February 10TH
On this date in…

1899: President Emilio Aguinaldo is informed that American invaders have captured the town of Caloocan. Aguinaldo is displeased when he learned that while the fall of Caloocan was happening, town mayor Recom Echeverri was shopping in Hong Kong with town councilor Marjorie Barretto.

1923: Nobel Prize Laureate and German physicist Wilhelm Conrad Röntgen dies. To mourn his demise, hospitals and clinics all over the world turned off all X-ray machines for one minute.

1940: MGM releases Tom & Jerry created by Hanna & Barbera. Years later, Philippine politics would give birth to a similar tale: Jamby and Manny.

1998: First in history: a man is convicted of committing a hate crime in cyberspace. The college dropout who emailed threats to Asian students would eventually become the inspiration for society columnist Malu Fernandez’s OFW articles.

2005: The engagement of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles is announced. Camilla is very very ecstatic but the structure of her face prevents her from showing her happiness.

BAKBAKAN NA!

Notes from a Debate
Did you catch the Inquirer-sponsored presidential debate in UP? Me neither. But I was able to read some interesting notes about the event. For example, Sen. Manny Villar arrived as a candidate and left as a punching bag.

The “Inquirer First Edition: Presidential Debates” was organized by the Philippine Daily Inquirer and co-sponsored by Globe Telecoms and the UP College of Mass Communication. A total of 27 questions were asked each candidate separated into 3 categories: (1) Law and Governance, (2) Social Services, and (3) Economics and Business. A fourth category was added during the debate proper, Sen. Manny Villar’s political ads.

Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino standard-bearer Joseph Estrada was a no-show at the debate. That’s not surprising though since he always boycotts the Inquirer anyway.

Kilusang Bagong Lipunan’s Vetellano Acosta was also absent. That wasn’t surprising either because he was not invited.

Jamby Jeered
When Sen. Jamby Madrigal was booed for failing to give an accurate answer to the question, “Would you know the current price of “galunggong,” she explained, “I’m a vegetarian.” But when asked to name the third vegetable mentioned in the folk song “Bahay Kubo,” she insisted, “I’m not a singer.”

Defending her failure to answer accurately the question on the price of “galunggong,” Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “I’m a vegetarian.” Again, that’s “vegetarian” NOT “vagitarian” as others insist they heard her say.

Senator Madrigal’s woes didn’t stop with the “galunggong” question. When asked if she knew the cost of salted eggs (itlog na maalat), Jamby shook her head and replied, “I also don’t eat eggs.” We know.

During the Inquirer debate in UP, Senator Madrigal said she didn’t know the price of “galunggong” because she’s “a vegetarian.” She wouldn’t know the cost of salted eggs because she “also doesn’t eat eggs.” Because of these answers, Jamby automatically wins two advance year-end special citations from this blog, (1) “Baka Makalusot Lang” Award, and (2) “Vegetarian Mo’ng Mukha Mo” Award. Congratulations!

If elected president, Senator Madrigal says she won’t let her husband, Eric Jean Claude Dudoignon Valade engage in any business deals… or else, “I will cut his head & his tongue,” to which the Frenchman said, “Etchosera!”

Now you know. Senator Madrigal has a husband and his name is Eric Jean Claude Dudoignon Valade. ‘Yung pangalan niya, kasinghaba siguro ng kanyang pasensya.

Campaign Period Starts
The official campaign period starts today. Reports say President Arroyo won’t be attending the official campaign kick-off of administration bet Gilbert Teodoro. Mrs. Arroyo would have wanted to attend the event if not for her prior commitment to join Sen. Manny Villar’s kick-off rally.

The Liberal Party began their campaign with a mass in Concepcion, Tarlac at 9:30 am. There was one awkward moment though after the first reading. Tension flared up when the camp of advertising bigwig Yolly Ong (the head of Noynoy’s ad campaign) and the camp of Boy & Kris argued on who should read the Responsorial Psalm. (Note for Ms. Yolly Ong: This is a joke, ma’am.)

Sen. Jamby Madrigal started her campaign by attending mass in Quiapo Church. After which, she went outside, shook hands with Quiapo vendors… and inquired about the price of “galunggong” and “itlog na maalat.”

Sen. Richard Gordon and Bayani Fernando today unveiled a campaign truck fashioned after the Transformers’ ‘Optimus Prime.’ But something bad happened even before the truck could leave the duo’s campaign headquarters. A passerby mistook it for an MMDA urinal and pissed on it.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva kicked off his campaign rally by unfolding a huge Philippine flag. An overwhelmed preacher announced, “Ang pinakamalaking bandila sa buong Pilipinas ay iniladlad sa banal na lupa ng Luneta Park.” He then miraculously walked on top of the flag from end to end without losing balance.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s supporter reportedly spent 10 million pesos for that huge flag. To give you an idea how much 10 million pesos is: tatlong prayer rally lang sa Luneta, bawi na ‘yan!

Senatorial bets of the Nacionalista Party kicked off their campaign with a motorcade in Calamba City, Laguna. They went straight to Laguna De Bay where thousands of supporters patiently waited for them. At sa harap ng nagpapalakpakang mga residente sa paligid ng Laguna de Bay, ang mga kandidato ni Senador Villar ay sabay-sabay na naligo – sa dagat ng basura.

Lacson, Too
Though in hiding, Sen. Panfilo Lacson has joined the frenzy. His “Wanted” posters were distributed by an anti-crime group in Metro Manila.

No to Gibô
Asked about her preferred candidate for president, Gretchen Cojuangco, wife of business tycoon Danding Cojuangco, and aunt of administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro, was quoted to have said, “Anybody but Gibô.” Mrs. Cojuangco’s answer elated Sen. Ana Consuelo Madrigal whose aunts and uncles are voting for “anybody but Jamby.”
__________________________
“I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing.”
~Oscar Wilde

Survey Says
Rumors say Sen. Manny Villar is the ’secret candidate’ of Mr. and Mrs. Jose Miguel Arroyo. Your take:
TRUE! 38%
IMPOSIBLE! 19%
Hmmm, baka nga. 43%

Personal:
Trying to Get Away With It
Remember my previous posts about The Ilocos Times? For the benefit of those who didn’t get to read the articles, here’s what happened: The Ilocos Times reprinted my two Christmas-themed blog posts as an Editorial in the paper’s January 11 to 17, 2010 issue and attributed the article to their columnist, Juan L. Mercado. Apparently, the editors have discovered that the item was not actually written by their beloved Mr. Mercado. I checked their online version today and voila! The controversial editorial was gone. Instead, they replaced it with the editorial from the January 18-24 issue. In short, they have two different issues with the same editorial. Wow! And they did not bother to issue even an insincere apology.

Do you really think you could just get away with it by deleting the online version of the copied material? Kapal. [Yup, I am angry now. Sorry.]

Shame on you The Ilocos Times! Shame on you!

Light Bites
The camp of a presidential candidate sent someone to ask soon-to-be dad Paolo Contis (whose Italian father recently died) if he’s free and willing to endorse the candidate. Paolo’s reply:
“Sabihin mo, oo! Go! Kahit kumanta pa ‘ko habang lumalangoy sa dagat ng basura! Go!”

Funny guy.

Pahabol: Make it a habit to watch STRICTLY POLITICS on ANC. Hosted by Ms Pia Hontiveros, it airs every Tuesday@8PM.

February 8th
On this date in…

1834: Russian chemist Dmitri Mendeleev is born. On his birth certificate, the midwife strangely entered the following information:
Group/Family: Mendeleev
Period: 1834
Atomic Weight: 9lbs.
Properties: White, mainly solid but emits liquid matter

1928: Scottish inventor John Logie Baird demonstrates color TV. Shortly after the demo, the Chinese started to mass reproduce fake color TV.

1942: Japanese invaders land on Singapore… and are surprised to discover that the number of Japanese soldiers is larger than the entire Singaporean population

1960: Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino is born. Baby Noy did not cry after birth, something that bothered the hospital staff. When the doctor tried to slap his behind to make him cry (a method widely-believed to help clear the newborn’s lungs), a protective Mommy Cory intervened and said, “Please be patient. Give him some time to think and decide when to cry.”

