DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT

Lolit, Sam, and Piolo

Entertainment columnist Lolit Solis retracts.
Sam Milby and Piolo Pascual drop 12-million peso libel case.
Yehey! Straight na ulit sila.

Lolit, Sam, and Piolo II

Lolit Solis retracted her earlier statement that she saw an intimate Sam Milby and Piolo Pascual at the poolside of Hotel Sofitel last year. Solis blamed her age (she’s turning 61 on May 20) for the mistake. THIS JUST IN: Lolit Solis has admitted that the two guys that she actually saw at the poolside of Sofitel were Romulo “Piolo” Neri and Jun “Sam” Lozada.

Good News, Bad News

Good News: Sa ginawang kalokokan, Lolit Solis umamin na!
Bad News: Meralco at Napocor, hindi pa!

Good News: Lolit Solis umamin na, humingi ng sorry
Bad News: Lolit Solis puwede nang maging presidente

Good News: Malacañang, hina-hunting ang nagpakalat ng picture ng First Couple habang nag-go-golf sa China
Bad News: Lolit Solis pinagbibintangan

Good News: GMA’s House allies to file class suit vs. Meralco
Bad News: Meralco - to hire lawyer of Sam and Piolo (Panalo!)

Good News: Sa kasong libelo vs Lolit Solis: Katotohanan lumantad na!
Bad News: Sam at Piolo hindi pa

MAY LIWANAG ANG BUHAY?

Meralco and High Power Rates

The Manila Electric Company or Meralco has admitted that consumers are actually paying (beyond what’s allowed by law) for the power firm’s systems losses and its own electric bills amounting to half-a-billion pesos annually. Now we know why the Lopezes despise the Arroyo government so much. Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa…

Meralco and High Power Rates II

The Joint Congressional Power Commission hearing is over. Meralco officials have explained their side to the lawmakers… it’s time for DZMM commentators to defend their bosses to the public.

Meralco and High Power Rates III

In the same hearing, the Joint Congressional Power Commission identified Meralco’s management abuses such as the excessive perks received by Meralco’s top brass. But then again, if you were Meralco spokesman Elpi Cuna who’s main task is to explain and defend theft on radio and TV interviews almost everyday, wouldn’t you demand a high salary?

Briefly Noted

While every other local news website was talking about Meralco’s “sins” against the public, (around 9PM, Tuesday, May 13) ABS-CBN News Online’s top story was taking potshots at the Senate’s “poor track record” in legislation particularly after conducting Senate investigations like yesterday’s hearing on the power sector. ‘Di naman kayo masyadong obvious ‘no? (Here’s a tip: If you want to read negative stories against the Arroyo government these days, ABS-CBN News is the best site to visit.)

Headlines: Calamities

Myanmar hit by a strong cyclone killing 62 thousand
China struck by a powerful earthquake killing 12 thousand
Millions in Manila hit by high power rates; Meralco makes a killing.

Mikey and the Powercom Hearing

Reports say House committee on energy chair and Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo did not talk during the heated hearing on power rates – something that was regarded by many as the congressman’s best contribution to the probe.

Good News, Bad News

Good News: Meralco maglalabas ng print ad upang ipaliwanag ang sinisingil sa publiko
Bad News: Bayad sa print ad, isasama sa electric bill n’yo

Good News: Lopez group bibitawan ang Meralco
Bad News: Ang maniwala, sira ulo!

Good News: Walong opisyal ng Meralco, susuweldo ng 97 million sa taong ito
Bad News: Mas malaki ang ating konsumo, mas malaki ang bonus nilang walo

Good News: Senador Miriam Santiago, pasasabugin ang Meralco
Bad News: She lied… bwahahahahaha!

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

Bunye To Quit

Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye will quit his post next month “to fulfill a wish of going back to banking.” He is set to join Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas. Rumors say he will be assigned to the Counterfeit Bills Detection Section since it’s quite related to the stuff he did in Malacañang at the height of the “Hello Garci” scandal. You know… identifying fakes from originals.

Jamby and Money

Sen. Jamby Madrigal has finally admitted that she’s in fact pursuing money from the estate left behind by her billionaire aunt. If you would recall, she initially insisted that her lawsuit against her relatives was about “justice” and “principle.” But that didn’t matter. No one believed her anyway.

Jamby and Money II

Sen. Jamby Madrigal told the media that, “Kung manalo ako sa kasong ito, maski anong perang makuha ko, ibibigay ko sa foundation ng tita ko.” She added, “Wala akong habol na pera dito.” Hindi halata.

Jamby and Money III

Sen. Jamby Madrigal has finally admitted that she’s in fact pursuing money from the estate left behind by her billionaire aunt. And that’s just one. I heard she considered admitting another “personal issue” - but was prevailed upon by her husband, who told her to shut the f*ck up.

Marikina Priest vs. Sex, Homosexuality

In an article posted on the website of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines, Marikina parish priest Ric Equia said the Internet is full of sex and homosexuality because it has been “penetrated” by Satan – which makes the priest understandably envious. Unlike the devil, he couldn’t “penetrate.”

Marikina Priest vs. Sex, Homosexuality II

In an article posted on the CBCP website, Marikina parish priest Ric Equia said the Internet is full of sex and homosexuality because it has been “penetrated” by Satan. If Equia views homosexuality or sex as evil, then someone must tell him that he is a product of his parents’ demonic act.

