RUMORS, FACTS & HUMOR, TOO

More Baseless Facts About the Government and Political Figures

In case you missed the first 50, click here.

No. 51: Miriam Defensor-Santiago started speaking at 2 months and 2 days. Her first words were ‘colloquy’ and ‘basal ganglia.’

No. 52: Jejomar Binay is the only known survivor of spontaneous human combustion in the Philippines.

No. 53: Jinggoy Estrada’s name is a portmanteau of ‘Jingle,’ Joseph Estrada’s favorite songbook magazine, and “unggoy,” his favorite animal.

No. 54: Manuel V. Pangilinan was a three-time member of the Mythical 5 Selection when he was playing as a shooting guard for the San Beda Red Cubs.

No. 55: Leila De Lima admitted she’s had only two boyfriends in her entire life, her ex-husband and her current lover.

No. 56: When Noynoy Aquino “promised” in 2010 that he would sign a waiver on his bank accounts if elected president, he was misquoted.

No. 57: Ninety-six percent of the members of both Houses of Congress have dollar accounts. They did not declare them in their SALNs.

No. 58: Lito Atienza was born in Hawaii.

No. 59: The Book of Revelations was edited by Amando Doronila.

No. 60: In exchange for their belated withdrawal of support for Renato Corona, the Iglesia ni Cristo gets to choose the next Chief Justice.

No. 61: Juan Miguel Zubiri was a founding member of the UP Pep Squad.

No. 62: Presidential speechwriter Mai “Walang pogi dito & the wine sucks” Mislang married a Vietnamese last month.

No. 63: Five percent of Filipino Catholic priests are gay; 10 percent have kids. The rest are liars.

No. 64: The name K+12 referring not to an assault rilfe but to DepEd’s basic education program was the brainchild of gun enthusiast and political adviser Ronald Llamas.

No. 65: Future Cebu representative Annabelle Rama was a deaf-mute in her past life.

No. 66: Marketing and PR executives representing Chevron, Pilipinas Shell and Petron secretly meet twice every month for ‘synergy.’

No. 67: Tito Sotto is Ciara Sotto’s first pole dancing instructor. The comedian/lawmaker holds pole dancing classes when the Senate is in recess.

No. 68: CPP-NPA Founder Jose Maria Sison was born in Shenzen, China in 1939. His Chinese father, Hu Shang Ling and half-Vietnamese mother Tuc Ni Neng immigrated to the Philippines when he was two.

No. 69: Fugitive ex-congressman Ruben Ecleo has a parasitic twin.

No. 70: As per hospital records, Joker Arroyo didn’t cry right after birth. He giggled. Hence, the name.

No. 71: Ninoy Aquino’s first girlfriend was Imelda Marcos.

No. 72: Fresh from UP, Francis Pangilinan’s first television stint was on the award-winning children’s show ‘Batibot.’ He was the voice of Kiko Matsing for five years.

No. 73: Ramon Revilla Sr’s youngest child is two years old.

No. 74: The Araneta-Roxas family has barred Jejomar Binay from attending events at the Big Dome.

No. 75: Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz lost his innocence in Grade 5.

No. 76: Sharon Cuneta’s biological mother is not Elaine Gamboa-Cuneta but a retired fish vendor in Libertad Public Market in Pasay City.

No. 77: Bro. Mike Velarde and German Moreno have the same stylist and wardrobe consultant.

No. 78: Shalani Soledad was born on the exact day and hour Roman Romulo was defending his undergraduate thesis.

No. 79: TG Guingona’s ears are insured for one million pesos.

No. 80: At least one Tulfo is gay.
——————————–
“An epigram is a flashlight of a truth; a witticism, truth laughing at itself.”
~ Minna Antrim

Quote of the Weak
“Doon siya magaling, doon siya magiging masaya. Sa loob-loob ko, baka pupuwede dahil si Jinggoy tataas sa ibang posisyon, so baka kailangan ng isang… kumbaga, isang lighter ambience o icebreaker, so baka puwedeng ibigay kay (Mommy) Alma.”
~Mark Anthony Fernandez on reports his mother, Alma Moreno is running for senator next year

Have a peaceful, productive, and romantic week ahead.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL AWARDS

IMMEDIATELY AFTER the conviction of the Chief Justice on Tuesday, May 29, the Corona Impeachment Trial for Unity & Solidarity (COITUS) Awards were held at the impeachment court. The Coitus was taped and will be telecast on a delayed basis real soon. Nonetheless, I was able to get a copy of the full transcript of the event. Enjoy!

Senate Sgt. At Arms: All rise for tonight’s host, the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

(Canned applause/ Music: Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO)

Helllllooooo! I’m baaaack! Gosh, I can’t explain how I feel right now! Grabeeee! This moment is so much bigger than me and the Cojuangco clan. I’m just so happy. Wait, before we formally begin, can I just share a story? Promise, quick lang ‘to.

I was on the phone with Noy last night, sabi niya, “Kristina, can you please pray for a guilty verdict tomorrow?” Siyempre, presidente na ‘yong tumawag sa ‘kin kaya no choice ako ‘noh! ‘Tsaka afraid naman ako baka sabihin ni Ate Pinky, “Kris, minsan lang makiusap ang kuya mo. ‘Wag mong tanggihan!” So that night, kasama ko si Bimby at si Josh, we prayed the rosary and super pray talaga kami kay Mama Mary. Wait, andun pala sa bahay si Sweet pero ayaw niyang mag-pray kasi pro-Corona daw siya. Aha-ha-ha Sorry John Lapus, nilaglag kita. Bakit? Eh totoo namang crush mo si Atty Midas Marquez ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha.

Anyway, so ‘yon na nga. Sabay-sabay kaming nag-pray no’ng dalawang bagets na sana maka-16 man lang just to convict CJ. Happy na kami do’n. Then while watching the voting kanina, biglang nag-17, 18 then nag-19 pa. So naloka na ko nang bonggang-bongga. Sabi ko, “OA ka Mama Mary, pinagmumukha mo naman akong dupang!” Aha-ha-ha ‘Tapos umabot pa ng 20… gosh. We’re really blessed. Thankful talaga ako. As in. Kaya sa 20 brave senators, I love you naaaa! Promise, I will tell Noy to increase your pork barrel. Gusto n’yo ba ‘yon?

(Silence)

Ay, deadma?? ‘K. Fine. Kung ayaw n’yo… mga congressmen na lang ang tatanungin ko. Those guys sa left in Barong Tagalog, gusto n’yo ba ng increase sa pork barrel?

Gusto!!!

Bongga! Walang hesitation! Basta pork barrel, ang bibilis. Aha-ha-ha! With that, let’s staaaaart! Welcome to the Corona Impeachment Trial for Unity & Solidarity or COITUS Awards! Tonight, bibigyan natin ng parangal ang ilang impeachment players na agaw-eksena talaga sa 44 days ng trial. Kung mapapansin n’yo, Vicki Belo is present sa gallery. Hi Vickiiiii! Sponsor natin siya tonight. Smile ka naman d’yan! There! Ang cute talaga ng ngiti mo friend. very unique. Promise. Lips lang talaga ang gumagalaw. You’re so talented! Aha-ha-ha!

