SILICONE VALLEY

GMA’s Health
After initially dismissing it as just a “rumor,” the president’s spokesman, Cerge Remonde finally admitted that Mrs. Arroyo had breast augmentation 20 years ago. Still, Remonde’s revelation did not answer the bigger question: why is Mike Arroyo still unhappy?

The president’s spokesman, Cerge Remonde admitted that Mrs. Arroyo had breast augmentation 20 years ago but vehemently denied that she was hospitalized last week because of “leaking breast implants.” Unsatisfied with Remonde’s explanation, the Senate is conducting a probe on the matter.

Cerge Remonde was not supposed to confirm reports that President Arroyo’s got fake breasts… until former press secretary Ignacio Bunye organized his own press con and in an attempt to defend his former boss, he told the press, “There are two sets of breasts. One was real, the other was fake.”

Unconfirmed reports say former senator Luisa Ejercito had come to the defense of President Arroyo on the issue of breast augmentation. Speaking before some members of the media, the ex-first lady called on the public to respect Mrs. Arroyo as “a leader” and “as a woman.” Ejercito then excused herself, and said, “Maiwan ko muna kayo. Magpapalit lang ako ng ilong.”

It’s confirmed! Twenty years ago, President Arroyo had a boob job. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he said, “Eh ano namang masama dun? ‘Buti nga may trabaho ‘yong tao.”

Light Bites
Q: How did the issue of the president’s breast augmentation reach the media?
A: It “leaked.”

Q: Before the president’s boob job, how did the First Gentleman’s friends call him?
A: Sawimpalad.
Q: After the president’s boob job, how was he called then?
A: Kapuspalad.
(Note: Subject to confirmation.)

Top 20 Movie Remakes About the President and Her Breasts

No. 20: Bukas Lulusog ang mga Tala

No. 19: Orapronobreast

No. 18: The Silence of the Lumps

No. 17: Tatlong Taong Walang Juice (Subtitle: Eeew!)

No. 16: I Know What You Did 20 Years Ago

No. 15: Doctor Dodolittle

No. 14: I Still Know What You Did Last Week

No. 13: The Grapes of Rot (Subtitle: Nang Biglang May Tumulo)

No. 12: Sinapo Ka Ngunit Kulang

No. 11: Honey, I Blew Up My Breast (20 Years Ago)

No. 10: An Inconvenient Growth

No. 9: Honey, I Shrunk My Breast (Last Week)

No. 8: The Chronicles of Gloria: The Liar, The Bitch and the Implant

No. 7: Kapag Suso’y Sinugatan

No. 6: What’s Dripping Gloria’s Grapes?

No. 5: There’s Something About Mammary

No. 4: The Devil Wears Fake Bra

No. 3: Sinungaling Mong Suso

No. 2: The Pursuit of Cup-E-ness

And the No. 1 movie remake about the president and her breasts…

The Year of Leaking Dangerously
___________
“B is for Breasts of which ladies have two; Once prized for the function, Now for the view.”
~Robert Paul Smith

Have a productive week ahead!

IMELDA

Birthday Girl
Former First Lady Imelda Marcos celebrated her 80th birthday on July 2. Insisting that she’s nearly broke, she opted to host a very modest party. To give you an idea how modest it was, the candles she used for her cake… were made from her husband’s thighs.

One of the greediest people of all time (according to Newsweek magazine) just turned 80! Imelda Marcos became an octogenarian on July 2, 2009. You know what that means? She can be the next Senate president or mayor of Manila!

Top 10 Ways Imelda Marcos Celebrated Her 80th Birthday

No. 10: Spent hours lecturing her most famous grandson on the bad effects of “ecstasy”

No. 9: Torched hundreds of current and past issues of Newsweek magazine

No. 8: Watched videos of her all-time favorite local reality show, “Born Diva”

No. 7: Laid a wreath of flowers at her late husband’s imaginary tomb at the Libingan ng mga Bayani

No. 6: With daughters Imee, Irene, & Aimee, and Marcos loyalist Cherry Cobarrubias, plus a medium, visited the Manila Film Center and conducted a séance. She sought forgiveness from the “spirits” for whatever “harm I have caused you.”

No. 5: Learned the steps of “Single Ladies” and “Jai Ho” with her favorite dancing partner, PCGG Chairman Camilo Sabio

No. 4: Sponsored a high school essay writing and art contest with the theme, “Tatlumpu’t Anim na Taon ng Martial Law: Kagandahan, Kapayapaan, at Kaunlaran”

No. 3: Visited the metro’s slums to “spread beauty and hope”

No. 2: Defrosted and cleaned her favorite refrigerator… “dahil ayaw ni Ferdie na madumi ang kanyang higaan.”

And the No. 1 way Imelda Marcos celebrated her 80th birthday…

Same as last year: injected herself with a dose of formaldehyde – good enough for another year!

________________
“They call me corrupt, frivolous. I am not at all privileged. Maybe the only privileged thing is my face. And corrupt? God! I would not look like this if I am corrupt. Some ugliness would settle down on my system.”
~ Imelda Marcos

Elsewhere…
President Arroyo and… what? A boob job?! Holy mammary glands Batman! Here’s a titillating report from Newsbreak Online. (And be sure to come back here ‘coz that’s one topic I wanted to feast on next. I mean, the procedure, not her boob!)

Personal
Good news fellow Kobe and LA Lakers fanatics. The Black Mamba will drop by Manila on July 21. Awesome!

Enjoy your weekend!

Survey Says…
Can Prof. Randy David beat President Arroyo in Pampanga?
Definitely: 40%
Maybe: 31%
No Way: 29%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

‘NAKNAMPUTSCH

Zelaya and Arroyo
Leftist Honduran President Manuel Zelaya, who wanted to extend his term beyond January 2010, was recently ousted in a military coup. Asked if the news alarmed her, President Arroyo replied, “Bakit?!? Leftisht ba ‘ko?”

Did you hear the news about the Honduran president who wanted to extend his term beyond 2010 but was ousted in a military coup instead? Here’s a piece of trivia about him: he is not an adopted member of the Honduran Army chief’s military class.

World leaders denounced the military in Honduras for ousting President Zelaya in a coup. US President Barack Obama told the coup plotters, “Do that in America and you’ll be jailed!” Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez warned them, “Do that in Caracas and you’ll be dead!” Philippine President Arroyo told them, “Do that in Manila and you’ll be senator!”

Sen. Lito Lapid was in the US when he first heard the news about the military coup that ousted Honduran President Zelaya. A concerned Lapid immediately phoned President Arroyo and told her, “Madam President, ‘wag na po tayong mag-Con Ass. Baka matulad kayo kay Presidente Zelaya. Hayun, pinatalsik ng AFP ng Honduras.”

Poll Automation
Heard about the consortium that won the Commission on Election’s poll automation contract? Barbados-based Smartmatic and its Filipino partner Total Information Management Corp. vowed to do quick counting of votes in 2010. Fast, speedy, rapid, swift counting of votes. In 48 hours, it’ll be over. They’re that quick! And to further give you an idea how fast this group works, they have already dissolved the consortium even before the polls could take place!

Comelec Chief Jose Melo is confident Smartmatic and Total Information Management Corp. will set aside their “irreconcilable differences” and reunite for next year’s poll automation. Melo advised the two firms to try what he called “marriage of convenience.” You know, the same thing that will soon unite Mar and Korina.

Iran Polls
The unrest in Iran continues. Protesters want a re-election and not just a recount of votes amid cheating allegations. Yup, a re-election! You know who’s challenging the unpopular Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Randy David!