Luli and the Inquirer

An irate Luli Macapagal Arroyo wrote the Philippine Daily Inquirer Saturday and accused the newspaper of maliciously and falsely reporting that she took a presidential chopper to Boracay Island last week when her Asian Spirit flight got delayed for six hours. Luli complained that the Inquirer did not bother verifying the facts before writing the story. Apparently, Luli is not aware that verifying sources would be conduct unbecoming of the Inquirer. Masanay na lang kasi kayo.

Cojuangco-Kierulf Wedding

Patty Cojuangco, Tony Boy’s daughter by his first wife Denise Yabut, recently wed businessman Anthony Kierulf. In attendance were the bride’s socialite lola Imelda Ongsiako-Cojuangco, Gretchen’s daughter Dominique, and of course, Tony Boy. Thanks to the three, the wedding had something old, something borrowed, and something blue.

Separated At Birth?

They’re not related by blood (L-R): Vicky Fernandez-Zubiri, Imelda Ongsiako-Cojuangco, and Margarita “Tingting” De Los-Reyes Cojuangco but they look like one another, don’t they? Let me guess, related by Botox?

GETTING READY TO RUMBLE

GMA vs. The Lopezes

Malacañang’s allies in Congress, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Cong. Mikey Arroyo are out to draw first blood on the Lopez-owned Manila Electric Co. as they initiate a joint congressional probe on Meralco’s high power rates. The Lopezes are unfazed though. If GMA has Miriam and Mikey, Meralco has DZMM and ANC.

JDV III On Food Crisis

Businessman Jose “Joey” de Venecia III said the cause of the country’s rice crisis can be described in one word – corruption. I am offering an alternative description in three letters - JDV.

Threats Against JDV III

Months after testifying on the ZTE broadband scandal, losing bidder Joey De Venecia III told the media that threats on his life continue. He didn’t give a reason though why the public should give a damn.

Gays and Santacruzan

Manila Archbishop Gaudencio Cardinal Rosales discourages homosexuals from joining the Santacruzan… totally ignoring the fact that without gays , the Reyna Elenas, Reyna Emperatrizes and the sagalas would probably look like menopausal hermana mayores sans make up.

No Cams, Phones in ORs

The Commission on Higher Education has banned medical students from using video cameras, mobile phones with camera features and other similar equipment while attending clinical classes and conducting surgeries. But if medical students have attending physicians like those docs at the Vicente Memorial Medical Center in Cebu, why fear a CHEd memo?

Piolo and Sam to DOJ

Claiming that entertainment columnist Lolit Solis has been bragging that she’s “close” to some DOJ prosecutors, rumored sweethearts Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby went to Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales’s office and sought assurances that the libel case they had filed against Solis would be handled fairly. Secretary Gonzales assured Piolo and Sam that the DOJ is impartial and fair – especially to gay people.

On A Serious Note

Unimpeachable sources say showbiz celeb F is dying. Celeb F went abroad recently for a check up but Celeb F’s American doctors were honest to say that therapy or any other form of medication is useless at this point in time. Celeb F decided to return home. Close friends quoted Celeb F as saying, “Ayokong sa US pa ako abutan.”

Sigh.

Personal

The NBA’s best player for the past four years has finally won a well-deserved MVP trophy. Yehey! Next up for Kobe Bryant, another NBA title!

DANGER ZONE

 Bayan Muna’s Casiño and Meralco

Leftist party-list Rep. Teodoro Casiño slammed President Arroyo’s call on big businesses to join forces with the government to force Meralco to lower electricity rates. Has Elpi Cuna been replaced as Meralco spokesman? 

Lacson’s Allegation

Sen. Panfilo Lacson called for a Senate inquiry into allegations of bribery and extortion in the construction of one of the country’s biggest foreign-funded projects – a $2-billion shipyard being built in Mindanao by South Korea’s Hanjin Heavy Industries Inc. Lacson hinted that President Arroyo could be involved in the brewing bribery/extortion scandal. But that’s Lacson. I heard that if this scandal fails to topple the Arroyos, he’ll make the biggest revelation of his entire career - Gloria Arroyo masterminded the Kuratong Baleleng massacre.

Senate Probe

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has filed a resolution calling for a Senate inquiry into the rectal surgery scandal at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center in Cebu City. Not to be outdone, some congressmen have also expressed interest to conduct their own investigation – a move that was understandable since they have something in common with the victim’s mocked anatomy. You know. Asshole.

World Communications Day Warning

On the occasion of World Communications Day, a Marikina parish priest warned that the Internet is becoming the next danger zone for children because of sex and homosexuality offered in many Web sites. Yup, the next danger zone – after the Catholic Church perhaps.

World Communications Day Warning II

On the occasion of World Communications Day, a Marikina parish priest warned that the Internet is becoming the next danger zone for children because of sex and homosexuality offered in many web sites. Personally though, I think learning about sex or homosexuality from websites is far less dangerous than learning about sex or homosexuality from priests.

Extra Pay

The Associated Press reported that life in the remote Pag-asa Island (part of the Spratlys) is so lonely that Filipino soldiers stationed there get to receive extra “loneliness pay” - the same incentive that Jamby Madrigal’s husband has allegedly been asking from her for years to no avail.