1978: Deliberations at the US Senate are broadcast on radio for the first time… but listeners begin to tune out when a biased Ted Failon started to annotate the proceedings.

2007: Tabloid sensation Anna Nicole Smith dies at age 39 but her boobs continue to live for the next seven days until her autopsy.

THE FUGITIVE

PAGASA says summer is almost here. It’s getting hotter and hotter outside. No wonder, Sen. Panfilo Lacson refuses to come out.

Ping Lacson
Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s staunch ally, Archbishop-emeritus Oscar Cruz says  the senator’s decision to flee is “justifiable” saying “Sa tingin ko, hindi niya magagawa ang ibinibintang sa kanya.” Cruz’ statement has fueled speculations that he’s quitting the priesthood to become a lawyer.

There have been conflicting reports as to the whereabouts of fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson. Some say he’s in Australia. Others insist he’s still in Hong Kong. And then, some believe he’s at the basement of Marlene Aguilar’s house.

Authorities tried to serve the warrant of arrest Saturday by visiting Lacson’s residence in Ayala, Alabang. Then, they went to the house of Lacson’s son, Panfilo ‘Pampi’ Lacson III and his wife, actress Jodi Sta. Maria in BF Homes, Parañaque City. They also visited his parents’ home but Lacson was never found. Apparently, they haven’t searched the house of Archbishop Cruz yet.

Sen. Gringo Honasan, who himself was a fugitive from the law on several occasions in the past said Senator Lacson should “master the art of disguise.” Honasan advised him to “maximize costumes” – prompting Lacson to read articles on Lady Gaga.

Reports say Senator Lacson will surface only after the May 10 polls when a new president is elected. Unless of course, it’s Manny Villar.

Top 8 Movie Remakes Starring Sen. Panfilo Lacson

No. 8: Ping Shui

No. 7: Duwag the Dog

No: 6: Look Who’s Hiding

No. 5: Chickened, Ran

No. 4: Coward’s End

No. 3: I Know What You Did Last November 2000

No. 2: Harry Dacer and the Prisoner of Alabang

And the No.1 movie remake starring Sen. Panfilo Lacson…

You’ve Got Jail

In Other News…
The Commission on Elections held mock polls Saturday. Topping the race for president was Dr. Jose Rizal… prompting the PR group of Sen. Noynoy Aquino to make changes in their campaign strategy.

In the mock polls held Saturday, Dr. Jose Rizal emerged as the top pick for president besting closest rival Emilio Aguinaldo. However, Aguinaldo refused to concede and vowed to immediately file an election protest.

In the mock polls held Saturday, Dr. Jose Rizal emerged as the top pick for president. The Liberal Party accused Rizal of being the “secret candidate” of the Spanish Governor-General.

Marcelo H. Del Pilar won the vice presidential race in the mock polls held Saturday. The next day, Korina Sanchez was on radio blaming Conrado De Quiros and Kiko Pangilinan for her husband’s loss.

Noynoy Aquino’s Camp Reacts
The Professional Heckler received an email from the head of Sen. Noynoy Aquino’s advertising campaign, Ms Yolly Ong of ad agency Campaigns and Grey as regards the recent post titled “EVEN NOW.” It was sent through Philippine Star columnist William ‘Billy’ Esposo, an online friend of The Professional Heckler. Click here for details.

Survey Says
According to the latest survey, Noynoy and Villar are statistically “tied” now – because…
Villar has more ads than Noynoy 31%
Villar’s ads are more effective than Noynoy’s 42%
I don’t care! 27%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
This is really cute. Have fun!

February 5th
On this date in…

1564: In a memorandum, officials of the Augustinian order assign priests to join the voyage of Miguel Lopez de Legazpi to the Philippines. Barely a year after the priests arrived, the country’s population doubled.

1917: US Congress passes the Immigration Act, which restricts the influx of Asians. On the same day, Filipinos coined the acronym ‘TNT’

1937: President Roosevelt proposed increasing the number of Supreme Court justices… a proposal rejected by Father Joaquin Bernas, and the political opposition.

1947: Bolewet Beirut becomes president of Poland. A week later, Wenceslao Warsaw becomes president of Lebanon.

1977: The song “Torn Between Two Lovers” by Mary MacGregor topped the charts and stayed there for 2 weeks. It would also become one of Sen. Loren Legarda’s all-time favorites.

1986: Two days before the snap presidential elections, Corazon Aquino & Ferdinand Marcos appeared on ABC’s “Nightline” hosted by Ted Koppel. Although she read from a prepared opening statement, analysts noticed an improvement in Mrs. Aquino’s performance during the debate.

Thanks to the NYTimes On this Day; Filipiniana.Net and Scope Systems.

EVEN NOW

THE RACE FOR PRESIDENT is indeed heating up. Three surveys conducted nationwide last month showed that Richard Gordon, Jamby Madrigal, Vetallano Acosta, JC De Los Reyes, Nicanor Perlas, and Bro. Eddie Villanueva were statistically tied for last place!

Pulse Asia Survey
According to Pulse Asia, Senators Noynoy Aquino and Manny Villar are now statistically “tied” for first place. Either Villar’s ads were that good or the Senate majority’s ‘job’ on Villar was that bad.

Liberal Party spokesman Quezon Rep. Lorenzo “Erin” Tañada III admits that they are concerned about the results of the latest Pulse Asia survey. Noynoy was reportedly so bothered, he even requested his advisers to verify rumors that “nabili lang sa Divisoria ang naturang survey.”

Liberal Party spokesman Erin Tañada admits that Noynoy Aquino’s ads (which were handled and conceptualized by Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda) haven’t had a strong impact. In fact, after the release of Noynoy’s latest “rap ad,” Baby James got a higher rating than him.

The head of Noynoy Aquino’s advertising campaign, Yolanda Ong of ad agency Campaigns and Grey says because of the decline in Noynoy’s ratings, there will be major changes in his campaign strategy. It will start with the exclusion of Kris and Boy in brainstorming sessions.

[Here's a rejoinder from Ms. Yolly Ong.]

Liberal Party spokesman Erin Tañada admits that the so-called “Cory Magic” that catapulted Aquino as the favorite to win the presidential race may already be wearing off. Unfortunately for Noynoy, Cory’s “babang-luksa” or first death anniversary is still six months away.

Top 10 Messages Left on Senator Noynoy Aquino’s Answering Machine After the Release of the Latest Pulse Asia Survey

No. 10: “Hi Noy. Korina here. Have you heard the news? Mar has been pulling away in the vice presidential surveys. I’m so very happy for my husband. Are you?”

No. 9: “Senator, this is Mayen Austria. Alam ko pong may problema kayo ngayon sa survey ratings n’yo, pero wala na po talaga akong mapagsabihan ng problema ko sa aking boyfriend eh. Nagpalit na kasi ng number si James.”

No. 8: “Noynoy, si Jamby ‘to. I’ve done every possible thing against that corrupt and evil candidate of the Nacionalista Party. Tell me, saan ako nagkulang?”

No. 7: “Mr. Senator, this is the SWS. Quiapo pala huh. Ayan ang napala mo!”

No. 6: “Hi Noy. Si Korina ulit ‘to. Nasabi ko na ba sa ‘yo na ang taas-taas ng rating ngayon ni Mar? Boom-boom pow! Boom-boom pow!”

No. 5: “Noy, this is Mar! Pagpasensyahan mo na si misis. Mukhang may sapi na naman eh. Intindihin mo na lang. At huwag kang mag-alala, hindi kita pababayaan. Magsasama tayo. Lalaban tayo.”

No. 4: “Hi Noy, sa campaign headquarters ‘to ni Senator Villar. Guys, sabay-sabay… “Si Villar ang tunay na mahirap. Si Villar ang tunay na may malasakit. Si Villar ang may kakayahan at gumawa ng sariling pangalan…”

No. 3: “Hello Noy, this is Conrado De Quiros of the Inquirer. Your candidacy will deliver us back to the beginning of things, or thrust us back to the time where myth and history meet or the place where life and legend intersect. The time or place of the great fight between Good and Evil: Between Cory and Marcos, between Obama and Bush, between the Fellowship of the Ring and the Eye of Mordor, between Luke Skywalker and the Evil Empire. Use the Force, Noy.”