Michael Jackson’s Wealth
According to the Wall Street Journal, a 2002 will by Michael Jackson specifies that his estate will be divided among his mother, three children and one or more charities. This early though, the King of Pop’s family is bracing for a court battle… as Jamby Madrigal files a case contesting her being disinherited from the late singer’s estate.

Belo and Kho
According to lawyer Lorna Kapunan, “the old Hayden Kho is dead” and the new Hayden “is trying to be better.” In fact, Hayden swore he would never record his sexual trysts with different women again. He’ll just let a videographer do it for him!

Belo and Kho II
Almost two weeks after sexy actress Katrina Halili filed separate complaints seeking to revoke the professional and business licenses of Hayden Kho, and Vicki Belo’s clinic respectively, the grapevine is ripe with rumors that Hayden is still in a state of shock… while Belo is in a state of decomposition.

__________
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”
~Albert Camus

Elsewhere…

Newsbreak asks… will the administration go for Noli or for Gibo in 2010?

Manila Standard’s Vic Agustin: Katrina Legarda vs. Loren Legarda.

20th Jaime V. Ongpin Awards for Excellence in Journalism: The Finalists.

TRIBUTES

Michael Jackson, 50
It’s confirmed: Michael Jackson is in heaven. But angels are keeping a close eye on him because he has become strangely too chummy – with cherubs.

The world famous dancing Cebu inmates paid tribute to Michael Jackson by singing and dancing to four of his hits. Not to be upstaged, controversial cougar Vicki Belo has also paid tribute to the “king of pop” – by replacing her current face with a fourth one.

Some of country’s socialites are also paying tribute to Michael Jackson. Vicky Zubiri, Imelda Cojuangco, Tingting Cojuangco, and Baby Arenas are donating used faces to charity.

Arroyo’s Travels
Between 2001 and 2009, President Arroyo reportedly made 50 foreign trips. Yup, 50 trips abroad in nine years! But that’s nothing compared to what she’s accomplished this year alone: 51 trips to Pampanga!

PCGG’s Sabio
Official records show that Camilo Sabio, the controversial chairman of the Presidential Commission on Good Government has traveled abroad at least 18 times in the last year and a half, or almost once every month. That makes him a perfect candidate for president.

Pampanga Politics
Good News: Propesor Randy David, umani ng suporta sa planong pagtakbo laban kay Gloria
Bad News: Mga taong sumusuporta hindi residente ng Pampanga

Good News: Mar Roxas, inanunsyo ang suporta sa kandidatura ni Randy David sa Pampanga
Bad News: Guesting ng propesor at asawa sa Wowowee, pinaplantsa na!

Pampanga Politics II
Initial reports say there are three possible candidates for the gubernatorial post in Pampanga: Lilia Pineda, Lito Lapid and Mikey Arroyo. In another report dismissed as irrelevant by those three potential bets, 50% of Pampanga voters consider relocating to neighboring provinces.

________
“The curiosity of the neighbors about you, is a tribute to your individuality, and you should encourage it.”
~ Quentin Crisp

Survey Says…
When you die, would you rather be forgotten or hatefully remembered?
Forgotten: 67%
Hatefully remembered: 33%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

A THRILLER: MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD

BREAKING NEWS!

The King of Pop – Michael Jackson is dead at 50. As of 7am today, no one could confirm the cause of his death but sketchy reports reaching the Professional Heckler say he died of glutathione overdose.

The “glutha overdose” theory was fueled by Michael Jackson’s alleged last words: “I’m glad I’ve met… the Lord.”

A devastated Janet Jackson told the press: “She’s out of my life.”

Michael Jackson is dead. As of 7 am today, nobody could confirm the real cause of his passing but another sketchy report reaching the Professional Heckler says he died of prolonged embarrassment.

As of 7am today, the real cause of Michael Jackson’s death is still unknown. But that wouldn’t last long as the Philippine Senate and the House of Representatives embark on a joint probe of his death.

This just in! God has released a one-line statement confirming that Michael Jackson has already reached heaven. It says: “The girl is mine.”

Separated At Birth?
Sen. Migz Zubiri’s mom, socialite Vicky Zubiri and Michael Jackson

Do come back here for more!

Wait a minute…
Farrah Fawcett has also died.
Her final words? “Good morning Charlie.”

Personal
Seriously speaking, MJ’s a legendary entertainment icon who’ll be greatly missed. The Professional Heckler’s favorite Michael Jackson song? Find out here.

HOUSE IN DANGER

H1N1 Death
The bad news is Asia’s first Influenza A (H1N1) fatality was from the House of Representatives. The really bad news is the victim was not a congressman.

A number of congressmen scored the Department of Health for not warning them that the first swine flu fatality was from the Lower House. Unfazed, health officials told the solons they had nothing to worry about since there has yet to be a documented case of human to crocodile transmission.

Light Bites
Q: What happens when a virus infects a group of countries?
A: Epidemic.
Q: What happens when a virus infects a group of congressmen?
A: Karmic.

Did you hear the news? The House of Representatives has suspended operations until Sunday to disinfect the area. At press time, health authorities have started sprinkling the offices with a mixture of alcohol… and holy water.

Top 5 H1N1-Related Newspaper Headlines You Would Want to Read

No. 5:
Karma hits Kamara:
Dozens of congressmen test positive for swine flu

No. 4:
In a span of eight weeks:
Fifth House Speaker is sworn into office;
Third & fourth House leaders killed by virus simultaneously laid to rest

No. 3:
Tabloid Exclusive
Sa unang pagkakataon: Swine flu virus, nagsalita na!
Kongreso binantaan: “’Pag ‘di pinatay ang Con Ass, kayo ang matotodas!”

No. 2:
Swine flu downs over a hundred solons in the Philippines;
Filipinos declare national day of thanksgiving

And the No. 1 H1N1-related newspaper headline you would want to read…

Rare, extremely fatal flu strain infects Filipino congressmen while in session;
UN, WHO agree to “mass torching” to kill virus

The Estradas and H1N1
Former First Lady Loi Ejercito, who just arrived from the Middle East has volunteered to distance herself from friends and loved ones during a self-imposed quarantine. Or as Joseph Estrada would call it “Freedom Day.”

After arriving from the Middle East, former First Lady Loi Ejercito has volunteered to go on a seven-day quarantine. Or as Joseph Estrada would call it, “Mistress Devotion Week.”

GMA’s Sona & H1N1
Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita says President Arroyo is open to the postponement of her annual State of the Nation Address (SONA) at the House of Representatives if the H1N1 outbreak worsened. In fact, the president is so concerned about the pandemic, she is now open to the postponement of the 2010 elections too!

GMA’s Sona & H1N1 II
Unlike their Senate counterparts, President Arroyo’s staunch allies at the House of Representatives vowed to attend her scheduled State of the Nation Address next month. If they’re still alive.
___________
“I’m a true believer in karma. You get what you give, whether it’s bad or good.”
- Sandra Bullock

Elsewhere…
Have you seen the video of a Turkish boy who survived a car crash. You’ve got to see this.

Shaquille O’Neal will be a Cavalier soon. Bring it on!

TENSION IN TEHRAN

Focus: Iran
Chances are you’ve heard about the chaos in Iran following the country’s presidential elections last June 12. Over the weekend, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei spoke in public, and warned protesters of a massive crackdown if they’d march in the streets of Tehran. Fortunately for the rallysists, Mayor Jejomar Binay has offered Ayala Avenue as alternative protest venue.

Pro-democracy protesters in Tehran continue to defy their Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Some of the protesters say they have been inspired by the way democracy is being practiced here in the Philippines. In fact, rallyists no longer throw rocks at Iranian cops. They throw garlands of garlic instead.