Have a productive week!

TEAM UNITY RETURNS

Cabinet Revamp

The reported impending appointment of defeated senatorial candidate Prospero Pichay to the Bureau of Customs has received a lot of flak. Critics say the president must appoint someone who really knows smuggling and the operation of smugglers. Malacañang agrees. The problem is – can the president appoint her husband?

Cabinet Revamp II

Last year, defeated Manila mayoral candidate Lito Atienza was appointed environment secretary. Recent reports say defeated senatorial candidate Mike Defensor will be the next press secretary, defeated senatorial candidate Prospero Pichay the next chief of the Bureau of Customs, and defeated senatorial candidate Tito Sotto the next chair of the Dangerous Drugs Board. Yet another defeated senatorial candidate Tessie Aquino-Oreta is reportedly being eyed as the next DepEd secretary. If this trend continues, President Arroyo will soon lead a cabinet of losers.

Cabinet Revamp III

Unconfirmed reports say Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye will be replaced by defeated senatorial candidate Michael Defensor. But Bunye has nothing to worry about. According to the grapevine, he’s being groomed to replace Edu Manzano as Optical Media Board chairman – primarily due to his ability to identify fake from original tapes.

Wage Hike and the CBCP

The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines has joined labor groups in demanding a wage hike for Filipino workers. The Catholic Church’ call was fueled by the alleged shortfall in collected donations from parishioners recently.

Injured, Again

For the umpteenth time, the military reported that Abu Sayyaf leader Isnilon Hapilon has been wounded following a gunbattle. If I were to believe AFP’s claim, I’d really pity this Hapilon guy. He must be a walking scar by now. (Pang-ilan na bang “wounded” report ‘yan? I’ve lost count.)

Botched Surgery

Doctors Manny and Pie Calayan are facing a P26-million lawsuit filed by a Filipino-American who accused the couple of botching a penis enlargement procedure. Patient Louem Martinez a.k.a. Louem Boschuk claimed his penis sagged and was badly deformed after the operation. He is now seeking 20 million pesos in actual damages, 3 million pesos in moral damages, and another 3 million pesos in exemplary damages… officially making his manhood the ugliest but most expensive Filipino cock ever.

CHEAP

Cheaper Medicines Bill Ratified

President Arroyo thanked Congress for ratifying the cheaper medicines bill saying it would be a fitting gift to workers on Labor Day. It’s her answer to headaches caused by empty stomach.

Top 5 Signs that the Cheaper Medicines Act Has (Oddly) Changed the Lives of the Country’s Poorest

5: “Mga ‘tol, tawagin n’yo na ang barkada! Magpapainom ako……………….……….….. ng Robitussin!”

4: Pulubi 1: “Pssst, pare, pautang naman ng rugby o. Bayaran kita ‘pag marami akong nakuhang limos.” Pulubi 2: “‘Sensya na pare, nagbagong buhay na ko. Solmux na ang sinisinghot ko ngayon!”

3: “Mario, ilabas mo nga ‘yang sawsawan ng tuyo.”
“Alin po ‘Tay, ‘yong Tiki-tiki o ‘yong Dimetapp?”

2: “Ate, ubos na ‘yong gatas ni baby.”
“Puwes, magtimpla ka ng Aspilets!”

And the no. 1 sign that the Cheaper Medicines Act has (oddly) changed the lives of the country’s poorest…

1: “Wala na pong NFA rice sa lalagyan Inay.”
“Huwag kang mag-alala anak. Isaing mo ‘yang Biogesic.”

Cheaper Medicines Bill Ratified II

Congress has ratified the cheaper drugs bill. Yup, cheaper drugs. The Gucci Gang will be pleased.

Spike Man Strikes Anew

Lawyer Elly Velez Pamatong filed criminal charges against Pope Benedict XVI and Manila Archbishop Gaudencio Cardinal Rosales for allegedly telling mythical stories, swindling their followers and disturbing public order – in short, religion.

Spike Man Strikes Anew II

Lawyer Elly Pamatong filed criminal charges against Pope Benedict XVI and Manila Archbishop Gaudencio Cardinal Rosales for allegedly telling mythical stories to swindle their followers. When the leaders of INC, El Shaddai, Jesus Is Lord Movement, and Ang Dating Daan heard the news, they instructed their lawyers to “Be ready. Just in case…”

Waterworld

Environmentalist warned that global warming may turn the Philippines into “waterworld” with the country’s 7,107 islands reduced to 6,000 because we will be under a permanent high tide. Everyone who heard the warning was alarmed – except for some congressmen who said they’ll never be afraid of water - which was understandable since crocodiles are amphibious.

RICE RICE BABY

Access Cards

DSWD Secretary Esperanza Cabral revealed that some of the people on the list to receive rice access cards turned out to be dead. That’s how widespread the food crisis has become. It’s not just global. It’s metaphysical.

Access Cards II

Social Welfare Secretary Esperanza Cabral revealed that some of the people on the list submitted by local government leaders to receive rice access cards turned out to be dead. The dry run for the 2010 elections has unofficially begun.

Top 5 Things A Very Poor Person Wouldn’t Wanna Hear While Lined Up to Buy Rice at an NFA Outlet in their Barangay

5: “Palimos po. Palimos po.”