No. 2: “Senator Aquino, hindi na mahalaga kung sino man kami. Basta, sa palasyo ‘to at naka-tap ang phone mo. Pakisabi kay De Quiros, ang OA niya huh!

And the No. 1 message left on Senator Noynoy Aquino’s answering machine after the release of the latest Pulse Asia survey…

“’Noy, don’t worry ok? Next week, susugurin ko ulit si Mayen, pero sasampalin ko na siya para mas pag-usapan. ‘Tapos, makikipaghiwalay ulit ako kay James, hindi lang two days but five. Pero help me naman with Ate Ballsy para may malipatan ako pansamantala. Nahihiya na ‘kong makitira kay Ate Pinky eh. ‘Tsaka… wait lang huh, ‘tawag ako ulit. Gosh, Joshua, ano baaaa! Huwag mong sakyan si Baby James!”
___________________
“There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.” ~Rex Stout, Death of a Doxy

Survey Says
On the country’s first ever automated elections:
I’m optimistic. Kaya natin ‘yan! 53%
Kinakabahan ako. Baka pumalpak. 47%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

FEBRUARY 3rd

1867: Fourteen-year-old Prince Mutsuhito becomes Emperor Meiji of Japan. Just minutes after the news of his rise to power is announced, he receives thousands of “Friend Requests” on Facebook.

1927: Blas F. Ople, Filipino politician and government official is born. It took three days of intense pain before baby Blas finally came out. Years later, he would become the Minister of Labor.

1930: The Communist Party of Vietnam is established. To celebrate the historic event, party leaders orders the bombing of several cell sites.

1986: Pope John Paul II meets Mother Teresa, head of the Missionaries of Charities order, in Calcutta and visited her refuge for the sick and dying. The next day, paparazzi photos were splashed across gossip tabloids calling them “an item.”

1989: A military-backed uprising overthrows Alfredo Stroessner, president of Paraguay. He was tried and convicted but was immediately pardoned by his successor. He is now seeking reelection with the campaign slogan, “Alfredo para el pobrecito.”

Thanks to BBC On This Day, Scope Systems, and Wikipedia.

THE CLIMB

THE LATEST Social Weather Stations survey conducted from Jan. 21 to 24, 2010 is out. On Page 1 of the SWS report is a disclaimer that states, “No portion of this study was obtained in or near Quiapo.”

According to the latest SWS survey commissioned by Business World, Sen. Manny Villar has narrowed the lead of Sen. Noynoy Aquino to seven percentage points. To avert a further decline in his rating, Noynoy will release a rap version of his “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa” video.

From 15 percent in December, pardoned plunderer Joseph Estrada’s rating is down to 13 percent in January. The SWS believes there’s a modest decline in the prevalence of idiocy in the country.

In the latest SWS survey, Gilbert Teodoro got 4 percent; Sen. Richard Gordon and Bro. Eddie Villanueva, each got 2 percent, Kilusang Bagong Lipunan standard bearer Vetellano Acosta, 0.3 percent; Ang Kapatiran’s JC Delos Reyes, 0.2 percent; and environmentalist Nicanor Perlas; 0.1 percent. The SWS did not release the rating of Sen. Jamby Madrigal. She won’t believe the results anyway.

StratPOLLS Survey
In the latest survey conducted by StratPOLLS, Gilbert Teodoro jumped into double-digit figures for the first time. He got 11 percent. Partida pa ‘yan huh. Nakaw pa ang ginamit na ad jingle n’yan!

Jamby on Villar
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Sen. Jamby Madrigal described Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. as “an evil candidate.” Villar vowed to give a reaction tomorrow on radio station dzRH, 666 kHz.

Where is Lacson?
Sen. Panfilo Lacson admits fleeing the country last Jan. 5 or two days before the Department of Justice recommended the filing of murder raps against him for the murders of publicist Salvador “Bubby” Dacer and his driver on November 24, 2000. The majority senator who failed to attend the Senate plenary on the C-5 road extension controversy issued a statement saying he left the country out of his concern for his “own personal safety and security” to which Sen. Manny Villar said, “I agree. Mabuti pa nga d’yan ka na muna.”

Signal Jammer
The Commission on Elections says reports of people planning to use jammers to disrupt telecommunication signals and sabotage the automated elections on May 10 should be taken seriously… although poor telecom signal is neither new nor alarming if you’re a Sun Cellular subscriber.

Signal Jammer II
Even Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino has expressed alarm over reports that some people may use signal jammers to sabotage the elections. Noynoy adds, “Nabibili lang kasi ‘yan sa Raon District sa Quiapo.”

Senate’s Big Spender
According to the Commission on Audit, detained senator Antonio Trillanes IV is the third biggest spender among Senate members in 2008 incurring expenses of 17.224 million pesos. Under the category, “local travel expenses,” Trillanes spent 247,404 pesos! Bakit?!? Kasinlaki ba ng UP campus ang detention cell niya at kailangan niyang magsakay?

Senate’s Big Spender II
As per COA’s report for 2008, detained senator Antonio Trillanes IV spent 247,404 pesos for “local travel.” Does Philippine law now allow spending for astral travel?!

In Entertainment…
‘Comedy King’ Dolphy, a Manny Villar endorser, has left ABS-CBN and inked a deal with Manny Pangilinan’s TV 5. Maricel Soriano, another ABS-CBN talent, and Dolphy’s daughter in the defunct sitcom “John & Marsha” has also transferred to TV5. To prove that his newly-acquired station is dead serious in competing with GMA and ABS-CBN, Manny Pangilinan is initiating talks with Nida Blanca.

——————–
“Eeach candidate behaved well in the hope of being judged worthy of election. However, this system was disastrous when the city had become corrupt. For then it was not the most virtuous but the most powerful who stood for election, and the weak, even if virtuous, were too frightened to run for office.”
~Niccolo Machiavelli

FEBRUARY 1st

1650: Philosopher Rene Descartes who originated the statement, “Cogito ergo sum” dies. He stopped thinking.

1814: Mayon Volcano erupts killing 1,200 people. The figure could have been higher if not for the outstanding disaster management program implemented by the Albay governor who happened to be the great-great-great-great grandfather of Joey Salceda.

1965: Peter Jennings, 26, becomes anchor of ABC’s nightly news. A month later, he receives a juicy offer from Manny Pangilinan to transfer to TV5.

1978: After pleading guilty to charges of having sex with a 13-year-old girl, director Roman Polanski skips bail and escapes. He fled to Zamboanga Del Norte where he befriended Romeo Jalosjos.

1979: Exiled religious leader Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, who was imprisoned by the Shah in 1963 for his opposition to reforms, has made a triumphant return to Iran after 14 years in exile. To celebrate the momentous event, a motorcade was held in the streets of Tehran. Kohmeini was joined on the float by Lito Atienza and son, Ali.

2003: Seven astronauts perish as Columbia breaks up on re-entry into the Earth’s atmosphere leaving NASA and the world in a state of disbelief. One of those who saw the event live on TV was Vicki Belo whose face would never recover from the initial shock.

Thanks to BBC On This Day, Scope Systems, and Taga-Ilog News.

AYON SA MGA BITUIN

ANO ANG SINASABI NG MGA BITUIN sa kapalaran ng siyam na kandidato sa pagkapangulo ngayong linggong ito? Narito.

Basahin, limiin, unawain, at seryosohin. Ngunit laging tandaan ang paalala ni Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ulitin natin. Pero sa pagkakataong ito, basahin nang malakas at imadyinin si Zenaida Seva habang binibigkas ang linya, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” At inulit mo naman. Masunuring bata!

Noynoy Aquino
February 8, 1960
Aquarius:
Iwasang magtungo sa Quiapo. Baka mapagbintangan kang bumibili ng survey.

Sa pag-ibig, magpapasya ka this week sa regalong ibibigay mo kay Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad sa Valentine’s Day. Huwag mo itong ipaalam kay Kris. Pagtatawanan ka lang niya at sasabihang “Gosh, how cheap!”