Iran’s supreme leader delivered a rare public address over the weekend. He demanded that GMA reveal her plans for 2010. Wait a minute, that’s not Iran’s Supreme leader. That’s the Philippines’ pseudo-supreme leader!

Tens of thousands of Iranians took the streets of Tehran to protest the alleged massive fraud in the recent elections where incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won a fresh term as president. But despite claims of winning 63% of the votes, Ahmadinejad has become a very unpopular president. To give you an idea how unpopular leader he has become, he would have been No. 1 in that category… if the Philippines did not exist.

Opposition leader Mir Hossein Moussavi defiantly calls for more street protests over the re-election of hardline President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad whom he accuses of cheating. Reports say Moussavi has become so popular not just in Iran but in many parts of the world. To give you an idea how popular he has become, in support of the street protests, Bro. Eddie Villanueva committed to mobilize 5 million JIL followers.

Reelectionist president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared victory in the recent Iranian elections. But his strongest opponent, independent reformist leader Mir Hossein Moussavi said there had been massive cheating in the counting of votes. Moussavi’s claim of fraud was bolstered by reports that Ahmadinejad won by a million votes in Tehran, Ahvaz, and Lanao Del Sur.

Threatened by the intensified street protests and negative publicity from foreign press, the Iranian government has launched a massive crackdown on rallyists and the media. Observers say Ahmadinejad’s regime has totally lost it; the government has become paranoid. To give you an idea how paranoid the government has become, earlier today it raided the office of the Daily Tribune and charged its publisher Niñez Cacho-Olivarez with inciting to sedition.

It’s been almost two weeks since the Iranian elections concluded but opposition leader Mir Hossein Moussavi – second placer to reelected president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has yet to accept his defeat. Moussavi insists he has been cheated. But that’s understandable. It’s only been two weeks. It takes time. Bakit?!? Si Miriam ba nag-concede na?

___________
“Remember one thing about democracy. We can have anything we want and at the same time, we always end up with exactly what we deserve.”
~Edward Albee

Survey Says…
Muntinlupa Rep. Ruffy Biazon says the government must declare a “state of public health emergency” because of the H1N1 virus. Your reaction:
OA si Biazon: 51%
I Agree!: 39%
No Need: 10%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

JOSE RIZAL IN THE TIME OF FACEBOOK, GLORIA & HANNAH MONTANA

José Protasio Rizal Mercado y Alonso Realonda
June 19, 1861 – December 30, 1896

Top 10 (Im)Possible Headlines If Jose Rizal Were Still Alive Today

No. 10
“Living legend” baffles geriatricians, geneticists;
Jose Rizal turns 148 today!

No. 9
Rizal rejects 100million peso offer to endorse Belo Medical Clinic

No. 8
Oldest Filipino to marry former broadcaster;
Jose Rizal sets altar date with Loren Legarda

No. 7
Filipino centenarian topples JK Rowling, Stephenie Meyer
in The New York Times Best Seller list

No. 6
President Arroyo, Jose Rizal to lead Independence Day rites
at the Bonifacio Monument in Luneta

No. 5
Pinoy Methuselah attracts 5 million Twitter followers in just 24 hours;
JoseRizal.Ph tops Google in latest Alexa traffic ranking

No. 4
Hitler scion claims Rizal is his great great grandfather;
seeks financial support from revered Filipino icon

No. 3
Senators, congressmen agree to conduct joint hearing on Rizal’s “immortality;”
Doctors, arbularyos, drug companies, bishops invited as resource persons

No. 2
Ten million-strong Rizalistas commit to bloc voting in 2010;
presidential hopefuls seek endorsement of supreme leader

And the No. 1 (im)possible headline if Jose Rizal were still alive today…

After Noli and Fili:
Rizal writes two new books on oppression, corruption, and revolution
“Glori” and “Mikee” to hit the stands Friday

Elsewhere…
I just discovered (and I may be late. Still, thanks to Newsweek) the newest search engine. Wolfram|Alpha describes itself as “the computational knowledge engine.” How interesting is this search engine? Let’s say, you ask how old was Megan Fox or Kobe Bryant when the 9/11 attacks happened, or what is the date of the next total solar eclipse visible from Paris, or what countries have the highest unemployment rate? Wolfram|Alpha will give you the exact answer(s). Try it. It’s fun. Here’s the link.

Enjoy your weekend!

DISGUSTING

Mar and Korina
Did you hear about Sen. Mar Roxas’ “pamamanhikan” last Sunday at the Sanchez residence in Parañaque City? Reports say there was plenty of singing and dancing that night. Comedian Epy Quizon hosted the program. Some kids played the violin. Roxas, with comedians Tado and Jason Gainza on guitars, serenaded Korina with Tagalog love songs. She then performed a duet with him followed by the singing of the wedding song by ABS-CBN talents Erik Santos and Sarah Geronimo. Mar also recited love poems and participated in a “balagtasan.” Before the night ended, the couple joined performers from Bulacan in a traditional dance. All these while television cameras were rolling. In short: isang malaking palabas.

As reported by the Inquirer, Korina once told entertainment journalists, “I thought I’d be single forever until the right person came along at the right time.” The elections.

Despite the three-hour long “pamamanhikan,” Mar and Korina still couldn’t decide on the final date of their wedding… mainly because they have yet to verify with the Commission on Elections the exact schedule of the campaign period.

Newspaper reports said Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez sealed their engagement with a “Filipino-style” “pamamanhikan.” Filipino-style?! Since when did Filipinos televise a “pamamanhikan?”

H1N1 Hits ABS-CBN
Two employees of the ABS-CBN News Department have been infected with the influenza A(H1N1) virus. There’s a really tense atmosphere right now at the ABS-CBN newsroom… something that they last felt when Maria Ressa and Luchi Cruz-Valdez quarreled.

Underwear, Under fire
Bagac, Bataan Mayor Rommel Del Rosario has been sued by lawyer Harry Roque for allegedly luring a group of teenage boys to play basketball at the town plaza wearing only their underwear in exchange for P1000 each. The mayor denied coercing the boys and accused his foes of a political hatchet job. He vowed to explain his side to the courts, to his constituents, and to his wife who couldn’t quite understand why her husband seemed to have “enjoyed” the game.

Bagac, Bataan Mayor Rommel Del Rosario allegedly lured a group of teenage boys to play basketball at the town plaza wearing only their underwear. As I write this item, Abner Afuang is on his way to Bagac, Bataan carrying a bottle of mineral water.

Bagac, Bataan Mayor Rommel Del Rosario and his vice mayor are under fire for allegedly luring a group of teenage boys to play basketball at the town plaza wearing only their underwear. A video of the two officials watching the half-naked boys in the basketball court has circulated. Lawyer Harry Roque found the video disgusting. Bong Revilla found the video distasteful. John Osmeña found the video on Twinks.Com.

Iran Elections
Reelectionist Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory in the recently-concluded presidential elections in Iran. But his strongest opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi claims he has been cheated. The Philippine consulate in Tehran is checking on reports Mousavi is half-Filipino.

Elsewhere…
Newsbreak asks: Is the NPC really with Chiz?

Conrad de Quiros on being a writer. Here’s the Part 2.

ESPN’s Marc Stein lists the biggest winners of the 2009 NBA Playoffs.
____________
“Of course life is bizarre, the more bizarre it gets, the more interesting it is. The only way to approach it is to make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the show.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says…
If you had to choose (and you must or you die), would you rather be:
Gloria Arroyo: 47%
Manny Calayan: 39%
Vicki Belo: 13%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

A CLASS ACT

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Hear From Your Children’s Teacher/Instructor/Professor on the First Day of Classes

No. 5: “Mga bata, maglabas kayo ng 50 pesos. Kailangan nating bumili ng halaman, bagong flower vase, pasô, at doormat.”