4: “Ssssh, ‘wag kang maingay mare. Oo, pampitong balik ko na ‘to. Pamangkin ko kasi ‘yong taga-NFA. ‘Wag ka sabing maingay!”

3: “Holdup ‘to! Akin na ‘yang treinta pesos mo!”

2: “Makinig! ‘Yong mga bumoto kay kapitan, humanay sa isang linya. ‘Yong mga hindi bumoto, pasensya na po, kulang talaga ang supply na dumating.”

And the no. 1 thing a very poor person wouldn’t want to hear while lined up to buy rice at an NFA outlet in their barangay…

1: “I’m getting impatient na! This line is really so bagal. Gosh! Late na ko for a movie in Rockwell.”

HOMOPHOBE

Cost of Living

According to the National Wages and Productivity Commission, a family of six living in Metro Manila needs at least P858 a day to live a decent life. If that’s true, then why are there politicians, high-ranking government officials, senators, and congressmen who earn thrice or five times more and yet, they’re “barely decent?”

Anti-Gay

Monsignor Achilles Dakay, spokesman for the Archdiocese of Cebu said the patient’s homosexuality was to blame for the rectal surgery video scandal at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center in Cebu City. Monsignor Dakay wouldn’t be saying that if only he conducted rectal exam on all priests under his diocese.

Anti-Gay II

Monsignor Achilles Dakay, spokesman for the Archdiocese of Cebu is blaming the patient for the YouTube rectal surgery scandal saying, “the homosexual act was done very badly.” I just don’t get it. Why do priests, when it comes to committing homosexual acts, pretend to always know more?

Anti-Gay III

Monsignor Achilles Dakay, spokesman for the Archdiocese of Cebu blamed the patient for the YouTube rectal surgery scandal and reminded that, “From day one, we are asking the public not to forget the main issue: the homosexual act was done very badly.” The public would love to know Dakay’s idea of a homosexual act done “very nicely.”

Earth Day

The Philippines joined the whole world in celebrating Earth Day. In southern Luzon, local governments conducted beach clean-up; in Makati, foundations organized fun run events; in Mindanao, environmental groups planted seedlings, and in Cebu, doctors and nurses participated in the removal of an empty can from their patient’s rectum.

Good Place to Live

After being named one of the Top 10 Asian Cities of the Future, Cebu City made it to the top 20 list of “Best Places to Live” in the country – except for sexually active gay men.

“Sisig Queen” Buried

Luciana “Aling Lucing” Cunanan, the culinary legend from Pampanga who invented the famous “sisig,” has been laid to rest a week after she was brutally murdered. While her coffin was being lowered into the grave, loved ones threw flowers, a pig’s head, grilled liver, fresh eggs, minced garlic, chopped onions, calamansi juice, chili peppers, and a teaspoon of brown sugar.

STUCK ON YOU (Tube) II

Erap’s Birthday Bash

Former president Joseph Estrada’s very private birthday celebration last Saturday was attended only by his closest friends and family members. The party, organized by Jackie and Jude, went smoothly sans any unpleasant incident – mainly because JV Ejercito was not present to exchange dagger-filled looks with Jinggoy.

Spotted at Erap’s party were presidential contenders Senators Manny Villar, Loren Legarda, and Mar Roxas. Sen. Panfilo Lacson was conspicuously absent although his no-show was expected of someone who has near zero chance of getting the endorsement of the former president.

All news organizations were barred from covering the birthday party of former president Joseph Estrada last Saturday. But according to Philippine Daily Inquirer reporter Nancy C. Carvajal, “the Inquirer newspaper was allowed inside the party by one of Estrada’s allies.” Let’s just hope that the Inquirer won’t be forced to issue another erratum after the publication of Carvajal’s story.

Postscript to a “YouTubed’ Rectal Surgery

Officials of the VSMMC in Cebu said administrative charges will be slapped against three doctors and a nurse for allowing the videotaping of the rectal surgery on a gay man last January 3. In other words, VSMMC officials found the videotaping wrong but the “partying” (cheering and laughing) during the procedure was okay.

After conducting an investigation, officials of the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center (VSMMC) in Cebu will file administrative charges against three doctors and a nurse for allowing the videotaping of the rectal surgery on a gay man last January 3. People are asking why only four people are being charged when almost a dozen others joined the “party frenzy.” Hospital officials explained, “The others were gatecrashers.”

According to VSMMC’s website, one of the hospital’s specific objectives was to reduce the “patient’s length of stay from 5.79 to 5.5 days.” Now that the whole world knows how your doctors and nurses behave, consider that objective achieved.

“Danilo,” the gay man in the rectal surgery video said he only learned of the video clip on YouTube last April 11 after a barangay captain informed him about it. It was not immediately known how and why the barangay captain recognized the patient’s rectum.

The gay man in the rectal surgery video said he only learned that the video clip was already on YouTube after a barangay captain informed him about it last April 11. It was not immediately known why the barangay captain was watching “such stuff” on YouTube.

The gay man in the controversial rectal surgery video said he only learned that the video clip was on YouTube when a barangay captain informed him about it last April 11. In a related report immediately dismissed as irrelevant by the barangay captain… his wife has decided to cut his Internet connection.