Here we gooo! Itodo na natin dahil si Congresswoman Agabas ay may pupuntahan pa yatang kasal. In fairness, ninang na ninang ang aura mo today madam. I luveeeeet! Special awards muna tayo! Just so you know, a jury monitored the vote and the explanation kanina of each senator at doon namin ibinatay ang parangal na ito. The results were tabulated by the accounting firm of Ernst & Young. Ito ang “It’s All About Me!” Award. Envelope please.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Murang Pabahay Realty… Mura man ang bahay, hindi naman inaanay)

The “It’s All About Me!” Award goes to…

(Drum Roll)

Senator Manny Villar! Yeeeeey! Congratulations! Come here Senator, get mo ang Coitus trophy mo.

(Cue instrumental music: Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura…)

Thank you, Kris. Maraming salamat. Kung hindi mo mamasamain, ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng award na ito?

Helllllo! Eh kasi naman Senator, nag-moment ka pa sa iyong explanation kanina. Si Corona ang accused remember? Not you! Eh bakit pati Villaroyo, pagligo sa dagat ng basura, black propaganda, kahirapan, at C5 issue noong 2010 kinalkal mo pa? Kaloka ka! Gusto mo bang imbestigahan ka rin? Joke lang! O sha, go na. Happy 20th anniversary na lang sa Villar Foundation! Ang aga ng TV commercial huh! Ayaw ng Comelec ng ganyan!

Moving on… Before our major awards, can we give Senator Lapid a round of applause, please? Kasi, he trended worldwide kanina! Winnnner! Palakpakan natin siya!

(Boisterous applause)

In fairness to him huh, nag-trend siya talaga for like 32.764 minutes. Promise. Sorry Bong! Pero tinalbugan ka talaga ni Senator Lapid. Kung siya, worldwide trending, ikaw naman, trending lang sa bandang Bacoor at Kamuning! Aha-ha-ha! I love you Lani!

Our next category is the “Most Damaging Testimony” Award. The nominees are…
- Ombudsman Conchita “Mea culpa” Carpio-Morales. In fairness, nakipagsabayan siya kay Senator Miriam! Bongga! (Canned applause)

- Land Registration Authority Administrator Eulalio “45 Properties” Diaz III. Love siya ni Noy. Go Ateneo! (Canned applause)

And lastly, Chief Justice Renato “Hypoglycemia” Corona. Matapos umamin sa ‘di nadeklarang dollar accounts, mega-walkout?? Rudeness!!! Imbyerna ang judges! I’m sure!

Sino sa palagay n’yo ang winner??! Envelope please.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Philippine Weekly Inquirer: Balanced Views, Fearless News Or So They Claim)

And the “Most Damaging Testimony” Award goes to… Any guesses guys?

(Drum roll)

Journalist/blogger Raissa Robles!!! Yeeeey! Congratulations!

Is Raissa here? Wala? Anyway, you have done a tremendous job Raissa – better than the congressmen and the private prosecutors combined! Walang bola! You so deserve this! I am accepting the Coitus on your behalf. I love youuuu! Congratulations!

Teka, bakit ang sama ng tingin sa akin ni Atty. Judd Roy?! I hate you naaa. You’re scaring me!

With all due respect, I am not scaring you Kris. Ito ang aking natural look. Goddamn it!

Basta! Don’t stare na lang. Sa iba ka na lang tumingin pleeeeeease. Thank you. Our next category is the “Best Prosecutor Award.” And the nominees are…

Atty. Mario Bautista (Canned applause)
Northern Samar Rep. Raul Daza (Canned applause)
Atty. Demetrio Custodio (Canned applause)
And finally, Iloilo Rep. Niel Tupas Jr.
Ilocos Norte Rep. Rodolfo Fariñas (Canned applause)

Before I announce the winner, I just wanna thank, on behalf of my family, the prosecution team. Sobrang galing n’yo. At the risk of sounding biased, hanga talaga ako sa ‘yo Congressman Fariñas. Si ako ay bilib sa ginawa ni ikaw! Aha-ha-ha Na-senti ka ‘noh?

Anyway, it’s time to announce the winner!

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Mila’s Lechon Paksiw… Lechon Ngayon, Paksiw Bukas!)

The “Best Prosecutor” Award goes to

(Drum roll)

Oh my gosh, it’s a tie! Senators Frank Drilon and Kiko Pangilinan! Wow! Congratulations! Come, come! Moment n’yo ‘to! Bilis! Tito Frank, you first. Palakpak naman kayo!

(Canned applause)

Thank you Kris. Alam n’yo po, para sa bansa ang ginawa namin. Walang pagsisisi, walang pag-aalinlangan basta para sa bayan! Salamat sa pagkilalang ito.

Salamat din Tito Frank. You did well. Ikaw ang Savior for All Seasons! Now, Senator Kiko…

Kris, katulad ng sinabi ni Senator Drilon, hindi ito para sa amin. Hindi ito para sa Liberal Party. Hindi ito para sa 2013 o 2016. Para ito sa milyun-milyong mahihirap na naghahangad ng pagbabago sa ating pamahalaan. I’d like to share this award with my one and only loving wife who’s probably tweeting her bashers right now. Sweetheart, itigil mo na ‘yan!

Nakakaloka! Awayin daw ba si Mega in front of the impeachment court?! Hindi kita kinakaya Senator Kiko. Congratulations!

Senate Sgt. At Arms: Cocktails will be served in a few minutes.

May ganung intermission? Winnner! Promise… mami-miss ko po kayo Sir.

(Phone rings; answers call)

Guys, I have good news. Tumawag si Noy. To celebrate this historic victory, he’s declaring June 9 and 10 special non-working days both in public and private offices nationwide! Yeeeey! Ang bait talaga ng brother ko, promise!

(Phone rings again)

Sorry, I need to take this call.

(Talks on the phone)

Everyone, I have another good news! Kausap ko ang SWS at Pulse Asia. According to their survey na lalabas sa mga diyaryo anytime now, 99.9 percent ng mga Filipino ay agree sa ‘Guilty’ verdict ng Senado. Parang germs lang. How sweeeet! I love you everyone!!!

Diretso na tayo sa iba pang awards. Mabilisan lang ‘to. So please, ‘wag nang papansin. Kapag tinawag kayo as winner, akyat agad ng stage and claim your Coitus trophy. Okay? Gumagabi na. I’m doing this naman for free kaya umayos kayo. Gosh, kung ‘di lang kay Noy I won’t even be here. Feeling ko ang dumi-dumi ko tuloy. Aha-ha-ha

First, the “Many Pacquiao Punching Bag Award.” I think self-explanatory naman ‘yan. Envelope please…

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Alaksan If Ar, Dahil Mahal Ka ni Lord)

The ‘Many Pacquiao Punching Bag Award’ goes to…

(Drum roll)

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas!
Yey! Congratulations!