No. 4: “Mula ngayon, hindi na ako magbebenta ng tocino. Promise. Now, sinong ‘di pa nakakapanood ng video ni Hayden? Meron ako dito. 6-in1. Blu-ray copy na. Trenta pesos lang.”

No. 3: “Girls, boys… saan n’yo mas gustong magklase? Sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga o sa ilalim ng puno ng narra?”

No. 2: “Gloria! ChaCha! Ibasura! May memo si Mayor. Kayong lahat ay required sumama sa rally next week. Ang hindi sasama, magbabayad ng kalahati ng tuition.”

And the no. 1 thing you wouldn’t want to hear from your children’s teacher/instructor/professor on the first day of classes…

“Aaaaaaa-choo! Aaaaa-choo! Class… I think I’m infected.”

Misquoted?
Agrarian Reform Sec. Nasser Pangandaman denied a Philippine Daily Inquirer report last Saturday that he confirmed President Arroyo’s plans of seeking a Congressional seat in Pampanga next year. Pangandaman now refuses to talk to the Inquirer but has invited the paper’s reporter to a round of golf at Valley Golf and Country Club in Antipolo City.

Personal
Congratulations to my Los Angeles Lakers: 2008-2009 NBA Champions.

10th championship for Coach Phil; 4th ring for Kobe; 15th title for LA as a franchise, and LeBron James is somewhere out there licking his wounds. What could be more satisfying than that?

Kobe’s got his own trophy too: Finals MVP. Woohoo!

Reactions
The Los Angeles Lakers won by huge margin against the Orlando Magic. When President Arroyo heard this, she asked, “Did the Lakers lead by more than one million?”

The Lakers finished off the Magic, 99-83 to win the NBA championship. That was a 16 point lead! But you know what? If Sen. Manny Villar were part of the team, that lead would surely double.

Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy was losing his patience and has become frustrated with his team when someone tapped him from behind. And you won’t believe it! It was Mar Roxas! He said, “Coach, tumabi ka. Ako na. Sama-sama tayo. Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo.” They lost.

Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman also watched the game between the Lakers and the Magic. Asked to react on LA’s impressive victory, he said, “No comment. Baka ma-misquote lang ako ng Inquirer.”

And did you know that even our senators followed the NBA Finals? Juan Ponce Enrile finds Kobe Bryant brilliant. Aquilino Pimentel finds Derek Fisher tenacious. Rodolfo Biazon finds Paul Gasol persistent. And Loren Legarda finds Coach Phil Jackson cute.

And finally, some LA fanatics in local politics have celebrated the team’s victory: Lito and Ali Atienza held a parade in their backyard; Panfilo Lacson fired his gun, and Abner Afuang poured a bottle of water on his wife’s head!
__________
“Champions know that success is inevitable; that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. They know that the best way to forecast the future is to create it.”
~Michael J. Gelb

CONGRESSWOMAN

GMA in Congress
According to reports, President Arroyo has decided to finally step down as president in 2010. She now wants to be a plain House wife.

And I heard the President is really excited to register a victory next year – if ever, her first since winning the vice presidency in 1998.

President Arroyo has reportedly decided run for a Congressional seat in her home province of Pampanga in 2010. But before she made the decision, she asked her political advisers, “Will I still lead by one million?”

Agrarian Reform Sec. Nasser Pangandaman yesterday revealed that President Arroyo often spoke about her plans of seeking a Congressional seat in Pampanga next year. Pangandaman said Mrs. Arroyo would always tell her political plans to her circle of close friends that includes him – until yesterday.

The confirmation that President Arroyo will run for Congress in 2010 neither came from the Chief Executive nor from her spokesmen. It was Nasser Pangandaman who disclosed the information. Just so you know, Pangandaman is the secretary of agrarian reform – as of press time.

Top 5 Rejected Slogans for President Arroyo’s Congressional Campaign in 2010

No. 5:
Ang tunay na Pampanga’s best ay ‘di ‘yang tocino
Kundi ang inyong lingkod, Congresswoman Arroyo!

No. 4:
Mga Arroyo sa Kamara ay hindi pa sapat
Dagdagan ng isa ang kasalukuyang apat!

No. 3:
Pork barrel ng Kongreso, handa kong ibasura
Hangga’t kakampi ko ang mga Pineda!

No. 2:
I will serve the community
For the sake of immunity!

And the No.1 rejected slogan for President Arroyo’s congressional campaign in 2010…

Presidente ngayon… kongresista bukas
Target: Prime Minister, isulong ang Con Ass!

The Barrameda Murder
Of course, you’ve heard about the case of 26-year-old Ruby Rose Barrameda-Jimenez, sister of former actress and beauty queen Rochelle Barrameda. Ruby Rose’ decomposing body was found inside a drum which was poured with concrete. Yup! Dead, drum, and concrete. When the news of the gruesome killing came out, Sen. Panfilo Lacson immediately issued a statement denying any involvement.

Anti-CPP Agency Abolished
President Arroyo has abolished an inter-agency group formed to prosecute communist leaders. She came to that decision when she realized it’s difficult to prosecute members of the House of Representatives.

Da Who?
A TV program has an exclusive interview with a former sexy actress (FSA) in a Quezon City hospital. The interview was conducted when FSA sought medical treatment after being beaten black and blue by her abusive politician husband. FSA actually planned to file a complaint against him but a reporter-friend prevailed upon her to settle the row in private.
Clue No. 1: The cruel husband is a local government executive in a province adjacent to Metro Manila.
Clue No. 2: Cruel husband’s father (FSA’s father-in-law) has recently announced his intention to seek the presidency in 2010.
________
“Ambition is the last refuge of failure.”
~Oscar Wilde

Survey Says
Do you believe in presidential surveys?
Hell, NO: 71%
Sometimes: 22%
Absolutely, YES: 7%

We have a new and socially-relevant survey. Please vote now. Good luck!

SHOW OF FORCE

The Con Ass Rally
Thousands of protesters joined the indignation rally in Makati City against the House of Representatives Resolution 1109, which seeks to amend the constitution through a Senate-less constituent assembly. Almost all presidential aspirants were present. Reports say Mar Roxas was there. Richard Gordon was there. Jejomar Binay was there. Loren Legarda was there. Among Ed Panlilio was there. Bro. Eddie Villanueva was there. Francis Escudero was there. Even Panfilo Lacson was there. It was by far, the biggest and first ever miting de avance held in the country where opposing candidates appeared in one venue together.

Almost all presidential aspirants were present at the anti-Con Ass rally. Mar Roxas was there. Richard Gordon was there. Jejomar Binay was there. Loren Legarda was there. Among Ed Panlilio was there. Bro. Eddie Villanueva was there. Francis Escudero was there. Even Panfilo Lacson was there. Conspicuously absent was Manny Villar who thought that the protest rally would be held at C5 Road.

Sister Mary John Mananzan, head of the Association of Major Religious Superiors of the Philippines called on Babaylan spirits to join Filipinos in “cursing” President Arroyo. Mananzan then realized she need not seek the help of spirits as long as Mar Roxas was there.

Sister Mary John Mananzan claimed it was her “first time to curse,” to which Sen. Mar Roxas said, “Tang-i*a? Hindi nga?!?”

According to organizers, as many as 21,000 joined the protest rally in Makati City. But militant group Bayan Muna estimated the crowd at 13 thousand while the police said it peaked at 6 thousand. Jesus Is Lord leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva insists there were 5 million.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Anti-Con Ass Rally in Makati City

No. 5: “Si Jamby ba ‘yang parating!? May flu! May flu! Bilis! Mag-mask na tayo!!
(Jamby napikon) “Arrest that man! Arrest that man!”