Hahabol sa kasikatan ng “Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura” jingle ni Manny Villar ang NOY|NOY! jingle kung saan tinangka mong mag-rap katulad ng idolo mong si Vanilla Ice. Ngunit makabubuting panoorin ang ginawa mong pagsayaw sa naturang patalastas. Ginawa na ni Villar ang ganyang gimmick noong 2007. Utang na loob, huwag mo nang ulitin. Mukha kang tanga!

Sanga pala, may nag-text.
“Patahimikin mo na kami. Huwag mo na kaming isali d’yan. Matanda ka na. Alam mo na ang dapat mong gawin. Good luck.” All the best, Daddy Ninoy & Mommy Cory

JC De Los Reyes
February 14, 1970
Aquarius:
Saludo ang mga bituin sa iyong tapang at determinasyong tumakbo sa pagkapangulo ng ating bansa. Ngunit mas sasaludo sila sa ‘yo kung ikaw ay uurong.

Joseph Estrada
April 19, 1937
Aries:
Hindi ka si Harry Houdini. Hindi ka rin si David Copperfield. At lalong hindi ka si David Blaine. Pero ang tanong ng mga bituin: bakit hanggang ngayon ay nabubuhay ka pa rin sa illusion?

Patuloy na bebenta ang iyong mga jokes sa mga presidential forum. Ikaw ang aani ng pinakamalakas na tawanan at palakpak mula sa crowd. Subalit ipinapayo ng mga bituin na limitahan ang dami ng binibitawan mong jokes. Baka mapagkamalan kang si Dolphy at kunin kang endorser ni Villar.

Richard Gordon
August 5, 1945
Leo:
Bilib ang mga bituin sa talas at husay ng iyong utak lalo na sa mga debate at presidential forum. Ngunit mag-ingat sa napakabilis na pagsasalita. Baka malunok mo ang iyong maigsing dila. Iisa pa lamang ang successful tongue transplant sa mundo.

Limitahan din ang paggamit sa Subic at Olongapo sa mga debate. Given na ‘yon. Sinuwerte ka lang dahil doon ka nahalal na alkalde. Kung ikaw ang naging mayor ng Siayan town sa Zamboanga del Norte na may poverty incidence na 97.46 percent, baka wala ring gaanong nagawa ang matabil mong dila.

Isang unsolicited advice lang po mula sa mga bituin: palitan n’yo na ang iyong TV ad na ang musikang gamit ay “Silent Night.’ Pebrero na ngayon.

Nicanor Perlas
January 10, 1950
Capricorn:
May walong araw pa bago opisyal na magsimula ang campaign period kung saan inaasahang gagastos nang todo-todo ang mga kandidato. Dahil sa mababang rating sa survey, mahihirapan kang kumalap ng campaign contributions.

Habang abala sa paghahanap ng financial support, makakatanggap ka ng ‘good news’ at ‘not so good news’ bago matapos ang linggong ito. Ang good news: susuportahan ka ng pamilya Ayala. Ang ‘not so good news’ – ng pamilya ni Joey Ayala: karaniwang tao.

Pinupuri ng mga bituin ang iyong mga nagawa bilang advocate ng malinis at maayos na kapaligiran at kalikasan. Dahil diyan, mananalo ka! Mananalo ka sa May 10… kung papayagang bumoto ang mga puno.

Gilbert Teodoro
June 14, 1964
Gemini:
Iwasang makunan ng larawan kasama ang isang babaeng may nunal sa kaliwang pisngi. May dalang kamalasan ‘yan. Mas lalong iwasang makunan ng larawan kasama ang isang ginoong napakalaki ng katawan ngunit napakaliit ng boses. Doble ang kamalasang dala niyan.

Mauungusan mo sa susunod na survey sina Noynoy at Villar… kung sa La Salle campus gagawin ang survey.

Posibleng umagaw ng boto sa ‘yo ang isang female presidential candidate na berde rin ang campaign color. Malas mo lang dahil pareho pa kayo ng gupit. Remedyuhan habang maaga.

Manny Villar
December 13, 1949
Sagittarius:
Sa pananalapi: napakasuwerte mo. Ni singko ay wala kang utang. Umuulan ang iyong pera kaya naman bumabaha ang iyong political ads.

Dahil sa ‘yo, muling mag-iinit ang Senado sa linggong ito. Consistent kang tao. May isang salita. Hindi ka sisipot sa pagdinig ng plenaryo. Kaya’t patuloy na magtatanong ang taong-bayan: guilty or not guilty? Dahil sa patuloy na pag-iwas mo sa iyong mga accusers, malamang na iwasan ka na rin ng mga botante. Ang payo ng mga bituin: simulan mo na ang paghahanap ng tindahang nagbebenta ng suwerte. Kakailanganin mo ‘yan ngayong Mayo.

Babala: kung ayaw mong umuwing may black eye, iwasan ang isang babaeng may initials na JM. May maitim siyang balak sa ‘yo. Matagal ka na niyang hina-hunting. Clue sa katauhan ng babae: mukha siyang lalaki.

Jamby Madrigal
April 26, 1958
Taurus:
Kung may mga sanggol na ipinaglihi sa hilaw na mangga, maasim na siniguelas, o hinog na duhat, naniniwala ang mga bituin na ikaw naman ay ipinaglihi sa sama ng loob. Tila malaki ang kinikimkim mong galit sa pulitiko man o sa mga kamag-anak mo. Isa kang ‘bully’ sa iyong past life.

Babala ng mga bituin: Chill. Baka dumating ang araw na maubusan ka ng maaaway at ibaling mo ang iyong galit sa iyong sarili.

Sa pag-ibig, walang gaanong pagbabagong nakikita ang mga bituin. Masyadong maulap ang aspetong romantiko ng iyong buhay.

Sa pulitika, sinabi mo last week na hindi ka naniniwala sa mga surveys. ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Hindi rin sila naniniwala sa ‘yo! Quits lang pare.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva
October 6, 1946
Libra:
Ang katulad mong Born-Again Christian at spiritual leader ay hindi naniniwala sa mga hula.
Ang sabi ng mga bituin: ‘Pwes, hindi rin kami naniniwala sa ‘yo.’
Wala kang horoscope!

_____________
“There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as “nutty methods.” Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as ‘a complete waste of time.’”
~ Scott Adams

Survey Says
Your unsolicited advice to Sen. Manuel Villar Jr.:
Face your Senate accusers! 67%
Ignore them! 9%
Bahala ka sa buhay mo! 24%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Stay safe!

JANUARY 29th

1834: US President Andrew Jackson orders first use of troops to suppress a labor dispute… a technique that would be employed 170 years later by the management of Hacienda Luisita in Central Luzon, Philippines.

1839: Charles Darwin marries Emma Wedgwood… in a simple forest wedding officiated by Darwin’s zoologist friend.

1883: Writing from Spain, 21-year-old Jose Rizal updates his parents about his life and plans in Madrid. He expresses his intent to travel, learn European languages, meet new friends, and lose his virginity.

1936: The first inductees into the US Baseball Hall of Fame are announced… half of which would have not made the list if anabolic steroids were discovered much earlier.

1954: Oprah Winfrey is born. Overjoyed by her birth, Oprah’s parents gave each person present at the delivery room a key to a new car.

1987: Philippine President Corazon Aquino successfully suppressed the uprising of rebel soldiers that occupied Channel 7. Throughout her term in office, she survived six rebellions. The only rebellion she failed to suppress was her youngest daughter’s.

Thanks to BBC On This Day, Today in History and Filipiniana.NET.

PUBLICITY

FYI: the official campaign period for national elective posts won’t kick-off until February 9. Yes, according to the law, official campaigning starts on that day… meaning, those ads you see on TV right now? They’re unofficial. They’re not serious. Don’t believe them.

The race for president heats up as the campaign period approaches. Have you seen the candidates’ latest stunts? Noynoy Aquino tried to rap, Gilbert Teodoro flew a plane, and Manny Villar performed another vanishing act at the Senate.

Noynoy Aquino tried to rap and Gilbert Teodoro attempted to fly a plane. Not to be outdone, Bro. Eddie Villanueva will try to walk on water.

Have you seen Gilbert Teodoro’s latest TV ad where he tried to fly a plane? Here’s an update on that: the owner of the plane has threatened to sue Gibô for using the aircraft without permission.