Reporters from various news organizations couldn’t agree on the “stuff” removed from Danilo’s rectum. Some say it was a canister of perfume. Others believe it was a bottle of body spray while some claim it was deodorant or lotion. Reporters seem to agree on one thing though: it was big! No, not the object. The rectum.

Garbage Problem

Pedro Cuerpo, the Rodriguez, Rizal mayor who was suspended for illegally collecting fees from garbage haulers, threatened anew to ban Metro Manila garbage trucks from the town’s landfills… which is understandable because if you have someone like Cuerpo in your town, who needs garbage?

I Am Not Ellen Tordesillas

This is funny. I received a message (posted in my blog’s comment section) from a certain Gang (writer/performer Lourd Ernest De Veyra’s co-host on NU107’s Sunday talkshow). She was inviting me to guest on their program. But the message opened with the line: “Hello Ellen”

A baffled me emailed her back, and in jest, I said, “I’m not Ellen. I’m Oprah.” It turned out that somebody misinformed Gang that “The Professional Heckler” was Malaya columnist Ellen Tordesillas. I don’t have a beef with (the anti-Arroyo) Ms. Tordesillas but nope, hindi po ako ‘yon. Iginagalang po si Ms Tordesillas samantalang ako ay binabasa lang.

Have a great week ahead!

Personal

Greetings to Von Falcon and the staff of the Livestock Division of the Department of Agriculture in Caraga Region. Thanks for visiting this blog guys. Para mas masaya, visit kayo ng Manila!

STUCK ON YOU (Tube)

Controversial Rectal Surgery

Doctors and nurses at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center in Cebu City (President Arroyo’s bailiwick) are under fire for videotaping the surgery conducted on a man to remove a canister of cologne from his rectum. The video, which found its way into YouTube (but recently removed ) showed doctors and nurses cheering, laughing, and applauding as if the gay man had delivered a baby. The DOH has initiated an investigation. Sought for a reaction, the management of the hospital said, “That tape was edited and altered. We have the original tape.” (Hmmm… sounds familiar.)

Controversial Rectal Surgery II

Doctors and nurses at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center (VSMMC) in Cebu City are under fire for videotaping the surgery conducted on a man to remove a canister of cologne from his rectum. (The canister got stuck after the patient had sex with a male prostitute on New Year’s Eve.) The video, which found its way into YouTube, showed doctors and nurses cheering, laughing, and applauding during the operation. The management of the hospital refused to apologize saying the cheering and the laughing was just part of the VSMMC’s New Year’s Day celebration.

Controversial Rectal Surgery III

Doctors and nurses at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center (VSMMC) in Cebu City could face a lawsuit for videotaping the surgery conducted on a man to remove a canister of cologne from his rectum. Worried about the cost of a legal battle, the VSMMC management plans to demand advertising fee from the manufacturer of the cologne.

Controversial Rectal Surgery IV

Doctors and nurses at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center (VSMMC) in Cebu City could face a lawsuit for videotaping the surgery conducted on a man to remove a canister of cologne from his rectum. The video, which found its way into YouTube showed doctors and nurses cheering, laughing, and applauding during the operation. Actually, the uploaded video was incomplete. What the public failed to see was the altercation that ensued because doctors and nurses couldn’t agree on who should take home the cologne.

Most Populous

According to the 2007 census of the National Statistics Office, Cebu is now the most populous province in the country… which is not really surprising considering that even gay men in Cebu “give birth.”

In Other News…

Erap for 2010 Campaign

In an initial effort to persuade deposed president Joseph Estrada to run in 2010, officials of his political party presented to him yesterday a notebook containing 80,250 signatures of Erap die-hards from Pasig. Estrada was so moved by the support, he now seriously considers running – for mayor of Pasig.

Enjoy your weekend!

SUPER GLO!

Emergency Powers for GMA

La Union Rep. Thomas Dumpit Jr., a neophyte administration ally in the Lower House, filed a resolution seeking to grant President Arroyo “emergency powers” to immediately and effectively address the food crisis. A devout Catholic, Congressman Dumpit is hopeful that the “powers” would help the equally religious President Arroyo to turn ants into rice grains, and stones into pan de sal. (If that happens, expect her satisfaction rating to shoot up to 100 %!)

Wage Hike

President Arroyo on Monday said she wanted the minimum wages across the country raised. Mrs. Arroyo made the decision over the weekend just seconds after learning that Haiti’s Prime Minister Jacques Edouard Alexis was ousted over the rising food cost in the impoverished country.

Income Tax Returns

Today, April 15, 2008 is the last day for the filing of income tax returns… otherwise known as Dishonesty Promotion Day.

Disinherited

Sen. Jamby Madrigal has filed a case in court contesting her being disinherited from the estate of her late multi-millionaire aunt and high-society icon, Consuelo “Chito” Madrigal-Collantes. Just when we thought that only her Senate colleagues have a loathing for her…

Disinherited II

Sen. Jamby Madrigal has filed a case in court after being disinherited from the multi-million estate of high-society icon Chito Madrigal-Collantes who died very recently. Close friends of the senator tend to believe persistent rumors that the late octogenarian socialite was homophobic.

DJ Montano and Brian Gorrell

Delfin Justiniano “DJ” Ocampo Montano appeared on Korina Sanchez’ ANC show recently and strongly denied all the allegations raised by ex-boyfriend Australian blogger Brian Gorrell. From drug use to swindling to his knowledge of the mysterious death of a Tantoco scion, he denied everything. In fact, rumor has it he’s appearing again on another Korina Today episode just to deny that he’s gay and that he knew Brian Gorrell.