No. 4: “Is that Lacson? Sabi na sa ‘yo eh. Posible pang magbago ang isip n’yan!”

No. 3: “Akala ko ba con-ass rally? Bakit parang campaign rally?!”

No. 2: “Si Jose De Venecia? Nagpu-protesta against Chacha?!?!? Sampalin mo ko! Sampalin mo ko! Gusto kong magising!”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the anti-Con Ass rally in Makati City…

“Totoo nga yata ang tsismis! Hindi na Liberal Party ang political party nina Drilon at Roxas”
“Talaga? Eh ano na raw?”
“Bawang Muna.”

In Other News…
Mar and Korina
Sen. Manuel Roxas II’s scheduled “pamamanhikan” to Korina Sanchez last weekend was postponed. Roxas opted for the postponement after he was informed that Wowowee couldn’t do a live coverage of the event.

Influenza A
De La Salle University now has 13 H1N1 cases while Ateneo De Manila has 3… prompting a PUP student to quip, “Buti na lang, mahirap kami!”

Light Bites
In an undisclosed medical facility…
Q: What did the La Sallista tell the Atenista?
A: We’re No. 1!

Q: What was the Atenista’s reply?
A: We’ll surely catch up!

Q: What did the surgeon from UP tell the bickering La Sallista and Atenista?
A: You’re sick!

Belo Is Back
Vicki Belo is back from her Paris trip. Did you know that something strange happened at the airport when she was subjected to routine health inspection? When Belo passed through a thermal scanner, her nose melted.

Elsewhere…
Did Ramon Tulfo just call fellow Inquirer columnist Manolo Quezon a coward? Read Tulfo’s column here. And then read Manolo’s column here.

Americal Idol runner-up Adam Lambert on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine

__________
“To stand in silence when they should be protesting makes cowards out of men.”
~Abraham Lincoln

STUNTMAN

PRESIDENTIAL ASPIRANT Manuel Roxas II seems to be pulling out all the stops to win the presidential derby in 2010. He rides a pedicab, publicly displays his fondness for a broadcaster, shouted invectives during a rally, proposed marriage on a noontime show, and wore a necklace of garlic on the Senate floor.

As National Historical Institute chair Ambeth Ocampo wrote in his Philippine Daily Inquirer column, “… the original Roxas, or even Gerry Roxas must be rolling in their graves with laughter.” He added, “There is a time and place for everything.”

But will Roxas listen to critics now that his antics seem to have been paying off? I mean, with a five percent-gain in a recent survey, who could stop him from resorting to even the most inane forms of gimmickry?

So what’s next for this diastemaic presidential wannabe? Nobody knows. But here goes…

The Next 5 Most Surprising Publicity Stunts of Presidential Aspirant Manuel Roxas II

5: He will deliver a privilege speech on gender sensitivity and gender equality. This time, he’ll wear a necklace of black pepper (paminta).

4: On Wednesday, he will do a Lacson: “I quit.” On Saturday, he will do a Miriam,”I lied. Hahaha!”

3: He will admit to having a sex video. (Not a single Filipino will buy this gimmick and the issue will just die down.)

2: He shall confess to being gay for several years… until he met Korina Sanchez. Together, they’ll re-appear on Wowowee where he will tell her: “Ikaw ang nagpatigil sa aking pagkabinabae.”

And the No. 1 most surprising publicity stunt of Mar Roxas…

1: To prove his concern for the health and wellness of the youth, he will drive a pedicab to La Salle and while inside the campus, he’ll scream: “Put*ng-i*aaaaaaa! Kung talagang matapang kang virus ka, harapin mo ako! Ako na lang ang saktan mo, huwag na ang mga estudyante!

Light Bites
Q: What is green, hot, 5ft.6 inches vertically, and 4 inches horizontally?
A: A flu-infected La Sallista with a thermometer in his mouth

Q: What is blue & 5ft.7 vertically, and green & 6ft.5 horizontally?
A: Mar Roxas staring at a La Salle cager who’s asleep

Elsewhere…
French Open 2009 champ Roger Federer is attacked by a fan during his finals match against Swede Robin Soderling.

Philippine Star: Chair Wrecker, William Esposo on political advertisements

What has happened to the controversial AkoMismo campaign? Check out the group’s website.

Newsbreak: Chief Justice Puno, fashion model?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Lopez patriarch tells all

Killed Bill: David Carradine – Bizarre death for the septuagenarian actor
_________
“Know that the amount of criticism you receive may correlate somewhat to the amount of publicity you receive.”
~Donald Rumsfeld

QUITTERS

Lacson Quits
Sen. Panfilo Lacson has quit the presidential race in 2010 because “waging a campaign is expensive.” The only thing more expensive is his battery of criminal lawyers.

Remember what Sen. Panfilo Lacson said last month? “I am 101 percent sure of running for president in 2010.” Now, do you remember what he said about the Dacer-Corbito twin murders?

Top 5 Initial Reactions to Panfilo Lacson’s Latest Bombshell

No. 5:Hayden Kho: “Condemn the quitting, not the quitter.”

No. 4: Mar Roxas: “Put*ng-i*a! Totoo ba ‘yan?

No. 3: Manny Villar: “For my reaction, let me refer you to Senators Pimentel and Cayetano.”

No. 2: Joseph Estrada: “Pareho na kami ngayon: Drop out!”

And the No. 1 initial reaction to Ping Lacson’s latest bombshell…

President Arroyo: “Por diosh, por shanto! Ganyang-ganyan din ang announshment ko noong Deshember 30, 2000, Rizshal Day. Ayokong maniwala hangga’t ‘di pa taposh ang filing ng shertificate of candidashy. Promish, ‘no?”

Quitters
Have you noticed the trend? Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile offered to quit as chair of the senate committee of the whole hearing the ethics complaint against Sen. Manny Villar. A week later, Cong. Jose De Venecia quit the Lakas party. Earlier this week, lawyer Adel Tamano quit as spokesman of the United Opposition and joined the Nacionalista Party. Sen. Panfilo Lacson quit the 2010 presidential race. Quitting has become the “in” thing these days… Jamby contemplates quitting marriage!

A Senate reporter curiously asked Sen. Lito Lapid if he has ever been a quitter. The actor replied, “Tanga ka ba? Facebook nga, ‘di ako marunong, Quitter pa.”

Tamano Now A Nacionalista
Lawyer Adel Tamano has quit as spokesman of the United Opposition and joined the Nacionalista Party. But there’s no confirmation yet to rumors that Tamano will replace Senators Pimentel and Cayetano as Manny Villar’s spokespersons.

Eddie Villanueva, Again!
Jesus Is Lord leader and presidential aspirant Bro. Eddie Villanueva vowed to mobilize five million(!) of his followers to create a “spiritual earthquake” to stop Con Ass. And we all thought Lito Lapid was funny.

Dangerous
Stormy months are here again. Authorities are warning commuters against dangerous billboards. You know, a falling billboard is the second most dangerous thing these days… next only to a La Sallista.
____________
“A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.”
~Richard Nixon

Survey Says…
Who would you vote for president in 2010?
Undecided: 50%
The administration candidate: 27%
The opposition candidate: 23%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy your weekend!

POSITIVE, NEGATIVE

Influenza Hits DLSU
Health officials reported that a De La Salle University student was the latest victim of Influenza A (H1N1) virus. When La Sallistas heard the news, a majority of them rushed home to scan their laptops.

The good news is De La Salle University-Taft has suspended its classes for 10 days following reports that one of its students was tested positive for Influenza A (H1N1). The bad news is the La Sallistas’ idle brains will have an extended period of rest.