Is Congressman Tupas here? Where is he?

Madam, our apologies po. Nagtungo po ng banyo si Congressman Tupas.

My gaaad. Last day na nga lang ng trial, palpak pa rin??? Kainis huh! So sinong tatanggap nitong Coitus trophy niya? Ayokong ireceive ‘to on his behalf ’noh. Baka ma-jinx ako. Mabuti na’ng careful. Ikaw na lang Congresswoman Kaka Bag-ao. Tutal, winner din naman ang outfit mo. Very ‘guidance counselor’ ang peg. Aha-ha-ha! Thanks!

Ang susunod na parangal ay ang “Talakitok Award.” I heard, unanimous po ang vote ng jury. Envelope please…

(Voice Over: The Talakitok Award is brought to you by the Manila Ocean Parking… Sobrang ganda, sobrang saya, sobrang mahal!)

The “Talakitok Award” goes to…

(Drum roll)

Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago! Yeeeey! Congratulations Senator! Kayo po ang nanalo dahil every trial day, hindi puwedeng hindi kayo tatalak! Bongga! Senator, any message?

Mga gago! Ayaw n’yong sabihin ko ang salitang ‘yan? Kagaguhan ang award na ito! Panginoon! Bigyan mo pa ko ng isang buhay, iimbestigahan ko ang jury! Iimbestigahan ko ang trophy! Pati ikaw Kris, iimbestigahan ko! (Walks out)

Gosh, hanggang sa awarding, talakitok pa rin siya! Nakakaloka. Pati ako idinamay. Host lang po ako dito ma’am. At pro bono po ito. Nakakahiya naman sa inyo. Helllooo!

We’re almost done. Our next category: the “Ba’t Ba Ayaw N’yong Maniwala” Award! Sila ‘yong kahit anong paliwanag, nananatiling kaduda-duda ang statement. Envelope please…

(This award is brought to you by the Philippine Stariray… Truth shall prevail!)

The “Ba’t Ba Ayaw N’yong Maniwala” Award goes to…

(Drum roll)

It’s a tie! Congressman Rey “Small lady” Umali and Congressman Bolet “Sa gate ng bahay iniwan” Banal! Yey! I’m so happy for you both. Ikaw muna Congressman Rey. Sino ba talaga si Small Lady?

Ba’t ba ayaw n’yong maniwalang hindi ko siya kilala? Basta ang totoo, nilapitan niya ako. Small siya at lady pa. Sure ako! ‘Tapos may ibinigay siyang envelope na kulay white, yellow, brown. Take it or leave it!

Ohhhh k! You know what guys, grabe ang effort ni Congressman sa trial na ito. He actually lost 2lbs. ‘Wag na nating pagdudahan please. Ang importante, nakatulong si Small Lady sa pag-convict kay CJ. Ok? Ikaw naman Congressman Bolet…

Thank you Kris. Hindi ko rin inexpect ang award na ito. Akala ko nga si Harvey Keh ang mananalo eh.

Ok, I’ll be honest. Lumamang ka ng two points sa botohan dahil ikaw ang orihinal na gumamit ng kwentong “iniwan sa gate ang dokumento” blah blah blah. So congratulations!

And for our second to the last category… the “Lumalaban, Umuusig, at Patas na Abogado” o LUPA Award. Pati ako naloka nang malaman ang edad nila.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Walang Leak Diapers… Kahit anong lakas ng wiwi, hindi ka ngingiwi!)

The LUPA Award goes to… wala nang iba pa: Senate President Enrile and Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas! Yeyyyy!

(Thunderous applause/standing ovation)

Alam n’yo po, Senator Enrile was older than the Revised Penal Code. True! At aaminin ko, hate na hate ko siya noon dahil sa mga coup d’état against my mom. Pero when I saw him preside over the trial, nawala nang slight ang inis ko. Slight lang. He’s actually great.

Si Justice Cuevas naman po, hindi pa naiimbento ang telebisyon, nanonood na siya ng TV. Kaloka. Paano nangyari ‘yon? I can’t believe na pareho na silang 80 plus! Gosh, nagva-Viagra kaya sila. Ooops, sorry. Me and my big mouth. Aha-ha-ha! Ayokong imaginin ‘yong Dingdong Dantes nila. Ooops, sorry again. Erase na. Erase. Aha-ha-ha

(Enrile and Cuevas smile)

Ay! Sorry! Buhay pa pala kayo. Gusto n’yo pong mag-message? ‘Wag na lang. OT na tayo eh. Aha-ha-ha. Basta, congratulations to our LUPA Awardees! Thank you Senator Enrile. Thank you Justice Cuevas! Palakpakan ulit!

Sgt. At Arms: All rise… everyone is ordered to remain on their seats until…

Teka lang Mr. Sgt. At Arms, may last award pa ako. Atat much? Kaloka. Ito ang “Proud Ako Sa ‘Yo Award.” Wala talaga ito sa listahan ng mga categories pero isinama ko. Wala kayong choice. Ako ang masusunod dahil host ako. Aha-ha-ha.

The “Proud Ako Sa ‘Yo Award” goes to…

(Drum Roll)

President Noynoy Aquino!

(Silence)

Hellloooo! Walang applause? Presidente ‘yon ‘noh!

(Canned Applause)

I love yoooou! Anyway, proud ako kay Noy dahil sa kabila ng mga pagdududa, naipanalo niya ang trial na ito. Despite the prosecution’s blunders, despite the pressure from the Iglesia ni Cristo, despite the recent heartbreak (his 8th in less than two years), he held on. Noy, sure akong proud na proud sina Mommy at Daddy. More power and may you find your true happiness very soon. Ke Korean pa ‘yan o Chinese, broadcaster o stylist o lalaki, bahala ka! Kung saan ka liligaya! Josh and Bimby will visit you soon. Love you.

(Senator Miriam resurfaces)

Panginoon, bigyan mo pa ako ng isang buhay! Iimbestigahan ko ang mga tao sa Senado at Kongreso! Pati ikaw Panginoon, iimbestigahan ko!

That’s it for us. This is Kris Aquino…

Panginoon, isang buhay pa please!

