr. reveals: “I am gay;”
Mom Kris, Ninong Boy Abunda very proud

RP finally wins first Olympic gold – in synchronized text messaging

The sons also rise:
Manny Pacquiao Jr. battles Marco Antonio Barrera Jr.
for WBC lightfly title in El Paso, Texas today

PBA players denounce inclusion of pure Filipinos in upcoming rookie draft

Anabelle Rama’s wish on her 95th birthday:
“Makapag-miri ng obod ng retch ang aking mga apu sa tohod! Dapat inggrandi ang widding dong.”

Happy weekend!

NOT SO INFLUENTIAL

No Bandwagon

An SWS survey revealed that 84% of voters were NOT influenced by election surveys. In other words, only 16% percent trusted the SWS.

No Proclamation

The Commission on Elections has backtracked on its earlier pronouncement to proclaim in advance the Top 9 winning senatorial candidates on Saturday, May 26. Alan Peter Cayetano will have to put on hold the planned double victory party with his congresswoman-elect wife.

Generals’ Turf

Thousands of soldiers will take the “lead role” in providing security for the special elections to be held tomorrow in Lanao Del Sur. With military men at the helm, expect the Comelec to declare the polls as “GENERALly peaceful.”

No Proclamation

The Commission on Elections has backtracked on its earlier pronouncement to proclaim in advance the Top 9 winning senatorial candidates on Saturday, May 26. Alan Peter Cayetano will have to put on hold the planned double victory party with his congresswoman-elect wife.

Dong Puno Lost

Journalist Ricardo “Dong” Puno who ran under Gloria Arroyo’s party lost his congressional bid in Muntinlupa City. In 2001, he ran for senator under Joseph Estrada’s ticket and also lost. In 2010, he’ll just run as an independent.

Apology

Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales Jr. say independent senatorial candidate Gregorio “Gringo” Honasan is willing to publicly apologize for his military adventurism. That’s Honasan’s way of thanking the government for his very timely release from prison.

Warm Welcome

Former Batangas Gov. Antonio Leviste who’s temporarily out on bail was warmly welcomed by the employees of his building when he returned to work. Leviste was not amused though because the employees who greeted him were all wearing bulletproof vests.

American Idol

Jordin Sparks won the latest season of the reality talent search American Idol. The US has six idol titlists now. Yes, six! That’s also the number of Filipinos who know the name of the first and only Philippine Idol chosen last year.

HOUSE RULES

GMA’s House Allies Win

President Arroyo’s political allies have won two-thirds or 190 of the 200 district seats in the 275-member House of Representatives. Even if there’s another impeachment complaint, Malacañang may not necessarily avail itself of Attorney Oliver Lozano’s “services.”

Pinoys on Globalization

A Social Weather Stations survey revealed that 49% of Filipinos believe that globalization is mostly good for the country while 20% of the respondents were not sure if it’s good or bad for the country. The remaining 32% are members of Bayan Muna, Gabriela, Anak-pawis and Kabataan party-list groups.

Red Tentacles

Saying the “tentacles” of Communist rebels have penetrated even the universities, AFP Chief of Staff General Hermogenes Esperon Jr. says soldiers may be redeployed in Metro Manila’s slum communities. Which leads us to ask: when will he deploy soldiers in Congress?

Extra-Judicial Killings

Scott Bellard, a representative of the US Embassy in Manila checked the status of the investigation of the Philippine National Police on the spate of killings of militants and journalists in the country. The US is baffled why Filipinos are so alarmed by the murders when killing is considered as ‘just a hobby’ by the Americans in Iraq.

Nora Weds A Woman?

An online Marriage Inquiry System revealed that actress Nora Aunor married her manager, a woman named Norie Sayo in Las Vegas, Nevada on May 22, 2000. That’s not surprising though. ‘Di ba GUY sha?

Top 5 Filipino Movie Remakes Starring Nora Aunor

5: Halimaw sa Bangag

4: Shaken, Rattled, and Rolled: Rehab Diaries

3: Bato, Bato Paano Ka Ginawa?

2: Zsa Zsa Shabu na!

1: Kasal, Kasino, Ka-session

Myspace’ Move

In the US, MySpace has finally agreed to share with officials in state governments its data on sexual predators who post their profiles online. Unfortunately, when the sexual predators learned about the move, they switched to Friendster.