MRT 24/7
The government halted the experimental 24/7 operation of the Metro Rail Transit or MRT after only two days citing setbacks in maintenance. MRT officials are now seeking the help of our congressmen – clearly, the authority when it comes to railroads and railroading.

Mancao Is Back
Former police senior superintendent Cezar Mancao II is finally back home but admits he’s been having sleepless nights… something he has in common with a certain Panfilo Lacson.

Top 10 Movie Remakes Starring Cezar Mancao II (With the special participation of Sen. Panfilo Lacson)

No. 10: Terms of Indictment

No. 9: Journey to the Center of the Dirt

No. 8: Dead Man Talking

No. 7: I Know What You Did to Dacer Last Summer

No. 6: The Unbearable Darkness of Ping

No. 5: I Still Know What You Did to Corbito Last Summer

No. 4: Kasali, Kasalo, Kasabwat

No. 3: Babangon Ako’t Ikakanta Kita

No. 2: Patayin sa Sindak si Pulbura

And the No. 1 movie remake starring Cezar Mancao II (with the special participation of Sen. Panfilo Lacson)…

Burn After Shooting

Mancao Is Back II
Former police senior superintendent Cezar Mancao is back and has vowed to bare all… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said, ‘‘Katatapos lang ng sex videos, hubaran na naman? What is happening to this country?!”

Kho’s Drug Test
Have you heard the news? Self-confessed drug addict Dr. Hayden Kho went to the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA) for a drug test, and he tested negative! That was the second weirdest thing Hayden Kho has learned in recent days… next only to his discovery that his mom and his girlfriend were of the same age.

Talk about weird, here’s another. Dr. Vicki Belo secretly went to PDEA for a drug test too but instead of a urine sample, she submitted a strand of hair. Inconclusive lab results showed she’s 60 percent drug-free and 40 percent plastic.

Elsewhere
Manny Pacquiao makes it to Forbes Magazine’s Top 100 Celebrities. Kobe Bryant ranks higher than Michael Jordan and LeBron James.

Newsbreak has a juicy tale on two married government officials.

__________
“Every unpunished murder takes away something from the security of every man’s life.”
~Daniel Webster

THE LATEST PULSE

Pulse Asia Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro, Sen. Francis Escudero, and deposed president Joseph Estrada topped the May 4-17 survey of Pulse Asia. When Sen. Jamby Madrigal arrived at her office, her staff chorused, “Blowout! Blowout! Blowout!”

The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that Sen. Mar Roxas’ rating surged to 13 percent from 8 percent in February. That’s a really huge gain following his “noontime show” proposal to Korina Sanchez. To make sure he’ll top the next survey, Mar Roxas now considers marrying Korina Sanchez… on TV Patrol… live!

Mar Roxas attributed his five-point gain to pro-poor programs… like Wowowee.

Loren Legarda who obtained a rating of 12 percent last February slid to sixth place in May with only 7 percent. Alarmed by the huge drop in her rating, Loren is now searching for a man who’s willing to propose marriage to her… on “Eat Bulaga.”

In the latest Pulse Asia survey, El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde got 0.4 percent; Jesus Is Lord founder Eddie Villanueva got 0.3 percent, and Pampanga governor Father Ed Panlilio had 0.2 percent. Can you believe it? God is losing!

The latest survey showed that El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde got 0.4 percent; Jesus Is Lord founder Eddie Villanueva got 0.3 percent; MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando got 0.3 percent, and Father Ed Panlilio got 0.2 percent. Fernando is so proud of his rating mainly because he feels like a servant of God.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay got only four percent in the latest Pulse Asia survey. Remember the mayor’s ad that says, Ganito kami sa Makati. Sana ganito rin sa buong bayan? Well, 96 percent of survey respondents told Pulse Asia: “Kung ganun sila sa Makati. Sila na lang!”

The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that the battle for president in 2010 remains very tight. The only thing tighter is Vicki Belo’s face.

SWS Survey
Beleaguered senator Manuel Villar Jr. topped the latest survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations. Sen. Jamby Madrigal has deferred her blowout.

In the latest SWS survey conducted between April 16 and May 6, 2009, Sen. Mar Roxas posted a rating of 9 percent or four percent lower than his Pulse Asia score. Therefore I conclude, more Pulse Asia respondents watch Wowowee than their SWS counterparts.

The Senate & the Opening of Classes
June 1, Monday marked the opening of classes. Everybody went to serious work immediately. The most serious of them all was teacher Jamby! She began Day 1 with a PowerPoint presentation.

And did you see how pupils observed proper hygiene to combat the possible spread of viruses? Everyone was so serious about it. To give you an idea how serious they were, a certain Manny Villar was absent, and yet, mabilis pa sa alas-kwatrong naghugas ng kamay.

Light Bites
Noon: Ang pedicab, ginagamit sa pamamasada.
Ngayon: Ang pedicab, ginagamit sa pangangampanya.

Noon: Ang pamamanhikan, ginagawa sa sala, sa harap ng mga magulang ng nobya.
Ngayon:Ang pamamanhikan, ginagawa sa TV, sa harap ni Willie Revillame.

Noon: Ang malalaswang panoorin, pinapanood sa mga sinehan.
Ngayon: Ang malalaswang panoorin, sa Senado pinagpipiyestahan.

Noon: Ang political ads naglipana sa campaign period.
Ngayon: Ang political ads naglipana. Period.

Noon: Sa pagbabalik ng klase, ang unang binubuksan, libro. Review!
Ngayon: Sa pagbabalik ng klase, ang unang binubuksan, gripo. My flu!

Noon: Kapag may ibang mukha sa PBA, malamang, import, kadalasan Amerikano.
Ngayon: Kapag may ibang mukha sa PBA, asahan mo, purong Pilipino!

Elsewhere
Check out the Cebu inmates’ interpretation of the Academy Award-winning song by A.R. Rahman: Jai Ho.

_____________
“It does no harm just once in a while to acknowledge that the whole country isn’t in flames, that there are people in the country besides politicians, entertainers, and criminals.”
~Charles Kuralt

FACE OFF

AMERICANS ARE TALKING ABOUT President Barack Obama’s first female Hispanic Supreme Court nominee. Middle Easterners are discussing the opening of France’ first military base in the Gulf. Iranis are preparing to elect a new president. Pyongyang is threatening to launch more nuclear missiles. Seoul is still mourning the demise of a former president. And the Indian community in Sydney is accusing Australians of racism following a spate of attacks against an Indian student. In the Philippines, lawmakers and high profile lawyers are debating on a celebrity doctor’s explicit sex videos! Welcome to RP, the entertainment capital of Asia.

Postscript to a Sex Scandal
For the first time following the spread of their sex video, actress Katrina Halili and Dr. Hayden Kho faced each other at a Senate hearing last Thursday. It was the week’s most intense Senate moment – since the heated exchange between Juan Ponce Enrile and Aquilino Pimentel.

Before the hearing started, a fuming ex-cop and former Pagsanjan, Laguna mayor-turned tabloid columnist Abner Afuang poured bottled water on Dr. Hayden Kho. Senate committee on youth, women and family relations chair Jamby Madrigal was shocked. In her entire adult life, it marked the first time she saw a man get wet.

When former Pagsanjan, Laguna mayor Abner Afuang poured water over Hayden Kho’s head, Sen. Jamby Madrigal shouted, “Please arrest that man. Arrest that man!” Madrigal then wished she could repeat the same exact words soon – as the Senate puts into trial Sen. Manuel Villar Jr.

Members of the senate were surprised by the dousing incident last Thursday. Sen. Panfilo Lacson asked if there was enough security. Sen. Francis Escudero asked if they could hold an executive session. Sen. Lito Lapid asked about the brand of the bottled water.