… at ito po ang Coitus Awards! Nakakaloka!
—————————————-
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
~Voltaire

Postscript:
Pre-Coitus Awards citations given to other impeachment players:

Best Junior Speaker (English): Atty. Dennis Manalo
Best Junior Speaker (Filipino): Cong. Rudy Fariñas
Best in Recitation (Most Active): Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano
Mr. Grace Under Pressure: Atty. Tranquil Salvador
Ms. Grace Under Pressure: BIR Commissioner Kim Henares

Most Amusing: Cong. Elpidio Barzaga (Prosecution)
Most Fierce: Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales
Most Behaved: Sen. Bong Revilla
Most Quiet: Sen. Lito Lapid

Most Insensitive: Philippine Daily Inquirer (Demetrio Vicente Photo)
Most Intense Moment: Atty. Vitaliano Aguirre vs. Senator Santiago

Hairstyle (Female): Atty. Karen Jimeno
Hairstyle (Male): Cong. Miro Quimbo
Worst Hair: Cong. Toby Tiangco
Twitter Trending King: Sen. Lito Lapid

Best In Terno: Cong. Marlyn Primicias-Agabas

Impeachment Stunner: Atty. Macel Jimenez

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

RUMORS, FACTS & HUMOR

Fifty Baseless Facts About the Government and Political Figures

No. 1: Joseph Estrada was a virgin when he married Luisa Ejercito.

No. 2: Manny Villar was so poor, his parents were only able to have him circumsized when he was already 16.

No. 3: In high school, Renato Corona was voted “Most Likely to Get Away With Anything.”

No. 4: On a scale of Lito Lapid to Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the average Senate IQ is Kiko Pangilinan.

No. 5: Serafin Cuevas helped craft the Code of Hammurabi.

No. 6: Niel Tupas hated math in grade school. He’s poor in counting.

No. 7: The Imelda Marcos we see in Congress today is not the real Imelda Marcos. The former First Lady died in New York in 1999 at age 70.

No. 8: Juan Ponce Enrile can recite pi to 500 digits.

No. 9: The all-time favorite movie of Koko Pimentel’s ex-wife, Jewel May Lobaton is “Unfaithful.”

No. 10: By the time a congressman completes his first term, his net worth has increased by 85 percent.No. 11: Loren Legarda’s first ‘crush’ was her 25-year-old neighbor. She was only 10 then.

No. 12: President Aquino has nocturnal enuresis.

No. 13: Until 2010, Mar Roxas didn’t know how to ride a bicycle.

No. 14: Panfilo Lacson sleeps with a gun under his pillow.

No. 15: Grace Lee is allergic to second-hand smoke.

No. 16:   Toby Tiangco finished first runner-up in the ‘Mr. Xavier School’ pageant in 1985. The title was won by sophomore student Jose ‘JV’ Ejercito.

No. 17: Lawyer Karen Jimeno was born male.

No. 18: Ricky Carandang has a secret account on Twitter.

No.19: A recent study revealed 10 out of 5 opinion columnists of the Philippine Daily Inquirer believed Chief Justice Renato Corona would be convicted.

No. 20: Jejomar Binay switches to 24Oras whenever Korina Sanchez is reading the news on TV Patrol.No. 21: Bong Revilla converted to Islam in 2002.

No. 22: Next to Revilla, Edgardo Angara is the most sexually active member of the Senate.

No. 23: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is taller in the afternoon.

No. 24: Lawyer Ferdie Topacio worked as a standup comic to finance his post-grad studies.

No. 25: Under ‘Assets,’ Ronald Llamas declared in his SALN some 1,750 DVDs, VCDs, and CDs.

No. 26: DFA Secretary Albert Del Rosario, the richest cabinet member has 85 dollar acounts.

No. 27: Franklin Drilon has tried at least three diet programs in the last three years: Atkins, Cohen, and South Beach.

No. 28: A classified report showed 8 in 10 Customs officials/employees have accepted bribes and other gifts from smugglers.

No. 29: Mommy Dionisia noticed Manny Pacquiao’s homosexual tendencies in high school. She forced him to try boxing.

No. 30: Since DLSU joined the UAAP in 1986, DepEd’s Bro. Armin Luistro has never missed a single La Salle Archers game.

No. 31: Feeling insulted, Butch Abad rejected an endorsement offer from Svenson.

No. 32: Lito Lapid is undergoing therapy for epistemophobia.

No. 33: The Black and White Movement is the most dominant political party in the country today; in close second, Akbayan.

No. 34: Prospero Pichay eats all kinds of vegetables except for pechay.

No. 35: ETC Channel has offered the Basa sisters a reality show.

No. 36: The date of release of SWS and Pulse Asia surveys is subject to the approval of the Presidential Communications Group.

No. 37: Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa is Chief Justice Renato Corona’s ‘eyes & ears’ in Malacañang.

No. 38: Jules Ledesma can speak Latin, Greek, and Sanskrit all at the same time. He is also ambidextrous, a somnambulist and a contortionist.

No. 39: Malacañang has postponed the release of the new 2,000-peso bill that promotes motherhood. The denomination features Kris Aquino, Josh, and Bimby..

No. 40: At least three senators admitted they have had ‘experience’ with the third sex, two during college and another, “just recently.”

No. 41: Kim Henares and Dinky Soliman are first cousins.

No. 42: When Mar Roxas lost the vice presidency, Judy Araneta-Roxas texted Korina Sanchez and said, “Jinx!”

No. 43: Jamby Madrigal was a national arm wrestling champion in grade school.

No. 44: In no particular order, the three government officials with the highest Temple Run scores are Tesda’s Joel Villanueva, MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino and Health Undersecretary Dr. Eric Tayag.

No. 45: Manoling Morato did the styling (including hair and make up) of co-host Maggie De La Riva in the controversial PCSO program “Dial M.’’

No. 46: Viel Aquino-Dee was bullied by Kris Aquino when they were young. She has yet to recover from the trauma.

No. 47: Conchita Carpio-Morales was a piranha in her past life.

No. 48: On the average, Sharon Cuneta-Pangilinan tweets 850 times a day: 500 replies to her bashers, and 350 Biblical quotes.

No. 49: Abigail Valte spends 45 minutes fixing her eyebrows daily.

No. 50: Chiz Escudero has a twin sister named Villa.

*Rumors, Facts and Humor was also the title of a defunct local showbiz talk show.
——————————–
“There are no facts, only interpretations.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Photo of the Weak
Caption this!

Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“What is clear between us is that the [reported] third party was not the reason for the separation.”
A: Sen. Koko Pimentel
B: Jewel May Lobaton (Pimentel)
C: Sen. Chiz Escudero
D: Christine Flores (Escudero)

You Have Spoken
Ano ang nais mong maging hatol ng impeachment court kay CJ Corona?
-Acquit! 35.63%
-Convict! 54.45%
-Problema na nila ‘yon. Wala akong pakialam. 9.91%

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quotes Quiz: B.

ALMOST IDOL AND A BROKEN MARRIAGE

THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL of Chief Justice Renato Corona is expected to conclude next week. After the oral arguments, the public has four hours to vote for an acquittal or a conviction.

On Day 42 of his impeachment trial, Chief Justice Renato Corona told the senator-judges he was willing to sign a waiver on his bank accounts – without any condition. Congressman Niel Tupas can relax now.