WAR(NING)

War Over Food

The chief of the International Monetary Fund warned of social unrest if food prices remain high – which is actually nothing for a majority of Filipinos who have gotten used to sociopolitical unrest since 2001.

Gonzales on Food Prices

Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales believes that the looming rice shortage could spark riots in the country similar to the social unrest happening in Haiti - a claim dismissed by his critics as  ridiculous saying: “Eh ‘yong pagiging justice secretary nga niya, enough reason na ‘yon to spark riots but it did’nt. Rice shortage pa kaya? !“  

Ousted Over Food Cost

The prime minister of Haiti has been ousted over soaring prices of food and fuel prices. A similar scenario wouldn’t happen here because Filipinos are so forgiving - a tv appearance and an “I’m sorry” statement are enough to pacify them.

Pardon

A Malacañang insider says President Arroyo is inclined to grant executive clemency to the nine convicted Magdalo officers who apologized last week and sought forgiveness from the public. When the soldiers said sorry on TV, the president felt nostalgic.

Indicted

Assistant Manila City prosecutor Dennis Aguila found probable cause to indict entertainment columnist Lolit Solis for libel for implying that Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby were gay. A trial will then follow. Sounds funny but it’s in fact, happening – Sam and Piolo’s sexuality will be decided indirectly by the courts.

Indicted II

Assistant Manila City prosecutor Dennis Aguila found probable cause to indict entertainment columnist Lolit Solis for libel for implying that Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby were gay. Friends and families of the rumored couple hope that the indictment would help “un-gay” public perception of the two actors.

ANG PAN DE SAL, BOW!

Pan De Sal and Soaring Prices

Prices of pan de sal and other bread products are expected to rise in the middle of this month. But that’s understandable since… pawis ang puhunan ng mga panadero sa paggawa n’yan.

Top 5 Signs that Your Favorite Pan de sal and Other Bread Products Have Shrunk to an Alarming Size

5: Your usual 10-minute breakfast is reduced to 5 minutes.

4: “Brazo de Mercedes” is renamed by bakers and is now known as “daliri de Mercedes.”

3: During breakfast, you use the pan de sal as palaman to your fried eggs.

2: Your 7-year old daughter approaches you and boasts of a newly-learned stunt from her yaya: “Ang paglunok ng tatlong pirasong pan de sal — sabay-sabay!”

And the No.1 sign that your favorite pan de sal has shrunk to an alarming size…

1: When you go to the bakery and say, “Pabili nga po ng pan de sal,” the baker would reply, “Ilang tablets?”

Have a great weekend!

PRETTIER THAN PINK

Golez Hates Pink

Parañaque Rep. Roilo Golez criticized MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando for using pink in road and traffic signs saying this violates international color standards for such signs. He wants red and white instead. If every congressman in Metro Manila would have as much idle time as this Congressman Golez, the metro could become a rainbow.

Golez Hates Pink II

Congressman Roilo Golez criticized MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando for using pink in road and traffic signs saying this violates international color standards, and recommends red and white instead. Apparently, lawmaking is such an easy job, Golez still finds time to dabble in art education.

Abante and Playboy

Manila Rep. Bienvenido Abante vowed to go to court and lead a rally to protest the release of Playboy magazine in the Philippines which he says threatens to corrupt our moral values. If reading Playboy indeed corrupts moral values, then Congressman Abante should target his colleagues in Congress because they could be keeping copies of the magazine.

Life for Magdalo Leaders

Two ringleaders of the failed Oakwood mutiny, Captains Gerardo Gambala and Milo Maestrecampo were sentenced to reclusion perpetua or 20 to 40 years imprisonment. It was too late for Gambala and Maestrecampo to realize that in this country, a majority of Filipinos tend to support only good looking and charming mutinous soldiers like Trillanes and Honasan.

Corny Corner

What did Judge Oscar Pimentel of the Makati Regional Trial Court Branch 148 tell Captains Gerardo Gambala and Milo Maestrecampo during sentencing?
Get a life!

Indelible Ink

“Indelible” ink is being used by the National Food Authority in the Bicol region to mark consumers who are each entitled to buy one kilogram of cheap rice per day. If worse comes to worst, the NFA may be forced to determine the most deserving buyers of limited cheap rice – through an election. (Campaign period to start soon!)

Cops and Robbers

Motorcycle riding thieves carted away P300,000 from a police official who withdrew the money from a bank in Manila - something that’s really odd since it’s the cop who usually goes home with the stash.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MRS. PRESIDENT!

Bunye and Erap

According to Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye, ex-president Joseph Estrada called him up to relay his birthday wishes to President Arroyo. But Estrada refuses to confirm Bunye’s claim. Fortunately for Bunye, ISAFP soldiers allegedly have a taped copy of the conversation.

Top 5 Birthday Gifts Received But Reportedly Trashed by President Arroyo

5: A new book titled: “S is for Sassafras: 101 Ways to Cure Speech Defects”

4: A lifetime subscription to the Philippine Daily Inquirer

3: A serving of pork, a kilo of rice, a sack of fertilizer, a ballot box, and a new SIM card (promise, hindi siya tapped)

2: Free broadband connection

And the No. 1 birthday gift received but allegedly trashed by President Arroyo…

1: A Gift Certificate that entitles her to a private “healing mass” with Fr. Fernando Suarez plus a bonus Holy Communion from Archbishop Oscar Cruz if the healing mass turns out to be “successful.”