A FAMILY AFFAIR

The Arroyos

President Arroyo’s eldest son Mikey was re-elected congressman in Pampanga. Her brother-in-law, Cong. Ignacio Arroyo was re-elected in Negros. Her youngest son Dato won as congressman in Camarines Sur. To complete the Arroyo family’s representation of the country’s major islands, Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao, Luli Arroyo will run for congresswoman in Shariff Kabungsuan or Zamboanga Sibugay in 2010.

The Binays

Abigail Binay won as representative of Makati City’s second district. That makes her the fourth Binay to occupy a post in Makati after her re-elected dad, re-elected councilor brother Jun-jun and former mayor mom Elenita. In 2010, the Binays will field their pet dogs, cats, boas, and iguanas to complete a family sweep of every possible elective post in the city.

The Rectos

Vilma Santos-Recto is leading the gubernatorial race in Batangas province. Her husband, re-electionist senator Ralph Recto is not even sure of making it to the Senate’s magic 12 while Ralph’s brother Ricky lost his congressional bid in the fourth district of Batangas. Now showing – The Recto Trilogy: comedy, suspense, drama.

The Singsons

Senatorial aspirant Luis “Chavit” Singson’s son Ronald won as representative of Ilocos Sur’s first district. Chavit’s bother Jerry was elected vice governor of the province. A niece of Chavit, Eva Marie won as mayor of Vigan City while a nephew, Allen Singson was re-elected mayor of Candon City. Likewise, Chavit’s cousin, Congressman Eric Singson was re-elected in the second district. Rumors say the victorious Singson clan will issue a statement admitting (for the first time) that Chavit – the only Singson who lost in the May 14 polls, was in fact, an adopted child of the family.

The Atienzas

The floral shirt-wearing father and son team of outgoing Manila Mayor Lito Atienza and Ali Atienza have conceded defeat to the victorious Alfredo Lim. With the impending defeat of another family member. Atienza’s re-electionist son-in-law Cong. Miles Roces, it is safe to say that the city of Manila has been… de-flowered.

The Espinosas

Former ABS-CBN Corporate Communications head Maloli Espinosa, who was hoping to capture the congressional seat in Masbate to be vacated by her uncle, Rep. Emilio Espinosa, reportedly lost to her archrival Gov. Antonio Kho. PR practitioners Leah Salterio and Peachy Guioguio are throwing a party.

The Cayetanos

Senatorial aspirant Alan Peter Cayetano, sister of Sen. Pia Cayetano is celebrating his wife Laarni’s successful bid for congress in the lone district of Tagig-Pateros. In case they both win, money will no longer be a domestic issue between the couple. Laarni is fully aware that a senator gets more pork than a congressman.

The Estradas

JV Ejercito’s ticket in San Juan City almost had a sweep of all elective posts despite being challenged by the team fielded against him by his brother, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada. Residents of San Juan voted for the lesser evil.

Enjoy your weekend!

THE AFTERMATH

What’s News: GMA concedes 12-0 sweep for T.U. unachievable
Bad News: GMA sends SMS to Garci; says “We miss you so much.”

What’s News: Chiz Escudero leads senatorial race in media quick count
Bad News: Loren Legarda unfazed; she’s used to being the “number 2″

What’s News: Jojo Binay trounces Lito Lapid in Makati City
Bad News: Ombudsman and DILG to avenge Lapid’s defeat – soon

What’s News: Angry Fred Lim raids Manila spa for fake poll documents, admits mistake then says “sorry”
Bad News: Practice lang.

What’s News: Catholic priest leads gubernatorial race in Pampanga province
Bad News: Jueteng lord Bong Pineda threatens to stop giving donations to the church

What’s News: Manny Pacquiao losing in Cotabato
Bad News: Pacquiao blames Freddie Roach

What’s News: Darlene Custodio knocks out Pacquiao
Bad News: Custodio wants Laila Ali next

What’s News: Garci loses congressional bid in Bukidnon
Bad News: Garci to apply for a call center job

What’s News: Namfrel’s quick count very slow due to software glitches
Bad News: Who cares?

What’s News: Bangladeshi poll observer says local elections in Mindanao worse than Afghanistan’s
Bad News: Bangladeshi poll observer has Afghan roots

CAMPAIGN LESSONS

Top 12 Lessons (I Personally) Learned During the Campaign Period

12: In the coming polls, you could be a victor but not necessarily a winner. Ask Mr. Wood.

11: Richard Gomez is a has-been, in and out of show business.