Following Corona’s challenge earlier this week,  seven congressmen expressed willingness to sign waivers on their bank deposits. The rest couldn’t be reached for comment ‘coz they were busy withdrawing their money.

Chief Justice Renato Corona revealed he was warned last December by “my kumpa-kumpare” in Malacañang that his account would be ordered frozen. In another story dismissed as totally unrelated by the palace, President Aquino has ordered a loyalty check in Malacañang.

During a break in the impeachment trial, members of the Basa family approached Chief Justice Renato Corona and hugged him in an apparent gesture of reconciliation. For a moment, I thought Kiko Pangilinan and Tito Sotto would follow suit!

Civic leader Baby Nebrida a common friend of the feuding families served as the peacemaker, mediating between the Basa sisters and Mr & Mrs. Corona. Nebrida is now the frontrunner for the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize.

IT’S ALL OVER. Phil Phillips is the new American Idol. OUR Jessica Sanchez is the runner-up. There’s a new rule though: If, for any reason, the new American Idol fails to fulfill his duties, the runner-up will take his place.

Remember when Manny Pacquiao declared that Jessica Sanchez would win “in the name of Jesus?” Well, Jesus just released a statement saying he had nothing to do with it.

I’d like to know who “misquoted” Manny Pacquiao this time.

A total of 132 million votes were cast for American Idol while 129 million votes were cast in the 2008 US presidential elections. Americans sure know their priority.

For the fifth year in a row, another cute young white boy with guitar won in ‘American Idol.’ The better performer was outvoted. Mitt Romney has a chance of winning the presidency in November.

Jessica Sanchez lost in Season 11 of American Idol. DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas couldn’t accept it. He wanted Jessica to file a protest.

Broken Marriage
Sen.Koko Pimentel and wife Jewel May Lobaton have split up. That explains the change in Pimentel’s Facebook status: from “Married” to “Freeedom!”

Koko Pimentel has announced his separation from 1998 Bb. Pilipinas-Universe Jewel May Lobaton, his wife of almost 12 years. Pimentel realized he’s not really into beauty queens, just beauty pageants.

Jewel May Lobaton is being romantically-linked to her fellow Ilonggo, Bacolod Representative Anthony Rolando T. Golez Jr. But the lawmaker denied reports that he caused the split. To disprove the rumor, Golez has expressed willingness to sign a waiver to open his heart.

Loren Legarda, Chiz Escudero, Pia Cayetano, Koko Pimentel. The Senate is the most unromantic place in the Philippines right now.

TPO Granted
The court has granted Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago’s petition for temporary protection order vs. the Tulfo brothers. That’s the same petition Raymart would often ask the court whenever he and Claudine fought.

No to Politics
Reports say former Makati vice mayor and vice presidential candidate Edu Manzano is “strongly against” son Luis’ rumored foray into politics. Kami rin.
——————————
“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.”
~ Minnie Pearl

Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“I am going to be refraining from replying to hateful & hurtful messages. I don’t like that they bring out the worst in me. I am upset at myself for replying even to mga walang kwenta naman na tweets. When someone is mean to me for no reason, I want to be meaner to them. And then I feel bad about myself kasi I stooped down to a level I never should have.”

A: Cristine Reyes
B: Sharon Cuneta
C: Lea Salonga
D: Rhian Ramos

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quiz: B.

CORONA AND THE QUEEN OF ALL MEDIA

ALMOST EXACTLY a month after she presided over Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial, Queen of All Media Kris Aquino is back. She was asked to lead the impeachment court on Day 40 when the Chief Justice was presented by the Defense panel as its final witness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, all rise for Senate President and presiding officer Kris Aquino.

Hellllloooo! Good afternoon! I’m sure naloka kayo dahil biglang disappear si Senator Enrile ‘noh? Wala kayong choice! I will be the presiding officer today, Day 40 of the trial. Game na ba kayo?

(Silence)

Ay! NR talaga? I hate youuuuu! Again, game na ba kayo?!?

Game na game na!

Winnnner! Bongga ang gallery huh. Jampacked. Wait, is that Mrs. Corona?

(Mrs. Cristina Corona smiles.)

Hi Ma’am. You’re beautiful! Promise. Who are you wearing? So elegant! Hindi ka galit sa red ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Anyway, Mr. Lead Defense Counsel, is Chief Justice Corona here na?

Your honor, he’s already seated. Nasa witness chair.

Hellllo! Malay ko ba. Hindi ko naman napansin nang pumasok ‘noh. Hi Chief Justice! Finally, nagkita rin tayo! Humanda ka!

Is that a threat your honor?

Aha-ha-ha I was just kidding! Kaloka! You’re so gullible. O, bakit may nagtataas ng kamay sa banda do’n?

For the prosecution, your honor may i?

What’s the pleasure of the lead prosecutor? My gad. Niel Tupas, it’s you again! You and your hideous Cachupoy hairstyle! Aha-ha-ha

Madam President, we’d like to ask permission from this honorable court to allow one of our private lawyers, Mario Bautista to receive the testimony of the Chief Justice and to conduct the cross examination.

May choice ba ako? Granted. Let’s proceed. Mr. Chief Justice, welcome again to the impeachment court.

May I be allowed to make a statement not only to this honorable tribunal but to the Filipino people?

Sureness. Make it bongga ok? Alam mo naman! Importante ang ratings. Kung walang rating, walang commercials. Kung walang commercials, kanselado ang show. Alam ‘yan ng staff ko sa “The Price Is Right.” Oooops, TMI. Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Mga minamahal kong kababayan. Ako ay nandito sa impeachment court na ito upang tumupad sa aking pangako sa sambayanan na ipapaliwanag ko ang lahat. Kailangan po sigurong tanungin ng sambayanan kung bakit tayo nagkaka-impeachment trial na ganito. Hindi naman kaila na ginamit ng gobyerno ang buong makinarya at pwersa upang ako ay tanggalin.

Objection Madam President.

Yes, Attorney Bautista…

This is unfair. Wala ang gobyerno dito to defend itself.

True! Agree ako d’yan! You’re so bright Attorney! Saang law school ka nga galing?

UP your honor!

Sure ka? Hindi ba Ateneo?

UP talaga your honor eh!

‘k! Fine. Pero saan ang pre-law mo?

Ateneo your honor!

Winnnnnner! Kaya naman pala eh. Go! Ateneo! A-ha-ha-ha As I was saying lagi na lang gobyerno ang at fault. Wala nang ginawang tama ang kuya ko. Siya na lang lagi ang sinisisi. Why not blame the Vice President for a change? Agree?

(Silence)

Helllo! I’m asking you.

Prosecution Panel: Agree!

Winnnner! I love you naaaa! Objection sustained. Proceed!