The AFP and the Spratlys

The military is reportedly planning to convert the Spratlys into a tourist destination. The bad news: tourist will be allowed to visit the islands only if they carried Chinese visa.

More JLo Rallies

Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada vowed to continue with his public appearances (despite alleged attempts by some groups to ruin his credibility) until the public has known the truth – or maybe, until such time his handlers have collected enough donation for his “sanctuary fund.”

Bong Revilla Cries

According to his talent manager, Sen. Bong Revilla couldn’t stop crying when his 19-year-old daughter Inah announced her plan to get married next month. A huge number of Filipinos had the same reaction when the Comelec announced Bong’s victory as a senator a few years back.

Boxers Win

Official event broadcaster ABS-CBN trumpeted the wins of three Filipino boxers in the fight dubbed INVASION held at the Araneta Coliseum Saturday. The results of the fights were so lopsided boxing analysts tend to believe the invaders were actually women pretending to be men.

Japan’s Oldest Dies

Japan’s oldest person, 113-year-old Kaku Yamanaka, has died at a hospital in her home city of Yatomi in Aichi prefecture. Yamanaka had 25 grand children, 15 great grand children, and 12 great great grand children. She died of exhaustion… after reading children’s stories to all of them.

Soulja Boys in Prison

Over two million people have clicked the URL of the video showing Cebu inmates dancing to Souljaboy’s hit Crank That.

PIGS

Signature Campaign for Erap

Character actor Rez Cortez, one of the initiators of the ERAP 2010 for President Movement vows to gather one million signatures by April 19 to persuade the former president to run for president in 2010. Apparently, Cortez is not aware that Erap’s campaign started the day he was pardoned.

Signature Campaign for Erap II

Character actor Rez Cortez launched a signature campaign to persuade former president Joseph Estrada to run for president in 2010. Erap is exercising extra caution though because the last time Cortez led a similar campaign, his presidential candidate ended up dead.

Bishops and Land Reform

Twenty-nine Catholic bishops, including six archbishops want 1.3 million hectares of haciendas distributed to farmers. Hinay-hinay lang po… buhay pa si Tita Cory.

Bishops and Land Reform II

Six archbishops and 23 bishops want 1.3 million hectares of haciendas distributed to farmers. When Hacienda Luisita owner and former president Corazon Cojuangco Aquino heard the news, the more she wished she’d live longer.

Swine Program Scam?

The Commission on Audit reported that billions of pesos allotted for the government’s swine program were missing. Babuyan na ‘to!

Nograles and Corruption

House Speaker Prospero Nograles is pushing for the passage of anti-corruption bills saying corruption is a “deadly virus.” Virus? Yes. But deadly? May narinig na ba kayong congressman na namatay dahil sa pork barrel?

 Gabby, GMA, and ABS-CBN

Comebacking actor Gabby Concepcion is under fire for signing a movie contract with GMA Films several weeks back and accepting the 1.5 million-peso downpayment. When he returned home though, he opted to become an exclusive ABS-CBN tv and movie talent.  GMA Films is asking Concepcion to at least honor his movie commitment - a plea that would likely fall on deaf ears. How do you expect him to honor a film project when he has failed to honor his commitment to at least three women he married?  

RICE AND FALL

Half Rice

McDonald’s will start serving half rice to its customers starting April 17 in an effort to help conserve the country’s supply of the staple… a move that should have been done a long time ago when McDonald’s first served its emaciated half chicken!

This Just In! Tokyo Tokyo has sent word that it would not stop its “Eat All You Kanin” promo despite the looming rice crisis. Instead, it will modify the promo title and call it “Eat All You Kanin… While Supplies Last.”

Sex Education

The Department of Education is set to launch sex education in public schools. That’s how serious this government is in preparing for the looming rice crisis.

Top 5 Signs That There’s An (Extremely) Severe Rice Shortage (As in sobra na!)

5: During meals, you don’t use spoon and pork for the rice. You use tweezers.

4: When sparrows or ibong maya in rice fields starts feeding - on scarecrows.

3: When you order rice at McDonald’s, the McDo crew would always ask: “Rice ba sir? Ilang grains po?”

2: When the only rice you actually see on television… is Condoleeza Rice. (And your kid starts asking if she’s edible.)

And the No. 1 sign that there’s an extremely severe rice shortage (As in sobra na!)…

1: When you hear your neighbor tell her maid, “Indaaay… gumagabi na. Magsaing ka na ng Boy Bawang.”

Irreplaceable

Because of her ailment, former president Corazon Aquino cannot join the scheduled series of “mass for truth” that she initiated in support of NBN ZTE witness Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada. Kris Aquino has reportedly offered to take the place of her sick mother but Lozada’s handlers declined… mainly because he didn’t want to be upstaged.