This just in! While ABS-CBN is backing the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino, its child welfare arm, Bantay Bata 163 has decided to throw its support behind “abused child” Jamby Madrigal.

Villar vs. Enrile
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile accused Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. of trying to buy his loyalty last August 29, 2009. It took five months for Enrile to expose the alleged bribe try because he had to study the offer carefully.

Villar vs. Enrile II
Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. denied offering a bribe to Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile. While Villar admitted that he met briefly with Enrile, he clarified that he never attempted to bribe him although he remembered telling the Senate president, “I could give you a new house and lot if you’d appear as a contestant on Wowowee.”

Pimentel’s Joke
Senate Minority Leader Aquilino Pimentel Jr. has apologized for a sex joke during Monday’s heated Senate debate on the C-5 road extension project controversy. Pimentel admitted that it was wrong to crack a joke on Korina’s crack.

Priests Confess
Some 5,500 Roman Catholic priests participated in a mass confession Wednesday, January 27. The event marked one of the largest gatherings of hypocrites ever.

Some 5,500 Roman Catholic priests participated in a mass confession Wednesday, January 27. A check on official records showed that the most common terms uttered during the confession were “boys” and “women.”
_____________
“There’s a very fine line between what is considered legal and ethical and legitimate, and [what constitutes] bribery.”
~Randall Eliason

Survey Says
Marlene Aguilar-Pollard is…
Mabuting ina 2%
Kunsintidora! 15%
Nuts! 83%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

JANUARY 27

STARTING TODAY, between regular blog posts, The Professional Heckler will bring you:

JANUARY 27th

1872: Governor Gen. Rafael de Izquierdo bestows praise to the Catholic religious orders after the Spanish colonial forces quelled the Cavite mutiny staged by Filipino rebels in the province. From that day on, Filipinos never trusted the Catholic Church again.

1977: The Vatican reaffirms the Roman Catholic Church’s ban on female priests… a decision that would eventually backfire as male priests switched their attention to altar boys.

1992: Former world boxing champion Mike Tyson is tried for allegedly raping an 18-year-old contestant in the 1991 Miss Black America Contest. The prosecution presented its strongest piece of evidence against the boxer: the victim’s severed clitoris.

1984: Michael Jackson is burned during filming for a Pepsi commercial… marking his transformation from a once cute black American boy to a scary white American woman.

2004: Former Philippine Vice President Salvador Laurel dies of lymphoma… prompting Filipinos to forgive him for misappropriating funds in the construction of the controversial P1.165-billion Centennial Expo in Clarkfield, Angeles City, Pampanga.

AT LEAST…

Hotspots
Hundreds of soldiers have been deployed in the province of Masbate as the May 10 election approaches. Right now, Masbate has the second most politically-charged environment in the country… next only to the Senate.

At the Senate…
Tensions flared at the Senate Monday as lawmakers debated the report of the committee of the whole on the C-5 road extension controversy. The situation got so intense the AFP had to deploy soldiers in the session hall.

Nacionalista Party standard-bearer, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. snubbed yet again the Senate debates on the committee report on the C-5 road controversy. Villar insisted that he’ll show up at the Senate only if the debates will be held at noontime, the TV coverage of which will be annotated by Willie Revillame, and a house and lot will be raffled off before the debate is over.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal called Senator Manuel Villar a “coward” for snubbing the Senate deliberations. Sen. Aquilino Pimentel called the remark “unparliamentary.” Madrigal then labeled the minority as Villar’s “express choo-choo train of lawyers” to which an irked Pimentel retorted, “At least I’m not an abused child.” And we all thought that Marlene Aguilar was bizarre.

When Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano stated that some members of the majority had budget insertions of their own, Sen. Mar Roxas said, “No. I had no insertion on any matter. In fact, I have no insertion, period.” That explains why Korina Sanchez has been very moody lately.

Reacting to Sen. Mar Roxas’ claim that he had no insertions on any matter, Sen. Aquilino Pimentel said, “Well, well, I am sure that after your marriage, you had some insertions.” When Korina Sanchez heard this, she whispered, “I wish!”

The Senate debates on the C-5 road extension project report turned nasty when Sen. Aquilino Pimentel called Sen. Jamby Madrigal “an abused child.” And it turned nastier when a miffed Madrigal pointed her finger at Pimentel and shouted, “Corruption! Corruption!” Pimentel shouted back, “Tomboy! Tomboy!”

Another Villar ally, Alan Peter Cayetano joined the fray and called Madrigal a “saling pusa.” Madrigal replied, “At least I’m a cat, not a bitch,” to which Villar’s runningmate Sen. Loren Legarda said, “Bakit naman ako nadamay d’yan!?”

Nasty. Personal. Trashy. That’s how observers described Monday’s Senate debate over the committee of the whole report on the C-5 road extension controversy. When Sen. Jamby Madrigal called Villar’s allies as an “express choo-choo train of lawyers,” Senator Pimentel answered, “At least, I’m not an abused child.” It did not end there though. A more personal, heated exchange followed – something that escaped the TV networks.

Sen. Joker Arroyo said, “At least, I didn’t sign the same committee report twice with contrasting positions.”
… to which Sen. Francis Pangilinan said, “At least, I stood by my party’s position on the matter.”
… to which Sen. Francis Escudero said, “Thank God, I don’t have a party!”

Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri said, “At least, nailabas ang committee report.”
… to which Sen. Noynoy Aquino said, “At least, sure ako na hindi nabili sa Quiapo ‘yan.”

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “At least, I’m not a criminal.”
… to which Sen. Panfilo Lacson said, “At least, I’m not a jueteng protector.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said, “At least, I’m not a cretin.”
… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said, “At least, I’m not affected. Ano ba ‘yung cretin?”

Sen. Mar Roxas said, “At least, kaya ko pang mag-insert! ‘Di tulad ng iba d’yan!”
… to which Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Akala ko ba magkakampi tayo?”

Sen. Bong Revilla said, “At least, may mga ganitong debate para magkaintindihan tayo.”
… to which Sen. Richard Gordon said, “At least, naiintindihan mo naman pala.”

Sen. Edgardo Angara said, “At least, I’m sure that this “away” will not last that long. Maaayos din ‘yan.”
… to which Sen. Noynoy Aquino again said, “At least two days, parang sina Kris and James.”
____________
“You’re so lost in the inferno of crime and dishonor, you become sickening animals, repugnant to everything that’s good about this country, everything this nation celebrates in the spirit of humanity! You are sick, awful vehicles of hate! If there is a god, he will get you, you sleazy, cancerous, infected, malignant, grotesque snakes!”
~ Asst. DA Richard Bay, “The Practice” (1999)

News/Views for Sale
A person very close to the camp of a presidential candidate reveals a prominent broadcaster is now on the candidate’s side. “Nabili” was the term used by the source. So don’t be surprised if this feisty broadcaster would go ‘soft’ on issues involving the presidential candidate. Ang tanong: magkano kaya ang talent fee niya?

Photo of the Weak
A reader of this blog pointed out the uncanny resemblance. What do you think?

Andal Ampatuan Jr. and Jamby Madrigal:
Separated at Birth?

POSTSCRIPTS

Postscript to a
Suspected Murderer’s Story
Marlene Aguilar-Pollard says her son, Jason Aguilar Ivler “hates the Philippine government and has absolutely no respect for the Philippine government” – prompting hardcore leftist groups to offer him free membership.

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard revealed that her first lover was murdered in a Bangkok hotel by “professional killers.” Another former lover was a Colombian arms dealer while another was a convicted criminal currently jailed in England. When officials of the Asian Development Bank heard this, they immediately ordered a background check on Stephen Pollard.

Marlene Aguilar claims her son was framed by “some of the most powerful military men in America,” because she wrote a book exposing the twin towers attack as an inside job, and that American businessmen funded Nazi-Germany. By the way, Marlene is coming out soon with a new book that will expose Renato Victor Ebarle Jr’s road rage-related death as staged, and that he is still alive.

According to Marlene Aguilar-Pollard, her other son Colby is the stubborn one whom she calls names like Saddam, Damien, and Hannibal. Marlene also reveals, “Jason is the exact opposite. He never raised his voice.” He just shoots instantly!