Let me continue Madam President. Lahat ng nakita ko mula nang magsimula ang trial na ito ay hatred, galit ng isang tao. Ano ba ang karapatan ng hacienderong pangulo na madismaya sa pamamahagi ng lupa ng Hacienda Luisita? Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pinahiram lamang sa mga Cojuangco. Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pwersahang inagaw mula sa ninuno ng mga magsasaka.

Excuuuse me! Helllo! That’s libelous! Naninira ka na naman. You know for a fact na quiet lang kami ng mga ate ko. Lalo na si Viel. This pang-aapi on our family is just too much. Promise. Sobra na eh. Change topic na tayo ok? Otherwise, I’ll strike that off the records. Go!

Ang lifestyle po namin ay simple lamang. Kami ay nakatira sa parehong bahay na minana ko sa aking magulang.

In fairness, pareho kayo ni Noy. Finally, you have something in common.

Hindi kami gumagamit ng aircon dahil napakadali naming magkasakit sa lamig.

Weh?

Your honor?

May sinabi ba ako?. Proceed!

Simpleng pagkain lamang ang aming kinakain sa bahay.

Si Noy din. Happy na siya sa tostadong corned beef. Promise. Actually weird talaga ang kapatid kong ‘yon! Aha-ha-ha

At sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi kami ay walang katulong sa bahay. Paminsan-minsan lang may dumarating para maglinis ng aming bahay o mamlansta ng aming damit.

Isa pang ‘weh?’

Your honor?

Sabi ko nahiya naman ako sa ‘yo! Bimby has two while Josh has one yaya. Continue!

Wala po akong 10 to 12 million US dollars katulad ng sinabi ni Ombudsman Morales. Wala din po akong 82 dollar bank accounts. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit na isang kusing. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit isang pera. Wala po akong

Stop! Curious lang ako. Bakit may mga senators at congressmen na biglang tumungo nang mabanggit ang word na “ninakaw?” O, ‘wag mag-denyyyy!. Kitang-kita ko kayo from where I’m seated! Kaloka! Guilty much? Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Masuwerte po ako na ang napangasawa ko ay isang babaeng napakasimple at napakatipid rin. This past 40 years wala kaming nabiling mamahaling properties katulad ng magagarang bahay sa exclusive subdivision o mamahaling kotse o paintings.

Fault namin ‘yon?

Your honor, may sinasabi po kayo?

Wala ‘no!. Ituloy mo lang.

Simple po ang aming naging pamumuhay. hindi po kailanman kami namuhay nang maluho. lahat po ng nakakakilala sa amin, taong malalapit sa amin, taong mga lumaki kasabay ng aking mga anak ang makakapagsabi kung gaano kasimple ang aming pamumuhay mula noong hanggang ngayon.

Mr. Chief Justice, sorry huh pero boring na! Nagchu-tune out na ang viewers. Promise. Wait lang, may announcement muna ako. Guys, nag-text si Boy sa akin. May sad news ako. It’s confirmed! Hiwalay na si Senator Koko Pimentel sa asawa niyang si Jewel May Lobaton. Awwww. Sad naman. I can totally relate. Been there. Not just once but thrice, no, twice lang pala. Ba’t ba sinama ko si Alvin sa bilang? Aha-ha-ha Sorrrrry. Anyway, I believe Senator Koko is here? Oh, there! Hi Koko! Promise, I’ll pray for you and your kids. Ipagdadasal kita sa Manaoag. Be strong ok?

(Koko nods.)

Ano bang nangyari? May third party ba? Ooops, ganito na lang, mag-guest ka sa KrisTV at doon mo ikuwento lahat. Keri?

(Koko makes thumbs up sign.)

Winnnner! O, narinig n’yo guys huh. Exclusive sa KrisTV, magsasalita si Senator Koko. Bongga ka talaga!

Your honor, may I continue.

Ay! Sorrrry! Nand’yan ka pala Chief Justice. Aha-ha-ha

Ang mga sinasabi ko ay hindi exaggeration. Simula nang ako ay nagtrabaho, walang lumipas na buwan na hindi ako nag-ipon ng bahagi ng aking kinita. Kaya nakakainsulto na matapos ang 45 years ng pagtitipid sasabihin sa amin, “Bakit marami kang cash? Siguro magnanakaw ka.” Nakakainsulto. Nakakasakit ng loob. (Weeps)

(Silence)

Cuevas: The witness your honor is appearing to be emotional. He is on the verge of tears.

Helllloooo! We can see that Mr. Defense Counsel. No need to describe. Hindi naman ‘to drama sa dzRH. Kaloka! Mrs. Corona, give him tissue na. Bilis. Masyado nang tumatagal ang opening. Baka abutan tayo ng The 700 Club Asia.

Session suspended for one minute.

Guys, off the record naman tayo right? Nabasa n’yo ba ang article ni Tito Ricky Lo today? Hindi ko kinaya. Nali-link pala si Chiz ngayon kay Heart Evangelista! Helllllooooo! Kahit may Barrio Fiesta chain of restaurants ang mga Ongpauco, mas mayaman naman ako do’n noh! Aha-ha-ha!

[Chiz smiles.]

O, ba’t nagba-blush ka Chiz! Hooooooy, wala akong sinabi huh! Feeling ka! Aha-ha-ha!

[Senator Miriam interrupts.]

You really are hilarious Kris! Your father must be so proud.

Ay, may sumingit? Guys, ‘di ba si Chiz lang ang kausap ko? Ba’t may nakikisawsaw? Consider yourself ignored.

Mea culpa. I’m sorry.

Noted! Anyway, the Chief Justice I think is ok?

Session resumes.

Your honor, may I continue?

Go lang!

Madam President, wala akong kasalanan, wala akong katiwalian. Ako ay hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya ngayong hapon, I hereby waive my right of confidentiality and authorize all banking institutions to disclose to the public any and all information pertaining to all peso and dollar accounts.

Ayyyy! Winnnner! Bongga ka! But knowing you, feeling ko may catch…

I am humbly asking all 188 complainants from the House of Representatives and Sen. Franklin Drilon to join me in a moment of truth as a gesture of transparency and reconciliation with the Filipino people and to one another. I am asking them to sign these blank forms and join me sapagkat hiling po ito ng bayan. Let us face the people together.

‘Yun na! Sabi ko na nga ba eh. May something sa waiver na ‘yan. My gosh… look at Tito Frank! Namumula ka Senator Drilon. Aha-ha-ha! Umamin ka, kinabahan ka ng slight no?!? My gad. Pati ‘yong prosecution panel, namumutla kayo. Chill! ‘Wag masyadong pahalata, ok? Mapapahiya si Noy. Aha-ha-ha. Continue Mr Chief Justice…

If any of you should choose to decline, I regret that there’s no point in my waiver. I am no thief, I am no criminal. I have done no wrong. But I am also no fool. Isusumite ko po ang aking waiver kapag kumpleto na ang 189 waivers. Kung hindi sila papayag sa hamong ito, bibigyan ko ng direktiba ang mga abogado ko na irest na ang depensa.