Cosmetic expert Vicki Belo, who was in Europe, denied spreading Hayden Kho’s sex videos. During the hearing, Belo’s statement was read by her lawyer, Ateneo law graduate, Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila president, former opposition spokesman, and senatorial aspirant Adel Tamano – who was hoping to get ample exposure and media attention at the Senate hearing… until a former cop stole the whole show.

Lawyer Adel Tamano insisted that Dr. Hayden Kho made 40 sex videos but with four women only. Hindi pa man senador, sinungaling na.

THIS JUST IN. The Philippine Movie Press Club has just released the nominees for Star Awards for TV. Along with Startalk and The Buzz, the Philippine Senate received a nomination for Best Showbiz-Oriented Talk Show. Congratulations!

Before and after the Senate hearing, Dr. Hayden Kho – clad in Tide-white polo – granted several one-on-one interviews with various networks and newspaper reporters. Reli German has officially started his job.

In those interviews, Hayden Kho said his behavior might have been triggered by a bad experience with a former girlfriend who slept with four other men including a cousin of his while they were together. He also blamed another ex-girlfriend who allegedly recorded their sexual trysts without his consent. Amazing! I wonder how much money has Vicki Belo poured into Reli German’s PR arsenal to cook up such tales.

During the Senate hearing, Katrina Halili said she thought Hayden Kho was a doctor. She eventually realized he was a director. But after watching those post-Senate hearing interviews, Hayden Kho has exposed his talent in fiction. Brillante Mendoza’s got competition!

Elsewhere: Startalk’s editorial on the Hayden Kho sex video scandal aired last May 23, 2009.

In Other News…
Lim and Afuang
Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim visited former cop-turned tabloid columnist Abner Afuang at the Pasay City jail where he was detained following the dousing incident at the Senate. Lim said, “I want to sympathize and show my support for Abner.” Asked how he felt about Lim’s statement, Afuang said, “I feel like an oil depot.”

Influenza A
Health officials say there are now 14 confirmed cases of Influenza A (H1N1) in the country. But senators are not worried. That’s just 14. What’s fourteen compared to 40 sex videos?

Lakas-Kampi Merger
Administration-allied parties Lakas-CMD and Kampi have merged. But rumors say… this early, the newly-wed parties are already showing cracks… to which staunch opposition senator Jamby Madrigal said, “Awesome! I love cracks.”

Erap’s Comeback Film
Former president Joseph Estrada says he will gauge his 2010 presidential bid on the box-office results of his comeback movie, “Ang Tanging Ama N’yong Lahat.” Pwes! By all means, let us support a mass boycott of that film!

DOON, DITO
Doon… sa South Korea, ang dating pangulong iniimbestigahan dahil sa katiwalian… tumatalon sa building. Patay!
Dito… sa Pilipinas, ang dating pangulong napatunayan ang katiwalian… tumatakbo sa halalan. Patay… tayo d’yan!

Doon… sa Amerika, ang addict sa liposuction, inooperahan ng mga cosmetic surgeon.
Dito… sa Pilipinas, ang addict na cosmetic surgeon, hinahayaang mag-liposuction.

Doon… sa Afghanistan, binabato hanggang mamatay ang babaeng nagtataksil sa asawa.
Dito… sa Pilipinas, ang babaeng nagtaksil sa asawa, binoboto hanggang maging senadora.

Enjoy your weekend!

_______
“Obscenity is the sign of a weak mind trying to express itself.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says…
If Erap would run again for president, do you seriously believe he’ll win?
Not this time: 81%
Definitely, yes!: 19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Congratulations to my Los Angeles Lakers: 2009 NBA Western Conference champions! See you in the finals!

HIGH NA KHO!

Jamby’s Inside Info
Virtually absolving Erik Chua of any liability, Sen. Jamby Madrigal told the press that she knew the identity of the high profile and famous person responsible for the spread of Hayden Kho’s sex videos. Shortly after Madrigal’s statement to the media, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. issued a denial.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she knows the identity of the person responsible for the spread of the Hayden Kho sex videos. She promised to reveal the identity of that person… as soon as she had finished watching Maricar-Hayden Part 2: Now available for download online!

Senate Hearing
Reports say the Senate will start its probe on the Hayden Kho sex video scandal on Thursday. THIS JUST IN! Senators consider postponing the hearing after former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye surfaced and claimed that the videos being sold in Quiapo were fake and that he’s keeping the original copy.

Mommy Kho Breaks Silence
Hayden Kho’s mother, Mrs. Irene Kho appeared on television Monday night and took the cudgels for her controversial son whom she described as “matino, mabait, and disente.” This statement left viewers wondrin’ whether it was Hayden or his mother who’s hooked on drugs.

Mrs. Irene Kho appeared on TV Monday night and blamed actress Katrina Halili, talent manager Lolit Solis, Sen. Bong Revilla, militant women’s rights group Gabriela, and other organizations for her son’s woes. She said, “Ang anak ko pinaglalaruan. Ang anak ko tinatapakan.” Apparently, Mrs. Kho has not seen her son’s lewd videos. Otherwise, she would have said, “Ang anak ko dinadaganan. Ang anak ko kinakain. Ang anak ko inuupuan. Ang anak ko pinapatungan.”

In defending Hayden Kho, a combative Mrs. Irene Kho lambasted Katrina Halili’s “acting,” blamed Lolit Solis and Bong Revilla for the sex scandal, and insisted that her beloved son is “matino, disente, at mabait.” Considering her devotion to Hayden, I wouldn’t be surprised if a video of mother and son starts surfacing soon.

BREAKING NEWS! Mrs. Irene Kho has flatly denied rumors she is somehow related to renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking.

Reacting to Mrs. Irene Kho’s tirades, talent manager Lolit Solis denounced Hayden Kho and called him “coward”, “hypocrite,” “traitor,” and “spoiled brat who went on a tantrum.” Oops, sorry, that wasn’t Lolit Solis. That’s Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile attacking Sen. Aquilino Pimentel Monday.

Pimentel vs. Enrile
After verbally attacking Sen. Aquilino Pimentel, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile resigned Monday as chair of the Senate committee of the whole, which is hearing the ethics complaint against Sen. Manny Villar. On Tuesday however, reports say Enrile will remain as chair. Simply put, Enrile faked his resignation.

Light Bites
Q: What’s the difference between Mrs. Irene Kho and Dr. Vicki Belo?
A: One session of botox

Q: What happens when Vicki Belo gives Juan Ponce Enrile a botox injection without his consent?
A: Ambush makeover

Q: What’s the favorite pastime of Mrs. Irene Kho’s children?
A: “Hayden Sick”

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: A sex video of two impoverished teenage kids doing it inside a pedicab
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Mar Roxas telling one of the kids, “Anak, itabi mo. Ako naman.”

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Manny Villar doing “it” with his wife in a car parked along C5 Road
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Manny Villar doing “it” with an “itik.”
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Manny Villar recorded it on video
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Jamby Madrigal telling everyone she has her own copy of the evidence
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Alan Peter Cayetano defending Manny Villar saying it was consensual.

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Senators enjoying the Hayden Kho videos during an executive session
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Senators Loren and Angara excusing themselves even before the session is over
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Biazon and Enrile get a boner.
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Miriam “gets wet.”
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Jamby staring at Miriam’s crotch.
___________
“Addiction is a symptom of not growing up. I know people think it’s a disease… If you have a brain tumor, if you have cancer, that’s a disease. To say that an addiction is a disease is not fair to the real diseases of the world.”
~C. C. DeVille

ALARMING

Influenza A
The second case of Influenza A (H1N1) in the country has been confirmed… prompting a Malacañang official to quip, “Buti pa ‘yong virus confirmed na. Sina Secretary Lito Atienza at Angelo Reyes, hindi pa.”