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard says her sons, Jason and Colby are geniuses although she described Colby as hardheaded and called him names like Saddam, Damien, and Hannibal. Aside from Jason and Colby, Marlene has two other kids, Crispin and Basilio.

In a TV interview, Marlene Aguilar boasted, “My intelligence is way above most people.” She insisted though, “I’m not aware that Jason was hiding in our house.” Her intelligence was sloppy.

Postscript to a
Domestic Dispute
After spending only two days at her sister’s house, Kris Aquino has reconciled with James Yap. Because of the Mayen Austria controversy, Kris has finally realized how difficult it was to live without her husband, and how easy it was to campaign for her brother… live!

Kris Aquino and James Yap have reconciled after only two days of separation. We’ll find out if the separation has paid off as soon as the results of the next presidential survey are released.

Postscript to
a Comelec Ruling
The Commission on Elections dismissed the petition filed against the presidential bid of deposed president Joseph Estrada. A consistent third placer in various surveys, Estrada can now run in May. Due to this development, his political advisers are compelled to think of an alternative graceful exit.

Deposed president Joseph Estrada’s presidential bid has been approved by the Commission on Elections. His political advisers have started to prepare themselves for a grueling campaign and an eye-opening defeat.

In Other News…
Reports say First Gentleman Mike Arroyo is supporting the candidacy of Sen. Manuel Villar Jr… fueling speculations that Villar is a guest candidate of the First Couple.

The Commission on Elections revealed that 43,000 Filipinos have “double” registrations… to which Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. said, “Wala akong alam d’yan!”

Overseas…
The New York Times plans to charge readers for full access to its web site next year. In contrast, the Ilocos Times vows to maintain a free website and will soon start accepting editorial articles from readers – bloggers, in particular.
__________
“Hindi ko kailangang bawiin. Wala akong dapat bawiin. I am buying my dream. I am spending to achieve my dream. And that’s all it.”
~Sen. Manuel Villar Jr’s answer when a friend asked him how he intended to recover the millions of pesos he spent for his political ads if he wins the presidency
(Thanks to NLS, an avid Villar supporter and friend for this info)

Personal: The Ilocos Times
A Postscript
I just learned that Mr. Juan L. Mercado, columnist of the Philippine Daily Inquirer re-printed my two Xmas-themed posts not just once or twice but thrice – in The Bohol Chronicle, in Western Visayas’ The Daily Guardian, and in The Philippine Daily Mirror.

He claimed that it came from an email. He didn’t identify the sender though. But one thing is certain: it didn’t come from me. Fine. Sige na nga, forwarded lang sa ‘yo ‘yun.

But The Ilocos Times, where Mercado is also a columnist, reprinted it as an editorial and attributed it to him. Now that’s unacceptable.

Sige, ‘payag na ‘ko. Walang plagiarism. But to compile political humor pieces and publish them as an editorial? Funny.

Survey Says
Your take on the recommendation of 12 senators to censure Sen. Manny Villar:
Dapat lang! 57%
Nangangamoy pulitika! 34%
Wala akong pakialam! 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

THE ILOCOS TIMES… Bow!

THANK YOU SO MUCH to one of this blog’s readers, Del for informing me about this.

The Ilocos Times, a local publication up north copied my Christmas-themed articles last year and re-printed them as an editorial in the paper’s January 11 to January 17, 2010 issue.

Below the editorial title is a disclaimer of sorts: “The following is an article written by Johnny Mercado.” In all fairness, there was an attribution. Right click here to see the online edition of the paper.

I don’t know who Johnny Mercado is. The last time I checked, my birth certificate says “M****** Landicho” was STILL my real name. [Now you know. Ha-ha!]

The person who alerted me on the Ilocos Times editorial surmised that the “Johnny Mercado” being referred to was Ilocos Times columnist, Juan Mercado. Isn’t he the same Juan Mercado who writes for the Philippine Daily Inquirer? Correct me please if I got it all wrong.

But seriously, Ilocos Times people are legitimate journalists aren’t they? Why the need to copy-paste a compilation of political humor musings to come up with an editorial? Ang daming isyu, ang daming usapin, ang daming pangyayaring puwedeng suriin at busisiin ng mga editors, bakit kailangan pang humiram sa iba?

What were they thinking?

In contrast, Philippine Star columnist William Esposo re-printed the same post in his column last December 31 but he did ask for my permission before he published the article.

Please do not misinterpret this post. Wala po akong kinikita mula sa blog na ito kahit isang sentimo. Kaya konting attribution lang po sana sa mga sinulat ko, masaya na ‘ko.

I hope this piece reaches the staff of The Ilocos Times. Come on guys, you can do better than that. Halimbawa, kopyahin n’yo ang editoryal ng Inquirer o ng Philippine Star. Just kidding.

Sana ket umuna kuma nga inammo yo ta source yo bago kayo nga nagsurat ken nagkopya. Agyamanak!

I’m not mad. In fact, I’m half-flattered. Paano naman ako magagalit eh bigla kong nakita ang larawang ito mula sa GMA News website. President Arroyo recently bestowed the Order of Sikatuna with the Rank of Datu to outgoing US Ambassador Kristie Kenney.

Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: “O, Gloria, pakabait ka huh. Huwag mong sayangin ang nine years of unwavering support ng Washington sa ‘yo.”
B: “Oo naman. Kaya nga tatakbo ulit ako para maipagpatuloy ko ang aking mga nasimulan na tinolerate n’yo naman!”
C: “If we were guys, they might describe this moment as ‘bromance.’ But since, we’re both women, ito ang tinatawag na ‘breast friends.’”
D: “Mabuti pa ‘yung sa ‘yo, totoo. ‘Yung sa ‘kin, kaliwa na lang ang natural.”
_______________
“TIMES like these, you need a juicy.”
~Juicy Fruit Gum ad

BUSTED!

Fugitive Arrested
Last Monday, NBI agents finally arrested murder suspect Jason Aguilar Ivler while hiding in his mother’s home at Blue Ridge A Subdivision in Quezon City. Before engaging authorities in a shootout, Ivler desperately tried to elude arrest by claiming that he was actually an OFW currently on vacation from Qatar.

Jason’s mother, Marlene Aguilar-Pollard was also arrested Monday but is currently out on bail. Marlene was charged with obstruction of justice, giving false statements to authorities, and indecent exposure during the raid.

Something insane happened while Jason Aguilar Ivler was being rushed to the Quirino Memorial Medical Center Monday. When the ambulance carrying him got stuck in a traffic jam, he grabbed the gun of an NBI agent and tried to shoot the driver of the car in front of them.

NBI agents were shocked when TV host Kris Aquino suddenly appeared outside the residence of Marlene Aguilar Monday morning. Kris shouted invectives at Jason Ivler’s mother and said, “Anong klaseng nanay ka? Anong klase ang palaki mo sa anak mo?”

This just in! NBI agents reportedly arrested the wrong Marlene Aguilar! Rumors say the woman who was nabbed Monday was actress Caridad Sanchez!

Folk singer Freddie Aguilar, brother of Marlene Aguilar-Pollard refused to issue a statement on the Jason Aguilar Ivler controversy… something that was understandable since Ka Freddie’s got problems of his own with daughter Megan.

Marlene Aguilar is reportedly mad at some media outlets for dragging her brother’s name into the controversy. A teary-eyed Marlene said on TV, “You can’t blame me for defending my brother. No, ian, you can’t stop me from talking about my brother kasi ito ang sinasabi sa news. Nananahimik kami ‘tapos dinadamay n’yo siya. Hindi kinunsinti ng brother ko ang aking anak. Teka, would you like to pause for a commercial break before I go further? No? Sige, itutuloy ko na. Wait, my Ate told me to count from 1 to 10 before I open my mouth. So, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 and 10, okay. Again, ako ang biktima. Nilapastangan ang pagkatao ko nang kunan ako ng TV crew habang naka-kamison lang during the raid. And my brother? Freddie is of good moral character. He even tried to salvage my first marriage. At nang mangyari ang gulong ‘to, ang sabi ni Kuya Freddie, ang dapat mong isipin si Baby Jason. Ipintas n’yo nang lahat ang gusto n’yong ipintas sa akin pero hindi ako magnanakaw, hindi ako mamamatay-tao, at hindi ako masyadong sinungaling. Eto na lang ang masasabi ko. Dinamay n’yo ang kapatid ko. You cannot blame me for defending him. And you cannot blame me for defending my son!”