10: Raul Roco’s wit and charm didn’t work for him in 2004. How do we expect it to work for Sonia Roco now?

9: Alan Peter Cayetano would have surely ranked higher in the surveys if Mike Arroyo didn’t get sick and their verbal tussle continued throughout the campaign period.

8: Cory Aquino is a more effective endorser than Kris.

7: To increase your chances of winning in the party-list polls, make sure that your group’s name starts with the letter A.

6: It pays to have a fraternity brother like the influential Mike Defensor. Fellow Alpha Sigman Gringo Honasan knows that very well. Without brod Mike, he would have to conduct his campaign in jail and would have not made a strong showing in the latest SWS survey.

5: It’s enough that you apologize for a mistake you’ve committed in the past – on cam. But to shed tears in an apparent attempt to win votes? Na-ah. Tessie Aquino-Oreta may have realized that by now.

4: Even the brilliance of Boy Abunda could only do so much for the negative image of Mike Defensor.

3: Prospero Pichay is not a farmer. But had he used his fortune financing vegetable farming instead of spending it in his political campaign, it would have been a lot more useful.

2: Political advertisements are a work of fiction. In reality, senators do not harvest palay, embrace fish vendors, dance with forklift operators, or sing with lowly street sweepers.

1: Politics is a cyclical and continuous process of lying, cheating and stealing. And it all starts with the political advertisements.

Personal

Unfortunately, the Professional Heckler cannot vote on Monday, May 14, 2007. But just like you, I have my own choices for the senatorial race. The incomplete list includes, in random order:

1: Joker Arroyo
2: Francis Escudero
3: Mike Defensor
4: Manuel Villar
5: Noynoy Aquino

Remember: choosing the lesser of two evils isn’t really a wise choice. It’s still evil. Choose the good ones.

Heckling continues after the polls!

TOP PICKS

Sick Again

President Arroyo skipped Team Unity rallies in Cebu due to diarrhea, dehydration, and fever. She couldn’t join the team in Iloilo as well. Administration candidates were all delighted. Her absence means more votes for them.

Latest Survey

The latest Social Weather Stations survey that voters would go for 6 opposition and 2 independent senatorial candidates or a total of 8 of the 12 senatorial slots at stake in the May 14 elections. Just take note people: the SWS’ 8-4 survey refers to the voting. The counting is another issue.

The latest SWS survey conducted exclusively for the Philippine Daily Inquirer have consistently showed Genuine Opposition bets winning against Team Unity candidates. That explains why these days, oppositionists pick the PDI as their third favorite newspaper – next only to Malaya and the Daily Tribune.

Top Picks

The Iglesia ni Cristo will endorse 6 administration, 5 opposition and 1 independent candidate. The El Shaddai Movement will go 5-5-2 (TU-GO-Ind) while the Federation of Evangelical Bishops International will vote 8-4 (TU-GO). Other groups’ endorsements are as follows: Filipino-Indian community: 5-6; Filipino-Chinese community: 1-6-8.

Party-List

The latest SWS-Inquirer survey showed that the hardcore Bayan Muna and the moderate Akbayan will top the party-list polls if elections were held today. The others were simply LEFT out.

Cory Magic

The camp of senatorial aspirant Noynoy Aquino credits former President Corazon Aquino and the “Lagot siya sa nanay niya” ad for his very good showing in the latest SWS-Inquirer survey. Voters didn’t find Kris Aquino convincing.

New Dancing Queen?

Senatorial candidate Loren Legarda performed what she termed as a “victory dance” after learning that she topped the latest SWS survey. Legarda even invited Genuine Opposition spokesman Adel Tamano and JV Ejercito to dance with her. Ahh… the joys of singlehood.

Senatorial candidate Loren Legarda who topped the latest SWS survey gamely danced before the cameras as she virtually claimed victory in the coming polls. The last time a female politician danced in front of the cameras, she lost in the succeeding election, and then tearfully apologized for doing the act.

SUSPENDED SUSPENSION

Deferred

The Department of Interior and Local Government deferred the implementation of a preventive suspension order issued by the Office of the Ombudsman against Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay. Had the plan pushed through, it could have been the first ever miting de avance organized by a staunch oppositionist with an administration representative in attendance.

Deferred II

Re-electionist Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay says he’s not leaving his office despite the Ombudsman’s preventive suspension order. He will only give up his post after… forever.