Nakakaloka ka! Conditional talaga?! Ano ka ba!? Sayang ang chance mong maging popular. Sign lang nang sign! Promise, kapag nag-sign ka without any condition today, magla-live ako tomorrow sa KrisTV at ikaw ang solong guest ko kahit hate na hate ka ng mga boss sa ABS. Promise! Aha-ha-ha!

Guys, game na ba kayong ma-witness ang pag-sign ngayon ng waiver ni Chief Justice Corona na walang kondisyon?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! Ay! Ba’t umismid si Mrs.Corona. I saw what you did there! ‘Wag kang tatanggi. At kayo naman pamilya Basa, kung maka-react naman kayo d’yan, parang sure na kayo sa conviction! Kaloka! Kuhang-kuha kayo ng camera ng ANC ‘noh!! Aha-ha-ha! Wait, tapos ka na ba sa opening statement Chief Justice?

Maraming salamat at pagpalain nawa tayo ng Poong Maykapal. And now, the Chief Justice of the Republic of the Philippines wishes to be excused! (leaves the impeachment court)

Teka lang! Wait! Mr. Defense Counsel, what’s happening here? Why is he making deadma? Hay nakuuu, ayoko pa naman ng iniignore ako. Pabalikin mo siya. Now na!

Our apologies your honor… susunduin ko na po.

While waiting for the Chief Justice, pag-usapan muna natin si Sharon. Sorry Senator Kiko pero naloloka talaga ako sa tweets ni Mega! Kahit sino na lang pinatulan. My gosh, ang cheap cheap huh! Somebody should tell her to stop this kagagahan on Twitter. Agree?

(Silence)

Hellllooo! Kinakausap kayo ng presiding officer. Agree ba kayong dapat nang tumigil si Shawie sa kakapatol sa mga bashers niya on Twitter?

Agree!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa! Wait, asan na si Chief Justice? Guards, tawagan si Francis Tolentino. Harangan ang Edsa at Roxas Boulevard. Baka tumakas siya. Malapit pa naman dito ang NAIA. Mr Defense Counsel…

Your honor, our client has not left. In fact, heto na siya…

Oh, he’s back! Wait, anong drama ito!? Na-déjà vu ako! You had me at wheelchair! Kaloka!

Your honor, the Chief Justice is suffering from hypoglycemia. It can be fatal.

Ker ko! Kapag ‘di siya nagpa-cross exam, his 200-page, one-day long oratorical piece will be stricken off the records and we will decide on this case now na! So don’t hypoglycemia me!

Noted your honor. May we ask if we could continue with the direct examination tomorrow?

Aray ko! Helllloooo! Isang araw na siyang nagti-testify, kailangan pa ba ng direct exam? Hindi na talaga kita kinakaya counsel. Promise.

But your honor…

Fine! Granted! Now leave! Session suspended.

Thank you your honor.

Majority Leader: I move that we adjourn until…

Sandaliiii! Masyado kang atat Tito Sen. I’m not done yet. Naintriga kasi ako sa mga hiwalayan ng mga senador. Sinu-sino pa ba ang mga single sa Senado ngayon?

Senator Angara: Ahm, Madam President, I think it’s better to adjourn first.

Nooo! Tanungin natin ang mga tao sa gallery. Game na ba kayong malaman ang totoong status ng mga senador?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa!
—————————————–
“Good lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge.”
~Author Unknown

Note: At press time, Chief Justice Corona is still confined at the ICU of Medical City. Take that St. Luke’s!

Good luck Jessica Sanchez!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

GAGA

Lady Gaga in Manila
THE PASAY CITY government is monitoring the concert of pop star Lady Gaga amid fears of some groups that she’ll perform “evil” acts. I wonder who is monitoring the day-to-day activities of the Pasay City government.

Ultra-conservative religious groups want Lady Gaga’s concert stopped. They insist that the pop superstar symbolizes “everything that is corrupt and demonic.” In other words, she has the potential to succeed in politics.

Some groups are calling for a ban on Lady Gaga’s concert in Manila. They say that Lady Gaga is “satanic;” her songs are blasphemous, and her concert tickets are too expensive.

Protesters are seeking the help of SM Mall of Asia Arena owner Henry Sy in an effort to stop the concert of Lady Gaga. The tycoon couldn’t release a statement yet because he was reportedly busy watching the latest concert DVDs of Metallica and Iron Maiden.

Former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza says Lady Gaga is known for her offensive racy getups. Somebody must tell Atienza that his forever floral shirts are equally offensive.

The MMDA warned motorists to avoid all roads near the venue of Lady Gaga’s concert. Traffic’s going to be HELL.

Popstar Lady Gaga has arrived in Manila. Her concert will push through despite protests from the Taliban some ultra-conservative groups.

Just Married
Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has wed longtime girlfriend, 27-year-old Priscilla Chan. In a congratulatory message, Beijing praised Zuckerberg for choosing “one of our own.”

Mark Zuckerberg has wed longtime girlfriend Priscilla Chan. The Facebook founder denied he’s running in the coming elections.

The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend of nine years Priscilla Chan just got married. There was this awkward moment during the exchange of vows. When Zuckerberg said, “for richer or for poorer,” the priest interrupted, “Poorer?!? Ulol!”

Mark Zuckerberg, 28 has married his longtime girlfriend, 27-year-old Priscilla Chan. Zuckerberg just changed his Facebook status from “In a relationship” to “It’s complicated.”

Rumors have it Priscilla Chan fell in love with Mark Zuckerberg because he would always ‘poke’ her.

Geeky Mark Zuckerberg just got hitched. There’s still hope President Aquino. There’s still hope.

The founder of Facebook just got married – while the founder of Friendster just got forgotten.

Representative Rama?
Feisty talent manager Annabelle Rama is reportedly running for a Congressional seat in Cebu. Cebuanos are now running away from the province.

No Bribe
A recent study showed 90 percent of Filipinos do not resort to bribes or grease money when transacting business with government offices. The rest were LTO customers.

Heart and Chiz
Rumors say Sen. Francis Joseph “Chiz” Escudero and young actress Love Marie “Heart” Evangelista are dating. They are having some R&R. Rebound Romance.

Last Saturday on showbiz talk show Startalk, Heart Evangelista was asked if there’s truth to rumors she and Chiz were dating The actress replied, “We’re good friends. He’s brilliant. I enjoy talking to him.” Or in showbiz terms, “Yes. I like him. Sana nga.”

Top 5 Rejected Portmanteaus for future couple Francis Joseph “Chiz” Escudero and Love Marie “Heart” Evangelista

No. 5: Love + Francis = Locis

No. 4: Marie + Francis = Mais

No. 3: Francis + Marie = Marie Franc

No. 2: Marie + Joseph = Marioseph

And the No.1 rejected portmanteau for Chiz and Heart…

Francis + Heart = Fart
———————————–
“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.”
~Edward Gibbon

Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“’Yung isang kanta ‘yung ‘Born This Way,’ it’s also telling the young people na you can do anything you want anyway you are born this way. It is not only immoral, it is a blasphemy. The Lord Jesus Christ is being maligned here and mocked.”