Light Bites
May nag-text!
“jason, mabuti naman at naaresto ka na. alam mo, cute ka sana kaya lang mang-aagaw ka ng atensyon! moment ko na this week pero umeksena ka naman. hmpf! H8 u na!” – kris aquino

Villar & the C5 Road
The senate committee of the whole recommended the censure of Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. after he was found guilty of unethical conduct when he sought the realignment of the C-5 road extension project that benefited his properties in the area. Twelve senators were seen signing the report; 11 others were seen laughing all the way to the bank.

Sen. Manuel Villar’s corporations allegedly gained 6.2 billion pesos from the realignment of the C-5 road extension project. To give you an idea how huge that amount was, Sen. Chiz Escudero would have run for president “thrice” under the NPC with that amount.

Sen. Manuel Villar Jr’s corporations allegedly gained 6.2 billion pesos from the realignment of the C-5 road extension project. To give you an idea how huge that amount was, Jamby Madrigal would sue her relatives if that were part of her aunt Chito Madrigal’s last will and testament.

Sen. Manuel Villar’s corporations allegedly gained 6.2 billion pesos from the realignment of the C-5 road extension project. To give you an idea how huge that amount was, count his TV and radio ad spots.

This just in! Senators Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla refused to sign the committee report that recommended the censure of Sen. Manny Villar. Lapid and Revilla insisted, “As actors, we are against any form of censureship.”

The Cerge Is Over
Press Secretary Cerge Remonde died of heart attack Tuesday morning at age 51. There will be a special necrological service in Malacañang to be moderated by Radyo ng Bayan’s Marie Peña Ruiz. Members of the Malacañang Press Corps are encouraged to deliver their eulogy in question form. Each member of the MPC will be allowed two questions each.
______
“Parents who are always giving their children nothing but the best usually wind up with nothing but the worst.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says…
Would the latest scandal involving Kris Aquino have a negative effect on the campaign of Noynoy Aquino?
YES, Definitely. 38%
NOPE. 38%
I don’t care. 24%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

From Cyberspace:
Paranormal Activity

Kahit saan, kahit kailan, maaasahan?

KRIS AND NOY

BREAKING NEWS: The Cerge is over. May he rest in peace.

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES had a really busy schedule last week. Gilbert Teodoro, Richard Gordon, and Manny Villar debated on foreign policies. Noynoy Aquino dealt with some domestic issues.

The Kris Aquino-James Yap Saga
Last Wednesday, Kris Aquino reportedly stormed the residence of a certain Mayen Austria who’s been linked to the TV host’s husband, James Yap. Even from afar, witnesses knew it was Kris Aquino mainly because she was carrying a torch and was accompanied by Boy Abunda, Dingdong Dantes, Ogie Alcasid, Marian Rivera, Regine Velasquez, Anne Curtis, and Ai-ai De Las Alas.

Kris Aquino spoke on “The Buzz” about the Valleverde 2 incident involving her and Mayen Austria. Kris denied that she hurled invectives and insults at Mayen and her mother last Wednesday. The TV host also defended her brother, presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino whose name has been dragged into the controversy. This just in! AGB Nielsen’s ratings for Sunday: The Buzz (ABS-CBN):18%; Showbiz Central (GMA7):10%, and Noynoy Aquino (LP): 44%!

Kris Aquino spoke at length about the state of her marriage on nationwide TV. She said “I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried” to which God said, “Idinamay na naman ako!”

Addressing her husband James live on “The Buzz,” TV host Kris Aquino said, “If you wanted this marriage to work, fix yourself first.” When James Yap heard this, he took a quick shower, shaved his beard, and sprayed perfume all over his body.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino told reporters that he had not given Kris any advice yet. He’s still consulting with his advisers on what advice to give her.

Kris Aquino reveals that 35-year-old Mayen Austria has been sending cakes and chocolates to James Yap. When Sen. Noynoy Aquino heard this, he advised his brother-in-law to return the goodies. But he promised James, “Ibibili na lang kita sa Quiapo.”

Conrado De Quiros is writing about the Kris Aquino-Mayen Austria controversy. De Quiros believes the issue is a battle between good and evil.

Top 5 Reactions of Presidential Candidates to the Kris-James-Mayen Controversy

No. 5: Jamby Madrigal: “Sexy ba ‘yung Mayen?”

No. 4: Gilbert Teodoro: “Judge her as her; not as a loyal supporter of Purefoods TJ Giants.”

No. 3: Joseph Estrada: “Let the people decide kung pwede pa ulit mambabae si James. Vox populi, vox Dei, the voice of the people is the voice of God.”

No. 2: Richard Gordon: “It’s not Mayen’s face that matters here. It’s the true account of the incident that matters. Pero ito ang tandaan n’yo: sa Subic, bawal ang tamad. Sa Subic, bawal ang kabit. Sa Subic, bawal ang taksil.”

And the No. 1 reaction of a presidential candidate to the Kris-James-Mayen controversy…

Manny Villar: “Bago tayo humusga, tingnan muna natin ang track record ni James Yap. Ano na ba’ng mga ginawa niya?”

Sugod Kris, Sugod!
To be interpreted by Sen. Noynoy Aquino to the tune of “Sugod,” a monster hit from rock group Sandwich
[Note: I highly recommend that you right click here first for the official video of this very catchy tune to fully enjoy singing the song.]

Sugod aking kapatid
Sa kabit ng ‘yong asawa
Ikumpronta’t ipahiya pa
Talakan hanggang umaga!

I-text mo na sina Boy at Jobert
Lagyan ng wax
Ang buhok para mukhang galit
Ilabas mo na
Hermes bag at LV
Hanep pumorma
Papuntang guerra!

Isang linggong pinag-isipan
Isang buwan mong inabangan
Surveillance sa ‘yong asawa
Ngayon pa ba, uurong ka? (Hala bira!)

Sugod aking kapatid
Sa kabit ng ‘yong asawa
Para que ‘pat ika’y taklesa
Lektyuran mo hanggang umaga!

In Other News…
Heard about Cong. Jules Ledesma? Reports say the husband of sexy star Assunta De Rossi is the most notorious chronic absentee of the House of Representatives. For the entire 2009, Ledesma only showed up twice in Batasan – first, during President Arroyo’s State of the Nation Address in June, and second, when he collected his salary in December. Sorry I forgot, he actually showed up thrice. The third one was when he received the “Ghost Employee of the Year” award.

Reports say Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma, a chronic absentee, showed up at the House of Representatives just twice for the entire 2009… to which sexy star Assunta De Rossi said, ‘Well, Batasan is much luckier. In 2009, he showed up in our bedroom only once!”

Pacquiao Update
Manny Pacquiao has been tested negative for performance-enhancing drugs. The result is not surprising since we all know that Pacquiao doesn’t need drugs to perform well. If there’s someone who needs it more, it’s Jules Ledesma!
________
“Her mouth is a honey-blossom, No doubt, as the poet sings; But within her lips, the petals, Lurks a cruel bee that stings.”
~ William D. Howells

Survey Says
Do you think presidential surveys, in general are credible?
OO NAMAN. 27%
PARANG HINDI. 39%
Itigil na kasi ‘yan! 34%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

QUIZ TIME!

YOU’VE SEEN THEM debate on TV. You’ve heard them trade barbs on radio, and you’ve read about them online and in the papers. But really, how well do you know your favorite candidates? Are you monitoring their activities religiously? How updated are you with the goings-on in our country? Take this short quiz to find out.

1) At a forum held last January 9, 2010 at De La Salle-Zobel School in Alabang, Muntinlupa City, Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino was asked to comment on his declining lead over Sen. Manny Villar based on the latest Social Weather Stations survey. What did Noynoy say?
A: “Bigyan n’yo po muna ako ng pagkakataong makapag-retreat ng tatlong araw upang makunsulta ko na rin ang Pink Sisters hinggil sa bagay na ‘yan. Maraming salamat po sa inyong pang-unawa.”
B: “Ah, may survey na matino, may survey na nabibili siguro sa Quiapo.”
C: “Sandali. May prepared statement ako tungkol d‘yan.”