In the wake of the Influenza A threat, President Arroyo will visit an elementary school in Manila to spearhead a campaign for hygiene and sanitation in schools in time for the opening of classes on June 1. To demonstrate the fastest and surest way of cleaning up rooms… the president has personally invited Ted Failon and his maids.

Several Catholic Churches in the country have taken steps to prevent the possible spread of Influenza A (H1N1) – such as discouraging the holding of hands during Mass; distributing communion by hand, and advising priests to be less chummy with altar boys.

Catholic churches in the country will discourage the holding of hands during Mass. When Dr. Hayden Kho heard this, he said, “Ayoko nang magsimba!”

H1N1 Scare
With the second case of H1N1 in the country now confirmed, many Filipinos are now observing social-distancing. In fact, Jude Estrada was so alarmed by the news, he now refuses to touch his wife.

The H1N1 threat has become so alarming, Manny Villar refuses to socialize with his fellow senators.

The H1N1 threat has become so alarming, brothers Oscar and Manolo Lopez have stopped talking to each other.

The Hayden Files: A Postscript

In case you haven’t heard, let me tell you that Dr. Hayden Kho has apologized for his actions. He said that recording his sexual trysts was “a lapse in judgment.” Here’s a portion of his “I Am Sorry” speech:

“Mga minamahal kong tagahanga,

For the last several weeks, the issue of the sex videos has spun out of control. Tonight, I want to set the record straight. You deserve an explanation from me, because you are the people who adore me.

I was anxious to chronicle my life and during that time had sex with many women, including a sexy young actress, a commercial model, a beauty queen, two Brazilians, a comedienne (Todo na ‘to mga friends!), and an elderly woman. My intent was not to embarrass them, although it did. As I mentioned, the erection has already been videotaped and the condom inserted. And as you remember, the outcome had been predicted by every major DVD store owner, and adjudged sleazy, obscene and explicit by international observers, and our own OMB.

That said, let me tell you how I personally feel. I recognize that recording the sexual acts was a lapse in judgment. I am shorry. I also regret taking so long to speak before you on this matter. I want to assure you that I have redoubled my efforts to get psychiatric treatment and earn your trust.

Nagagambala ako. Maliwanag na may kakulangan sa wastong pagpapasya ang nangyaring pagrerecord ko ng aking pakikipagtalik. Pinagsisisihan ko ito nang lubos. Humihingi ako ng tawad sa inyo, sa lahat ng mga butihing mamamayan na nabawasan ng tiwala dahil sa mga pangyayaring ito. Ibig kong tiyakin sa inyo na lalo pa akong magsisikap upang malinis ang aking pangalan at matamo ang inyong tiwala.

I now want to close this chapter and move on with the business of entertaining. I ask each and everyone of you to join hands with me in a show of unity, to help forge one Philippine showbiz, where everyone is equal under the law, and everybody has the opportunity to use their God-given talents to make a better life.

Condemn the sin, not the sinner. God bless Philippine showbiz!”

Did you watch GMA 7’s Startalk last Saturday? If not, you have just missed the official launch of opposition lawyer Adel Tamano’s senatorial bid.

Dr. Vicki Belo’s legal counsel, Adel Tamano revealed that someone demanded P4 million from Belo in exchange for her video with Hayden Kho… a claim dismissed as “insane” by DVD vendors in Quiapo who said that their fake Vicki Belo-Hayden Kho sex videos wouldn’t even sell at P20.

Former opposition spokesman Adel Tamano revealed that someone demanded P4 million from Belo in exchange for her video with Hayden Kho. Seriously? Four million for Vicki Belo’s sex video?!? Come on. Who would want to see their grandma banging her driver?

Dr. Vicki Belo’s lawyer Adel Tamano admits that a Vicki Belo-Hayden Kho sex video exists but insists that it was “tamer.” In other words, it wasn’t that hot and steamy; otherwise, Vicki Belo’s nose, jaw, cheeks, boobs, thighs, and tummy would have melted.

Lawyer Adel Tamano says Vicki Belo’s sex video with Hayden Kho was “tamer” – something that was believable since it’s kind of difficult to have sex with a wax figure.

Appearing live on GMA 7’s Startalk, former opposition spokesman Adel Tamano claimed that someone demanded P4 million from Belo in exchange for her video with Hayden Kho. Asked why such a huge amount for her client’s explicit video, Tamano said, “Off the record, 4 million pesos is a relatively small amount as compared to the value of the video’s main attraction: my client’s 5 million peso-rejuvenated twat.”

Light Bites
Q: What goes up when Joseph Estrada and Manny Pacquiao sit down for a talk?
A: Their combined IQ. It becomes 175.

Q: Why does Sen. Lito Lapid refuse to tutor his youngest daughter on Influenza A (H1N1)?
A: He hates algebra.

From a friend:
Q: Ano ang sasabihin mo kapag nag-hi sa ‘yo si Katrina Halili?
A: “Hayden.”
____________
“Hygiene is two thirds of health.”
- Lebanese Proverb

Elsewhere
Congratulations to Filipino director Brillante Mendoza who received the Best Director award for his film “Kinatay” at the recently concluded 62nd Cannes Film Festival. Awesome! He won against Academy Award winner Ang Lee, Academy Award nominees Pedro Almodovar and Jane Campion and acclaimed director Quentin Tarantino. Galing!

Survey Says…
Should the PRC revoke Dr. Hayden Kho’s medical license?
Yes: 67%
No: 26%
Not sure: 7%
We have a new survey. Please vote now.

FRIDAY LIGHT BITES

Oh, what a week!

Just when presidentiables Ping Lacson, Loren Legarda, Richard Gordon, and Mar Roxas thought it would be a “Manny Villar on the hot seat” week, Bong Revilla enters the picture and grabs the limelight. Or as American Idol judge Randy Jackson would say, “Dawg! You came here prepared and you made it your own!”

Before I cap the week off with another dose of light bites…

Have you heard the news? Health officials have confirmed the first case of Influenza A infection in the country! The dreaded virus is definitely here. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he immediately instructed his chief of staff to download Norton or AVG.

Hayden Apologizes
Hayden Kho has apologized for video recording his sexual trysts with different women. He has also volunteered to suspend his practice of medicine… to focus instead on producing “indie” films.

Dr. Vicki Belo finally admits that she also has sex videos with Hayden Kho. Lawmakers are now checking on whether there’s enough law against sexual predators to protect the elderly.

Light Bites
Q: What is over 6 feet vertically and 4.5 inches horizontally?
A: An “excited” Hayden Kho in front of the camera

Q: If Hayden Kho were Manny Villar, how would he make women happy?
A: Double the budget for them

Q: If Hayden Kho were Panfilo Lacson, how would he make women happy?
A: Sunud-sunod na putok.

Q: If Hayden Kho were Richard Gordon, how would he make women happy?
A: Do not rely on his tongue.

Q: If Hayden Kho were Mar Roxas, how would he make a woman happy?
A: Bring her to a noontime show, cry in front of the cameras, and tell her, “Ikaw ang nagpatigil sa aking pagkabinata.”

Q: If Hayden Kho were Jejomar Binay, how would he make women happy?
A: He waits ‘til they get old and then asks them to reside in Makati City

Q: If Hayden Kho were Noli De Castro, how would he make women happy?
A: Simple lang, PAG-IBIG.

Q: How can Hayden Kho make Loren Legarda happy?
A: He cannot. He’s not in his 70s yet.

Q: If Hayden Kho were Mar Roxas, how would he make women happy?
A: Puuutang-i*a! Sinagot ko na ‘yan ah!?!

Enjoy your weekend!