A: Former Manila representative Benny Abante Jr.
B: Former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza
C: Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
D: DepEd Sec. Bro. Armin Luistro

Have a productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quotes Quiz:
A: Benny Abante Jr.

ANONYMOUS

Half-Filipina Jessica Sanchez is through to the finalé of American Idol Season 11. Two weeks back, Manny Pacquiao declared that she would win the title “in Jesus’ name.” I hope Pacman was not misquoted. Good luck Jessica!

“Ako ay natutuwa at nagpupugay sa tagumpay ng kababayan nating si Jessica Sanchez. Ang kanyang talento ay tunay na ikinararangal nating lahat. Nawa’y makamit niya ang titulo sa susunod na linggo. Karangalan siya ng ating bansa. Mabuhay ka Jessica!”
~ (Insert politician’s name here)

ANONYMOUS, an impeachment trial regular granted this blog a quick interview via Facebook chat. But ‘Anonymous’ remains evasive despite his/her newfound fame. Here are excerpts from the exclusive conversation.

Kumusta ka na?

Heto, malihim pa rin.

Sino ka ba talaga?

Secreeeet.

Sige, kung ayaw mong ‘pakilala, ano na lang ang gender mo?

Depende. Minsan, nag-aanyong small lady ako. Minsan naman, presidente ng bangko. Depende talaga sa sitwasyon eh. At depende sa kukuha ng serbisyo ko.

Saan ka ba nakatira?

Depende rin. Pero lately, napapadalas ako sa mga gate.

Gate nino?

Depende pa rin. Pwedeng gate ng kongresista o kaya gate ng civil society leader. Walang permanente eh.

Last Wednesday, galit na galit sa ‘yo si Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Nabulyawan tuloy si Harvey Keh. Anong reaksyon mo?

Naloka nga ako kay senadora. Talak nang talak. For a brief moment, akala ko a-appear si Mon Tulfo to take photos. ‘Buti na lang, wala siya sa Senado. Otherwise, baka may naganap na namang bugbugan. Kaloka.

“Naloka” ka? A-ha! Babae ka ‘no?

Secreeet!

Ipapadampot ka raw ni Senator Santiago sa PNP at AFP.

Ha-ha-ha Bakit? May ideya ba sila sa hitsura ko? Eh ‘yun ngang Palparan at Joel Reyes na nasa diyaryo halos araw-araw ang mukha, ‘di nila mahuli-huli, ako pa kaya? Isang malaking good luck!

Marami ka raw alam tungkol sa bank accounts ni Chief Justice Corona? Saan mo ba kinuha ‘yong mga impormasyon na ‘yon?

Depends. Iba’t iba ang source ko eh.

Are these verified sources?

Depends.

Anong depends? Either your sources are credible or not!

I will not rely on dubious sources! Your assertion is totally baseless.

You are now arguing with the blogger/interviewer!

I’m sorry. Mea culpa.

Apology accepted!

Noted.

Noted your face! Sumasagot-sagot ka pa! Gusto mo talaga ikaw ang may last word. Now, let me reform my question. Kilala mo ba si Congressman Umali, si Harvey Keh o si Bolet Banal?

No.

Kung ‘di ka nila kilala, bakit tumanggap sila ng envelope mula sa ‘yo?

I am not competent to answer that question.

Sinungaling!

Kung ‘di ka pala naniniwala sa akin, eh ‘di tapusin na natin ang interview na ‘to!

Again, you’re arguing with the interviewer/blogger!

I’m sorry. Mea culpa again.

Apology accepted again at ‘wag kang maka-noted-noted dahil hindi ka si Kiko Pangilinan!

‘K.

Any final message sa mga nagbabasa ng panayam na ito…

Mga kababayan, unawain po ninyo kung bakit hindi ako makalantad. Kailangan ko ng seguridad. Ayokong ma-Alfred Mendiola alias Bading. Sa tamang panahon, malalaman n’yo rin ang tunay kong katauhan.

Siguro bading ka rin ‘no?

Leviticus 18:22 “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”

Homophobic! Humanda ka sa LGBT!

Oh, I’m sorry. Mea culpa.

Apology accepted.

Nota! I mean, noted!

-End of Interview-

From the Tabloids!

PNoy at Grace Lee, friends na lang
> Katulad ng inaasahan

PNoy kay CJ: Walang personalan
> Silang dalawa, ‘di ba pwedeng magkaibigan?

Pacman hinamon ng suntukan ng mga beki
> Ah ito talaga, ‘di pwedeng friends

Pagbatikos ni Manny sa mga bakla, oks sa CBCP
> The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Pacquiao: Hindi ako galit sa mga bading
> CBCP nawalan ng kakampi

Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> Ayaw nila; takot sila kay Pacquiao

Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> DepEd secretary pumalag

$12M ni Corona ‘di kasinungalingan – Ombudsman
> Baka “gawa ng demonyo?”

Kulang sa sukat, puwedeng mag-pulis
> Sukat ng t’yan?

Dahil sa titig, sekyu patay
> If looks could kill, it will

Turistang Intsik sa PH, pinauuwi na ng China
> ‘Yong mga drug traffickers na Intsik, isama n’yo na!

Claudine, handang bigyan ng ‘psychological treatment’ ng Gabriela
> Psychologically ill s’ya?

Ex-PGMA magpapasuri sa puso
> Nagli-leak ulit? Ooops, puso pala. Akala ko s*so. Mea culpa

Batas vs premature campaigning ikakasa
>Bong, Chiz, Cynthia Villar at Joel Villanueva ng Tesda, naalarma

Good News: Ate Shawie, ‘di na napipikong tawaging balyena
> Bad News: Mga balyena, napikon nang tawaging Shawie!

Helen Gamboa, takot sampalin si Susan (Roces)
> Si Sharon na lang daw, pwede?

Bong, pinayuhan si Alma sa pagpasok sa Senado
> Ang maniwala sa sabi-sabi, walang bait sa sarili

Lani Mercado, ‘di tatakbong senador
> Thank you!

Alma Moreno tatakbong senador
> No, thanks.

(Thanks to Remate, Abante Tonite, Abante, Hataw, Pilipino Star Ngayon, Pinoy Parazzi)
———————————————-
“The problem with losing your anonymity is that you can never go back.”
~ Marla Maples

Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“Final three na! Go Jessica Sanchez! Make our country proud! Meanwhile, if CJ Corona testifies truthfully, final episode na rin… ”
A: Cong. Sonny Angara
B: Cong. Miro Quimbo
C: Cong. Erin Tañada
D: Atty. Edwin Lacierda

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Quotes Quiz Answer:
C: Cong. Erin Tañada via Twitter