2) Complete this line from Sen. Manny Villar’s TV ad: “Nakaligo ka na ba sa _____ __ ______?
A: “… dagat ng pera”
B: “… double budget na kalsada”
C: “… dagat ng basura”

3) What was the title of the Rico Blanco-penned composition allegedly used without permission by Gilbert Teodoro in his political advertisement?
A: Posible
B: Sorry Na, Pwede Ba
C: Nakaw na Sandali

4) “It is not Facebook that matters here; it is not your face that matters. It is the book of accounts.” Who said this line to whom?
A: Sen. Loren Legarda to Vicki Belo and Ellen Lising
B: Sen. Richard Gordon to Sen. Noynoy Aquino
C: Sen. Manny Villar to his wife Cynthia

5) When Sen. Francis Escudero quit the Nationalist People’s Coalition, he said, “Sinuman pong nagpaplanong tumakbo bilang pangulo ng bansa, wala dapat partidong kinabibilangan. Ang partido lamang dapat niya ay _____________.”
A: “Partido Komunista ng Pilipinas”
B: “Partidong handang maglaan ng malaking pondo para sa kampanya.”
C: “Pilipinas.”

6) According to defense lawyer Sigfrid Fortun, Maguindanao massacre principal suspect Andal Ampatuan Jr could speak neither English nor Filipino. Fortun insisted that Andal was conversant only in what language?
A: A mix of Yiddish and Basque
B: Maguindanaoan
C: F*ck Fortun! F*ck both of them! Liars!

7) Manny Villar : Gilbert Remulla | | Joseph Estrada : Margaux Salcedo | |
Noynoy Aquino : _____________?
A: Edwin Lacierda
B: Conrado De Quiros
C: SNN & The Buzz

8: Identify the three members of the Commission on Elections Second Division who junked the application for accreditation of the party-list group “Ang Ladlad” for allegedly “tolerating immorality.”
A: Larry, Curly, and Moe
B: Nicodemo Ferrer, Lucenito Tagle and Ellias Yusoph
C: Judas, Barrabas, and Hestas

9) In defending the poll body’s rejection of Ang Ladlad’s application for party-list accreditation, Comelec 2nd Division chairman Nicodemo Ferrer once said…
A: “They’re just not my type!”
B: “Gays are overly represented in Congress.”
C: “God knows Hudas not straight.”

10) Of the three Jun Lozadas shown here, who is running for senator?
A:
B:
C:

11) “Madami pa siyang makikilalang iba na single ‘di ba? Bakit kailangan pang sa may asawa?” Who said this line to whom?
A: Loi Estrada to Guia Gomez
B: Jinkee Pacquiao to Krista Ranillo
C: Angela Montenegro-Arroyo to Rufa Mae Quinto

12) What moniker was coined by Gilbert Remulla to describe presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal whom he accused of originating “unsubstantiated allegations” and “false claims” against her adversaries?
A: “Kuryente Queen”
B: “King of Hurts”
C: “Jack of All Tirades”

[Answers are found at the end of the blog post.]

Photo of the Weak
Ano ang angkop na caption, pamagat o deskripsyon sa larawang ito?

A: “Kung wala lang ‘yang security aide mo, inupakan na kita.”
B: “Akalain mo ‘yun?! Inabot ka ng nine years samantalang ako, ‘di man lang nakatatlo.”
C: “Sige, ngiti ka lang. Tingnan ko lang kung makangiti ka pa ‘pag nanalo si Noynoy.”
D: “Shabi ko na nga ba eh! After nine yearsshh, after nine long yearss, bitter ka pa rin.”
E: “O, may newsh crew. ‘Wag sishimangot unlessh gushto mong pag-ushapan tayo.”
________
“Rivalry adds so much to the charms of one’s conquests.”
~Louisa May Alcott

Survey Says
If Joseph Estrada decides to quit the race, who would benefit the most?
NOYNOY AQUINO 41%
GILBERT TEODORO 12%
MANNY VILLAR 48%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
- Here’s a fearless forecast: Karen Davila will eventually transfer to ABC5 now that her husband, DJ Sta. Ana has joined the News and Public Affairs department of Mediaquest Holdings’ newest acquisition.

- Loyal viewers of TV5’s T.E.N. (The Evening News) hosted by the amiable trio of veteran journalists Jove Francisco, Martin Andanar and Cherry Mercado have appealed to Mediaquest Holding’s supreme god Manny V. Pangilinan NOT to cancel the news program.

- Here’s the list of the World’s Best and Worst Jobs 2010

Stay healthy!
________________________
Answers to Quiz
1B 2C 3A 4B 5C 6B 7A 8B 9B 10A 11B 12A

THE PLUNGE

GMA’s Rating
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that President Arroyo’s approval rating dropped to negative 23 percent – a nine-year low for Mrs. Arroyo. But Malacañang is questioning the credibility of the latest numbers saying the survey may have been bought from Quiapo.

GMA’s Rating II
President Arroyo’s approval rating plunged to –23 percent, a nine-year low for her administration. To obtain a higher rating in the next survey, President Arroyo’s political strategists have advised her to bathe in a sea of garbage and spend the next Christmas in the streets.

GMA’s Rating III
President Arroyo got her lowest approval rating in nine years. Apparently, President Arroyo’s negative image to most Filipinos has not changed… to which Sen. Richard Gordon said, “See? That’s what I am telling Noynoy Aquino. His family has been given several chances to change this country but they failed. Look at what his aunt Lupita has done to GMA!”

The Presidentiables
Don’t you find local politics exciting? Noynoy Aquino is fighting Manny Villar. Richard Gordon is fighting Noynoy Aquino. And Gilbert Teodoro is fighting Rico Blanco.

The Presidentiables II
Yeah local politics is heating up… and getting nasty! At a forum held Saturday at De La Salle-Zobel School in Alabang, Sen. Noynoy Aquino was asked to comment on his declining ratings based on the latest Social Weather Stations survey. Noynoy replied, “Ah, may survey na matino, may survey na nabibili siguro sa Quiapo” to which a displeased SWS official said, “Ah, may kandidatong matino, may kandidato sigurong utu-uto.”

The Presidentiables III
Recently, senators Richard Gordon and Manny Villar have been reportedly ganging up on fellow presidential candidate Sen. Noynoy Aquino. And if rumors are to be believed, Noynoy is hurting. He couldn’t believe that somebody other than his sister Kris could bully him like this.

Photo of the Weak:
Separated at Birth?
Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il and President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

In Other News…
Citing a huge number of annulment cases that have been clogging up our courts, party-list group 1-ABAA or 1-Babae Astig Aasenso has proposed a 10-year expiry on marriage to allow a couple to reassess the status of their relationship. The proposal has already received positive feedback from domestic abuse victims, women’s rights activists, and Joseph Estrada.

Top 5 Reactions to Party-List Group 1-ABAA’s Proposed 10-Year Expiry on Marriage

No. 5: First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: “’Asan ang grupo n’yo noong panahong kailangan ko kayo?!”

No. 4: Sen. Mar Roxas: “Puwede!”

No. 3: Sen. Jamby Madrigal: “Eight years na kami. So, two years na lang? Exciting!”

No. 2: Sen. Loren Legarda: “Baka naman puwede n’yo pang maibaba sa five years?”

And the No. 1 reaction to the proposed 10-year expiry on marriage…

Sen. Noynoy Aquino: “’Di na kailangan ‘yan. Ang annulment papers, mabibili na ngayon sa Quiapo.”

In Sports and Entertainment
Krista Ranillo has denied reports she’s pregnant with Manny Pacquiao’s baby. When Floyd Mayweather Jr. heard the news, he told Pacquiao through a Filipino interpreter, “O, ‘yan nag-deny na pala. So payag ka na ba sa blood test?”

From Cyberspace
I got this from a friend’s Facebook account. What say you?

Elsewhere
A Newsbreak source says if Erap decides to quit the presidential race, he will support the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino

Also from Newsbreak: The lifestyle of Congw. Nikki Prieto-Teodoro

Enjoy the rest of the week!