Deferred III

Binay supporters who gathered at the Makati City hall grounds were reportedly disappointed by the DILG’s decision to defer the implementation of the suspension order. It ruined their “party mode.” (Libreng pagkain na, nawala pa!)

Pacquiao Ambushed?

Congressional candidate Manny Pacquiao belied reports that he died in an ambushed. The People’s Champ explained that his security was very tight and he was not afraid. Unless it’s an ambush interview – in English.

Comelec Txtline

The Commission on Elections has a new text line for the May 14 polls. The number is 2898. Using the letters in the keypad, 2898 reads BUY U! Hmmm… interesting.

Doctors’ Advice

Doctors at the St. Luke’s Heart Institute advised First Gentleman Mike Arroyo to avoid fights and arguments to avoid stress. The advice was contained in a letter sent to the First Gentleman – cc the President.

WITHDRAWAL SYNDROME

Bugged

Former president Corazon Aquino says she has no idea why she was wiretapped. That’s not really surprising since up to this day, Cory had no idea why she became president.

Withdrawn!

First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo has ordered his lawyers to withdraw the 42 libel suits he filed against journalists. First, it was his heart. And now… his brain!?!

Withdrawn! II

First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo has ordered his lawyers to withdraw the 42 libel suits he filed against journalists and offered to make peace with his detractors. The First Gentleman’s decision was hailed by everyone – except for a handful of lawyers for both sides who are bound to lose their potential source of income.

Top 5 Reasons Why the First Gentleman Decided to Withdraw the Libel Suits Against Journalists

5: He misses the company of Ramon Tulfo – so much.

4: He realized just recently that he’s a masochist. He actually loved humiliation, mental torture and suffering. Bring them on!

3: He has spent a hefty sum for his hospital bills. He’s got nothing left for his battery of lawyers.

2: Attending court hearings is very exhausting. Before the trials are over, he could be dead.

1: Wala lang. Pa-kyut.

Breastfeeding

The United Nations Children’s Fund or Unicef reported that only 16 percent of mothers in the Philippines were practicing breastfeeding. The remaining 84 percent have “very satisfied” husbands.

THE LATEST PULSE

Latest Survey

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, it’ll be 6 for GO, 4 for TU and 2 Independent candidates if senatorial elections would be held today. Malacañang has still more than a week to prepare – for a defeat!

Gringo

Former senator Gregorio “Gringo” Honasan surged to between 5th and 12th places in the latest Pulse Asia survey giving him a higher chance of winning. Meaning it’s not 6-4-2 but 6-5-1. Malacañang would be pleased.

Refused

Pulse Asia said that at the time of the latest survey, 8.8 percent of the respondents refused to name their senatorial candidates. Those respondents were too ashamed to reveal that their choices actually included Chavit Singson, Victor Wood, and Oliver Lozano.

Thirteenth

Mrs. Sonia Roco who used to be in the winning circle of 12 dropped to 13th place. That makes her the “first loser.”

Buboy vs. Goma

Cesar Montano edged out Richard Gomez in the latest Pulse Asia survey. If it was any consolation for Gomez, both of them would still be losers.

The Left and Erap

Reports say the left-wing party-list group Bayan Muna sought P40 million in funding from former President Joseph Estrada. This was really impossible since there has never been a shortfall in the NPA’s collection of revolutionary taxes, ever.

Soldiers in Nueva Ecija

The military has sent an entire brigade of at least 1,000 “maneuver troopers” throughout Nueva Ecija, which has been placed under the control of the Commission on Elections. If military adventurists are looking for an opportunity to overthrow the government, now is the best time to do it.

Disbarment

A lawyer has filed a disbarment case against Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales. It would have been a welcome news until the name of the lawyer who filed the case was revealed: Ely “Spikeman” Pamatong.

Disbarment II

Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales faces a disbarment case for offering 10,000 pesos to each barangay captain in Iloilo City who could deliver a sweep for Team Unity in the upcoming polls. Malacañang has since distanced itself from the embattled Gonzales. Malacañang finds his offer – cheap.

Powerful Kites

Reports say a kite could have caused the crash of a Huey chopper in Cebu. Iraqi insurgents who caught the news via TFC are now mass producing kites in areas where American air force soldiers are stationed.

Religous Piolo

Actor Piolo Pascual will formally train to become a pastor saying he wants to give more time to the Lord. In the past couple of years, he’s been very devoted to Sam Milby. This time, kay Lord naman.