Cruz, Communion & the Arroyos

A congressman has asked the CBCP to sanction Archbishop Oscar Cruz for allegedly lying when he denied saying that he wouldn’t give the Holy Communion to “public sinners” like President Arroyo. Asked what he would do next if he would be stripped of his priesthood, Cruz jokingly replied, “Magtatanim ako ng kamote.” Of course, he’s kidding. He’s so good at lambasting the government; ABS-CBN would surely be interested in giving him a radio program.

Lotto Winner (Daw!)

According to the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office, a single bettor from Quezon City won the 249 million peso-jackpot prize in the 6/49 SuperLotto draw last night. That’s according to PCSO. Either we believe them or we don’t. Hmmm, we don’t really have a choice, do we?

Robbery in QC

A cell-phone distribution firm in Quezon City lost an undetermined amount of cash and a service vehicle to fully-armed robbers posing as policemen over the weekend. That’s the sad reality about our law enforcers – even if the robbers staged the heist as themselves, the victims would still suspect them as cops.

Personal

Would you like to win exclusive invites to the special advance screening of NIM’S ISLAND starring Jodie Foster, Abigail Breslin, and Gerard Butler? Simple. Just key in “XFM Nim’s Island (Your Name)” and send to 0920.923.5639. Screening happens Tuesday, April 8 at Powerplant Mall Cinema 3. Limited tickets are available so hurry! If you’re lucky, you’ll receive a confirmation message. Save this message and show it on the premiere night to receive your invites. There will also be reserved seats for you. For details click here.

BODY OF CHRIST…

Cruz and the Holy Communion

Lingayen-Dagupan Archbishop Oscar Cruz said the other day, “public sinners” should not be given the Holy Sacrament of Communion including, he said, President Arroyo. Sought for her reaction, the president allegedly promised that from this day on she will just commit sins… in private.

Cruz and the Holy Communion II

Archbishop Oscar Cruz denied telling in a forum Wednesday that he would not give communion to President Arroyo and explained that the media misinterpreted his statement… something that’s not exactly surprising considering that Cruz and the local media are on the same side of the fence.

Communist Directive

On the eve of its armed wing’s 39th anniversary, the Communist Party of the Philippines ordered the New People’s Army’s to “increase the number of guerrilla fronts from the current level of 120-130 to 173, to cover all congressional districts in the provinces.” And in case it fails, the CPP will just try to cover all congressional districts through the party-list elections.

Brian Gorrell’s Blog

ABS-CBN News Online posted an article today on the controversial blog of Australian swindling victim Brian Gorrell. The title of the article is: “Online libel: Aussie blogger’s victims are helpless” The Lopez network calls it “news,” Brian’s readers call it “damage control.”

Brian Gorrell’s Blog II

ABS-CBN News posted an article today on the controversial blog of Australian swindling victim Brian Gorrell. The article is titled, “Online libel: Aussie blogger’s victims helpless”
The Gucci Gang? Helpless victims? Wait… I’ll have to check if ABS-CBN News Online has turned into a humor blog.

Enjoy your weekend!

CORY’S BIG C

BEFORE YOU COULD even accuse me of insouciance, let me tell you that I belong to a family with a history of cancer. Two aunts died of throat cancer, an uncle succumbed to liver cancer, another uncle of bone cancer, a first cousin of breast cancer, and two years ago, my father lost his battle against three forms of the disease: lymphoma, left lung carcinoma and brain cancer. Ergo, the statistical probability of me dying from cancer is pretty high, even higher than… say, Kris Aquino winning an acting award in the next 10 years. That being said, let’s talk about the day’s biggest news: Frank Drilon’s tears! Just kidding.

Cory’s Cancer

The icon of democracy, former president Corazon Aquino has colon cancer. Her children said that weight loss was one of the more noticeable symptoms of the disease. Fortunately, it wasn’t liver cancer; otherwise, they would have a hard time noticing the symptom – paninilaw.

Cory’s Cancer II

Sen. Noynoy Aquino and sister Kris announced that their mom, former president Cory Aquino has colon cancer. Viewers find it ironic though that while it’s Cory who’s cancer-stricken, Noynoy’s the one who’s losing hair.

Cory’s Cancer III

Upon learning that his friend Cory has colon cancer, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim shed tears in front of a tv camera. Actually, Mayor Lim really wanted to cry on tv after his son’s arrest for drug dealing. But he just couldn’t. Yesterday, he took advantage of the opportunity to let it all out.

Cory’s Cancer IV

Holding back her tears, Cory’s controversial daughter Kris told Korina Sanchez, “Kung puwede nga lang sana, ako na lang ang magkasakit, ‘wag na siya.” (Oo nga Kris, kung puwede lang sana.)

Breaking News!

Seven week-pregnant Kris Aquino suffered a miscarriage today, March 25. O ‘yan Kris… wish granted!

IN OTHER NEWS…

SC Favors Neri

Voting 9 to 6, the Supreme Court granted CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri’s petition seeking to prevent the Senate from forcing him to answer questions on the anomalous NBN ZTE deal covered by executive privilege. Neri’s secrets will be safe for now.

Ban Boxing

Cong. Edno Joson wants Congress to ban boxing since many young boys are lured to it because of the thought that entering the ring is the easiest way to get rich. Following the same argument, then we might as well ban Congress.

Noli Is No. 1

What’s News: Vice President Noli de Castro topped the latest survey on presidentiables conducted by Pulse Asia.
Good News: Buti na lang, hindi ngayon ang eleksyon!